payer le prix du chagrin

The morning sun arose at the same time as I – early birds hummed various tunes below me, filling my apartment with a symphony of hums. My nerves began to kick in while getting ready to leave, returning home was something I never looked forward to and now that I had to deliver the news of my job situation…I wanted to cancel the entire trip but I couldn’t hide in my lies forever. 

The train station was inhabited by many lonely souls – tired from the day already, commutes were not easy on the soul. Awaiting my train I tried to calm my nerves but it was a failure; I would have to sit in my anxiety. Despite the tingling sensation of anxiety flowing through my body, the journey was pleasant, the rush of the train matched the ever growing sinking feeling inside my chest as we grew closer to my destination – the train provided a view of landscapes merging into a beautiful array of colour, almost like an abstract painting. The views became more and more familiar as time passed and soon we approached my destination: ‘home.’

The station was welcoming since it was empty – I could collect myself with ease, so I decided to lean on the brick building as I called for a taxi, I needed the support. The flowers alongside the station were in full bloom with a variety of colour – I fell into a long lost memory.

‘One day I will become a city person, I will ride this train until I find the place that feels like home,’ I said with outstretched arms – trying to touch the sky with my bare fingertips.

He laughed and it felt like a gentle summer's breeze – it felt like home.

‘Will we go to the same city? Shall we be city roaches together?’ he asked.

‘Of course! We will go everywhere together and if not I will find you.’ I giggled and hugged him.

‘I will find you first,’ he smiled.

We sat in the long grass which hide our clasped hands and watched as trains passed by, guessing their destination and the stories of the people inside.

HONK.

The taxi’s arrival brought me out of my daze, I was soon to arrive back home and I wished I could have stayed in that field of grass. The silent taxi ride did not last long enough and my destination came into my eyesight. The welcome was awkward and the suspense was in the air – my family was bursting to ask questions about my big city job and there was only one thing that I could do – tell the truth. Those smiling faces fell; I spared the details of why I was fired and the conversation became a lecture of my life choices and I sat there in silence absorbing their words.

Perhaps it was deserved since it was my fault after all, I did kiss my boss but I would never let them know that. I felt like a complete disappointment to everyone around me and especially myself, how could’ve I been so foolish to have done such an act and then to get caught…a result of my own idiotic actions. I was lost in my own thoughts while my family's words played in the background, I could hear ‘do you even care about your future?’ My future…? Sometimes I feel like the older generation just doesn’t understand what it means to have a future these days, things are not as easy as they once were – and is it truly criminal if I still had not figured out what I truly want to do yet in life? I tried to utter the words that the coffee shop was only temporary but they were lost in the air, no one cared that I was trying my best since I had already failed. Eventually they began to plan my return home, I had no control in my life once again I guess…I should have never come back here.

Soon a headache grew and it kept growing as their words grew more harsher; I excused myself despite them still lecturing me – it felt as if their words were following me. I needed fresh air and since the sun was still up I decided to walk in the evening air. I had no direction in mind but all I knew was coming home and telling the truth was a complete mistake. I admired the nature surrounding me, trying to distract myself from focusing on the negativity my family had pushed upon me. The sides of the pavement had miniature fields growing that were also trying to burst through the concrete – I began to pluck flowers from the ground. 

Though I was back in my hometown I felt an alienation creeping upon me – I recognized streets, buildings and secret paths but I did not see one familiar face. A strange predicament of wanting to be alone but yet at the same time I wanted an embrace of familiarity – picking flowers and dreaming of contentment…what childish thinking. I wish the adult world provided such things. Suddenly the sky opened and rain poured down upon me and my surroundings – was the sky weeping for my own benefit? Was the rain forcing me back home?

I decided to start walking however, my feet headed for another direction – far from my family home. I found a covered bus stop and took cover there…I would wait for the rain to stop or I would take the bus back. I watched as cars passed by – a pang of loneliness reached inside my chest. I had never felt so alone, life was passing me by and I was stuck here and there was nothing I could do. Once upon a time ago I would’ve been able to pull myself up and reach for the stars but I am not sure when that feeling had left my body – it seemed as if all my efforts to improve my life despite hardships were failing; even my own family felt the same way about me – I felt pathetic. A car parked up in front of the bus stop – the windows rolled down and I was greeted by a familiar face, Jonghyun. I entered his car without a thought, I was just happy to see someone I knew. The click of my seatbelt clicked a change of events – the click of fate I suppose. 

‘I thought that was you,’ he spoke as began to drive, ‘I was surprised to see you here.’

‘I am the one who is surprised – no one comes here unless they are from here, is this radio business?’

‘ As you said…no one comes here unless they are from here.’

I stared out at the window, perplexed by this information. How did I not know that he was from here? I should’ve been able to recognize someone from such a small town…we were the same age and there was only one school in this town – this was a place where everyone knew you and vice versa. 

‘So you were homeschooled then?’ I asked.

‘No, no – the school I went to here which you should know since it is the only school in this town was St Catharina Education,’ he laughed, ‘but I guess I am having a hard time myself of recognizing you from school  – some people easily slip by you even in memories.’

‘I suppose you are right, I was a wallflower for the most part – I didn’t have friends…well I had one friend.’

‘So we were both wallflowers – interesting.’

He pulled into a convenience store parking lot, we sat in silence for a while; the rain drummed on the head of the car. 

‘Let’s find something to eat, you look hungry.’ He handed me an umbrella.

We pushed open our umbrellas into the rain and dashed towards the store, trying to stay as dry as possible and we found comfort in the artificial glow of the store. The air of time seemed to have drowned away, the weight of my choices suddenly lifted and I felt at ease. I was happy to have found someone familiar in this wave of uncertainty, even if it was Jonghyun. 

‘ What were you doing in the rain – hiding under that bus stop…’ he asked.

‘What do you mean?’ I picked up various items to eat.

‘I am not sure but you seemed like you weren’t in this world, uncaring if you stayed in that bus stop forever,'' he said as we headed to the cash register – he insisted that he would pay for my items and I did not protest. We sat down and I continued the conversation.

‘I guess I was avoiding going home, my family…they found out that I lost my job and they were disappointed in me to say the least – they want me to move back home.’

‘I see – and that’s what you want, to move back here?’

“I am not sure, I don’t know what I am doing – I wasn’t even a great employee at the radio station…you were always frustrated with me.’

‘I was, wasn't I?’ he chuckled, ‘ I’m sorry I don’t mean to laugh, I just didn’t realize how much i hurt you until that night you told me off – at the bar. I wasn’t aware of your feelings…I was caught up on my own feelings. I was being childish – you reminded me of someone I once knew, I thought I had found them at long last but nothing added up and I guess I was frustrated that you weren’t them…you were never a bad employee and to be frank I was a bad boss towards you. I miss you being there to be honest.’ 

‘Thank you for your words – truly it means a lot and you miss this person – I assume?’

‘I haven’t seen them for many years and when I saw you at the interview I thought I had finally come to a closure on a painful chapter of my life – you seemed to not know me, the names did not match…there was no past connection.’ 

There was something oddly familiar about him…especially sitting here in this small town. I pushed whatever memories that began to resurface back down – I had learnt to stay in the present and not let those high school memories resurface too much but somehow words began to escape my lips…

“I thought you were someone else too…when I first saw you at the radio station. I shook it off though since if you were the person I thought you were I would hope we would both recognize each other and embrace tightly but we passed by so quickly, no connection. ”

“ Two strangers mistaking each other for someone else…maybe it was fate that we met?” 

We left the convenience store, the rain was still active so we once again rushed through the parking lot to stay as dry as the umbrellas would allow us. Maybe it was fate that we met… those words echoed in my mind. Our fates seemed to be so intertwined…there had to be more, there was something I was missing but nothing came to mind. I expressed to him that I should head back to my parents since I couldn’t avoid the reality of my own actions forever. I directed Jonghyun to my parents' home, the drive was once again not long enough – I found myself wanting to stay in the warmth of this automobile forever. Once we arrived he had a perplexed look upon his face, perhaps a look of someone who had deja-vu but he quickly shook it off. 

‘ I’ll walk you to the door.’

As we approached the house the front door swung open, I prepared myself for a scolding despite my age, however –

“Jonghyun, is that you?” escaped my mothers lips.

She quickly rushed him into the house without either of us able to react or process the current situation. The words ‘I haven’t seen you in so long’ and ‘ we’ve missed you,” echoed in each of my family members' mouths. Jonghyun stared at me with the same perplexing look as he did in the driveway – he knew these people and his mind was processing who I was. As we stared at each other something began to shift within the universe…and like a flash of lightning my memories aligned – Jonghyun was that bass playing boy. Maybe it was fate that we met – after all this time…it was him? 

I wanted to grab his hand and rush him away. I wanted to talk to him to confirm what was happening was true; after all this time his name was Jonghyun. How did I forget this? …the bass playing boy was Jonghyun. This information kept spinning around in my mind. He was ushered to sit down and explain his life away – there was no time to speak with him. He dodged around the fact that he was a radio producer, sparing details on his company…my family slyly asked if he would hire me, his eyes darted to me and mouthed back to my family ‘maybe.’ Did he lie that we had worked together and that he had to fire me? Saving us both from humiliation. I questioned myself while the attention was on Jonghyun. How did I not recognize him? Did I easily brush past my own intuition, too afraid to face the past? He brought me so much joy…so why did I ignore it all? All I could do was stare at him, he had a natural beauty when he was younger and this had continued into adulthood – his features had become more defined and his eyes were still full of kindness, it was like I was seeing Jonghyun for the first time. I felt a rush of emotion over my face – Jonghyun caught my eye and seemed to understand what was happening. 

“ I really should be going! It was lovely seeing you all especially since it’s been so long. It feels like I have been reunited with my family.” he smiled brightly. 

He passed by me with ease and I followed behind closely. 

“ We have so much to talk about,” he lingers at the door, “when can I see you again?”

“Tomorrow?”

He brought me into a tight embrace and whispered into my ear, “ Tomorrow it is.” 

I never wanted that embrace to end but we parted slowly, watchful eyes lingered behind us wondering the notion of these actions but they were private, they were ours. My family hoovered around me for the rest of the night, wanting to ask questions about Jonghyun and I. I guess it was better than them belittling me. Though the sun had set and the countryside moon was blazing through houses, sleep did not come for me since I was knee deep in memory boxes. I found endless photographs and letters…all evidence of the shared past between Jonghyun and I. If I had not shoved these away into the darkest depths of this room would’ve I remembered him more? Can we really pass by those who once meant so much to us with such ease without knowing? I continued to flip through the memories, memories once so dear to me….I felt transported back into the past.

It was another hot summer morning, the bugs echoed through the grass to signal their arrival – the heat did not phase me, I was young nothing phased me. I had plans with Jonghyun, our time together was always so precious despite us spending everyday together. Our young hearts felt such freedom and whenever I was with him I felt at ease. I had packed some food for our adventure and headed to our normal spot. The air was thick with heat and sweat poured off my body, we had plans to go swimming at the lake. I found our spot, a lonely bus stop which had become subjected to nature's dominance, it was like another world. Usually Jonghyun was the first one to arrive but like today there were occasions when I beat him here. Minutes turned into hours – he had not come. I decided to wander to his house despite the heat burning down onto my bare skin. I was worried something bad had happened to him. 

I arrived at his house, everything seemed normal but there was no answer despite my endless efforts ringing the doorbell. Where was he? My concern grew and grew, soon a stranger approached me and asked if I had known the family that lived here, I nodded. 

“The family here just moved this morning – are you the little boy's friend?” they asked.

I once again nodded, unable to speak due to shock. He had moved? The stranger handed me a note and walked away. I could not move, he was not here? Why did he not tell me about this? The ground felt like it was going to swallow me up. I stuffed the letter into my pocket and ran home – I locked myself away for the rest of the summer. I locked the envelope into a box and tossed it underneath my bed…I never wanted to touch it again. I wanted to erase everything. 

Now here I was, many moons had passed since that day. I was holding that letter, unopened for many years. It was crumpled, unloved and unforgiven. Perhaps we had become so distant because I never opened something so precious – a letter written by someone so dear was so rare these days…I never opened this letter because I was young and hurt; I was not aware of the consequences. I was sure these letters had answers, answers that I had wished for when I was younger – ones that would’ve calmed my teenage heart. My hands trembled slightly as I opened the letter.

My dearest friend,

I  am truly sorry that I was unable to meet you today, tomorrow or the next – but I hope we meet soon in the future. I am sure it was a shock to have learnt that I am no longer here..that I moved away. I hid this information from you for so long but I wasn’t sure how to tell you or believe it for myself. There were so many nights that I wished things would change and that I could stay here with you forever. You see I am so sad that I am leaving you – I am not sure if my feelings were ever clear but you hold such a dear place in my heart. Will you please reach out to me? Please don’t let this foolish heart go to waste. Remember me.

– Jonghyun 

A polaroid of him fell out of the envelope and I weeped silently. Jonghyun I am sorry...I allowed our friendship to grow in so much distance that we easily passed by each other with ease.