V

 

"Joohyun sajangnim?"

 

Joohyun tore her gaze from the papers she's reading and looked at her.

 

"Uh.. Are you feeling better now?" Seungwan asked. During that dinner last friday, she was surprised to know that Joohyun had suddenly left and when Sooyoung told her that Joohyun excused herself for not feeling well, Seungwan grew worried. She wanted to message Joohyun but she knows they are not on that level yet. Besides, their last conversation at Minho's office turned out to be a disaster. Seungwan was actually looking forward to seeing Joohyun in the office today to apologize for that day too, and she felt relieved when Joohyun arrived at the company. 

 

"Do you need me to get you medicine or something, sajangnim?"

 

"I'm fine." Joohyun kept her answer short.

 

"Oh, alright. That's good. And uhm.. sajangnim?" Seungwan called out with hesitancy. 

 

Joohyun looks up at her, waiting.

 

"What happened back there at Minho bujangnim's office, I apologize." Seungwan bows her head. "I.. don't know what came over me but I realized that I was wrong and I deeply apologize, sajangnim."

 

"Hm." Joohyun hums, then a pause. "I apologize too."

 

Seungwan's eyes widened. What on earth.. She immediately shakes her head. "No, no. You don't have to apologize, sajangnim. It's my fault and-"

 

"I said something harsh." Joohyun cuts her off. 

 

Joohyun was avoiding her gaze and Seungwan thought that it's just Joohyun getting shy. She internally smiled at this. "It's alright, Joohyun sajangnim. I kind of deserved it anyway." Seugnwan whispered the last sentence. She admits that what Joohyun said that time hurts, but it's the truth. And Seungwan must accept that.

 

She saw Joohyun about to open , but fought against it. Instead, Joohyun nods and gets back to reading her papers.

 

Seungwan hesitantly walks up to Joohyun and places the paper bag she's holding on the CEO's desk. "Your breakfast, sajangnim."

 

Seungwan was readying herself to get back the paper bag again and to throw it as per Joohyun's order, because for months now, it was the routine. However, she was surprised when she heard Joohyun heaved a sigh instead.

 

"Aren't you tired of doing this?" Joohyun asked.

 

"Uhm, what do you mean, sajangnim?"

 

"This." Joohyun points at the paper bag. "I have been refusing this since the start. Will you stop doing this now? You're just wasting your time and the food." 

 

Joohyun sounded tired, but she didn't sound angry. Maybe that's why Seungwan finds the courage to stand her ground.

 

"I'll keep trying, sajangnim."

 

Joohyun shakes her head. "I don't need this. I'm just fine even without breakfast."

 

"But you shouldn't get yourself used to it, sajangnim." Seungwan answered, being careful not to sound argumentative or pushy with her words. "Especially since you're always so busy with work."

 

Joohyun clicked her tongue. "You don't even listen to your boss."

 

Seungwan bowed. "Sorry, sajangnim."

 

With another shake of her head, Joohyun gets back to her work. "Ms. Park will be here today after lunch. I'll tour her around the company. Be there as well."

 

Seungwan nods her head. "Yes, sajangnim." She eyed the paper bag that was still untouched on Joohyun's desk. "Uh, sajangnim, shall I throw-"

 

"Leave it."

 

Seungwan's eyes widened. Joohyun's eyes were on her papers but Seungwan heard her right. Right?

 

"I don't eat breakfast." Joohyun added, still not looking at Seungwan. "But I guess I can try and share it with Seulgi."

 

Seungwan's lips curved into a smile. If she could, she might even squeal in delight. Seungwan didn't know what caused the sudden change in Joohyun, but she didn't need to ask why. She didn't need a reason, and she was just happy that finally, there seemed to be progress. 

 

"Okay, sajangnim!" Seungwan couldn't hide her joy at her answer. "Thank you."

 

Joohyun spare one glance at Seungwan and hums in acknowledgement.

 

**

 

"Eonnie!" Sooyoung engulfs her in a hug. "It's good to see you again."

 

Seungwan laughs as she pats the younger girl's back. "We just saw each other before the weekend, Sooyoung-ah."

 

"I know. But it's two days ago, and I still can't believe that we're together again." Sooyoung grins.

 

"Me too." Seungwan chuckles. "And woah, I can't believe that you were not lying when you told me that you're a big star here in Korea."

 

Park Sooyoung arrived at the company a little past lunch and she was greeted by Joohyun, Seulgi, and Yerim. Being the biggest star in their company, Joohyun wanted to personally tour the actress around and introduce the latter to their employees. Whenever they go though, men and women will have their jaws dropped upon seeing the famous actress, asking for her autograph.

 

"I told you I'm famous." Sooyoung laughs back.

 

"And here, Sooyoung-ssi, is the area designated for the trainees." Joohyun, who was walking on their front alongside Seulgi, gestured towards the rooms ahead.

 

Sooyoung nods. They took a peek inside the rooms and saw some trainees being taught proper vocalization.

 

"I'm amazed that you try to focus on both industries, Ms. Joohyun." Sooyoung commented. "Because in my previous company, they only prioritize actors and the like."

 

Joohyun bobs her head. "I want to be good at both."

 

Sooyoung smiles. "That's good."

 

They continued walking along, stopping at every room or people they passed by.

 

"Say, Seungwan eonnie." Sooyoung muttered at the girl beside her. "Why don't you be a vocal trainor instead?"

 

"What?" Seungwan whispered. They were still doing the tour with Joohyun and Seulgi and she doesn't want them to think that she was being unprofessional by casually chatting with their actress.

 

"You should be a vocal trainor instead." Sooyoung answered, not even lowering her voice. "That way, you're still closer to your dream."

 

"No. I can't."

 

"But why?"

 

"I can't teach someone to sing when I can't even sing myself." Seungwan answered, keeping her voice low.

 

"Then just teach them the techniques?"

 

Seungwan shakes her head. "That won't do. The best way to teach someone is to show them. But I can't do that anymore."

 

Sooyoung didn't argue back. A few minutes later though, Sooyoung opens again. "Are you still planning to go back to the US to find Hyunnie?"

 

Seungwan's eyes almost bulged at the question. Sooyoung's voice was in her normal volume and she was sure that Joohyun, who was only a meter ahead of them, could hear it. Seungwan glanced at Joohyun and fortunately, the CEO was talking to Seulgi.

 

"No. I don't." Seungwan finally answered Sooyoung.

 

"Then, you don't have to save that much money. Right?"

 

Seungwan raised her brow. "Uh.. Yes? I think so. Why?"

 

"Then you could already get the operation on your vocal nodule!" 

 

"Yah." Seungwan noticed that the two bosses in front of them stopped talking. "Could you please lower your voice?"

 

"Fine." Sooyoung huffs. "So? About the surgery-"

 

"It would still cost too much." Seungwan answered. "And no, Sooyoung-ah, I won't accept any money or offer from you."

 

Sooyoung instantly closes . 

 

"Besides, you heard what the vocal coach said then right? Even with the surgery, it can't guarantee that I could get my voice back. Seeing as how I can't seem to try and sing differently with this nodule."

 

"Then, see a Psychiatrist first. Just like what your coach suggested. Maybe it'll help."

 

Seungwan shakes her head. "Not now, Sooyoung-ah. That's not my priority right now."

 

Sooyoung frowns. "What, then?"

 

Seungwan didn't answer. Her eyes trained on Joohyun's back.

 

Besider her, Sooyoung heaved a sigh. "When will you prioritize yourself first, eonnie?"

 

Seungwan didn't answer that as well.

 

**

 

"Ms. Son."

 

Seungwan was about to leave the CEO's office when Joohyun's call stopped her. 

 

"Yes, sajangnim?"

 

"Sooyoung-ssi talked to me yesterday, and she has a favor to ask." Joohyun averted her gaze and she can't seem to look straight into Seungwan's eyes. If the secretary knew it better, she would have thought Joohyun was hiding something. Still, Seungwan thought it's just Joohyun being aloof and uncomfortable with her. 

 

"She, uh.. She told me you won't listen to her so she asked me if I can try and convince you instead."

 

Sooyoung? Seungwan frowns. "What about it, sajangnim?"

 

"She wants me to convince you to consult a psychiatrist." Joohyun shrugs, eyes still not meeting Seungwan. "For your voice."

 

Seungwan was shocked. "S-she told you a-about that?"

 

"I already knew it from Seulgi. But yeah, Sooyoung-ssi gave us the details."

 

If Sooyoung is only there, Seungwan would probably kill her on the spot already. Sooyoung and her big mouth. Ugh!

 

"Uhh.. You don't have to worry about it, sajangnim. I'll, uh, I'll talk to Sooyoung-"

 

"No!"

 

The way Joohyun snapped her head at her stopped Seungwan. 

 

Joohyun, who seemed to realize her outburst, clears . "I mean.. You can't tell her I told you. She, uh, she told me not to tell you that she asked me that."

 

"Oh. Okay." Seungwan nods. "But you don't need to trouble yourself, sajangnim. I'll talk to Sooyoung and don't worry, I won't even mention your name."

 

Joohyun frowns at Seungwan. "You don't want to do it." 

 

Seungwan didn't answer. It wasn't even a question.

 

"You used to love singing."

 

Seungwan had to look at Joohyun at that. The CEO's words were like she's bringing up the past and Seungwan was sure that Joohyun doesn't like that. And yet, Joohyun was looking at her with soft, curious eyes. 

 

After a while, she heard Joohyun sigh. "Listen, Ms. Son. Ms. Park Sooyoung is a very important figure in our company, especially now that we're just starting. So, as much as possible, I want to be on her good side. The only reason I'm doing this is for the company."

 

Seungwan bobs her head in understanding. She had expected it anyway. "I understand, sajangnim." I'll do whatever I can to help you, goes unsaid. Seungwan doesn't want it to sound like the CEO owes her a favor.

 

"Great." Joohyun answered, a bit impassively. "Then, in return," 

 

Seungwan noticed the slightly reddening cheeks. Joohyun looked away before Seungwan could make sure of it though. 

 

Joohyun, with eyes back on her laptop screen, points towards the paperbag that Seungwan brought to her table earlier. 

 

Seungwan raised her brow in question.

 

"In return, I'll eat the breakfast you'll have for me. Everyday."

 

Seungwan's mouth hangs open, her eyes wide. Did I hear her right?

 

The sight of a slightly flustered Joohyun was enough for Seungwan to confirm her thoughts. Her lips slowly formed into a grin.

 

Joohyun cleared . "If the deal's good for you, then you may go now."

 

Seungwan beamed and bowed her head. "Thank you, Joohyun sajangnim."

 

**

 

Keeping her end of the deal with Joohyun, Seungwan set an appointment to a psychiatrist Seulgi recommended. She was given questionnaires, all pertaining to her personal life, which she completed answering for more than an hour. It was quite uncomfortable for Seungwan though, especially when she had to remember her parents and the accident that made her an orphan. 

 

Once she was done, she was called inside where Doctor Hwang, the psychiatrist, took a good read on her profiles and answers. 

 

"So, Seungwan-ssi," Doctor Hwang started. "I understand that you were in an accident when you were six years old. And because of trauma, you weren't able to talk when you woke up at the hospital after the accident. Is that right?"

 

Seungwan nods. "Yes. The doctor who checked on me thought that it was from the trauma."

 

"Post traumatic stress disorder." Dr. Hwang stated, nodding to herself. "So, was it a total loss of your voice?"

 

Seungwan thought about it and shook her head. "I think I was able to make audible sounds, like when I cry. I just can't verbalize and form words."

 

"I see. And it went on for almost two years?"

 

"Yes, Dr. Hwang."

 

"Could you recall how you felt back then? When you woke up in the hospital bed?"

 

"I'm not quite sure.. But the only thing I remembered was feeling lost."

 

Dr. Hwang writes something on her clipboard. "You were able to talk after two years. Do you still remember the day it happened?"

 

"Uhm, yes, Dr. Hwang. Not fully, I think. But I do remember some details."

 

Dr. Hwang gets back on her questionnaire. "You wrote here that you think you were able to talk because of.. someone special?"

 

Seungwan blushed. She nods her head.

 

"Okay." Dr. Hwang reads her profile once again. "And then, three years ago, you were diagnosed with a vocal nodule. You didn't get surgery?"

 

"No. I, uh, I can't afford the cost."

 

Dr. Hwang nods understandingly. "So you consulted a professional vocal instructor to help you learn how to use your voice and sing in spite of the nodule. Correct?"

 

"That's right, Dr. Hwang." Seungwan answered.

 

"And you said here that your voice won't come out then?"

 

Once again, Seungwan nods. "I still can sing. But with the vocal nodule, my voice comes out like it was being grated. So my instructor tried to teach me how to sing with a nodule, like trying to use my head voice instead. It was like, reformatting my voice or relearning how to sing. But I wasn't able to do it. Even my instructor was finding it weird."

 

"Was it similar to how you felt when you tried to talk when you were six years old but no words would come out?"

 

Seungwan thought for some time. "Well, yeah, I guess. Now that you mentioned it, yes, I guess the feelings were similar."

 

Dr. Hwang reads her previous notes. There was a slight frown on her face.

 

"I'm just curious, Seungwan-ssi."

 

Seungwan looked up to meet Dr. Hwang's curious eyes. "Go on, Dr. Hwang."

 

"Well.. this someone special you mentioned earlier, is this person still in your life?"

 

Hyunnie? Seungwan frowns. With her current situation with Joohyun, the question was quite confusing. "Uh, if you're talking about physical presence, then yes, she's still in my life, Dr. Hwang."

 

"And..how about the non-physical presence?"

 

"Oh. W-well.. things were not the same as before, so.."

 

Dr. Hwang raised her brow. "When did it change?"

 

"Five years ago."

 

Dr. Hwang writes her answer. "Two years before you had vocal nodules."

 

"Uh, yes. That would be it."

 

"You told me that when you woke up at the hospital when you were six, you remembered feeling lost. Right?"

 

Seungwan nods. "Right, Dr. Hwang."

 

"If I may ask, Seungwan-ssi. Will I be correct to assume that you also felt the same way five years ago? That you were feeling lost?"

 

Five years ago?

 

"Hyunnie, please. Don't leave me, please."

 

Seungwan remembered it too well. 

 

She nods her head solemnly. "I guess that would be right, Dr. Hwang."

--

After their break up, Joohyun moved out of their shared house and rented a small apartment near her workplace. Since then, Seungwan would always make an effort to talk with Joohyun, bringing her food and waiting for the older girl outside her office building everyday. Joohyun wouldn't give in though, and that's how Seungwan realized how much she had hurt the latter. Still trying to make things right, Seungwan didn't give up. 

 

Five days into this routine , Joohyun finally stopped where Seungwan was. 

 

"H-hyunnie." Seungwan gulps. Joohyun looks as angry as before but at least today, the older girl acknowledged her presence. "L-let me explain. Please?"

 

After what seemed to be forever to Seungwan, Joohyun heaved a sigh. "You have five minutes."

 

"N-now? I mean.. h-here?"

 

When Joohyun raised her eyebrow, Seungwan was quick to open , afraid that Joohyun might change her mind.

 

"I'm sorry, Hyunnie. But please, please, believe me, I don't know what or how that night happened."

 

"Why don't you start with how you lied to me then, just to meet her?"

 

"H-hyunnie.."

 

"Four minutes."

 

"I'm sorry." Seungwan replied quickly. "It's true that I lied to you and I'm sorry, Hyunnie. I was just.. I was just tempted by her offer. I figured that if I got that job again at their company, I- we, we can earn more."

 

"And that's a valid reason for you to break your promise and lie to me."

 

"Hyunnie, no.." Seungwan was crying now. She could see the hurt and resignation in Joohyun's eyes. "I'm sorry. I was wrong, I was wrong. And I admit that. But please, believe me that what you saw at the hotel room that night, I didn't know any of that. And I would never do that to you, Hyun. I'm sorry that I lied and I broke my promise. But I promise that-"

 

"Enough." Despite the quiver in Joohyun's voice, Seungwan still heard the finality in her tone. "And stop coming here already. I won't be here starting tomorrow."

 

Before Seungwan could ask why, Joohyun had already stormed off.

 

Because of Joohyun's words, Seungwan had the inkling that she should come to Joohyun's office early in the morning. She was glad that she listened to her guts though, for when she arrived there, the security told her that Joohyun had just left for the airport and that the older girl will be working at the US branch from now on.

 

Seungwan wasted no time and ran after Joohyun. She managed to get there on time, stopping Joohyun just as she was about to enter the immigration.

 

"Hyunnie."

 

"Don't call me that." Joohyun's tone was so cold it sent shivers down Seungwan's spine.

 

"Please. I'm sorry. Don't leave me, please." Seungwan was already crying and she couldn't care less at the people looking weirdly at her. 

 

"I've had enough."

 

"Hyunnie.. Joohyunnie, please, please. I'm sorry. I swear I don't know-"

 

"I don't care if you don't!" Joohyun was close to shouting if not for them being in public. "It happened because you lied to me! You didn't keep your promise and you lied to me."

 

"I know, I know. I should have listened better. I shouldn't have lied. But please, Hyunnie, believe me. That was first and I have never lied to you before that. And I promise, I promise not to do it again. Please, Hyunnie. I'm sorry."

 

Joohyun scoffs. "That hurt me more, don't you think? That the very first time you lied to me, was because of her."

 

"Hyunnie.. Hyunnie, please-"

 

"I said don't call me that anymore." 

 

"Joohyunnie, I'm sorry. I was wrong. I was wrong." Seungwan was crying hard, afraid that any time now, she'll lose Joohyun. "I just thought I could help-"

 

"By lying to me?" Joohyun grits her teeth. "You could've just trusted me when I told you that I could pull us off, that I can take care of us." Seungwan heard the pain in Joohyun's voice. "You did that when we were still young. You came with me when I left the orphanage because you believed that I can take care of you, of us. You said you trust me so you're not worried about anything."

 

Seungwan wanted to reach for Joohyun, to wipe the latter's tears. But Joohyun backed away, immediately brushing her own tears.

 

"Where did that Seungwannie go?"

 

"Hyunnie, it's still me, it's still me." Seungwan answered repeatedly, hoping to convince Joohyun. "I'm sorry if I made you feel that way, but it's really not. I trust you with my life, Hyunnie. I'm sorry." Seungwan sobbed harder. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

 

"Do you know what I feel right now?" Joohyun asked, her voice laced with pain and sadness. "I felt betrayed, Seungwan-ah. It felt as if you didn't trust me, you lied to me, then I saw you sleeping with someone else."

 

"No, no-"

 

"And you know why it hurts so much?" Joohyun smiled bitterly, her tears flowing continuously now. "Because you're the only one I have."

 

"Hyunnie.."

 

"I grew up without knowing who my parents were, or if I have any relatives left." Joohyun continued. "I had no family, Seungwan-ah. I have never loved anyone else. And you, you're the only one I ever had. For more than half of my life, I only had you. But the only person I ever loved betrayed me." Joohyun scoffs bitterly, wiping her tears. "How up is that, huh?"

 

"Hyunnie no, no. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Hyunnie." Seungwan sobbed. "I swear I won't do it again, please. Just give me another chance, please, please."

 

"I am still hurting too much, and I don't think I could give you that."

 

Seungwan panicked. She tried to grab Joohyun's arm but the latter backed away even more.

 

"No, no, no. Don't leave me please."

 

"I'm sorry." With one final word, Joohyun tore her eyes away from Seungwan and sped off towards the immigration.

 

"Hyunnie, please. Don't leave me, please!" Seungwan called out, but Joohyun never looked back. She dropped on her knees, as if her soul had just been taken away from her. "Hyunnie, don't leave me."

--
 

Seungwan had to close her eyes as she recalled one of her most painful memories. She took deep breaths before facing Dr. Hwang again. Somehow, she understood what the doctor was trying to point out.

 

"Your vocal coach was right. Your inability to sing again was not because of the vocal nodule, but because of trauma." Dr. Hwang answered Seungwan's unvoiced question. "The same thing that happened when you were six. You didn't lose your voice because of the accident. You lost it from the trauma of losing your parents."

 

"So, you're saying that the reason I can't sing again was-"

 

"Was because you lost that special someone in your life." Dr. Hwang continued for her. "Just like how you lost your parents back then."

 

"B-but.. I wasn't only able to sing when I was diagnosed with the nodule, which was three years after our break up. Before then, I could still sing just fine."

 

"Because it's already in you, Seungwan-ssi. And prior to your nodule, you have been singing for a long time." Dr. Hwang answered. "Even if your heart's not in it, your mind and body remembers how, that's why it didn't affect your singing then."

 

Seungwan nods, trying to understand the explanation.

 

"But when you had your vocal nodule, you were told to learn a new way of singing, you were supposed to relearn how to sing, something that your mind still doesn't know how to." Dr. Hwang continued. "That's why the right voice won't come out whenever you try to sing."

 

Seungwan understood. "Just like when my parents died."

 

"Yes, that's right." 

 

"What- what should I do then, Dr. Hwang?"

 

Dr. Hwang closes the folder of Seungwan's profile. "Well, I came up with two conclusions as to the reason for this trauma." 

 

Seungwan bobs her head, listening.

 

"First, like what we have been agreed upon, it's just the same trauma you had when you were young. You lost someone special, hence the trauma. But we can try to resolve it with therapy sessions and some light medications." Dr. Hwang then hesitated. "But, if it's the second cause, then I think the solution to the problem will depend on you, mostly."

 

Seungwan frowns. "What's the second cause you're thinking of then?"

 

"Well.. you said that the reason why you were able to talk again was because of this special someone whom you lost. Right?"

 

Ah. Seungwan finally understood. Joohyun eonnie was the one who helped me get over my disability when I was young. And now that I don't have her anymore, at least not like how it was before, then.. 

 

"Either she's the one who can help you again," Dr. Hwang continued what's on her mind. "Or if it would not be possible now, only you would be able to help yourself."

--

"Wannie!" 

 

Seungwan was sitting on the swing when Joohyun skipped to her excitedly. Just seeing a happy Joohyun was enough to make Seungwan smile as well.

 

"I have a surprise for you!"

 

Seungwan's eyes widened in excitement. She draws her palms out, waiting. 

 

Joohyun laughs and ruffles Seungwan's hair. She gets something from her pocket and places it on Seungwan's palm. "I begged Mother Superior to buy that for you."

 

Seungwan looked curiously at the device on her palm. 

 

"It's an mp3 player." Joohyun told her. "Your doctor said that it would help if you could listen to songs or different sounds."

 

Seungwan nods, still curious about how this mp3 works.

 

"Here." Joohyun helped her and placed one of the earpieces on Seungwan's ear. The other, she placed on her own. "I have this song that I like and I ask Mother Superior to download it here. Would you like to listen to it?"

 

Seungwan nods excitedly. 

 

Joohyun grinned and played the song for her. They listen to it and Seungwan finds herself bobbing her head along with the music.

 

At a young age, Seungwan still couldn't understand the meaning behind every song, but she felt happy whenever she listened to the music. 

 

A week into this continuous music listening session with Joohyun, Seungwan unconsciously hummed to the song.

 

Joohyun gasped, making Seungwan turn to the latter, her eyes questioning.

 

"Wannie! You just made a sound!"

 

That was when Seungwan realized that indeed, she had. 

 

"And not just a sound, you were in tune with the beat!" 

 

Feeling excited, Seungwan reached for the mp3 again and played a song. When the familiar part of the song came about, Seungwan hummed along once again. When she realized that she could do it again, she looked at Joohyun with a wide smile.

 

"Oh my gosh." Joohyun hugs her. "You're so great!" She ruffles Seungwan's hair once more. "I think you'll be a great singer one day, Seungwannie!"

 

Seungwan had never thought of what she wanted to become when she grows up, but hearing Joohyun say those words with excitement, Seungwan happily nods along.

--

Seungwan had a bitter smile at that memory. She thinks Dr. Hwang was right, that the reason why she can't sing again was because she lost that person who made talking and singing possible for her. 

 

Seungwan sighs. Still, she decided to try some therapies with Dr. Hwang to see if it would work out. After all, she just can't ask Joohyun to be the solution to her problem. She wronged the older girl and she was not Joohyun's responsibility anymore. 

 

Feeling lost with her thoughts, Seungwan finds herself in front of Joohyun's company building. The CEO let her leave the office early for her appointment with Dr. Hwang. Seungwan looked at her watch. It was past 6 in the evening and she was sure that Joohyun had already left. Still, she went inside.

 

Before she knew it, she was already standing outside the trainees' practice room. Seeing no one was inside, Seungwan went in. She scans the place until her eyes caught sight of the piano and the microphone stand. She didn't know what she was thinking but she walked towards it and grabbed the microphone. She cleared once, then twice. 

 

She recalled what her vocal coach taught her, and she tried. But all she could make out is a grated noise or if not, a tone-deaf and out of tune singing. She tried again, and again, and again. Still, she was met with the same result. It was on her fourth failed attempt that Seungwan dropped on her knees, hands forming into tight knuckles. 

 

"I think you'll be a great singer one day, Seungwannie."

 

It was the start of Seungwan's dream. Not only because Joohyun told her that, but also because she sincerely loves music. When she first realized that she couldn't sing anymore, Seungwan cried her eyes out. But her focus and priority then was on finding Joohyun that she set aside her grief. 

 

But now that she was faced with that truth once again, Seungwan wasn't able to control herself and let her tears fall. She gripped the microphone tight as she sobbed harder. 

 

Seungwan didn't know how much time passed, until she heard a sound of a dropped pen just outside the practice room. Worried that someone might enter and see her, she immediately wiped away her tears and after making sure that no one was outside, Seungwan left the building.

 

**

 

The rest of the week went by as usual and despite the ache in her heart whenever she thinks of her failed singing, Seungwan still has a reason to smile and be happy.

 

For almost a week now, Joohyun has been accepting all the breakfast she makes for the older girl. That thought alone excites Seungwan to the point that she would always wake up with a smile on her face as she thinks of preparing breakfast for Joohyun. 

 

Seungwan noticed too that Joohyun was less cold and irritated at her. In fact, the CEO will always have this soft and composed aura whenever she talks to her, even muttering a soft "thank you" when Seungwan does something for her. And for Seungwan, seeing Joohyun everyday in the office and knowing that the older girl is just there in the room across from her, it's already enough to make her happy. But of course, if she could take care of Joohyun in her own little ways, that would make her happier.

 

"Good morning, Joohyun sajangnim." Seungwan greets with her usual, radiant smile. "Here's your breakfast."

 

Joohyun acknowledged the paperbag Seungwan placed on her desk. "Thank you."

 

Seungwan hides a grin. "You're welcome, sajangnim."

 

"Oh, uhm, by the way. Are you free this weekend?"

 

Seungwan nods. "Yes, sajangnim. Is there something to be done?"

 

"Well, not really." Joohyun looked away. She opens her drawer and slides a piece of paper towards Seungwan. "Seulgi bought some tickets. She wants me to give one to you."

 

It was a ticket to the upcoming Seoul Festival. 

 

Seungwan's eyes lit up with excitement. 

 

"I guess you liked that, huh." 

 

Joohyun's comment made Seungwan realize that she was smiling widely as she looked at the ticket. She cleared in embarrassment. "Yes, sajangnim. Sorry, I got carried away."

 

Joohyun hums and proceeds back to her laptop.

 

"Uh.. will you be going too, sajangnim?"

 

Joohyun shrugs, not looking at Seungwan. "Yeah. I guess."

 

"Really??"

 

Seungwan clamped shut when Joohyun turned to her with a raised eyebrow. 

 

"You don't want me to?"

 

Seungwan shakes her head and waves her hands aggressively. "No, no, sajangnim. I- I like it. Really."

 

Joohyun nods. "Okay. Get going now then. I need your report by lunch."

 

"Yes, sajangnim!" Seungwan answers as she bows a bit excitedly. 

 

Weekend came, much to Seungwan's excitement. She arrived first at the venue and not long after, Joohyun arrived as well. Half an hour passed and Seulgi and Yerim, who were supposed to go with them, were still not in sight so Joohyun decided to call them.

 

"What? What are you talking about?" Seungwan heard Joohyun exclaim on the phone. "Yah, are you crazy? Why didn't either of you tell me?" There was a groan. "And you're only telling it to me now, now that we're already here at the venue? What am I supposed to do then, huh?"

 

"Ugh! You're gonna get it from me, Kang Seulgi." Joohyun huffs as she ends the phone call. 

 

"Uhm.." Seungwan cleared . "Where are they, sajangnim?" She asked, though from the conversation she heard, Seungwan could already make out what was going on. 

 

Joohyun clicked her tongue. "They won't be coming. Seulgi realized yesterday that two of the tickets have a different date. So, she and Yerim decided to take those tickets for tomorrow."

 

"Oh." That means, it will only be us two. And though Seungwan likes that idea, she knows that Joohyun probably doesn't. She cleared . "So, uhm, we don't have to stay together, sajangnim. I could stay some distance away from you if you like."

 

Joohyun raised her eyebrow.

 

Seungwan gulps. "I-it's just t-that.. it would be a waste if we will just go back home, r-right? So, uh, I promise you won't even notice my presence."

 

Joohyun frowns even more. "Are you saying that you'll leave me alone in this crowd?"

 

"O-oh. That." Seungwan remembered that Joohyun doesn't really like being alone, especially when she's in a place full of people. She scratched her nape awkwardly. "Do you want to go home then, sajangnim?"

 

Joohyun rolls her eyes. "You said it's a waste of tickets."

 

Seungwan internally frowns. Is she reading Joohyun right? "T-then.."

 

"Find a good spot." Joohyun cuts her off. She turned her head away. "Let's just go together this once."

 

Seungwan's eyes widened and not long after, she couldn't stop her lips from curving into a smile. She nods her head, albeit excitedly. "Okay, sajangnim!"

 

"Just Joohyun will do." Seungwan heard Joohyun mutter softly. The older girl was not looking her way so Seungwan wasn't sure if what she heard was just her imagination. 

 

With Seungwan's lack of response, Joohyun finally turned to face the latter. Her confusion was probably evident on her face, for Joohyun to sigh before continuing her words.

 

"We're not at the office and this is not a work-related event either, Seungwan. You can drop the formality. It's making me feel old."

 

Joohyun told her that she can drop off the formality. But more importantly, Joohyun called her by her name, Seungwan. It has been so long and God, Seungwan missed it so much. It may be a simple thing for some, but for Seungwan it was already enough to make her heart swell in joy. She felt as if the distance between her and Joohyun was slowly shortening. "C-can I call you, Joohyun eonnie then?" Seungwan gulps nervously. "It's just that, it may sound rude to just call you Joohyun, so.."

 

"Fine."

 

"R-really?"

 

"Yes. Now, can you please lead the way and find a good spot for us. The event is about to start."

 

Us. Seungwan felt good to hear it again coming from Joohyun. She smiled brightly. "Yes, Joohyun eonnie."

 

**

 

Seungwan had hoped, but never really thought that this time would come. After their messy break up and how she had hurt Joohyun, she never expected that the latter would still want to spend time with her like this. Granted that their atmosphere was kind of silent and awkward and that Seungwan is still testing the waters before initiating a conversation with the older girl, Seungwan was beyond glad that Joohyun was still willing to be on the same space as her, and it gave Seungwan hope that somehow, she could still fix everything. 

 

Another round of awkward silence ensued after the first set of performers gave their thanks and left the stage, now that they have nothing to watch yet while waiting for the next performers. Joohyun was taking slow sips with her drinks, with her head turning to every direction except to where Seungwan is, while the latter was fidgeting with her fingers, trying to find courage to approach the older girl.

 

"Uhm," Seungwan started with caution. "Eonnie?"

 

Joohyun turned to her. 

 

"Do you want more snacks? I- I can get some for you."

 

Joohyun shakes her head. "It's fine."

 

"Oh, alright." Seungwan bit her lip. Should she ask open-ended questions instead to engage Joohyun in talking? But then, she thought that she might overwhelm Joohyun.

 

Beside her, she heard Joohyun clear . 

 

"Seungwan."

 

Seungwan's head snapped towards Joohyun. She still couldn't believe that the latter is calling her by her name now.

 

"Yes, eonnie? Is there anything you want?"

 

Joohyun's eyes were on the empty stage. Afterwards, she heaved a sigh. "I hope you don't get this the wrong way."

 

Seungwan knows what Joohyun was trying to say. And just like that, her hope started to crumble.

 

"To be honest, this is still quite uncomfortable for me. But, I want to give it a try and be friends with you again." Joohyun continued, her brown orbs meeting Seungwan's. "But, don't misunderstand." Joohyun eyes the stage once more. "That's- that's all I can offer to you, and I want nothing more than that." Joohyun spared her a glance. "I hope you understand."

 

Now, Seungwan's hope crashed down. But she was quick to convince herself that being friends with Joohyun again is already good enough. It's better than nothing. At least that way, she could still be by Joohyun's side. It doesn't matter if Joohyun doesn't love her or doesn't want to love her anymore. Seungwan would still love her the same. 

 

Seungwan gives the best smile she could deliver. "I understand, eonnie. And uhm, thank you, for trying."

 

Joohyun bobs her head. 

 

"And eonnie," Seungwan tried her luck. "I'm really sorry for-"

 

"Let's-" Joohyun cut her off. "Let's talk about that some other time. I'm still not ready for that. Sorry."

 

Seungwan waves her hands in dismissal. "Don't be, eonnie. I understand."

 

Joohyun muttered a soft "thanks" before setting her eyes back to the stage once again.

 

Surprisingly, it was Joohyun who broke the silence once again. "So, uhm, how was the meeting with Dr. Hwang?"

 

"Hm, it went okay, I think." Seungwan rubs her nape. "We agreed to make appointments for some therapies."

 

Joohyun turned to her. "So she thinks that, uhm, your mental health has something to do with why you can't sing anymore?"

 

Seungwan smiled to herself. She knows how hard this must be for Joohyun but she could tell that the latter is really trying to be a friend, and it's enough for her. She nods. "She thinks it's from trauma."

 

Joohyun frowns. "Trauma? From?"

 

"Oh, uh.." Seungwan was not sure how to answer her. She couldn't tell Joohyun that it was from the trauma of losing her because one, if this is still the same Joohyun that she knows, Seungwan knew that the latter might feel guilty and she doesn't want that because Joohyun was never at fault. And two, stating the reason will bring up their past and Joohyun already mentioned that she is still not ready to talk about it. On the other hand, she doesn't want to lie. She promised herself not to lie to Joohyun ever again. "Uh.. Just from the past events." Seungwan was stating the truth but she kept it simple. 

 

"Oh." Joohyun bobs her head. "Well, I hope you can sing again someday." She gave a small smile. "I really do, Seungwan-ah."

 

Her words reminded Seungwan of how Joohyun told her nearly two decades ago that she could be a great singer in the future. It made Seungwan smile. "I'll do my best, eonnie."

 

Later that night after Seungwan went home, she felt grateful to Joohyun that she felt like she wanted to do something for the older girl. But what can she do? Buying Joohyun a gift is out on the list since she knows the older girl probably already has or buys anything she wants. 

 

Seungwan tries to think of what she's good at. She doesn't sing anymore but she knows how to compose songs. But composing a song might be too much to do for a friend, and it might overwhelm Joohyun since she already made it clear with Seungwan that she could only offer her friendship to the younger girl.

 

Then, aside from singing, one thing she's good at is cooking. But it won't be out of the ordinary anymore since she is always cooking breakfast for Joohyun anyway. Just then, she remembered something. She clicked her fingers. Why haven't I thought of that? She grinned widely. I'll cook her favorite maeuntang!

 

Since the wet market had already closed, Seungwan decided that she'll wake up extra early the next day to go to the market and cook the dish. For the meantime, she searched the internet for the needed ingredients and instructions. As she was reading the instructions, Seungwan thought that this might be harder than it seems because she doesn't eat seafoods and therefore, has no idea how to prepare it or what the dish should taste like. 

 

It then occurred to her that ever since she was little, she hasn't eaten any seafood. It was not like she disliked it, but no one would cook seafood before. During her time at the orphanage, or when she was living with Joohyun, they would cook different dishes aside from those. That was why she was surprised to know that Joohyun loves maeuntang, because not once did she see Joohyun eat it, or any dish with seafood on it, since knowing the older girl. 

 

Oh, but anyway, Seungwan shrugs her thoughts off. It seems that she really likes it, so I'll do my best to cook this for her. 

 

With a new found motivation, Seungwan stayed up late at night to learn how to cook maeuntang. It didn't make her sleepy at all, in fact it made her excited instead at the thought of doing something special for Joohyun. 

 

I really want to see the smile on her face when she tastes this. 

 

That was her last thought before her eyes took her to dreamland.