souvenirs d'enfance.

Exhaling into the crisp morning - letting go of the tension within my body, it ached from last night. I could never sleep comfortably after a night of drinking - it left me sore, even my head was sore. I nursed the pain away with a soothing tea and I felt some peace.My balcony served well on these slow days and the fresh air pricked at my fickle skin causing goosebumps to invade my body. The soreness in my head reminded me of last night once again - I drank so much but the evening seemed to have been peaceful from what my brain is allowing me to remember. Surly no cause for concern, I trusted myself enough to not get into trouble. I leaned on my balcony railing, staring at the wandering souls below me. I wonder if they were missing something too. Aren't we all? Suddenly my eyes played an awful trick on me - JongHyun certainly was not waving at me from the street; what a cruel trick. 

My phone beeped, it was a work email - a prophecy moment perhaps just then? Think of the being it he shall show himself. I rolled my eyes and turned off my phone, not today Mr.Aries. I thought to myself, ‘ One day I will tell you how I really feel about you and maybe you’ll change. Maybe one day, JongHyun.’ 

-

It was Friday evening - somehow I had avoided JongHyun the entire week. To be honest most people hadn’t seen him that week - something must have come up but rumors spread; I stayed away from the gossip. While I disliked this man, JongHyun was human and shouldn’t be subjected to such things. Gossip made life complicated. Due to Jonghyun’s absence more work fell into my lap causing me to be left here in the office while everyone rushed home, co-workers scattering home like cockroaches to their families, their friends, important things - and blue night radio. I felt a little alone and small at that moment, life could be lonely in these moments and perhaps I began to understand why Blue Night Radio aired on Friday. Fridays were a blue day. Why did JongHyun find Friday such a blue day - someone like that couldn’t feel loneliness like this. 

These thoughts of JongHyun made me shudder, why was he on my mind today? I should at least try to be productive tonight, I thought to myself while I wandered down the hallway passing Jonghyun’s office. His office door was open slightly which allowed a soft trickle of music to escape. Upon coming closer to his office door I realized that the music was him singing – people had claimed to have heard his voice but these claims were almost like ghost stories but yet here I was witnessing the spirit of music. 

I am not sure what made me move closer towards the humming melody escaping that dark cold room but it made me feel warm - it felt familiar; something I hadn’t felt in a long time. I stood near his office door, perhaps a little too closely, and became entranced by the song he was singing. How could I know the words when I had never heard this song before but here I was mouthing the words. This song…it was bringing back those simple memories from high school. What a time that was and one that hadn’t surfaced in so long… it was a summer day, the sun was beating on my skin causing a warmth that felt natural. I felt like I was glowing. School had just ended for the year - it was summer but tears were falling like the rainy season, goodbyes were hard. Some of my classmates were not to return after the summer, better and bigger opportunities had found them. I laid on the grass, tired of watching the friendships and the feeling of being alone. I am not sure how long my eyes were closed but suddenly an overcast shadow blocked my sun rays. Upon opening my eyes there was a boy with a bass guitar strapped to his back staring down at me. He smiled, happy to see that I was awake. He looked familiar but I had made no close connections during my school days, the boy spoke…

“Why are you crying?” A stern voice pulls me out of my summer dreams. 

I felt my face and this statement was true, I was crying. 

“I’m sorry - I’ll leave.” I already knew who had caught me, that stern voice was like a dagger. Jonghyun. 

“You didn’t answer my question.” He remarked back. 

“I have no answer for you.”

“ Is this because of what happened last week?” I saw an almost softness come across his face - a reminder of that sweet bass playing boy. I wish I could’ve remained in that memory…

“I’m not sure what you’re talking about, I’m sorry. Was there something that I did wrong last week?” I felt perplexed, he was usually so honest with his feelings. Why was he so coy now?

“ You don’t remember…” his voice trailed off, “never mind, go home. I don’t have time for those who eavesdrop.” 

JongHyun ended the conversation by locking his office door. Keeping me and everyone outside of the truth. 

I composed myself and made my way back home but yet why was I feeling so odd? Something was clicking inside of me - what did JongHyun truly mean by ‘ is this because of what happened last week.’ 

I found myself plugging in my headphones while on the train and diving into last weeks Blue Night Radio - for clues. Halfway through listening to the honey voiced JongHyun something sparked my interest.. 

“I saw this video that my friends took of me while I was drunk and I kept responding to their questions of ‘who are you?’ He began to laugh. ‘ I kept repeating my name is JongHyun! My name is JongHyun! But they wanted my childhood nickname which is-‘ I skipped forward, searching for any clue, ‘ this video reminded me of something that happened and perhaps the reason why I was so late for today’s recording. My friends always take care of me while drinking and I have this nature of doing the same. Tonight I saw a friend trying to get home while drunk and I had to assist them home! I couldn’t leave them alone. No one should be alone in that state.” I pull out my headphones.

Did JongHyun bring me home that night?

My clouded memory began to fade a little and my face began to redden. JongHyun did walk me home and more so he also tried to help me get away from a creep and yet I cussed him out. My memory felt clogged still but I pushed that away; I had all the information that I needed. This is something I hated to admit…I had to apologize to JongHyun, for my attitude. 

-

It was the middle of the week and I had yet to apologize to Jonghyun, he hadn’t been in the office for a couple days. Normally I would be thankful of this but this time I hoped I would bump into him soon. Was the universe playing games with me? Whenever I wanted to avoid him he was always around but now - he had disappeared. 

I had given up hope entirely to see him meaning this apology for him was stuck in my throat. I was walking down the hall with no importance other than to waste time and wander. Though I had worked here for a few years now there were some areas that I had never explored before - this was normal for most employees. There was a recklessness residing in my bones and knowing Jonghyun had been MIA made me want to explore the strange lands of my work place and plus I had finished my work for the day so what else was I meant to do? Corridors led into more corridors with odd offices here and there in which I saw people who I had only ever seen exiting the building when the clock struck ‘time to go home.’ I found it all interesting – how much of a bore was I for finding this an adventure? Somehow I had found my way to the recording studio of Blue Night Moon and there he was. Jonghyun.  

He had not noticed me for he was too busy immersed into what seemed to be the bass. I didn’t know he played the bass guitar, well I guess for someone who is so in-tune with music I guess it would be natural that he could play an instrument - or two. I am not sure what made me do it but I found myself interrupting him, something I had always been afraid to do. He looked up at me and continued to play his bass guitar. 

I was exhausted from the emotional cough that had been sitting in my throat so I decided to speak over his music - he could listen if he wished, I simply needed to exhale out my feelings.

“I have been looking for you Jonghyun. I wanted to speak to you about my recent behavior,” the sound of the music began to change, “you see I am embarrassed. I guess I was so drunk that night and I did not remember that you stood up for me and walked me home. I wouldn’t have treated you so coldly that day in the hallway; nor should I have been eavesdropping outside of your apartment,” the music softened, “so I apologize to you, though we have our differences I appreciate the act of kindness you showed me that night.”

The music stopped and he turned towards me.

“ All you remember is the creepy guy and the walk home?” he quizzed.

“I remember that now.” I nod.

“ I see.” he hummed.