I felt like I hadn’t slept a single minute the night before our ‚date‘.

When I awoke the next morning, I couldn’t even decide how I felt. One part of me was wide awake and ready to do everything. This part was obviously fueled by the idea of Suho coming to fetch me later – something that he hadn’t done for quite a long time. This part of me was excited to see him, to spend time with him, not caring about how this was going to work out. It was the part of me that had been brought alive by Kim Joonmyun about two years ago, and that had been blooming since then.

But then again, there was another part of me that seemed to carry all the scars his insecure words and actions had carved into my heart. Whenever I looked into the mirror throughout the day, I found that part of me to be visible in my eyes. They were insecure as well, not knowing what was going to happen, letting all this overshadow the actual joy. Suho was going to take me to a place I hadn’t been for a long time because of obvious reasons. A place that he had forgotten about, and that he wanted to get to know anew. Would this really help him? Or would it just put him under pressure again, the lost memories making him weak?  

The questions still troubled me when I roamed around my closet, trying to find something appropriate to wear. But all that I could come up with in the end was a black sweater with a white collar and some ivory skinny jeans. When I looked in the mirror after I had finished dressing, I couldn’t help but smile at myself blushing. Even though I hadn’t tried too much, I had somehow achieved a getting-ready-for-a-date-look. Was this a date? Was it our first official date after the accident? I bit my lips and blinked a few times, trying to catch my breath that had started to go unsteady from my thoughts. I caught myself taking my pulse in confusion, but then realized that this was the excitement about meeting my boyfriend that had suddenly crossed out everything else.

Was this a  date…?

When my doorbell rang, I automatically snapped out my thoughts. I wanted to run to the door, but almost stumbled over my own feet from how fast I wanted to move. I gave my shoes a dirty look as if they were to blame, and then reached out for my door knob almost robotically. And before I could tame my almost overflowing excitement to an appropriate level, the door swung open and revealed – Suho’s mother.

I froze in place, not knowing what to say or do for a second. It took a few breathless moments until I realized I was propably seeming very inpolite, so I let go of the door handle and placed my hands on my knees instead, bowing deeply. She most definitely wasn’t the one I had expected to see, but maybe she hadn’t known of Suho’s plans to come here and just wanted to visit me. It wasn’t the first time she did so, and I was almost sorry for having no time. ‘Good evening, Kim-sshi’, I greeted her formally but warmly as always, and she bowed back to me, then directly taking a step forward. But when I stepped aside as an invitation for her to come in, she refused and put her hands on my arms instead. Not too firmly, just so that I knew she hadn’t come to talk casually. I gulped and blinked at her.

Suho’s mother slightly tilted her head, looking at me with the same tender worry that her son sometimes showed. But as much as I loved it coming from him, it alarmed me on her face. I suddenly felt terribly overdressed. ‘Joonmyun has been hospitalized again’, she then revealed, and something in the back of my head shattered. ‘What –‘, I stuttered, not able to form any more words. ‘Why?’ Mrs Kim let her hands sink down, now touching the back of mine as if to calm me. ‘He called me about an hour ago, telling me he felt dizzy and had a bad headache’, she explained. ‘He actually just wanted to ask if I had some pain killers, but it turned out that it’s some kind of late effect from the accident.’

The longer she talked, the clearer the shattering in my head became. It was the picture of our date that had already formed in my mind, and that was now breaking into pieces, somehow piercing me. This couldn’t be true. Not now, not him again. ‘Is Suho – is he –‘, I began again, my voice crackling strangely. Mrs Kim squeezed my hands. ‘He’s going to be alright, darling. But he told me you two had an appointment… so I couldn’t not tell you.’ I tilted my head, looking at her in confusion. She smiled at me almost guiltily and let go of my hands, rubbing her fingers together so it seemed like she fidgeted. ‘He doesn’t know I’m here. He wanted to call you soon, propably making up some excuse so you wouldn’t worry. But I figured you should know. You deserve it.’ I in my breath. So he hadn’t actually asked her to come see me? Because he was worried I could worry? This was so like him it hurt.

I bit my lips together, keeping silent for a moment, and the woman in front of me did the same. The last daylight tried to reach us, but the air must have already gotten quite cold on her back. This wasn’t the weather to talk on someone’s doorstep, so only seconds later, Mrs Kim pointed over to her car that was standing in front of my narrow driveway. ‘Do you want to go see him?’, she asked me. I hesitated. I sure wanted to see him, to comfort him, but I wasn’t so sure he would want me to be there. If he hadn’t even wanted to call me to tell me the truth, he most likely wouldn’t welcome me visiting him. ‘I don’t know’, I answered honestly, ‘I’m not certain that’s what he needs right now.’

Mrs Kim smiled at me, then she took a step back on my doorstep, hinting at her leaving, obviously wanting me to go with her. ‘Silly girl’, she told me off softly.
‘Don’t ever doubt that he needs you just as much as you need him.’