It was a busy day at the radio station, we were having our annual concert event which highlighted new and upcoming artists. It was an event that many people looked forward to. My department had been hyping up the event for months now and were tasked with collecting content to post during and after the event. The previous years I did not have a lot of chances to see the event with my own eyes since I was working background stuff but this year I would be out there, in the trenches. I had messaged Jonghyun earlier in the morning to make sure he took care of himself during this busy time and to not bother waiting for each other to go home since he would be at the event longer than I would be, especially with closing the event since my department was not needed to help with that aspect. I had not heard anything from him – understandable since he was probably already slammed with a million things, especially things that had already gone wrong. I silently wished that things wouldn’t be too harsh on him today. 

This was the first time that I was actually outside and in the action for the event, my previous department handled mostly phone calls during this time period so we were stuck inside, I was excited to experience something I had missed so many times. The event was located at the park next door to the radio station, and as soon as I walked into it a sweet aroma of food lifted my spirits. We would often host local restaurants to open food stalls which was free for all those who were attending the concerts; luckily for me I was tasked with documenting the food available for the event – my coworkers were separated all throughout the event, some would be interviewing the artists planning, some would be recording the stages and others would be wandering around capturing moments of people enjoying themselves. It was an exciting time for this newly formed department and we were ready to prove ourselves. While I was thrilled to be able to taste test all the amazing food, what I was looking forward to the most was the annual firework show – I had seen it from my window many times but viewing it in person was sure to be such a delight. 

Crowds began to surface within the park and I got to work, making sure to get content with all the delicious things that were being offered to eat. The atmosphere was so light and airy, it almost felt like I was floating – maybe this is what I am meant to do. The smiling faces of the crowds enjoying the food, curious on what sounds would be played and children laughing made the world feel alive with joy – suddenly small vibrations came upon the surface of my feet followed by a booming voice, Jonghyun’s voice. My heart skipped a beat, the things he does to me is insane I sighed internally. He began introducing the event, and people began to move forward to the direction of his voice and my feet were screaming at being still. I wanted to see him. 

Throughout the day the genres of music drastically changed; there was something for everyone and all the musicians sounded so good. I had decided to take a break from work and sit down on one of the benches. Though my tasks were simple and not over complicated I was feeling tired from walking around and staring at my phone screen, my eyes needed a break. I closed my eyes and breathed in the air. I listened to the soothing jazz music that had erupted into the air and it reminded me of that small cafe Jonghyun had taken me to…I ached to be there once again, just the two of us and enjoying his company. Life had seemed to have taken a turn of turbulence and we had only been able to spend time together on our short train rides home; it was not enough time for my heart nor my soul. I wondered if he also felt the same since our conversations were only light and detached from any heartfelt emotions. Suddenly I felt the weight of another person fall onto the bench, I slowly opened my eyes and like he had read my mind – Jonghyun was smiling at me. 

“ Taking a break?”

“Mmm, yeah! I just needed to take a break from all the food.” 

He handed me a cold drink, “ I hope this helps.”

“Thanks Jjong,” I take the drink from him, “how’s everything on your end? Able to at least enjoy yourself a little?”

“It’s going well…I’m enjoying myself a lot more now I get to spend some time with you – I’ve been so busy lately that I haven’t even had time for myself…I’ve really appreciated our small train rides home. It makes the end of my day a lot easier.”

I smiled back at him, he eased my worries without knowing. “Are you seeing the fireworks tonight?” 

“ Only if you’ll see them with me! We used to see the firework show back home so often, it was like the biggest event of our lives – I want to see them with you.” 

“Oh of course, let’s see them together! I missed those evenings of running around trying to catch the falling fireworks, we would always say that they were like falling stars and we could make any wish in the world if we caught one.”

We both laughed at our childhood. 

“I nerve caught one but I guess my dream came true. I always wanted to wish that we would be friends forever.” 

Just friends. 

“I should be getting back to work, I’ll meet you…?”

“Meet me here, I’ll be here! I’m excited to see the fireworks for you.” 

We lingered on the bench, not saying a word but wanting something to happen…we smiled at each other and left the bench walking in opposite directions. I could not wait for the fireworks. I worked, trying not to stare at the time too harshly to allow time to pass by quickly; however, time seemed to have slowed down but the evening sky had begun to finally settle in, the fireworks would be in a few more hours. My energy perked up as the night sky grew darker…soon enough my phone dinged with a text message.

See you soon – J. 

I sat upon the same bench as before with my mind wandering on possibilities. I had no control in how my heart controlled my imagination; especially since my wish during my childhood was to gently kiss Jonghyun on the lips and call him my own. I smiled to myself thinking about those childish dreams, love seemed so much easier when I was younger – I thought love was holding hands under cotton candy skies and sharing candy stained kisses but it seemed that those were days that were unreachable. Love in your adulthood seemed to be complicated, why were we so easy to express ourselves with the dumbest things but never the hardest things…weren’t the hardest things the ones that mattered the most? Kids are able to express anything without fear – I wish it was the same with adults. I watched children run past me, giggling, mocking my inner thoughts. I looked up into the sky and the stars were twinkling back at me – cheering me on I suppose. I laughed to myself remembering that Jonghyun was an Aries, the star sign that always seemed so deeply unattached but there was always so much going on inside of their head – they are a complex creature that is for sure. My own nature was subjected to daydreaming, which was not good for this situation since my kiss tingled with our previous kiss; hoping they would be bursting with contact like a firework in the sky. It was the only thing I could imagine while watching the fireworks with him – childish thoughts indeed. I feel a poke at my side, I open my eyes slowly and see Jonghyun beaming at me – he was holding cotton candy. My heart skipped a beat – the young Jonghyun I once knew was standing in front of me, it felt like I had gone back in time. I blinked a few times and the much older version of him was still standing there but his childlike spirit still surrounded him. I grabbed the cotton candy.

“Ready to see the fireworks Jjong?”

“More than ready~ please never stop calling me Jjong, it’s so cute.” 

“Even at work?”

“Even at work.” he winked. 

We walked closely, munching on cotton candy and giggling. There was a fear in me arising, what if people say us reacting so closely?

“Is it okay…for us to be seen together like this? You know…from what happened before?”

“ You’re my childhood friend, I’ll let the whole world know that! I’m allowed to share cotton candy with my employees too, you know?” He broke off a piece of cotton candy and handed it to me, “ Don’t worry so much. We aren’t doing anything wrong.” 

I took the cotton candy as if it was a peace offering, “Okay I trust you,” I broke off a piece of my own cotton candy and handed it to him, “To being childhood friends.”

We slithered through the crowds and found a spot to watch the fireworks. There was a buzz of anticipation and my hands felt sweaty. I had noticed that Jonghyun’s hands had found their way into his pockets, guarded from any kind of contact and my heart dropped ever so slightly. This is why we never have expectations. I tried to deter my mind from going awol and focused on the excitement of others in the crowd and that I was finally able to spend some time with Jonghyun outside of our train rides home.  I stuffed my own hands in my pockets – they felt empty. The crowd began to grow and soon enough we were pushed into each other's bodies, the heat and tension radiating from this close contact; we just smiled at each other. 

“They should be starting soon,” he said meekly. 

I nodded, unsure what to say since I was still fighting between my feelings. A sudden burst of colour made the crowd explode with joy – they whizzed around the sky like vibrant dancing stars. Each time they fell, children around me would hold their hands out wishing to catch them as they fell…a pang in my chest began; the magic of the world was still vibrant in their hearts. The splatter of colour in the sky reminded me of art work, the sky was painted with such beauty – purple, pinks, golds and blues – I turned to Jonghyun and briefly watched the fireworks reflected in his eyes and wondered where he was in that moment. He turned to look at me, we locked eyes for a moment – my heart raced, however, the whizz of a firework dragged back his attention. As the last firework fizzled in existence the crowd began to clap, applauding the spectacle that would forget – I knew I would not since there was a heavy weight on my chest. I should have not daydreamed about an explosive kiss happening between Jonghyun and I. To being childhood friends. 

“Thanks for watching them with my Jonghyun,” I smiled, “I think I’ll be heading home now.”

“ Oh..yeah, yeah...I have to work a little longer anyways. I’ll see you later?” 

“Mmm yeah. Enjoy your evening, ok?” 

He lingered. I lingered. The moment in time lingered too; it passed us quickly and we parted ways once again. I wondered on my way home if I had shown my emotions too easily. Sometimes it is hard to hide your hurts, especially when the damage was caused by your own selfish imagination. I felt bad for not being able to hide those emotions – I knew he would’ve taken it personally – yet I couldn’t apologize for my cold nature, things would be awkward if he had not noticed, I was in a limbo of emotions. When I arrived at my apartment my body felt lighter now that I was alone; tears rushed out of my eyes as soon as I closed the door behind me, tears that I did not expect to flow so easily. Why did it feel like my heart was breaking when nothing had broken it? I fell into my bed and slept in my work clothes, exhausted from the day. 

The next day I awoke and I remembered that I had two days off work; a sense of relief entered my body. I wanted to rebalance my emotions. I mooched around my apartment since I was in no mood to enter the outside world, my phone dinged a few times during the day – they were from Jonghyun – he wanted to see me, to hang out, to talk to me, however, I messaged him back after the third message that I was busy and had already made plans on my day off. I flung my phone on the couch and some music and began to clean my apartment – maybe that would get my head into order. The day swiftly passed me by and I had not noticed that my stomach was growling. I looked at the time and it was way past my normal dinner hour…no wonder my stomach was angry at me. I felt too lazy to make something at home so I decided to grab my wallet and head to the convenience store; I just wanted something quick and easy. The air felt cool on my skin, causing small goosebumps to rise – the streets were empty apart from a few lonely souls. I assumed everyone had now returned to work and had begun to enjoy their evenings with their families – whatever that consisted of. I wondered if there was anyone else feeling the chill of loneliness this evening, someone else had to, the world was too small for me to be the only one feeling this way – but why did this not comfort me but rather make me feel more lonely? The convenience store’s familiar glow welcomed me. I grabbed some food and left. I felt like eating in the park for some reason perhaps because I was stuck in doors all day. I wandered through the neighborhood near the convenience store, one that I had never been through before but knew there was a park nearby; soon enough I wandered into the park – it was as if the universe had guided me there. I found a bench under a tree and began to eat. The atmosphere in this park was relaxing and I had begun to feel relieved of my own emotions. 

“Fancy meeting you here.” a familiar voice entered my atmosphere, Jonghyun.

He sat on the bench next to me.

 “Are you stalking me?” 

“ I should be asking that question, you are in my neighborhood.” He smirked, “ what are you doing here anyways?”

“I was hungry and wanted to eat somewhere relaxing…so I just wandered here.”

“Wanted to relax from your busy day full of plans huh?” I emotionally winced, did he know I was lying? “Or were you hiding away from me.” 

A rush of blush fell upon me, how did he know?

“ I knew it.” he chuckled, “ now what could’ve I done for you to do this huh?”

“I don’t want to talk about it…how did you know?”

“ When you said goodbye the other day…you didn’t use my nickname and you always did that when you were annoyed with me. I knew something was up but I didn’t want to push you.” 

“After all this time you are the person who knows me the best.” I smiled at him. 

“ Always.”

We exited the park together and headed towards my apartment, the silence between us had a hint of tension – something was brewing underneath. The evening sky had become dark enough for the stars to make an appearance alongside a small slither of the moon, cutting its way through the sky. Comforting. 

“I’m sorry if I was cold towards you the other day…the reasons why are embarrassing so I would rather not say but I am sorry.”

“ It’s okay, we all have reasons for the way we act sometimes – as long as you always apologize.” he squeezed my hand and didn’t let go. My heart warmed ever so slightly. As we approached my apartment I felt a sudden sadness. I didn’t want him to leave me; I wanted to hold hands forever. We stood outside my door, our hearts trying to reach out to each other.

“Thanks for walking me home, Jjongie.”

“Now I know you’re sorry,” he chuckled, “ you only ever called me that when you felt guilty about being mean.” he gently pushed my shoulder.

“Stop knowing me so well, let me surprise you once in a while!” I beamed back at him.

“ I know…things are complicated between us. But I do want you in my life, okay?” 

“Ditto.”

He wrapped me in a warm embrace and left; I watched him walk away and my heart screamed to follow him but he was right things are complicated. I flopped onto the couch, did things need to be this complicated though? Wasn’t it obvious on both of our feelings but we had so much history and a complex one at that. Childhood friends who lost contact with each other and then somehow managed to be working in the same company but didn’t realize that they were, a cold boss and an annoyed employee who drunkenly kissed one evening…only to find out that they had known each other the whole time. I wanted to scream. At first I thought these rushing feelings towards Jonghyun was because of our past connection, because he was a familiar figure but as time had progressed there was something more than that. Even before I had known that he was that bass playing boy from the past, those moments after I was fired and we accidentally would meet – they felt almost like fate. I was always so comfortable in his presence in those moments – had I really begun to fall for him before I had even noticed? We were making things complicated by avoiding our emotions. I sighed and reached for my phone but a strange sensation fell upon my fingertips – paper? I took an envelope out of my pocket. What is this? 

The envelope stated that: this was something I meant to give you…when you first left blue night. I am sorry it took me so long to give this to you. I had a sudden flashback to that day when Jonghyun had randomly showed up to my apartment and claimed he was coming to give me my last cheque but then remembered it was wrong. My heart began to quicken and I tore open the envelope and a letter fell upon my lap. 

I am not sure where to start so I will just begin to write. Sometimes I look back on my behaviours as a person and I realize that I have acted like a complete fool, I am not sure why I decided to be this way; in fact I do but perhaps in the future I will reveal that to you because if I write it down on paper you will crumble the paper up and say that I am a complete and utter fool; you will see me as a child. There is something about you, a kindness to you and honestly I was afraid to get close to you – haven’t we all been hurt before? I was scared of being hurt. It was my fault for why you got fired, I shouldn’t have followed you to that bar…I just wanted to talk to you one on one but I wasn’t sure how to approach you which is silly since we are in the same company. I didn’t want to come off as weird…why would you want to speak to your boss who treats you so poorly? I am not even sure what I am writing at this moment, I am just sorry for a lot of things and that I wish that I would have been able to get to know you better. I’m sad to not see you in the office these days…please don’t feel resentment towards me and if we see each other on the street one day I hope you’ll smile and wave at me. 

- Jonghyun.

I stared at the letter in my hands, what a fool indeed; I picked up my keys and headed out the door. I wasn’t even sure if I knew where he lived but I headed in the direction of that park in his neighborhood and called him. 

“Hello” he answered in a somewhat sleepy voice.

“Hey, where do you live?”

“ Why..what’s wrong?”

“I need to see you.”

“Ah…you read…my letter? Let me text you the details.” 

He messaged me his address and I hung up, I wasn’t even sure what I was going to blurt out to him so I wanted to save it until he was in front of me…words were forming at the tip of my tongue – they wanted to escape and I was afraid they’d escape artificially. There was thunder in my heart and I found my feet running towards my destination. Soon enough I was standing in front of his door with a hesitant hand to knock on his door, was I making the right choice here? Forget it all, all my worries – I was here and I needed to do this so I knocked on the door. I was greeted by Jonghyun, looking soft and vulnerable. 

“Jjong…”

“ Hi, come in.”

I entered his home, his living room was dark – the walls painted black with a roaring fireplace going; a gramophone accompanied it alongside a wall of records and a giant movie screen on the other wall. My curiosity peaked,  I wandered into the living room and noticed the string of scented candles on top of the fireplace. The room smelt incredible and relaxing but yet my nerves began to quicken as I remembered why I was here. 

“I’m sorry for coming so late but I just…I just needed to see you,” I sat on the sofa while he sat on the chair opposite to me, “your letter…”

“ I know, it was stupid and doesn’t really have any relevance to us now – but I wanted you to have it. I should have just given it to you straight away, I am not even sure if it made any sense.” 

“It felt like a ramble to me…but something struck me, you wrote how you wished if I saw you on the street that I would smile and wave at you – but I don’t want that.” 

His face fell.

“ I see.”

“Jonghyun! I want more than that. It made me sad to think of only ever seeing you once in a while, randomly on a street – I want to be with you. I have these feelings for you – before I ever knew of our past…I can’t ignore them anymore.” 

He stood up and my heart began to race as he approached me, “You mean this? You’re telling the truth?”

“Would I lie to you?” 

“ No..no you wouldn’t.”

Without a moment's notice his lips were pressed upon me, our bodies began to be entwined with one another – we melted into the couch from years of hidden emotions. We parted to take a breath and bursted out laughing; he collapsed on my lap and I began to his hair.

“We were making things complicated, Jonghyun…hiding our feelings.” 

“ I wasn’t sure if I should reveal mine…there were so many times where I wanted to just be with you, to confess…but I was scared but you are right…we were making it complicated and worse.” 

We both smiled at each other. Things felt calmer knowing that we both felt the same way and I knew that I made the right choice confessing my emotions to Jonghyun that night. We had a long way to go but this was the start of something truly wonderful – I had finally let go of the past and felt like anything could happen. The bass playing boy of that summer had returned back to me.