Author's Note: Happy New Year! And happy birthday to Jongin ♡ Sorry for my complete absence the past two weeks, it's been a hectic time. Anyway, let's get into Taekai's New Year too, 2014 Clumsy Hearts style~

Weeks passed. Kyungsoo was respectable enough not to mention what he had seen in Chanyeol’s bathroom to anyone. Baekhyun was respectable enough to smack Chanyeol particularly hard over the head when he found out what Chanyeol had made Taemin and Jongin do. There were a few days where the two friends weren’t talking, but then, in ways only they knew how, they made up again.

On New Year’s they went to another party, and Jongin pulled Taemin out of sight to kiss him. It was risky, but they weren’t caught, and Jongin only kissed Taemin more when he tried to protest. Jongin was getting this way more and more, being dangerous, taking risks. He didn’t care about what anyone thought, didn’t care if it knocked his status down or lost him a few friends. He already had a good reputation, tons of connections – not to mention money and a pretty face that both got him very far. It would take more than being in love with another guy to ruin his life.

The same couldn’t be said for Taemin. Taemin, who had a handful of friends, recognized by many as the guy who was always around Jongin but hardly having a status of his own. Who didn’t have money to get him anywhere, who would fall flat if he didn’t have Jongin supporting him. They were still worlds apart, even as they were closer than they’d ever been before. Taemin loved Jongin, more than anything. But he still was afraid to take those risks.

Jongin’s birthday came a couple weeks after New Year’s. He invited a lot of friends to their place, and Jongin’s mother was nice enough to stay at a friend’s for the night. And things were good – Jongin opened his presents, there was cake and chicken and beer and soju, Chanyeol was there and played the role of DJ for them. Video games were cracked out, some people danced, others just chatted. Taemin felt out of place – he was at home, but there were a lot of people, some whom he knew and others he didn’t, and it was confusing for his mind to recalibrate appropriate behaviour for. He decided to just sit in a corner and watch the games quietly, letting Jongin enjoy his own night.

Except that of course, Taemin was an important part of Jongin’s night. Taemin was his boyfriend, and with each drink he had, Jongin felt lonelier without him. Eventually it got to him – it was his birthday, why wasn’t he spending it with the one he loved? – and he crossed the room to Taemin, who had taken his silent perch on the arm of the couch.

As Taemin was very slowly sipping away at his first drink, he wasn’t nearly as intoxicated as Jongin, and saw him coming. It also quickly became clear what Jongin had on his mind, and Taemin saw the intent burning in his eyes as he leaned in – for a kiss. Thinking fast, Taemin hurriedly turned it into a hug, patting Jongin in what he hoped looked like a platonic gesture on the back.

“Taemin…” Jongin mumbled whinily against his ear, pulling back with a notable pout on his lips. Taemin gave his head a tiny shake, and then Jongin reached for his hand. “Come here for a sec, I want to talk to you…”

It was suspicious – the interaction must have looked so strange from the outside, hugging and then suddenly going off to their shared room, as if some people hadn’t already commented on the strangeness of the fact that they had only one bed – but Taemin felt himself being dragged up anyway, led towards their room. He closed the door behind them, looking up at Jongin and expecting a kiss. But it didn’t come.

“I want to tell them,” Jongin announced instead, eyes dark as a hand reached up to touch Taemin’s cheek absently. “About us, Taem. Half of them already know anyway…”

Taemin bit his lip. All of those people out there? There were some he didn’t even know the names of, others he’d only met once or twice. That was a lot of strangers to be trusting with such a big secret.

“I don’t know,” he said quietly in return. Jongin took a step closer to him, crowding him in against the door and holding his gaze in a silent plea.

“Please baby,” Jongin murmured, pouting a little again to be more convincing. “For me, for my birthday…”

This made Taemin frown. He didn’t want to be guilted into this as a “birthday present” to Jongin. That wasn’t fair. “I hardly know half of them,” he noted, brow still furrowed as he met Jongin’s eyes. “And they could tell other people, and then it’ll just spread more…”

Jongin’s gaze burned on him, staring Taemin down for a minute before pushing himself back when he realized the older wasn’t going to budge. He looked put out, and maybe just a bit exasperated.

“Fine. I’m not gonna argue with you about it right now.”

Then he reached for the door handle, and Taemin stepped out of the way, feeling coldness wrap around his chest. Jongin left without another word, shutting the door behind him, Taemin staying behind in the cold silence that followed. The sounds of the party were distant, miles away, the closed door creating a whole world between him and them. It felt like a wall, and he didn’t bother to go back out. Instead he just went and laid down on the bed, reaching for the little stuffed deer that he had gifted Jongin so long ago and hugging it silently. If he cried, Bambi was the only one to know, but eventually he fell asleep.

In the morning, Taemin woke up to find Jongin cuddled up beside him. Neither of them said anything about the previous night, but they both knew the other remembered. Where it went unaddressed, it left awkwardness – silence, little pangs of the chest, an inability to look one another in the eye. Things cooled down between them a little, and though Jongin still kissed Taemin in private, Taemin felt too ashamed for a while to initiate anything himself.

Jongin seemed to take the new month as a new slate though, because on the first of February he woke Taemin up peppering his face with kisses. When Taemin did wake, Jongin pulled him into his arms and cuddled him affectionately, murmuring a good morning followed by several I love yous that had Taemin hiding his face in Jongin’s shirt. The younger continued to leave kisses in his hair, unbothered.

“Our three hundred days is coming up,” he said softly, hand Taemin’s back. Taemin didn’t know why he was surprised – Jongin had never forgotten an anniversary, always wishing Taemin a happy one every month with flowers or chocolate or bigger gifts for the bigger milestones. But it made him feel loved every time, tiny reminders that he wasn’t alone in his feelings anymore.

“Next week,” Taemin replied, nodding softly. He peeked up at Jongin, seeing that familiar burning affection in his eyes and making him melt the way it always did.

“I wanna do something with you,” Jongin went on. “Something special, like a real couple.”

Like a real couple. What did that mean? They were a real couple. Weren’t they? Suddenly, Taemin felt nervous, stuttering as he asked, “What do you mean?”

“Like a date,” Jongin suggested, and for a second, Taemin relaxed, thinking he’d been overreacting. Then Jongin tacked on, “Out in public.”

Of course. Taemin tried not to make a big deal out of it. They’d gone on lots of dates before. But the way Jongin was saying it, it sounded like he didn’t mean in a way that could be perceived as friends Thus, Taemin gave a hesitant nod.

“We can do something,” he agreed. “But nothing too crazy…”

This had Jongin frowning, and Taemin had to look away because it hurt to see it. He knew Jongin didn’t like it, knew what Jongin really wanted and hated not giving in, but they couldn’t. Why didn’t Jongin seem to understand that?

“Well, what about Valentine's then? It's a special day too, we should do something then.”

Taemin felt his heart thump in his throat. He couldn’t say yes. But if he didn’t, it was only going to cause another argument… “Why don't we stay in? Or- maybe go to a motel…” he tried to compromise.

“Babe…” The exasperation was hard to miss in Jongin’s voice. Taemin didn’t dare look up, not wanting to have to see it too. He was starting to feel sick, knowing he was disappointing Jongin and fearing he was pushing his boyfriend away. But when Jongin spoke again, his voice was quiet, gentle. “I don't wanna stay in. I wanna do something like a real couple, like I said.”

Taemin leaned back and glanced up at him, uncomfortable as the tension seemed to grow, despite Jongin’s tone. He was frustrated, despite the way he seemed to be trying his best to stay patient with Taemin, and it made it hard for Taemin to speak.

“I'm just…” He rolled over, sitting up to give Jongin (and himself) some space. “…not ready for that yet.”

Jongin sat up as well, frustration seeping into his voice. “When will you be?” he wondered, a tiny bit snappy, as though he were still trying to hold it back. “It's been so long, Taemin. How much more do I have to wait?”

And there it was. Taemin was holding him back, making him wait. This was his fault, and they both knew it. It stung, and Taemin didn’t know what to do other than throw up defenses.

“You don't understand,” he mumbled, feeling his heart crack a little at having to argue with Jongin. Because he had thought that Jongin had understood, but the more he pushed it, the more obvious it became that Jongin didn’t. He was just being nice, trying to stay patient, and that patience was running out. “You’re supported by everyone around you. Your mom, all your friends… I don’t have that…”

(Friends, yes, but family? They both knew what Taemin was risking here.)

“So, what? You're gonna wait until your family comes around?” Jongin asked him, and with every word the annoyance grew stronger in his voice. “Because they never will, Taemin. They aren't going to change their minds. So we have to hide forever?”

It stung, hearing Jongin confirm the fears Taemin had in his mind. But there was more, that was somehow worse, and bad enough to make Taemin forget.

“I can't do that, Taemin,” Jongin went on. “I love you, so much, but I hate this. I hate being a secret. It's not me. I want to take you out, show you off, spoil you with everything… I want to hold your hand and kiss you in public, and… and do other things without having to worry about consequences. I can't keep waiting, Taemin…”

Taemin’s chest felt like it was trying to lock itself up, having sensed this for a while but refusing to allow himself to get caught up in what he’d told himself was unnecessary paranoia. When he spoke though, the fear was clear in his voice. “Then what?”

He had no defense for himself. All he could do was pray. Pray that Jongin’s patience wouldn’t run out now, that Jongin would remember everything between them and that it could somehow be enough. As if Taemin had ever been enough, as if he’d ever contributed and sacrificed for their relationship the way Jongin had.

For a moment, Jongin was quiet. Then he finally spoke, not angry, not exasperated, but hesitant. And somewhat… sorry. “I… I think we should stop this, Taemin... take a break at least, until you're ready. I feel frustrated about this, and I don’t want to take it out on you, and I feel like I keep pressuring you which I don't want either. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, but… I can't do this…”

Taemin didn’t look at him, afraid that somehow seeing him would make it more real. It was in his head, right? A very vivid nightmare that his mind was conjuring up again… He kept his back to Jongin, and Jongin could see the way he had tensed up, throwing up that wall between him and reality. And maybe it wasn’t fair of him, but Jongin reached out to rub his back, trying to comfort him even though he knew his words were the source of Taemin’s pain.

“When you're ready we can try again,” Jongin promised softly. “But I think… we should go back to being friends for now. Not because I don't love you or there's anything wrong with you,” he added, not wanting for a second for Taemin to believe either of those things. “Just- until we're really ready.”

Silence fell for a painfully long minute as Taemin said nothing. Every ounce of his efforts went into remaining composed despite how devastated he felt, until finally he found the last of his strength to speak up.

“Then... you're breaking up with me.”

As much as Jongin knew he was trying to hide it, the pain came through clear and unfiltered. It tugged at Jongin’s heart, but he did his utmost not to cry. That would only make it harder. Instead, Jongin continued rubbing his back, wishing he could hug Taemin but not sure it was appropriate at the moment.

 “I'm sorry,” he said quietly, unable to say yes. The idea of losing their relationship hurt him too, and he didn’t want to believe it. It hurt because it wasn’t fair, for either of them. It hurt because he was happy, and he liked – no, he loved Taemin. But he couldn’t keep doing this. They both deserved relationships that didn’t have to be covered up. Just for now. It’s just for a little while… “It doesn't have to be forever. just until it's possible for us, you know?”

“It's been possible…”

This hurt too, because he was right, and Jongin knew he was being difficult. He could just put up and shut up, but…

“But I can't… I can't have a relationship like this, having to be a secret.” Jongin couldn’t lie, to himself or Taemin anymore. He loved this relationship, loved Taemin, but… “It's just not me, Taem. I'm really sorry, and I'll be there the moment you feel ready. But like I said, I don’t think it's right to keep trying to push you when you aren't there yet. So you can take the time you need, and we'll try again when it can actually work…”

He was trying his best to make it about him, his fault, to let Taemin know that he was the problem so Taemin wouldn’t blame himself too much. It wasn’t really Taemin who was getting between them anyway, but… the work was Taemin’s to sort out, and they both knew it. Jongin would never say that, though, choosing not to say another word at all.

Meanwhile, Taemin was heartbroken, the final confirmation making those walls build up so high around him that they suffocated him. He just sat there for a moment, blinked several times, not looking at anything in particular. As he watched, Jongin wanted to reach out, to hug him or take his hand, do something to unfreeze him. But he didn’t.

 Struggling to breathe, Taemin gave a slow nod. “I’m gonna take a walk,” was all he said, somehow dragging his feet and slipping out of the room. Out of the apartment. Jongin didn’t follow. When Taemin needed space, Jongin knew to give it, wanting him to clear his head in peace. A moment later he heard the front door open and close, and he was left there alone to deal with the pain.

On the other side, Taemin made his way to the elevator. Rather than down, he went up to the roof. His body felt like it had lost all of its energy, and he doubted he would get very far walking before he broke down crying. He hardly made it to the roof, finding it empty and going to sit in the corner before he burst into tears. Hugging his knees, he just sat there and cried his heart out for an hour, and then another. Eventually, the tears ran out, and he rested his chin on his knees so he could stay a little while longer.

The emptiness made him feel physically sick. His chest had a strangely hollow feeling, only lost when a new wave of pain came and knocked him over again. It hurt. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. Taemin loved Jongin. He had loved Jongin for so long. He had already thought about spending the rest of his life with the other, already made little fantasy plans in his mind, already put his hopes sky-high. Never would he have dreamed that Jongin would ever want him, give him a chance. But everything had been going so well…

So he had thought. But Jongin was ashamed of their relationship, ashamed of being with him…

This thought played over and over in his mind. It wasn’t him, Jongin had said, but if Taemin were a girl this wouldn’t be happening. If Taemin was someone else Jongin would be willing to stay.

 He must have been there for two hours or more, crying his heart out to no relief, in the cold, in his pajamas, but feeling none of it. At some point he realized that it was no good staying there. Not knowing what else to do – and unable to step foot back in their apartment and face Jongin again right now – Taemin took his leave and headed to Jonghyun’s. He didn’t have his phone, so he couldn’t text ahead, but he was lucky enough to find Jonghyun in. Giving a feeble knock on the door, he heard the older calling before the door flew open. Then Jonghyun took one look at him and pulled him inside, letting Taemin cry in his arms on his couch for as long as it took him to run dry.

When Taemin’s tears finally did run out, Jonghyun didn’t ask any questions. He hugged Taemin for a long time, and then got up to make him some soup. After Taemin finished it, he put on something calming on the TV and told Taemin to rest.

It took everything in Jonghyun not to go over to Jongin’s house and scream at him. Every fiber in his being wanted to, but by some miracle he remained composed when made his way over and knocked on the apartment door. He truly understood the term blood boiling when Jongin answered it, and so Jonghyun was proud of himself for not exploding in his face.

"I’m just here for his phone, some things, and not a word from you,” he said, stepping inside and not even bothering to take off his shoes. Jonghyun went to their bedroom, finding the things he wanted and putting them in Taemin’s backpack. He moved efficiently, with speed and not a sound himself, Jongin just watching in the doorway. It was obvious that he had been crying too, but Jonghyun didn’t care. He just wanted to grab the things Taemin would need so he wouldn’t have to come back here before he was ready.

“I’m sorry,” Jongin finally said as Jonghyun moved back toward the door.

“I said not a word,” Jonghyun snapped at him in return. And oh, Jongin shouldn’t have spoken, because Jonghyun’s self-control quickly started to unravel. “I don’t care what you’ve done. You could beg for my forgiveness on your knees and I will never give it to you unless Taemin does. Do not speak to me,” he added icily as Jongin opened his mouth again. “Suffer, on your own, knowing I don’t care what defense you have for yourself because it will never be enough.”

Jongin’s mouth shut again, too hurt to be angry at the way Jonghyun was speaking to him (in his own house, nonetheless). Meanwhile, Jonghyun was swinging Taemin’s bag over his shoulder and heading towards the door with intent. He only stopped when he got to the entrance again, looking around and speaking just once more.

“I just want you to know, all of the pain you’ve caused him – making him show up at my door in his pajamas without even having his phone, and every single tear that he cried out for hours because of you – all of it is on your hands. And you’ll be very lucky if I don’t convince him to never, ever see you again. So I hope whatever pain you got to witness in him was worth it, because it might be the last memory you ever have with him.”

And then he was seeing himself out, slamming the door so hard a nearby picture frame fell with a crash. Jongin was so stunned by the other’s words that he hardly registered it, standing there for several minutes as everything slowly processed and tugged at his heart.

I’ve ruined everything, he thought, heart aching as he thought about Taemin crying for hours. Taemin, of all people, who rarely cried, held things in more than anyone Jongin knew. Hours… He must have gone to Jonghyun’s after he left the apartment that morning, and it was going on six hours now. Had he been crying all that time?

It was like Jongin could feel the cracks forming in his heart. He had thought Taemin had just needed space, the way he always did when it came to sorting out his feelings. In hindsight, that had been stupid. Jongin just didn’t want to deal with all the fallout. But now it was staring him in the face. This was going to be so much harder than he’d imagined – Taemin wouldn’t go off and think about it for a while before changing his mind, as Jongin had hoped. No, Jongin was realizing; losing Taemin was a very, very real possibility now.

It won’t be that bad. It’s going to be fine…

He forced himself to remain calm, moving to grab the fallen frame to put it back in its place. Picking it up, he saw the picture he’d taken with Taemin to gift to his mother.

The glass was shattered, cracks covering their faces.

Jongin felt his heart break with it.

Author's Note: And this, my friends, is the end of Part Three.
Let me start by saying, I'm sorry for any broken hearts alongside mine. It's been building up for a while, but I know Taemin and Jongin have kept dismissing it in ways that have made it seem like things are fine and it's not a problem, so I feel like this could come as a little unexpected. (Also, Jonghyun's reaction? A bit strong, he's reeeeally protective and he doesn't even know what happened yet. Definitely curious what everyone thinks of him!) I also know it's not the ending anyone wants - but! This is not the end at all, and I have a lot in store for our boys and their clumsy hearts. ♡

I'll be taking a break for a while - maybe until March? - so I can try to get ahead on writing again. I know this is a terrible note to leave on, but I'll be back before you know it! Until then, take care and see you again soon ♡