The moment we entered the hallway Suho’s room was located in, I knew it had been the right decision to come. It was the same hospital he’d been in before. The same white floor tiles, the same white doors, the same white window frames. The mattly floral curtains obviously wanted to make this a more welcoming place, a place to feel at home a little – but instead they seemed displaced and forlorn.

I didn’t want to leave him alone here.
But still my hands were shaking when I walked behind Mrs Kim, directly towards the room her son was propably lying in. I still didn’t know whether he would be happy to see me or not. But the closer we got to the door that kept us apart, the more I felt the urge to see him build up in me.  My boyfriend’s mother must have sensed that, because before she pressed the door handle down completely, she looked back at me. I gave her a twitching smile that propably showed how I was struggeling to breathe at this point, and she smiled back. Her other hand caressed the back of mine comfortingly – no wonder Suho was such a tender person, having her as a mother. That moment I wished she would take my hand like a child’s and we would enter the room together.

But that didn’t happen. Instead I took a breath again and let it out through my nose, when Mrs Kim finally let go of my hand to  knock on the door before opening it. I couldn’t see anything then because she was blocking most of the view of the bed, and so it wasn’t until she bowed in front of the other patients in the room that I caught a glimpse of my boyfriend. He was lying rightmost next to the window. The cloud cover got darker and darker outside, but the few rays of sunlight that got through to him made his hair shine in a warm brown way. ‘Eomma’, I heard him say, and Mrs Kim took another step further into the room and towards his bed. I hesitated, pressing myself against the door frame. ‘Hello, Joonmyun’, his mother greeted him, hugging him lightly. Then she rummaged around in her hand bag, pulling out a book and a spectacle case. Likely things Suho needed, but hadn’t taken from home. Suho laughed. ‘Are you kicking me out of my own appartment?’, he asked with fake indignation in his voice, and I was glad he felt good enough to do that. His mother only sighed.

‘Of course not’, she said and slightly cocked her head. ‘We’d also rather you weren’t here long enough to need these things.’ Suho squeezed his mother’s hand and gave her a smile. He was obviously sorry for causing her so much trouble again, when he hadn’t left the hospital so long ago. But then his expression suddenly changed – he had noticed the unexpected personal pronoun. ‘We’. I bit my lower lip. Maybe he would assume she meant her and his father, but instead his gaze glided around the room as if he was searching for a second person. And he found – me. Me, standing in the door frame, lost and pretty undecided. My hands held my hand bag a little tighter and I had to force myself not to turn my gaze away from him. What a sight that must have been …

He blinked. ‘Miyoung’, he said, and his voice didn’t give me any clue as to what he was thinking. I took a step forward, slowly, as if I was asking him for permission. I bowed lightly, also in respect for the other patients, but they only nodded in my direction. After all it wasn’t rare that someone had visitors, and who could I possibly be? ‘Joonmyun’, I said. It wasn’t until I got closer that I noticed a small wrinkle on his forehead. But he didn’t say anything. I had thought he would ask how I knew he was here. But then again, I was here accompanied by his mother – that didn’t leave much to question. ‘How are you?’, I rose to speak, but my attempt to sound secure while doing so failed. Instead of that there was so much worry in my voice that I felt unnecessarily shaky next to his mum. He curled his lips a little, and for a moment it seemed as if he wanted to smile. But that approach faded again quickly.

‘I’m sorry I didn’t come’, he said instead. His otherwise so attentive gaze left my face and shortly roamed over my clothing. It was only a short moment, vanishingly short, but it still got to me. I looked down at myself – and suddenly felt utterly overdressed. There I stood in front of him, making it obvious that I had looked forward to meeting him, and that I had kind of dressed up – even though it wasn’t even a real date. Was that the reason for him wishing that Mrs Kim wouldn’t tell me? I twitched. ‘That’s – I wanted to - … nevermind!’, I stuttered. ‘I’m just glad you’re alright.’ All I wanted to do now was rip the collar off my sweater and holes into my jeans.

Now he brought himself to smile. But It wasn’t a free, relieved smile, but rather a little pitiful. I didn’t need to try to fool him. Maybe he hadn’t gotten his memory back a hundred percent, but that didn’t mean he was completely isolated from the outside world. I felt Suho’s mother’s gaze linger on me from the side, and my breathing became unsteady. This just wasn’t right. For a moment  I felt like I shouldn’t have come here again. Not the way I looked right now, ready to go on a date that was then cancelled. Like I was a girlfriend that had come here to complain about the lack of attention from her boyfriend. Because that was the last thing I wanted to do right now. I turned my eyes away and read the name plate on the foot of the bed my boyfriend was lying in. I felt horrible.

After there had been silence for a while, I heard Mrs Kim closing her handbag with a light clicking noise and took a step back. ‘I’ll go look for a doctor and ask them how long you’re going to have to stay here’, she announced calmly, and I felt a slight panic rush over me. Was she planning on leaving us alone? I only knew things like these from dramas when the couple protagonist’s best friends left them alone with a ‘I’ll go get us something to drink, okay?’ so they could finally talk without someone interrupting them. But a grown-up woman in the real world - ? Suho only laughed and nodded. ‘But please don’t make it sound like I complained!’ His mother only waved aside and then caressed his shoulder before she did the same on mine. ‘I’ll be right back’, she said, and from that I assumed I must have looked pretty sheepish that moment and tried to get myself together.

After she had disappeared, I spent another moment rooted to the spot. I really felt like simply letting myself sink onto the edge of Joonmyun’s bed, pour him something to drink and, together with him, read around in the book his mother had brought him. Under his blanket, snuggled against his chest, his arm over my shoulder – just like we had always done it before. But that was out of the question. Instead it didn’t take long until I felt the innere impulse to apologize to him about my possibly unwanted appearance. I looked at him, my voice almost an imploration. ‘Joonmyun, I really didn’t want to –‘

‚You look beautiful.‘

He didn’t even look at me while saying that, but I was able to see his face. He meant it. He didn’t intend to point out to me that I was slightly overdressed for a call in the hospital. He wanted to tell me that he thought I was pretty. My heart began to race uncontrolledly, and I felt the corner of my mouth rise automatically. And when my boyfriend rose his head to look at me, he also smiled.Well, his mouth did. In his warm eyes there was something, an emotion, that I knew all too well by now: he was angry. Again. And once again he wasn’t angry at anyone else but himself. I instinctively took a step forward and clasped the bed posts with my fingers. And then I didn’t know what do once again. ‘Tha – thank you.’ He slightly tilted his head, and everytime he looked at me like that, I was the happiest girl in the world. His hair had gotten light streaks from the single sun beams, but his eyes were a deep brown, a solid, camling color. My favorite color since the day we first met.

He sighed. ‚I wish I would have been the one standing in front of your door earlier’, he said. I felt redness cover my cheeks and then the rest of my face. How much I had wished for that, too. But right now, everything that mattered to him was his well-being – and that he wasn’t too annoyed by me having come here. ‚Please don’t be mad at your mom. I’m sure she didn’t want to bother you’, was all I managed to say, but I was serious about it. And he laughed his light, friendly laugh that sometimes sounded like my words amused him. Especially when I said things like these. ‘Yes she did’, he responded, completely convinced. And before I was able to protest, he added: ‘But that’s okay. I actually expected her to bring you. I propably would have gone crazy if you hadn’t come.’ And even though I had expected him to have some trouble saying these words, they didn’t seem cause him any effort at all. It was only the fact that he hadn’t been able to meet me that was a worry to him. I gulped.

Now I dared to approach his bed more, and to place a hand on the mattress. And only moments later Suho’s fingers carefully and tenderly caressed mine, and I smiled. ‘So please don’t leave’, he murmured. At this, my heart was fluttering and my knees went so weak that I had trouble keeping my stand, and it got even worse when he intertwined our fingers and, lost in his thoughts, pressed a kiss to my fingertips. A little more courageous now, I sat down on the bed beside him, and I he held my hand a little tighter even. ‘I won’t. Ever.’ Why would I leave when all I really wanted was to be with him?

 We spent a while sitting like that, his soft lips lingering on my heated skin, his eyes staring off into distance. When he moved his lips a little unknowingly and I shuddered at the touch, he lifted his gaze to meet my eyes again, and when he noticed that he had looked kind of dazed off before, he smiled at me as brightly as he could, and I melted away.

And that was when I knew what I had to do. 


_____

oh my god, here it is.
anyone excited? ... no?
so Suho's birthday has already passed and I feel horrible for not having updated this story for so long.
I had quite a long part of this chapter already written in my native language, ready to be translated into English,
but I just didn't get to do it somehow... but everytime I update this, I still feel that this story means a lot to me.
my dream is to have it translated into Korean and give it to Suho when I go to South Korea next spring... cheesy right?
so I hope you read and like it as well! after all, I'm not quite done yet. ♥
(and don't forget to watch EXO's new MV if you haven't already. and listen to the album. this stuff is AWESOME...)