le passage du temps est étrange

In Jonghyun’s Eyes (POV)

The weather mocked the emotions upon my return back to the place I used to call home — grief beyond belief. I wasn’t sure why I even decided to visit, no that is a lie…that phone call on my radio show — was it her? Was she telling me that she was there? It had been so long since I was on terrain but I had to take a small chance, a chance on the thought that she called me in her shy nature to talk to me after all these years or I am truly a fool. The scenery of this town had not changed even after all these years, the buildings looked the same but with a hint of aging. Where would she be anyways? I was truly out of my mind.

Suddenly I saw someone familiar…my heart skipped a beat but ist wasn't her but rather my former employee — what were they doing here and why were they alone? I enjoyed their company and my heart ached for them, they reminded me of her a little so maybe that’s why I was always so cold and distant with them, a painful reminder. I slowed down and rolled my windows down. Oddly enough they saw me and stood up without saying a word, they just entered my car; I wondered what was on their mind but I figured they were happy to see a familiar face even if was their cranky former boss. An urge to embrace them waved over me, I had such tender emotions. I knew though that often those embraces are not welcomed when you’re sad so I waited for the tension to release from their shoulders — sometimes food helped in these situations. 

We wandered through the convenience store, the laughter of running through the run seemed to have eased those tense shoulders of theirs. Our conversation began light — I soon learned that we had went to same school, I wondered if they knew her or where to even start looking for the hidden person of my past but I decided against it. I wasn’t prepared for more disappointment, this felt like my last attempt at finding her. I pushed the thoughts of her down and focused on the person in front me who clearly needed a friend at this moment. The rain had not settled so we sat in the store for a while longer, carrying our conversation further.  I could see that they were beginning to warm up to me, I felt terrible. I had let my own emotions of remorse take control and it made me treat someone so cruelly. I soon learned that their parents did not take the news of them getting fired very well — that the reason why they were sitting in that bus stop was to escape for a while, to collect their thoughts. My guilt crept upon me and my stomach was in knots. I fumble my way through an explanation of why I treated them so wrongly and I felt idiotic; saying it out loud made no sense at all and was truly childish. I was taken by surprise by how casually they accepted my reasoning. They asked me questions, asked if I missed this person and even talked about someone who they missed too. It felt good to talk to someone about this, relief came over my body. 

I was unsure of my own emotions building up inside of my chest, I wanted to embrace this person in front of me —- tenderly. Could I really be so intimate with another when I was clinging to the past? Though the rain had not stopped we decided to risk it, so we rushed back to the car. I felt giddy for some reason, like anything could happen. Our time had come to a close though, they said they needed to face their consequences so I drove them back to their parents home. The route I was being led in was eerily familiar, I had taken this road many times to her…I almost felt sick from being reminded about the past. We approached a house and my breathing became wheezy —- this was her house or it used to be. I had to shake my way back into my present. 

“I’ll walk you to the door.” Could they see my odd expressions? 

The crackle of the gravel under my feet placed me further into a state of déjà-vu and did not prepare myself for the events that were about to unfold. The front door swung open and there was the woman who practically was my second mother while I lived here, here was her mother standing in front of me, before I could react I was dragged into the house. People who I had not seen in what felt like a lifetime surrounded me. All I wanted to do was reach towards them – confusion did not escape their face. After all this time it was them? I was right the first time I saw them at the radio station interview…for so many years we could have reconnected. Was I that scared of rejection, to face the truth? 

A dilemma of my own emotions arose, I had begun to develop these feelings for this employee before I had even learnt that they were her…even before we kissed. I was close to confessing, perhaps that is why I followed them that night. I had hoped to speak with them in a setting outside of work but that went out the window when that creep began to harass them. The timing was all off – the kiss, the firing, my own inner turmoil in the past…but now that I've finally found her, maybe things could start to align? Though the whirlwind had ended I wondered if they would assume that I was in love with them because of who they used to be rather than who they are now? I wanted answers but this was no place to air out our past – I also needed to process this all.

“I really should be going, it was truly lovely seeing you all again – it feels like I’ve been reunited with my family again.” I spoke with a smile and then I finally made my way to her – my hands began to sweat, her stare made me feel nervous. As I passed her she followed close behind, a habit I guess they had not been able to break; I had to stop myself from chuckling at this automatic behaviour, it was cute. My mind and heart raced when I asked them if we could meet again…sooner rather than later, I felt like that lost school boy; my heart leaped with joy at the words ‘tomorrow?’ that escaped her lips.

—

Tomorrow finally came around, my nerves had begun to set in my stomach; today I would have to face the past, Jonghyun and I were to meet later today. My family was still gushing over him which kept a pleasant distraction from poking at my misfortunes. They seemed to be delighted that he walked through their door – they talked about all the times we spent together and even asked why we hardly kept in contact when he moved away…I swallowed my breakfast with a side dish of guilt. My mind was in overdrive and I wanted to be out of this environment. I kept asking myself while I was getting ready for the day, ‘is this why I kissed him that day?’ The time in reality seemed to pass painfully slowly while my mind was speeding ahead of timelines, jumping the gun and making up conversations and situations for the meeting with Jonghyun. I had so many questions for him; soon enough a knock at the door indicated that he had arrived. My family rushed me to the door, they stood aside and gingerly watched us leave the house. 

“Hello my old friend.” he greeted me. 

I smiled back at him and entered his car, there was a tension between us but that was to be assumed. We thought we were two people…two strangers with no connected past but yet here we were under each other's noses the entire time. We were unsure of what to say to each other – the guilt of not opening that letter many years ago deepened my silence. I was unsure on how to approach the conversation, however, he had turned the radio on creating a comfortable environment for words to not be spoken. I was still stunned by the news and feeling idiotic, how could you not recognize someone who was so dear to you? 

We drove through the countryside, passing field after field and the silence grew even stronger. Soon Jonghyun parked his car near a lake, one that we would trek to swim in during the hottest summer days to feel a sense of relief…the place where we were meant to meet that day he left. We smiled awkwardly at each other and got out of the car. We admired the scenery and allowed ourselves to be taken back in time…to release our guards and be vulnerable. 

“I guess after all these years we finally managed to meet back at our most beloved spot…I am truly overwhelmed with all of this and I assume you are as well. Shall I break the ice that has formed over us from many years apart?”

I nodded. I felt too somber to speak. 

“After all these years it was you, I have so many questions…I am not even sure where to begin,” he chuckled softly, “it’s good to see you…I mean I have seen you many times but you know what I mean.”

“After all these years you remembered this spot…truly you are that bass playing boy who stole my summer's heart. We spent so many days avoiding reality here, we even skipped school sometimes to come here – I wonder if our parents ever knew that…I treasure this place and our memories so dearly.”

“I am happy to hear that…for me as well, they were always so cherished. I’ll be honest, for all these years I had thought you hated me – when I moved away I never heard from you but I held this determination that I would find you one day and—” he stopped himself from continuing his thoughts. 

“I’m sorry I never wrote to you,” I pulled out his letter, “I never opened this letter until yesterday and I am really conflicted with myself. I will be honest, my younger self hated you when you left and it felt like my life crashed down right in front me. Being young is being dumb and self absorbed…I never wondered how you felt about all of this. I regret how I acted.”

He did not speak for a while but then brought me into a soft embrace, my body felt at ease and the familiarity of the hug cemented my past into the present. For so long the memory of him was something I had wished to erase but here we were years later once again comforting each other. 

“I was foolish to hide my move from you, I can’t believe it. I was right all this time – it was you. I kept asking myself `where are you, my city cockroach?’” he laughed, “We were so busy scurrying around each other that we forgot to see each other…we had a deal that we would find each other.”

“I guess it was my fault partly since I changed my name to sound more professional…it is a competitive world out there, you have to do what you can to get noticed.”

Our laughter exploded within seconds and I felt warm like the sun.

“I wonder what our younger selves would think of us today?”

“I think they would be disappointed that it took us this long to figure out that we knew each other.” 

“I think you’re right, and that I fired you for kissing me…younger Jonghyun dreamed of that day.” 

Me too, I thought to myself. 

We spent our time dipping our toes into the water and the past; catching up on lost time. It was surprising to hear that we had both attended the same university, I had taken business while he had taken music; meaning it was easy and natural to have never seen each other. We had been passing each other on so many occasions. It was almost as if the universe had been keeping us close together, waiting for the right moment for us to find each other. My skin felt warm from the sunshine but also I felt this strange sense of comfort with Jonghyun. 

“I am happy that I found you.” I said.

“Me too — you know I have to ask you this but…did you call my show on Friday? Were you the one who spoke about returning to their hometown?” 

“Yes…yes that was me.” I twiddled my thumbs out of nervousness.

“Well thank you — you encouraged me to come here so you’re the reason why we found each other; I also recognized your voice as in…my childhood friends voice and I thought I was being stupid but I thought I had to take a chance to find you.” 

The sun had begun to set, so we decided to leave. Jonghyun drove me back to my families home, we sat in the driveway staring at the house. 

“I’ll see you soon okay? You’re sure you don’t want me to drive you back to the city?” 

“I’m sure, thank you though.” 

That strange tension entered the car once again, we both had something more that we wanted to say but how to say such things? “I guess I’ll be going, thanks again Jonghyun— I’ll see you soon.” I exited the car and watched him drive away. I began to pack for my trip back to the city, my parents began asking questions on my next move and I wanted to scream. Let me process this all, just leave me be. I lied through my teeth though since it was easier, I told them that I was going to start preparations to move back home and this seemed to please them — soon they left me alone. I snuck old photos and letters of Jonghyun and I into my suitcase — I am never coming back here. 

I boarded the train, feeling free of the past. My thoughts wandered to my next steps in life and truthfully I had no clue on what I was going to do, the thought of returning to that small town made my stomach sick; I wouldn’t do it. It would feel like failure, I would feel as small as an ant. I couldn’t survive in the city with this current job…the economic situation of the world made it so difficult to find work so I guess I was lucky to have even found some work. My head began to spin and this new found information about Jonghyun made everything complicated. So much time had passed since we were those two kids pretending that the world was theirs — with this passage of time it was unclear if we would even get along. I guess time would only tell.

—

In Jonghyun’s Eyes (POV)

It was the evening of tomorrow, I had just dropped her off at her parents house after we had spent the afternoon catching up. I drove away but I found myself consumed in thought, I pulled over and gathered myself – these thoughts aren’t healthy while driving. I swallowed them down with water and continued back to the city, back to familiarity but I couldn’t stop thinking about her – the city lights were often a pleasant welcoming glow but it felt overwhelmingly insignificant that night – everything did honestly. 

I sat in my apartment in silence while I rooted through old photographs, happy childhood memories flooded back to me. I thought of the letter that I had written many years ago, the one when I left…how foolish was that? I should have spoken to her in person, I shouldn’t have easily ran away, maybe if I had done that things would have ended up differently. Maybe we would’ve been friends today than two adults struggling to find the truth between our connection. There was a photo of us smiling brightly under the summer's pink sky and something came over me, a wave of sadness? No, that was too easy to describe this feeling, perhaps I would never find the words for this feeling. I wondered if we could become friends today despite growing so far apart – I had even begun to fall for her without even knowing who she really was. 

I slumped into my bed, it was late but sleep would not come easy tonight – photographs littered my floors, reminders of everything I tried to leave behind…could I let her easily slip through my fingers again? My mind was calculating the possibilities – this felt like a game; one wrong move and everything would collapse in front of me. As I stared into the celinings void, I pondered if this idea of mine would truly work. Only time would tell.