# 19

Magician
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The rain has tapered off. Hyukjae hears occasional drops. Off trees. Roofs. He sees them gather. Slide. Down the windows.

He wonders...

Can he pull them all together? Help them descend?

He could.

Wouldn't it cause a massive splash? On the ground?

That would be strange.

Someone might notice. That wouldn't be good. He's not home. He can't do magic like that. Even at home: it would be considered outside. Not indoors. So he can't.

Donghae seemed to not mind. The cover from the rain. On the contrary, in fact.

But there was no one around. Someone will hear it now. Hyukjae's promised to be careful. Responsible.

He gets tugged. Donghae's shoulder blocks his view. Hyukjae's inner debate ends. So easily. His heart quivers. His attention's back. To his beloved Donghae.

He's been holding onto Hyukjae. The whole time.

Hyukjae must've fallen asleep. Earlier on the couch. He'd woken up. Around twenty minutes ago. He was here. In bed. In Donghae's arms. The other was asleep, too.

He shifts carefully. To admire his face. The beautiful closed eyes. His fine nose. The most delicate features. Hyukjae gently moves his strands. Donghae's arms tighten. Hyukjae's hugged closer. Donghae snuggles into him.

Hyukjae suppresses them. His happy giggles. He brings his hand to Donghae's hair. Sofly caresses it. His eyes move to the window again.

He can see it once more. An opportunity: to try something simple. There's the urge to use. To feel able. Competent. In this, at least. 

But...

Keeping off rain. Levitating objects. Changing colours. Folding clothes. Replicating simple pieces. He's capable of doing all those. Easily. Without effort.

He should be honest. With himself.

What use is all that?

There's no real benefit. Purpose.

Hyukjae closes his eyes. Stops himself. From any further thought. He's not left with much currently. To help him keep those negative emotions at bay. So they only compel his mind. To seek the book. Find answers. Changes.

There is endless knowledge there. But the deeper Hyukjae looks...

The more he loses control. Of it. Of what he can do. Of everything around him. It's... terrifying. Because he feels: he also loses control of the book. Of the magic in it. Like it can escape through him.

If Hazel was here...

What would she think? Of his lack of mastery? Would she be disappointed? Would she see how... unfit he is?

He can't do anything yet. To right his wrongs. To help the people he should. He's struggling even with the nonmagic aspect.

What will end up happening to him?

Oh... he let the negativity in.

However, it has proved necessary. To some extent. It's forced him to think. Reflect. Gain awareness. Understand. He's starting to see: yes. He could eventually learn something important. A useful skill. He will be able to manage more. Of this world. This era. This society.

Yet... maybe too late. Life could've changed, by then. Things could be even more different. Around him. People... could change. Towards him.

No one and nothing will wait. For him. So he can catch up. So he can feel better. Accept it all. Get comfortable. Confident. So he can fix...

Hyukjae closes his eyes again. Turns his head. Exhales. It's been so difficult. Recently. Ignoring these thoughts. Feelings. Not letting himself be affected by the heavy pain they bring. Finding something else to occupy his mind.

He places a soft kiss in Donghae's hair.

Still. He needs to try. Even if right now: all he can do is fumble along. Hope to do some good. Hope to...

Keep the love. Of those he loves. Cares for.

He has nothing else.

 

------

 

He wakes from pecks. On his cheek. His nose. Soft kisses are pressed. On his forehead. His lips. It all feels lovely. Makes him float. Hyukjae smiles. Opens his eyes.

His heart swells. Fills up his chest. Hurts.

Donghae's been watching him. Waiting for him. To open his eyes. React. So Hyukjae pulls him. Wraps his arms around his waist. Hugs him. Squeezes him. From all the love.

His Donghae lets out a noise. A short yelp. A laugh.

It makes Hyukjae giggle. Donghae rolls over him. Squeezes him back. Attacks him once more. With pecks. Kisses. Hyukjae can't help it. He's laughing loudly. Joyfully. They roll around together.

They somehow get to the edge. Of the bed. He feels Donghae slip--

"Nooo!"

Hyukjae drags him. Flips him over. Cages him.

"You were gonna fall, Hae!"

Donghae's still smiling cutely. He cups Hyukjae's face. Brings him down. To meet his lips. Kisses him a few times.

"Hyukkie... I love you."

His chest bursts. Everything aches.

"Hae baby... I love you, too... sooo much..."

Donghae gives him more kisses.

"Are you feeling better, sweetheart?"

Hyukjae's chest pangs. His mind jumps back. Again. To their earlier conversation. To the previous night. He quickly smiles. Blinks at Donghae widely.

"Better? When was I feeling bad?"

"Hyukjae..." Donghae snuggles into his neck. "Don't, baby."

It feels terrible: making sweet Donghae worry. Cry over him. So Hyukjae giggles. To take away his concern. He feels Donghae's instant smile. Then he's gazing at Hyukjae fondly.

It gets him feeling so touched. Loved.

Shy.

"I'm okay now, Hae..." Hyukjae ha

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Author's Thoughts
sujul33
Wanted to add some Hyukjae POV.
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OdetteSwan 934 streak #1
Chapter 19: He's trying to find his purpose now that he isn't restrained.
Thank you so much for the update.
yanHae15 143 streak #2
Chapter 19: Oh! Hi! It's been a while! I miss them!
But Hyukkie is sad and struggling. I hope he doesn't see what they're doing for him as something negative. They do it with pur intentions and so, if there's any problem, it will be better to communicate. He shouldn't keep everything to himself 🥹🥹
fullofwish 1545 streak #3
Chapter 19: Hyukjae is struggling with so much. Seems like he feels bad whether he keeps it to himself or shares it, so it's understandable he's not sure what the best thing to do is. He and Donghae are really so considerate of each other, to a fault. Half of the issue is that they just want to please the other person at the possible expense of what they themselves want. Not sharing the things that are unpleasant. Hyuk now has more awareness and is worried that's what Donghae is always doing, but he is doing it too by not really sharing his true concerns. Worried Donghae will feel more responsible or burdened to find a solution for him.

Still think they can work through things best together, though. At least, Hyukjae seems more lost and afloat when he retreats into his lonely mind and the insidious draw of more powerful magic between the difficult memories and realizations. Even though Hyuk is better at self-regulating than he was when he would literally transform to protect himself whenever overwhelmed or threatened, he still needs trustworthy people to keep him grounded and remind him to tread safely, and Donghae has been that constant person he needed for a while. Maybe Hyukkie needs to express the things he needs that are different now, if that's the case. Like Donghae being more open with his own wants and needs instead of only prioritizing Hyukjae.
HelenDamnation #4
Chapter 19: Well from the sound of it, it may be the only parenting he got growing up was the time with Hazel. The rest of the time there's a whole lot of trauma he needs to recover from on top of his entire world basically having disappeared.

He's very helpful and considerate. He seems to be having trouble that realizing that is actually worth a lot. But he's at the age, isn't he, based on your notes, to be thinking that if he doesn't do something big then none of it counts. It would probably help if somebody explained to everyone in this story that constantly treating someone like they're fragile and about to break into a million pieces is going to be destructive to their mental health, even when you mean in the best way possible. :-)
ldh2013 #5
Chapter 19: Everytime Hyukjae felt threatened, he retreated into becoming a mannequin. It's no wonder that everyone, especially Donghae, has been trying really hard to make sure he feels safe. Being constantly worried over can be trying and Hyukjae appears to be feeling guilty about it. Adapting to the current world isn't that easy. Technically, Hyukjae doesn't have that much experience living (not being a manniquin). I think his only "work" experience was ever as a helper but the people around him now don't really "need" him to help them.
HelenDamnation #6
Chapter 18: So Hyukjae feels like he doesn't belong where he is, which is natural to have to process...but then in MM&YxMagician, he finds out there are DonghaexHyukjae couples everywhere he looks...so maybe that'll help? Help him feel he's where he's supposed to be?

Edit: I really, really like how you're showing some things many people experience that rarely get talked about in fiction, if ever. Like the sense of grief and loss when you get old enough to realize that you can't actually read all the books there are or learn all the things, much less do them fast enough. Or the fact that there's a lot to do with where you really can't fully imagine how it feels until you try it, which can create some shocks, both good and bad ones -- I've never seen that covered in conventional publishing (or at least only the ic surprises, never the reverse). I've been reading fanfiction for less than two years, but I'm constantly impressed at how fanfiction authors just go right ahead and cover what is missing from print media that really needs to be said and portrayed.
kiwicolada 1605 streak #7
Chapter 18: And here I'm sitting and thought that Hyukkie already coped amazingly with his past. I really thought he was fine living in the present, with Donghae and the Parks. That he's still suffering inside and feels lost in place is sad to read. Thinking about it, he lost so many time while he was surviving as mannequin during the centuries. And when we think twice there must be a century old between him and Hae. No wonder he feels out of time. But he did so well and everyone made sure to tell him this. But sometimes it's normal to feel this way, not belonging to this place and time when we think where Hyukjae's coming from.

I'm amazed that Hyukkie could feel Hae's biggest fear. That he could turn into a mannequin again. This shows how strong their bond is. Even the century old . A deep and strong love. As if they're destined to each other. Like it was his fate to sleep as mannequin until he could meet Donghae. Aside from all the horrible experiences Hyukkie did in the former century, I like the idea that Hyukkie and Hae were meant to be. But the deep sadness in Hyukkie is hard to handle for Donghae. The thing is Donghae can do what he wants, he can't heal Hyukjae from this sadness. Not alone. And deep inside there will always be a tiny piece of sadness that will reminds Hyukkie's that he's a surprise from another century.

It's been a while a chapter went so deep. Thank you for writing and sharing this ❤️
fullofwish 1545 streak #8
Chapter 18: So curious (worried) about what Teukie is worried about. Hope it is just because Hyuk sent him some possibly weird or sad texts before and not anything more.

The way Hyukkie's feeling is understandable. He's always so bright and energetic, but the more he grows and learns the more he comes to terms with reality. How could he not feel out of place? He's literally from the past, with magic no one else (that we know of) has, and has a lot of uncertainty still. It must feel so lonely and hard, no matter much Donghae and the Parks love and take care of him. It's no one's fault. It will just take time and patience for Hyukjae to figure things out and really find his place. To not be so harsh on himself for not being good at everything right away. As much as it breaks Donghae's heart to see him upset and struggling, it's a relief he's opening up about this.

♡
Kethryveris #9
Chapter 18: Hyuk, s'inquiète et se sent mal, j'espère que Hae va vite lui rendre sa joie de vivre. Merci 💙
kiwicolada 1605 streak #10
Chapter 17: Hyukkie is such a sweetheart. All concerned about the safety of Donghae's work. Even kisses have no priority in that moment. What a cute weatherman. And Donghae is all happy and forgot about that horrible night before. This is how their trip should be. I like this chapter a lot ❤️ Thank you for sharing and a belated happy new year ^^
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