Les choses touchent à leur fin

The normal ache of waking up in the morning while the alarm blurts out jarring noises that once bothered me seemed like calls from angels this morning. I threw myself out of bed and began to get ready for the day…my first day back at Blue Night Radio Station. There was still a tingling sensation on my lips, perhaps a ghost feeling of what once happened…that kiss with Jonghyun felt so natural. I pushed those thoughts away – we are just two people who happen to be childhood friends and employees there is totally no tension at all – none whatsoever. As I sat down to eat breakfast my nerves began to rise, I truly was anxious at the reaction of the other employees with my return. Everything fell apart because of a kiss…I touched my lips remembering a few nights previous when Jonghyun’s lips were once again on mine. 

The train station was as it once was – hurried bodies raced towards their destinations, all playing the game of cat and mouse with life – I was glad to be back. The route towards work felt natural and familiar, I had always loved the peaceful ride, the sun was rising above the hills and I gracefully watched from my seat. Life finally felt like it was coming together. The train eventually arrived at my stop; I breathed in and told myself to be confident –‘I can do this.’ 

The radio station building came into my view as I exited the station and butterflies erupted.  

I navigated the building’s hallways with ease towards Jonghyun’s office, it was like I had never left. I gently knocked and the door opened with a beaming face behind it. “You came!” he whispered, “Let me take you to your department.” We would not let our past or feelings get in the way of business, this is what I kept telling myself. We walked in silence with our hands occasionally brushing against one another – sending sparks throughout my body. The tension between us was sure to expand; how long could we go without admitting our crystal clear feelings towards each other? Perhaps they would stay hidden forever, remaining underneath the surface of every action we exchange because we are both afraid of the past that looms ever so slightly above our heads – all that would remain would be that sweet kiss…my mind lingered too much that I did not pay attention to the directions we were heading and I did not notice the curious eyes that followed me through the hallways. Gossip. 

We entered a small room with five desks, four pairs of eyes locked onto me and I felt as if I was shrinking under a spotlight. Introductions naturally came — everyone was a new hire so they did not know of my past employment, however, I was sure that would not be the case for long, office gossip spreads like wildfire. Jonghyun left me in the bushes with the matches, it was up to me how this wildfire would spread I suppose. 

As he left the room he gracefully whispered in my ear, “I’ll see you tonight.” 

I settled at my desk and informed on my duties and our goals as a team. It felt refreshing since everyone seemed friendly and welcoming. Soon enough the hour I had been dreading the most came upon us, lunch. The shared common area was a dreadful place for gossiping eyes and ears, yet I had to face my fears. As we entered the shared common area the whispers began and I could feel a lump beginning to form in my throat. I found a table with my new department and began to eat my lunch while people clearly talked openly about me. One of my coworkers broke the tension at the table with light hearted conversation and I was thankful for the distraction. There was a small gnawing feeling that they would ask me why there was so much talk about me being here unless they had already put pieces together – I feared judgment. The good thing about those who gossip is that they never approach you, they just wait to hear the next piece of information; I did not feel like having that kind of conversation today.

We made our way back to the department and it was not long until the four others pressed questions on why people were so shocked to see me in the office. I took a deep breath and rehearsed my previous time at the office. How Jonghyun and I were caught kissing despite it being a drunken incident and one that was off the clock. I wanted to dive into how we were childhood friends – maybe then the understanding of why I kissed him would be better, however, I did not have to do so. The words that came from their mouths surprised me, “It is kinda twisted someone would record your private life – boss or no boss, you’re allowed to have the relationships you want,” and “you did nothing wrong but I can see why he had to fire you, I am glad he could mend the situation and have you back here.” A sense of relief filled my body, for some reason I knew these people would have my back and wouldn’t tease the idea of bad gossip entering their minds. 

The week day finally ended and my mind was so preoccupied with work, new information and the exhausting tension from lunch that I did not realize that I had already arrived at the station – I was meant to meet Jonghyun. I rooted through my bag for my phone, upon looking at the screen I noticed there was already a message from him. He always beat me to these things. I decided to call him. 

“Hey, where are you Jjong?”

“I haven’t heard someone call me that in a long time, I’m just leaving the office – are you at the station?”

“A habit that just escaped I guess,” I laughed, “I am here, want me to wait for you?”

“Please, I’ll be there soon!” 

The rushing air of the train through the station and I let it slip past me, people were dashed to their destination while I waited – he arrived a few seconds later.

“I thought I would’ve made it in time! I am so sorry, shall we wait together?”

“I thought that was the plan.” I smiled at him.

Part of me wondered if he had been late on purpose, at least I hoped that he did. I wanted it to be the truth so badly. We sat together on the small bench, legs pressed together and I could feel my heart racing. 

“Soooo…how was today?” 

“It was surprisingly good, my new department is really nice.”

“See I told you people would not gossip,” he smiled at me.

I did not have the heart to tell him that people were in fact gossiping ghouls, I didn’t want him to worry about me. I wanted him to feel like he had made the right decision…maybe I wanted to convince myself as well that things would be okay. 

“I guess you were right, I mean what is there to gossip about huh? A childhood friendship really isn’t that interesting.” 

He smirked at me. The train arrived and we both hopped on, taking a seat next to each other. Oue hands gently brushed in that small moment and I wondered was it an accident or was he being playfully shy? We sat in a comfortable silence as we went towards our direction, I felt a sense of ease being around Jonghyun these days. There was something different about him ever since we discovered our past friendship but perhaps he was also making an effort to not make me feel uncomfortable. I really needed to get my head straight with my feelings for Jonghyun, or at least understand why he kissed me that night. Maybe it was a funny action, mimicking my drunken state many months ago – to make the playing field even. The train finally came to our stop and we were faced with the coolness of the evening. Autumn is finally creeping in, I suppose the summer has to end at some point. 

“Is everything okay? You seem a little distracted…”

“Oh..yes everything is fine Jonghyun, it’s just been a long day.”

“If you’re sure. I am always here if you need to speak to someone.”

The problem is that you are my issue at the moment. That is what I wanted to blurt out but a headache was creeping in and all I wanted to do was lay in bed. 

I smiled at him, “Ditto.” 

We parted ways, each going to our own apartment to spend the night away in the lonesome manner; unaware of each other's strong desire to be with one another. Spending the evening both looking at the same sky wondering if things would ever change. Each day for the rest of the week Jonghyun and I would ride the train home together.  Nothing changed.