VIII

 

Joohyun groans when she wakes up with a throbbing headache. She wanted to sleep more but her parched throat was craving for some water, so she unwillingly opened her eyes and lifted herself up to sit on the bed. Her eyes landed on the glass of water on her bedside table and drank it immediately.

 

After finishing the glass, that's the only time Joohyun was awake enough to think of what transcribed the night before. She remembered drinking with Yeri at their thanksgiving party, she remembered throwing up on the sidewalk, and with a small gasp, she remembered seeing the hurt in Seungwan's eyes.

 

"Can't you understand, Seungwan? You're hurting me with your presence."

 

Saying that to Seungwan was the last thing she remembers. Joohyun sighs and puts a hand to her forehead. Now that she's a bit sober, a guilt feeling washed over her. Given that she really felt that way, Joohyun thought she could deliver those words across in a gentler way, without madly rubbing it into Seungwan's face. Yes, she was mad, she was hurt, and she just wanted to keep her distance, but she told herself that hurting Seungwan with her words back in her office when she fired the younger girl was already enough. After all, Joohyun really never blamed Seungwan for the almost loss of investors. She just said that so Seungwan would accept the forced resignation as her secretary. She never intended to hurt Seungwan more than that. But blame it on her unfiltered, drunk self, she just did. 

 

She fired Seungwan because after realizing that she is still in love with the younger girl, Joohyun thinks it's better to keep her distance. The more she sees Seungwan, the more she realizes her own feelings, and she would be reminded of all the hurt and pain she'd been through. If she were to be honest, Joohyun didn't know if she could even unlove Seungwan. Five years had been spent resenting the younger girl and still, Joohyun is still in love with her. But she is still hurting. And she doesn't want to go through that pain again. And so, she decided to stay away from Seungwan.

 

So when Seungwan told her last night that she would not give up on her, it triggered Joohyun's emotions. Here she is, wanting to keep her distance so she could guard her heart but Seungwan is doing the opposite and making it hard on her. So, Joohyun drank the night away.

 

Joohyun sighs once again, shaking her head. She forced herself up to get a cold shower, hoping to clear her head. Luckily, it's the weekend and she has the whole day to herself. 

 

Freshly showered and sobered enough, Joohyun went to the kitchen to have some hot noodles when she noticed a pot on her stove. Upon seeing the porridge inside, Joohyun frowns. She couldn't recall what happened next after lashing out on Seungwan last night and throwing up outside her apartment. Now that Joohyun thinks about it, did she manage to get inside the apartment and to her bed on her own, or did someone help her? And if someone did, then who? She remembered telling Seungwan to leave but she didn't know if the younger girl listened to her. Or if she did, then maybe Seungwan called Seulgi for help? Joohyun couldn't recall. 

 

But as she heats up the porridge and brings it to , Joohyun finds her answer. The porridge tastes deliciously familiar, and there was only one she knew who could cook porridge like that. 

 

Seungwan.

 

Her heart ached with every spoonful of porridge she took, but there was also no denying that her heart felt warm. 

 

*

 

When she reports to her office the following week, Yerim enters with an envelope in hand.

 

"Joohyun eonnie, Seungwan eonnie is asking permission to see you."

 

Joohyun sighs. "Yerim-ah, I told you-"

 

"I know, eonnie. I know." Yerim interjected. "But Seungwan eonnie came with this-" she shows the envelope she's holding- "and I know you said not to let her in but I think it's just about right to talk personally about this."

 

With a frown, Joohyun takes the envelope and reads it. It was Seungwan's resignation letter. 

 

Oh.

 

There was a sudden prick on her chest at the thought of Seungwan leaving, but Joohyun ignored it. Instead, she told herself that finally, Seungwan seemed to understand and listened to her words. 

 

Joohyun took a deep breath. "Fine. Let her in."

 

Yerim nods and leaves the room. A while after, a knock was heard, followed by Seungwan's voice.

 

"Sajangnim, may I come in?"

 

Joohyun steeled her voice. "Go on."

 

Seungwan walks in cautiously, stopping a few meters from Joohyun's desk. 

 

"Yerim passed your letter to me." Joohyun asked casually, like how she would to a normal employee. "You're resigning?"

 

"Uh, yes, Joohyun sajangnim."

 

Joohyun nods and signs Seungwan's resignation letter. "All the best then for your future endeavors, Ms. Son. Thank you for your service."

 

Seungwan bows. "Thank you, Joohyun sajangnim. And thank you for all the opportunities."

 

Joohyun bobs her head. "If you don't have anything to say,"- she went back to her laptop. "-you can go now."

 

Seungwan pondered for a while, and Joohyun noticed it from her peripherals. "Do you have anything else to say, Ms. Son?"

 

"Joohyun sajangnim, uhm.." Seungwan cleared . "What- whatever I said that night at the party, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I failed to realize what you need and I kept pushing myself into you."

 

Joohyun grits her teeth. "Ms. Son-"

 

"But don't worry, sajangnim. I realized now that I really should've respected that." Seungwan cuts her off and bows once more. "Take care of yourself, Joohyun sajangnim."

 

With that, Seungwan left the office. And Joohyun made no attempt to stop her. 

 

This is what I wanted. She told herself.

 

An hour later, Seulgi came, lightly barging into her office. 

 

"Eonnie, Seungwan had just been in my office. Is it true? She resigned?"

 

"Yes." Joohyun answered without looking up from her laptop.

 

"Why?" Seulgi sat on the chair across her desk. "Did something happen? Wait. Did something happen that night she brought you home?"

 

So I was right. Joohyun thought. Seungwan was still the one who took care of me that night. 

 

Joohyun sighs. "You know how unfiltered I get when I'm drunk, Seulgi-yah. So I just gave her a piece of my mind."

 

"So.." Seulgi frowns. "She gave up?"

 

Joohyun shrugs. "It's better this way, Seulgi-yah."

 

"Will you be really okay with this, eonnie?"

 

Joohyun looks at Seulgi's worried eyes. She knows it wouldn't be easy. But this is what she needs. "I will be."

 

"Okay. Fine." Seulgi sighs. "I'm just here, okay, eonnie? In case you need someone to talk to."

 

Joohyun managed a smile. "I know, Seul. Thanks."

 

Joohyun continued her work with no other interruptions until it was already half an hour past five. Joohyun yawns and stretches her arms. Deciding to continue her work tomorrow instead, she got up and arranged her things, only to be startled when her hand phone rang.

 

She picks it up and frowns at the unknown number. Nonetheless, she takes the call.

 

"Hello?"

 

"Uhm, hello? Is this Bae Joohyun-ssi?"

 

Joohyun raised her brow. She knows this voice. "Sister Maria?"

 

"Oh, Joohyun-ah. Yes, yes, it's me."

 

Joohyun was about to ask why did the nun call when she heard a sniff on the other line.

 

"Joohyun-ah.." 

 

"S-sister Maria? What's wrong?"

 

"Joohyun-ah.. it's-" There was a quiver in the nun's voice. "It's Mother Superior. It's Mother Superior."

 

Joohyun's heart skipped a beat as her tears fell.

 

*

 

Joohyun didn't know where she got the courage to drive herself to the old church beside their orphanage where Mother Superior's remains are laid. Her eyes are blurry with tears and her knees are shaking as she walks towards the old nun's coffin. By the time she sees Mother Superior's peaceful yet lifeless body inside the coffin, Joohyun breaks down.

 

"Halmeoni." Joohyun called out in tears. "Halmeoni.. Halmeoni."

 

Joohyun sees and treats Mother Superior as her real grandmother. She grew up thinking that her parents didn't want her, hence they abandoned her at birth. Mother Superior was the first person who made Joohyun feel loved and wanted. Mother Superior raised her, even giving her surname for Joohyun to use. Though Joohyun was independent since she was a kid, she secretly relied and depended on Mother Superior's presence. When she decided to leave for the US five years ago after her breakup with Seungwan, holding off all communications with Mother Superior was her biggest sacrifice. There were countless times when Joohyun just wanted to call Mother Superior and cried her eyes out, but she controlled herself. She knows that if she did, kind Mother Superior won't be able to keep it a secret from Seungwan. And she was not yet ready to face Seungwan, especially back then. 

 

Now, it was one of Joohyun's biggest regrets. She and Mother Superior already lost five years together. She was just starting to make it up for the lost time, but Mother Superior already left her. 

 

Joohyun was not one to cry much. She's strong, independent, and seldom cries. But Mother Superior's presence always brings out the childlike in her. And so, Joohyun sobbed hard like a child, cradling Mother Superior's coffin. 

 

A little while after, she felt a hand on her back. Looking back, she saw an equally red-eyed Sister Maria who hugs her in an instant. Joohyun continued to cry on Sister Maria's shoulder, with the latter's hand patting her back comfortingly.

 

Joohyun didn't know how many minutes passed when her cries were finally reduced into sobs. 

 

"Do you want water?" Sister Maria asked kindly.

 

Joohyun shakes her head and wipes her tears. 

 

"Mother Superior told me that you already know of her sickness?"

 

Joohyun nods weakly. "I.. I should have tried more. I should have tried to convince her more to get treatment."

 

Sister Maria takes Joohyun's hand. "Don't blame yourself, Joohyun-ah. We, too, tried everything to convince her. But you know how stubborn she is."

 

"H-how.." Joohyun swallows a lump in . "Was she in too much pain?"

 

Sister Maria shakes her head. "For the first time in a few days, she woke up earlier today without being in pain. She was all smiles and her face was bright." The nun gave a small, sad smile. "We were in the garden waiting for Seungwan, since she called us earlier, saying that she'll come and stay for a few days. Mother Superior was excited, I think it was also the reason why she was smiling brightly all day. Then, she suddenly asked me to get her hand phone inside. I thought she was going to call Seungwan but it turned out that she wanted to call you."

 

Joohyun instantly teared up again. 

 

"She said that although it's only been a few days since you visited, she misses you already so she wanted to call you and to ask you if it would be possible that you can go with Seungwan and visit her. She missed seeing you two together, she said." 

 

Joohyun clenched her fist. She felt a bit regretful. If she had known, she would do what Mother Superior wanted, even if it meant spending a little bit of time with Seungwan again. 

 

Oh, and speaking of. Joohyun had been a crying mess since she arrived but now that she can think clearer, she realized that she hadn't seen Seungwan yet. Not that she was looking for the younger girl, but she knows how Mother Superior's passing would greatly affect Seungwan as well. And even though she made it clear that she wants to keep her distance, she wouldn't deny that a part of her still worries for the said girl. 

 

Joohyun clears . "W-where's Seungwan by the way, Sister?"

 

"She's at the orphanage." Sister Maria answered, albeit sadly. "Most of us are here so she volunteered to look after the children for the meantime." 

 

In reflex, Joohyun looked towards the direction of the orphanage. It was just beside the church so Joohyun could see a little bit of the orphanage. 

 

Beside her, Sister Maria heaved a sigh. "To be honest, I kind of worried about her, Joohyun-ah."

 

Hearing that, Joohyun turns back to Sister Maria with questioning eyes.

 

"When Seungwan arrived, we were still at the morgue. I thought she would break down but she just stood there, looking at Mother Superior blankly. It's as if her soul left her body. Her eyes look lifeless. And I haven't seen her cry yet since." Sister Maria sighs. "And I know she's a strong kid but she was never like that. She expresses her feelings well. So I feel like she was just keeping it all inside her. And that worries me."

 

Joohyun bit her lip. That is indeed unusual of Seungwan. 

 

"Well, but, anyway-" Sister Maria changes the subject and Joohyun thinks maybe it's because the nun thought she was uncomfortable talking about her ex-girlfriend. "Why don't you rest first, Joohyun-ah? I know you're tired from driving here and from all these crying." Sister Maria attempts to chuckle, wiping the remains of Joohyun's tears. 

 

Joohyun smiles back, nodding her head.

 

"There's still an available room in the orphanage. But if you want, you can also stay here at the church. I think there's still a spare room upstairs."

 

"I'll just use the room upstairs, Sister Maria."

 

"Alright then. I'll show you to your room so you can rest first."

 

*

 

Joohyun took a couple of days leave at least until Mother Superior's burial. Most of the time, she is at the church, helping with whatever needs to be done and sometimes, she entertains those who come to pay their condolences. A few times, she is at the orphanage, helping the nuns cook meals for the guests and children. 

 

In the two days that Joohyun was there, she met Seungwan only once. It was on the second day when Joohyun went to the orphanage to help Sister Maria prepare meals. Seungwan was in the garden, playing with a couple of kids. Seungwan was laughing along as she ran around the place, carrying an excited little girl on her back. But Joohyun can see through her, especially when their eyes meet. Seungwan might be laughing but it's just like what Sister Maria said, her eyes seem lifeless. 

 

"Joohyun sajangnim." Seungwan bows her head. The little girl jumped off from her back and Seungwan told her to play with the other children first. 

 

Joohyun bowed a little too. "I'm not your boss anymore. And we're not at the company."

 

"Uh, yes, yes. Of course." 

 

Nobody said a word after that, and yet, nobody made a move to leave too. 

 

"Seungwan eonnie!" It was the little girl from before who broke their awkward silence. It hasn't been a few minutes and she was running back to Seungwan already. "The other kids are already looking for you. We're ready to renovate the tree house!"

 

Seungwan laughs. "Okay, okay. I'm coming." She then turned to Joohyun.

 

"Uhm, I'll have to go now, eonnie." Seungwan scratches her nape. "C-can I still call you that?"

 

"Hm." Joohyun nods a little. "Yeah."

 

"Okay, so, I'll go now, eonnie. Take care of yourself." 

 

"Yeah. You too."

 

Seungwan smiles a little before taking the little girl's hand. "Let's go, kiddo."

 

As Joohyun watched Seungwan's retreating back, Joohyun could only heaved a sigh. It was obvious that Seungwan is masking her pain and distracting herself so she would not be reminded of Mother Superior. It was quite worrisome, but after what happened between them, Joohyun felt it's not her place to comfort the latter. Besides, she too, is still grieving. 

 

So, Joohyun thought it's fortunate when Seulgi, Yerim, and Sooyoung came to visit the next day. When she met Sooyoung's soft gaze, she noticed how the latter didn't seem surprised to see her there and she concluded that Seungwan must have already told her about their relationship before. 

 

"Eonnie, I'm sorry for your loss." Seulgi hugs her and Joohyun could feel her tears again. Yerim follows suit and hugs her just as tightly. 

 

"Ms. Joohyun, my deepest sympathies." Sooyoung gave her a short hug.

 

"Just eonnie will do, Sooyoung-ssi." She answered kindly. 

 

Sooyoung gives a smile and nods. "Then please drop the formalities too, eonnie."

 

Joohyun returns the smile and hums. 

 

"Oh, and uhm, I'm sorry for what I said back then at the restaurant about you, eonnie. I shouldn't have said that without knowing the full story."

 

Joohyun shakes her head. "It's alright now, Sooyoung-ah. I understand."

 

"Thank you, eonnie." 

 

Seulgi then asked how she was doing but she couldn't help but notice Sooyoung turning her head left and right. She knows the younger girl is probably looking for Seungwan but out of respect, Sooyoung didn't ask her about Seungwan's whereabouts.

 

"Are you looking for Seungwan, Sooyoung-ah?" She finally asked.

 

"Oh, uhm." Sooyoung grins a little. "Yes, eonnie."

 

Joohyun nods in understanding. "She's at the orphanage just beside this church. You've been there before right? Sister Maria told me."

 

"Uh, yes, eonnie. I know the way. Thank you."

 

Sooyoung excused herself after that to look for Seungwan, and deep inside her, Joohyun hoped that Sooyoung could comfort Seungwan too. 

 

*

 

It was the last day of the funeral when Joohyun saw Seungwan enter the church for the first time since she arrived there. Seungwan walked towards the front row and sat there quietly, a few meters away from Joohyun. Sitting between the two are their three friends who decided to visit again during the last day of the funeral. Her eyes met Seungwan's when the latter looked her way and gave her a small, acknowledging smile. But Joohyun noticed that even though Sooyoung is already there to hold her hand, the younger girl still wears the same lifeless eyes, and Joohyun ignored the way her heart aches seeing that. 

 

The mass for Mother Superior starts and Joohyun was called out upfront to give her eulogy.

 

"Well, uhm, uh.." Joohyun's voice quivered that she had to clear . "So, uhm, thirty years ago, Mother Superior- or Halmeoni, as I called her, found me at the doorstep of the orphanage. So, she, she took me in and basically raised me. She is like a real grandmother to me. Sometimes I even tend to forget that she's the Mother Superior and only think of her as my real halmeoni." Joohyun attempts to chuckle as her eyes start to get teary. 

 

"Leaving the orphanage was one of the hardest decisions I made. I was so scared to go out there without her by my side, but it's something that needed to be done, hence I did. But even though I left, halmeoni still continued to look after us without fail, always making sure that we have something to eat, always checking up on us if we're doing okay. With her constant care, it's like we never left the orphanage at all."

 

Joohyun paused for a while to wipe her nonstop tears. "As a child growing up without experiencing her parent's love, halmeoni did everything to make up for it." Joohyun sniffs, her voice shakes. "She was.. she was the first person who taught me what love is. She was the first person who gave me the love that I never experienced from my parents." 

 

Joohyun paused once again, clenching her fist and trying to control her tears. "H-halmeoni.. plays a big part in who and where I am today." She turned to Mother Superior's coffin at the center of the altar. "T-thank you, thank you for everything, halmeoni. I know I don't.. express much but, but you know I love you, right?" Joohyun croaks. "I- I will miss you so, so much, halmeoni."

 

When Joohyun went down, Sister Maria welcomed her in a tight embrace, making Joohyun cry once again. 

 

"Mother Superior is so proud of you, Joohyun-ah." Sister Maria whispered to her ears, rubbing her back comfortingly. "And she loves you so much too."

 

Joohyun closed her eyes as she stayed in Sister Maria's embrace for a little while, accepting the comfort she knew she needed.

 

She was the last one to deliver the eulogy, because when Sister Maria asked Seungwan if she wanted to go up there and say something to Mother Superior, Seungwan only shook her head. 

 

Despite her still tear-stricken face, Joohyun turned to Seungwan with worried eyes. The younger girl refused to cry, she refused to say what she feels or what's on her mind, even to Sooyoung who will constantly ask her what she is feeling. Even during the giving of eulogies, Seungwan was just staring blankly ahead. 

 

Joohyun heaved a sigh. She does not pretend anymore that she isn't worried about the younger girl. A part of her wants to comfort Seungwan. After all, Joohyun told herself, before they were lovers, they were friends first- best friends who relied on the same person whom they were mourning for this day. But another part of her made her step back and ground herself. She was the one who wanted distance between them, and now that Seungwan was giving it to her, Joohyun doesn't want to cross that space and unintentionally make Seungwan hope again. That latter part of her always wins, and so, Joohyun would always maintain her distance and stop herself from going into Seungwan. 

 

After the mass, they went to the nearby cemetery to finally lay Mother Superior's body to rest. Once the coffin was cemented on the ground, the people who came started leaving too as the rain started pouring heavily, as if to share their tears. 

 

Joohyun bent down and touched the newly made tomb. "No more pain for you, halmeoni." She whispered, as her tears started falling again. She stayed like that for a little while before she wipes her tears and stands back up. "I'll visit you again, halmeoni."

 

Seulgi pats her back and Joohyun gives a thankful smile in return. 

 

"Eonnie, let's go?" Joohyun heard Sooyoung say to Seungwan. 

 

"You go ahead first." Seungwan answered as she stood there staring at Mother Superior's tomb, an umbrella over her head. "I like to stay for a while."

 

"I'll wait for you then at the orphanage?"

 

Seungwan shakes her head. "No need, Sooyoung-ah. You can go back to Seoul first. I'll go back in a couple of days."

 

Sooyoung then looks at Joohyun, as if she wants to ask the older girl if it's okay to leave Seungwan there. Joohyun thought the actress did it because the latter thinks she knows Seungwan more. Joohyun didn't protest, it's not the right time and place. And so, she just nods her head at Sooyoung.

 

Joohyun, with Seulgi, Sooyoung, and Yerim, went back to the church to get Joohyun's things. Now that Mother Superior was already laid to rest, Joohyun decided to go back to Seoul already. 

 

"Will you guys wait for me here? I'll just get my belongings upstairs." Joohyun told her friends.

 

When she went upstairs, she was surprised to see a little girl standing outside of her room, as if waiting for someone. As Joohyun takes a closer look, she realizes it was the little girl who Seungwan always played with for the past days. 

 

"Uhm, hello?" 

 

At Joohyun's greeting, the little girl immediately turns her head at her. 

 

"Eonnie! You're here."

 

Joohyun slightly raised her brow. "Are you waiting for me?"

 

The little girl nods her head. 

 

"Oh, okay." It came as a surprise to Joohyun since she never really knew the little girl, but still, she entertains her. "Uhm, so, I need to arrange my belongings inside. So, do you perhaps want to go in instead?" 

 

The little girl hums with a smile. "Okay, eonnie."

 

"So, what's your name, dear?" Joohyun asked as they entered the room and the little girl plops herself up on the bed.

 

"My name is Juhyun, eonnie."

 

"Oh, really? Wow. We have the same name."

 

The little girl laughs. "I know, eonnie. I heard Seungwan eonnie calling you that last time at the orphanage."

 

Joohyun nods. "Okay, so what can I do for you then, Juhyun-ah? Why are you waiting for me?"

 

"Well, eonnie.." Juhyun hesitated at first. "Uh.. I just wanted to ask if you and Seungwan eonnie are friends?"

 

"Uhh.." Joohyun was not so sure how to answer that. "Wait. Why are you asking?"

 

"Well, Sister Maria once told me that when Seungwan eonnie was still a kid at the orphanage, she had a friend who's name is like mine. She even jokes that that may be the reason why Seungwan eonnie is really fond of me." 

 

Joohyun unconsciously blushes hearing that. 

 

"So when we saw you the other day and Seungwan eonnie called your name, I thought maybe it's you that Sister Maria was talking about."

 

"Well.." Joohyun chuckles, albeit awkwardly. "Yes, I guess. I was that Joohyun."

 

Little Juhyun clasps her hands together. "Alright, I knew it!"

 

"Why did you want to know, anyway, Juhyun-ah?"

 

"Uh, that. Since you and Seungwan eonnie grew up here and you two were friends, I was actually wondering if you probably know the three things that Seungwan eonnie loves the most?"

 

Now, Joohyun hadn't expected the little girl's answer. She frowns. "Three things she loves the most? What do you mean?"

 

Little Juhyun pouts at Joohyun's question. It's as if the little girl was disappointed that the older girl is asking her back and has no idea of what she meant. Nonetheless, she answered. 

 

"Seungwan eonnie told me one time that when she was still a kid, Mother Superior asked them in class to list everything that they love the most in this world. Mother Superior made them write it down on paper and kept it so that when they're having a difficult time, they can just look at that list and it will remind them of what they have and then they'll be thankful and feel happy." Little Juhyun answered. "That's what Seungwan eonnie told me."

 

Hearing the little girl's answer, Joohyun remembers it. She remembered a nine year old Seungwan running to her to show her what she had written down. 

 

The three things I love the most in this world:

 

1. Hyunnie

2. Singing

3. Halmeoni

 

There was an aching on her chest at the memory. Joohyun shakes her head and focuses on the little girl instead. "But why are you asking?"

 

"It's because I want to help Seungwan eonnie."

 

"Help?" Joohyun raised her brow. "In what?"

 

"Seungwan eonnie told me that there are so many things to love in the world, but she only wrote three. Because for her, only those three are enough to make her happy. She said she only needs those three." Little Juhyun sighs. "Ever since Mother Superior went away, Seungwan eonnie became really, really sad. Then one day, she told me that it's because now that Mother Superior is gone, she had just lost everything that she loves the most in this world, and that there's nothing left of her anymore." 

 

Joohyun raised a hand to her chest. She remembered her last conversation with Mother Superior. 

 

Halmeoni knows. She knew, and she was right. 

 

So this is what Seungwan has been feeling all these times? That she just lost everything? Halmeoni.. Her ability to sing.. and me?

 

It was like something pricked her chest. And it hurts. She couldn't deny that her heart still hurts for Seungwan.

 

"Seungwan eonnie has always been good to me from the start." Little Juhyun continued, oblivious of Joohyun's reaction. "She was always there for me, and now that she's the one who needs help, I want to be there for her too. So, please, eonnie, if you know any of those three things that Seungwan eonnie loves the most, please tell me. I want to help her get them back, so she won't feel sad anymore."

 

What am I gonna do now? Joohyun asked herself. Seungwan..

 

"Eonnie?" Little Juhyun's touch on her arms brings her back to reality. "Why are you crying?"

 

Surprised, Joohyun touched her face and indeed, she was crying. She didn't even realize.

 

"Are you sad too, eonnie?"

 

Joohyun wipes her tears and smiles. "Yeah, I guess I am."

 

"Oh." Little Juhyun puts a finger to her chin, thinking. "Then, what makes you happy, eonnie?"

 

"What? Me?"

 

The little girl hums. "Hm. Like, if you could also write the things that you love the most and would make you happy, what would they be?"

 

"Well.. Mother Superior would definitely be in that list."

 

Juhyun pouts. "I can't do anything about that." She whispered cutely to herself, making Joohyun smile.  

 

"Okay. What else, eonnie?"

 

"Uhm.." Joohyun pondered for a moment. "Friends?"

 

"Friends?" Juhyun repeated, happily this time, as if she just found a solution. "Well, you and Seungwan eonnie are friends right? Why don't you go to her, eonnie, so you could be happy?"

 

Joohyun chuckles at the little girl's thoughts. "I don't think that's easy, Juhyun-ah."

 

Juhyun clicked her tongue. "I really don't understand when grown ups make that excuse."

 

Joohyun laughs. "What?"

 

"I mean," Juhyun shrugs. "If you really wanted, like if you really like something, but you think it's not easy, then shouldn't you make a way to make it easy instead?"

 

"Well, then, smart girl," Joohyun ruffles the little girl's hair fondly. "But what if going to your friend will just hurt you? That's why it's not easy."

 

"What? I don't understand, eonnie." Juhyun frowns, arms akimbo. "I thought you just said that you love your friends, that they make you happy. Then why is going to them will hurt you?"

 

"Uhh.." Joohyun posed to be thinking. "Let's put it this way. There are times when it's the people you love who can hurt you the most."

 

"I don't understand that, eonnie." Juhyun scratches the back of her head. "But if that's the case, then maybe you should have to choose instead?"

 

"Choose? Between?"

 

"Well, between what your friend will cause you more. Will your friend cause you more happiness? Or will cause you more pain? Does being with your friend hurt you more than make you happy? Or, if the happiness you'll feel when you're with your friend is greater than the hurt it will cause." 

 

Will being with Seungwan make me more hurt than happy? Or make me more happy than hurt?

 

Joohyun had not thought of it before. All she knew was the pain she felt. She was so focused on the pain that she hadn't thought of comparing what's weighing on her more- the hurt or the happiness that Seungwan caused. 

 

But now that she was told to think about it, Joohyun pondered for the answer. She thought of her life with and without Seungwan.

 

She heaved a sigh.

 

"Well, what if it's both then?" Undecided, Joohyun chose to ask a hypothetical question instead.

 

"I doubt it's both. One would always weigh more above the other, even if it's just a tiny bit." Juhyun answered with a pout. "Oh well. But if it's really both for you, eonnie, then maybe you could just ask yourself if your friend is worth taking the risk of being hurt."

 

"What?" Joohyun managed a small chuckle, surprised by the little girl's deep answer.

 

Juhyun shrugs. "Mother Superior would always tell me that all great things are worth taking the risk for."

 

All great things are worth taking the risk for.

 

Joohyun heard that already before. Now that Joohyun remembered, Mother Superior had once told it to her too. 

 

"If you're having a hard time, you could take your time and think about it first, eonnie, you know. Don't make rushed decisions." The little girl continued, interrupting Joohyun's thoughts 

 

She shakes her head and chuckles at the little girl in front of her. "How old are you, by the way, Juhyun-ah?"

 

"I just turned seven, eonnie."

 

"Well, aren't you a smart kid?" Joohyun ruffles her hair once again. 

 

"I know. Seungwan eonnie told me that too. She said I reminded her of someone she knows- independent and smart."

 

Joohyun let out a small smile at that.

 

"Oh no!" Juhyun's eyes widened. "I've forgotten Seungwan eonnie for a moment, eonnie. So? Do you know any of those things that Seungwan eonnie loves the most? Because I refused to believe that she lost them all. I will help her find them."

 

Joohyun was conflicted. She wanted to keep her distance from Seungwan. Yet, she couldn't help but worry over the latter, especially after what Juhyun told her.

 

Seungwan feels that she's all alone now. 

 

Her heart aches at that thought. Sighing, she makes a decision. Just this one time. Joohyun told herself. 

 

Joohyun pats little Juhyun's head. "I'll help you, okay?"

 

Juhyun's eyes lit up. "Really, eonnie?"

 

Joohyun nods her head. 

 

"Thank you, eonnie!" Little Juhyun hugs the older girl.

 

"Now, shall we go back to the orphanage and wait for your Seungwan eonnie?"

 

Juhyun bobs her head. "Let's go, eonnie!"

 

*

 

Joohyun told her friends to go back to Seoul first and that she would just follow suit. She went back with Juhyun at the orphanage where the little girl insisted on showing her around while Seungwan is not yet back.

 

She had been to the orphanage a few times already but this is the first time she walked around inside since five years ago. During her last visits, she would just stay at the garden with Mother Superior. 

 

Now, being in the garden reminds her of the last time she came here to visit, the last time she saw Mother Superior.

--

Mother Superior laughs. "Why do you keep sighing and frowning at me, Hyun-ah? Are you angry at me?"

 

Joohyun pouts. "Yes. I am."

 

The old nun chuckles. "Why?"

 

"Why don't you want to get the treatment, halmeoni?"

 

"Hyun-ah, I told you, it would just be a waste of money."

 

"How can it be a waste of money if it's about your health? Don't think about the expenses, halmeoni. I'll take care of it. Just get the treatment."

 

"It's not that, Joohyun-ah. The cancer had already spread. And the treatment won't remove those cancer cells anyways. They would just prolong my life for a bit more."

 

"And what's so bad about that, halmeoni? We'll get to spend more time with you."

 

Mother Superior pats Joohyun's hand. "It gets tiring, Joohyun-ah."

 

"Are you tired with us already?"

 

"No." Mother Superior chuckles. She knows that Joohyun never really thinks that way and the younger girl just said that to convince her. "I am already happy and content with how I lived my life, Hyun. Seeing the kids at this orphanage, getting frequent visits by the grown ups who were once my children here, and seeing how you and Seungwan grew up so well, I really couldn't ask for more anymore, Joohyun-ah."

 

"But.. we still need you, halmeoni."

 

"Well, to be honest, I was kind of glad to hear that." Mother Superior laughs. "Imagine, you grew up to be a fine and successful young woman and you still need me."

 

"Halmeoni. I'm serious."

 

Mother Superior pats her head. "You'll be fine, Joohyun-ah. Besides, I'll just always be here anyway. Maybe not physically, but I'll always be here."

 

"But what am I supposed to do then when you're gone?"

 

"Nothing? You're already doing great, Joohyun-ah. Just continue living your life the way it is."

 

"And.. Seungwan?"

 

"Hm? What about her?"

 

"Are you even planning to tell her that you're sick, halmeoni? She doesn't even have the slightest idea and if you just left like this, she would be devastated, halmeoni. Why are you being like this? You can't do that to her."

 

Surprisingly, Mother Superior laughs.

 

"Halmeoni, why are you laughing? It's not funny."

 

"Even after all this time, you still always get so worked up when it comes to Seungwan."

 

"Halmeoni.."

 

"Are you looking out for her then? I thought you said before at the hospital that I can't ask that of you." 

 

"Ughh.." Joohyun whines. "Halmeoni."

 

"I'm just kidding, Hyun-ah." Mother Superior laughs. 

 

Joohyun sighs. "Don't change the subject, halmeoni. I'm asking what are you going to do about Seungwan."

 

"I think it's better this way, Joohyun-ah. It's better if she doesn't know."

 

"What? Why, halmeoni?"

 

"Remember when you were still kids and your adoption papers were finally being finalized? I told you to tell Seungwan about it already so she will have time to prepare herself, so she wouldn't be too shocked that you'll have to leave one day."

 

Joohyun nods. She remembers it.

 

"Do you remember what you answered me then?"

 

Joohyun sighs. "I told you that I don't want to see the smile fade on her face. That if I'll have to leave, at least I want our last memories to be happy ones. That I don't want our remaining time together to be spent crying."

 

Mother Superior smiles kindly, as if telling Joohyun that she already got her answer. "You know how Seungwan is. She is loud and all smiles but she is really just a crybaby."

 

"She.. she will be really sad, halmeoni. Well, I am too, but.. you know her, you know what I mean."

 

Mother Superior nods. "I know, Hyun. I know."

 

"Halmeoni, I can't promise that I'll be there for her. You know how things are between us, well, especially right now."

 

"I know, Hyun. And I understand."

 

"Aren't you worried for her?"

 

"I worry for both of you. I worry that you'll be too hard on yourself. I worry that you won't follow your heart and believe in love anymore."

 

"I don't want to be weak, halmeoni."

 

"Hyun-ah, it's okay to be weak. Remember that. And besides, who told you that following your heart is only for the weak? Don't you know that it is one of the bravest things a person can do? Joohyun-ah, I am not asking you to get back with Seungwan. You can choose anyone to love. You're the only one who could and would decide on that. But rather, I want you to choose your happiness. Be where you're happy. That's what matters to me the most."

 

Mother Superior smiles softly as Joohyun tears up. She wipes the young girl's tears.

 

"Hyun, happy memories only, right? Good Lord forbids, but if this is our last moment together, I don't want it to be filled with tears." 

 

Joohyun nods, wiping her own tears as well.

 

"Hyun-ah? I know this may be too much to ask this time, but, can I just ask one favor from you?"

 

"What is it, halmeoni?"

 

"Well, someday.. When that day comes that the wound of your heart is healed, and you're all okay again, I hope you could still find it in yourself to be Seungwan's friend again. I just.. I just worry that once I'm gone, Seungwan will think that she doesn't have anyone or anything anymore, that she'll feel like she lost everything."

 

"But that's not.. I mean, why would you say so, halmeoni?"

 

"Nothing, it's just that, well, you know her. She's a sentimental kid. I just don't like her to feel that way."

 

"She shouldn't even feel that way in the first place. She has lots of people around her who care."

 

"I know, Hyun-ah. But I'm just saying."

 

Joohyun nods. "Don't worry about it, halmeoni."

 

"Thank you, Hyun-ah."

--

"Eonnie. You're crying again."

 

Joohyun felt little hands brushing her tears away. She sends little Juhyun a soft smile. 

 

"Thank you, Juhyun-ah. I just thought of halmeoni. I didn't realize I was crying again."

 

Juhyun smiled back. "It's okay, eonnie. Mother Superior always says that it's okay to cry."

 

Joohyun nods. "She's right." She then looks outside and realizes that it's still raining heavily. "Is your Seungwan eonnie not back yet?"

 

Juhyun shakes her head. "She's still not here, eonnie."

 

Joohyun frowns. She thinks almost an hour has passed already, and she couldn't help but get worried. 

 

"Juhyun, you go back inside first, okay?"

 

"Why? Where are you going, eonnie?"

 

"I'll just.. go back to the cemetery."

 

"You'll go to Seungwan eonnie?"

 

"Yeah. She's been out for too long. I guess it's time to call her back."

 

Little Juhyun beams, surprising Joohyun. "Then, does that mean that being with Seungwan eonnie makes you more happy than hurt, eonnie?"

 

"Eh?" Joohyun obviously didn't see that coming. She hadn't even thought of that yet. "W-what?"

 

"Well.. it's Seungwan eonnie we're talking about earlier in your room, right? That friend that will make you happy but then being with that person can also hurt you. You're talking about her, right, eonnie?"

 

Joohyun shakes her head amusingly. She pokes the little girl's nose. "You know too much, little smarty." Chuckling to herself, she pushed Juhyun lightly towards the main door of the orphanage. "Go inside, go, go."

 

"I'll wait for the two of you, eonnie!"

 

Joohyun nods, waving her hand.

 

*

 

When Joohyun arrived at the cemetery, she couldn't see any figure from afar. But as she walked nearer towards Mother Superior's tomb, she heard Seungwan's quivering voice. 

 

There, she saw Seungwan kneeling in front of the tomb. The latter's umbrella was long forgotten at the side as Seungwan let herself get rained on. She was crouching down, and she was.. 

 

Joohyun stopped on her tracks, unable to move any further.

 

Seungwan was crying. Hard.

 

"I'm sorry, halmeoni."

 

Despite the loud rain, Joohyun can clearly hear Seungwan's cries. 

 

"I.. I.." Seungwan was already choking from crying too much. Joohyun made a step towards the latter but immediately stopped herself. Though worried that the younger girl is continuously being drenched by the heavy rain, Seungwan was finally letting out all her feelings. And Joohyun thought she should give her time. 

 

"I'm sorry, halmeoni." Seungwan cried out once more. "I didn't mean it.. when I wrote that.. that I love singing more than you. Of course, I didn't mean it."

 

Joohyun heard the younger girl and her tears fell in an instant. She remembers that memory clearly. 

 

"I was just.. joking, halmeoni. I'm just.. too lazy to.. to write it down again so, so I just wrote your name under number three.. but.. but.. I love you more than singing, halmeoni. You didn't even give me a chance to clear that out to you."  Seungwan sobs harder. "Are you mad because of that, halmeoni? Is that why.. is that why you left me?"

 

Joohyun just stood there, crying with the younger girl. It hurts her to see Seungwan this way, it hurts to hear her words and cries.

 

"You know that you're the only one I have now.. so why did you still leave me, halmeoni? You're.. you're the only one that's left of me.. and now, I lost you too. What am I gonna do then now, halmeoni? When there's nothing left of me anymore."

 

Joohyun couldn't hold it in anymore. She knew there are things to consider- like how her actions might just confuse Seungwan more, or how it may seem like she's playing the push and pull game with Seungwan. Joohyun knew she had to think of those, but right now, the most important thing for her is to let Seungwan know that she is not alone. She couldn't let Seungwan think that way anymore. Running towards the crying girl, Joohyun threw her umbrella down and hugged Seungwan with both hands, with all her might.

 

Seungwan initially stiffened on her hold. But upon realizing that Joohyun is there, holding her, Seungwan cries harder. 

 

"Hyun..nie.."

 

"I'm here, Wannie-yah. I'm here."

 

Joohyun felt Seungwan clenching the back of her shirt hard. It's as if the younger girl is trying to control her cries but it's getting harder and harder to contain. Joohyun rubs her back soothingly.

 

"It's alright. Let it all out, Wannie. It's alright."

 

"Hyunnie.. Hyunnie.."

 

"I'm here, Seungwan. You have me. You still have me."