When I reached his bed, I felt like covering my mouth in relief. After the doctor's worried looks I had expected Suho to look worse than this. I thought he might have had bruises all over his precious face and his arms in plaster from clinging onto the steering wheel too hard, but no. He just lay there, looking at his mother who sat next to his bed, a magazine on her lap. I figured they had talked about one of the articles in it just a minute earlier and I felt a smile creep up on my face, tears already stinging my eyes. My boyfriend was alright!
 

„Suho“, I chuckled happily, taking another step towards his bed, but he didn't seem to hear me. He kept on facing his mother even though they had stopped talking. I frowned and stood still for a moment. „Suho-oppa“, I repeated, now even addressing him in a way I hadn't done it too often before, hoping that would attract his attention somehow. But it didn't seem to work. In the end it was his mother who looked up from her lecture, facing me as worriedly as the doctor had done it before. Suddenly I felt my lips become dry so I them in a little to moisturize them, but the look on his mother's face seemed to stick to them even heavier now. What was she trying to tell me?
 

I stepped closer, now placing both my hands on the part of the matress that was free as they had placed my boyfriend right onto its center so he'd be comfortable. He turned his head and I slightly tilted mine to the side at the same moment. We locked eyes, and as much as I would have wanted to show him how happy I was to see him safe and sound, I couldn't. His dark brown eyes had hardened in a strange way as they seemed to examine mine and I felt like turning around and leaving just from the looks he was giving me. I felt my body shiver in some strange kind of fear. What was that look? „Suho?“, I said again, then I bit my lips together for a second. „Joonmyun. It's me, Miyoung.“ He jerked at the sound of his own name – the full one – and furrowed his eyebrows. He kept on looking at me but talked to his mother.
 

„Why does she know my name?“, he asked. It didn't sound as grim as his eyes were but instead his voice was rather weak, as if he didn't even have the strength to be upset. There was a glimpse of the Joonmyun I knew in the way he pronounced the words, but it wasn't really him who spoke. His eyes were filled with some kind of sorrow that I hadn't seen before and his lips insecurely trembled for a second. I didn't even have to question his confusion. He wasn't kidding. „Of course she does, dear“, Mrs Kim then said, her exhaustion leaving traces in her voice. „She is your girlfriend.“ Suho raised his eyebrows at me, scanning my hands, my upper body, my face – but he didn't seem to recognize anything. „I am - … are you .... I - I'm sorry“, he forced some words out of his mouth, and although they sounded blurry, I knew exactly what he wanted to say.

He didn't remember me.
 

A nurse showed up next to me, another drip in her hand, about to exchange the last one that had been emptied over the last few hours. It didn't take her long to understand what was going on and she placed a hand on my shoulder. It was warm, but it felt cold to me. I didn't look up. „Joonmyun-sshi suffers from a light case of congrade amnesia“, she tried to explain his behaviour to me, „ he is able to remember what happened during the accident and the time before and after it, even though it's blurry, but he seems to have forgotten about certain other things.“ She put a hand on my back but my trembling let it slide off. „There's a good chance his memory is going to come back. He won't be like this for long. That's what the doctor said today", his mother added, trying to give me security.
 

Without even noticing it I began to bury my fingers into his bed sheets, and when Suho saw that, he raised his arms a little, putting his hands on mine to stop them from clenching onto the blanket. His touch automatically made me catch a hold of his fingers as I had done it so many times, trying to get a hold of him as well. Him having forgotten about me was something I didn't want to imagine, something I didn't want to acknowledge. He didn't push me away, but he didn't really return the affection I was trying to show. He just let me hold it, robotically. „Joonmyun... please. You know me, don't you?“, I whispered faintly, my voice cracking. He looked at me, then he faced the blanket again guiltily and slowly shook his head no. I bit my lower lip to prevent me from sobbing, but it was no use. My tears started falling onto the back of our hands, entangled forcefully but still I felt so distant from him. „Don't cry“, he begged in reaction, his voice not stronger than mine, but it only made everything worse. Did he even understand why I was crying? Had he forgotten everything, everything we had been through and the plans we had ahead of us?


 I felt like just sitting on the floor, but my legs were so tense that they wouldn't give in. One of my knees buckled and I shook for a moment which made Suho raise his hands up to my upper arms as if he wanted to secure my stand. When he touched me I felt my posture weaken and suddenly all I wanted was to sink into his arms, hold him close and let his scent eat up the sterile stench that bothered me so much. Tell him how happy I was to see him alive and how much I loved him. But I knew that none of all that would have had any effect on him. I silently closed my eyes and tears soaked my cheeks. He breathed in sharply and I felt his hands twitch on my skin. "Please... stop crying", he begged again, more passionately this time. He was sorry without even knowing why. One of his hands travelled up to my cheek as if he wanted to cup it, but before he could, he bit his lips together and let his hand sink down to the matress again. I had become a stranger to him. "I'm so sorry", he said, honestly. Stop it, I thought, you don't know what you're saying.
 

„I - I love you“, I managed to say somehow between my desperately inhibited sobs, trying hard to look him in the eye, and he did the same. His eyes told me that he was still confused about me being so distraught because of him, but he mumbled something. Something that I didn't understand until the nurse was guiding the drained me back to my room after Mrs Kim had promised that she would come to see me soon. I sat down on my bed again, my toes still pressed against the cold floor. My head was spinning from the sudden shock, clouding my mind just like his was. But it was also spinning from how loudly his last words echoed in my head. And the more I repeated them, the more I was reassured that I was going to make him feel as safe as he made me feel when we first met, and ever since then. I wasn't going to give up on the one I loved. Not after he had given me the smallest glimpse of hope he could have given. But hope it was.
 

„I – I love you.“

- „ I know ...“