WARNING: Suicide and Self Harm.

The ten-minutes-walk after getting off the last bus was filled with silence. Normally, passing through the dark and narrow alley seemed less lonely with Wonwoo ‘secretly’ following her from afar. She couldn’t believe she called Wonwoo by other name, the name she wanted to forget, the name that had always been the taboo subject which connected directly to her past. As she reached the front door of the two-bedroom apartment, Bona carefully took out the keys to unlock the front door. When she carefully entered the tiny living room, she could see a smile greeted her warmly.

“I’m home.” She whispered, not to startle the old lady.

“You’re home?” The tremble in her voice showed how much she had age within the years. Bona’s grandmother was cleaning the bean sprouts guided by the flickering light that was barely lit up the room.

“Why didn’t you go to sleep?” Bona asked with concern as soon as she took a seat next to the old woman. She moved the bucket filled with cleaned sprouts away and took care of the left over.

“Don’t worry about chores. I just want you to study and finish high school.” she reminded her granddaughter. Her smile gradually tuned into a frown upon listening to her reply. She instantly reminded of the times when they were in Changwon just until five months ago.

“Do you miss your shop in Changwon?” she glanced at Grandma Kim to make sure that she didn’t offend her in any ways.

“Of course, I miss it. I’ve been in the village my whole life.” She answered truthfully. Guilt rushed into Bona’s blood. She knew she was the only reason they moved to Seoul.

“You can go back if you want to. I’m fine on my own. I promise.” Bona told her grandmother. Grandma Kim chuckled at Bona’s reply.

“I’ll go back after you finish school. I told you that I’ve been there all my life but you want me to go back now? Let me have my vacation.” She playfully pinched her granddaughter’s cheek. Bona flinched in response. Not because it hurt. Simply because it brought her back to reality.

“What about your shop?” the concern in her voice grew.

“Let your uncle take care of it.” she reassured her. The wrinkly hands felt warm on Bona’s cheeks.

“Did you take your medication today?” she asked.

“Of course, I did. I want to be healthy and bring you flowers.” The unexpected answer made Bona smile.

“You have to bring me the prettiest one.”

“The white flowers like the boy in the picture gives you? Do you like those?” she asked. Bona smiled bitterly. She nodded forcefully for the sake of ending the conversation.

“It’s already late. You should go to sleep. I will clear this up and study a bit.” She told her grandmother. After making sure Grandma Kim had gone to bed, she ran to the kitchen. Her legs were shaky from the sudden mention of Doyoung. That was twice today and one of them was from her own mistake.

“Are you happy now? You did that to him.” The voices filled her head again. Bona quickly grabbed her medicine from the top shelf near the sink and dunk down the pill into her system. As she tried to calm down, the sharp shiny blade in front of her caught her attention. Her shaky hand slowly reached for the knife.

“Let’s come back together next year. Just you and me.” Doyoung’s voice filled her head. The tears unknowingly drenched her face. Instinctively, she tightened her grip around the knife.

“Let’s end this, Kim Bona. You don’t want to live like this forever, do you?” she said to herself with trembling voice. Bona stared into her reflection on the surface of the cabinet, trying to convince herself as she put the knife to her neck. Bona shut her eyes tight and took in the deepest breath.

“Kim Bona, I’ll see after school.” The image of Wonwoo unexpectedly startled her back from the terrible thought.

“Wonwoo!” Bona opened her eyes wide and turn around. The grip on the knife became loose and it crashed to the floor. So did Bona. Her legs gave up. She fell to the ground as she gasped for air as if someone was just chasing her.

Jeon Wonwoo’s voice sounded so vivid in her head. Not that he ever said that to her. In fact, this morning was the first time he called her by her name. Bona almost thought he was right behind her. That was why she dropped the knife. She didn’t want to hurt him when he was so close to her. But why him, she couldn’t help wondering.

“Bona, why aren’t you sleeping?” her grandmother appeared from behind the walls.

“I… I’m going to.” She lied. Her lips still trembled in fear of what she might have done to herself just a few seconds earlier.

“Do you want some fruit? I can cut some for you.” The old woman approached her carefully. She saw the knife on the floor. She knew exactly what was going on with Bona. But she tried her best not to treat her as if she was mentally ill.

The quiver in Bona’s voice broke her heart. She helped the frail body back on her feet, changing her out of her uniform into a pyjama.

Contrary to the scene she witnessed in the kitchen, the sleeping girl seemed peaceful. It hurt seeing her granddaughter had to go through a traumatic experience in the past. Though she didn’t know too well what happened to Bona, she didn’t want to stick her nose into her business. She knew Bona needed time to heal. The memories of Bona appearing in front of her house, freezing in the snow made her teared up.

“Sleep well, my poor child.” The old woman whispered.