Author's Note: This chapter is a bit short but very impactful (a Jonghyun-esque chapter, if you will), so I'm hoping the content keeps everyone content~ (I'm sorry, I actually don't know who allows me to speak 😅) Enjoy! ♡

Jongin came home in the evening after his final class, Taemin nowhere to be seen. With the bathroom door closed and the sound of the water running though, Jongin could safely assume where he was. Since he was a little early, Jongin thought he would wait in their room to surprise the older when he got out, going to the bedroom to set himself up quietly.

After a quick clothing change into his comfortable pajamas, Jongin went to lay himself out on their bed. Unexpectedly, he found a book on Taemin’s pillow instead – something the boy must have been reading before he went off to shower. Initially, Jongin thought it must have been a book for class; but as he looked over the cover, something jumped out at him. A cross.

It wasn’t news that Taemin was religious. Jongin had known it since they met. But truthfully, Jongin had sort of thought Taemin had moved away from all that. He didn’t go to church now, didn’t do many religious-y things – like the way he had been when he first moved in; he would always clasp his hands together at every meal and silently say a prayer. Now he would just pause for a few seconds before eating. He rarely mentioned anything about God or sins or any of that (which was nice because Jongin thought it was all a little silly anyway). So the book intrigued Jongin.

Picking it up, Jongin looked the book over cautiously. That was when he noticed the bookmark, which only increased his curiosity. What was Taemin reading about? Jongin flicked it open, the heading on the page immediately catching his eye – PLEASURING OTHERS. His heart thudded, not sure what on earth he had expected but not having been prepared for that. At the top of the page, a little header read Chapter 7 – ual Sins, suggesting it wasn’t a Christian-style how-to. When he flipped through the pages, he found the particular section to be between ION and ORAL . From the vibe he got just skimming it over, the book was not a fan of any of these things.

Perfect, Jongin thought. Exactly what I need, Taemin filling his head with all these ideas. Taemin had been letting him jerk him off more lately, and Jongin had thought they were making progress. Maybe sometime Taemin would offer to get him off, part of Jongin was hoping (though he was a little nervous at the idea). Maybe they would end up doing more (which made him even more nervous, but not in a bad way). If Taemin believed all the nonsense in this book though, things might end up reversing entirely. If he believed it…

Jongin’s chest gave a painful pang. What if Taemin broke up with him? No, no, no, don’t think that… He refused to even allow the idea to exist in the world, shutting it down in an instant. However, Taemin really might not want to be ual with him anymore. The idea made Jongin sulk. Would he really believe some stupid book over their relationship?

What if he hid the book? What if he ripped it up and threw it in the trash? What if he left the apartment, set it on fire, and then came back home and pretended he had just gotten in? Taemin would never know. Maybe he would think he was crazy, or that God hadn’t wanted him to read the book…

The sound of the bathroom door clicking open shook Jongin out of his thoughts. He slammed the book shut and threw it back onto Taemin’s pillow, jumping to his feet. To seem unsuspecting, he quickly ed his shirt a little, then pretended he was just getting dressed again as Taemin walked in.

“Oh – you’re home early!”

Taemin’s bright, surprised smile left Jongin unable to stay too moody. He flashed a grin and explained how his class had ended early, before disappearing briefly to the bathroom. By the time he returned, the book was nowhere to be seen.

Jongin didn’t mention it. Neither did Taemin.

*

Their one-month anniversary fell on a Thursday, which was unfortunately filled with classes as well as Taemin working – meaning, they hardly got to see each other. Even so, Taemin was sure to prepare a gift – some more wagashi with a card – and he came home to a bouquet of flowers with a sweet I love you note attached. When Jongin’s mother asked, Jongin lied and said they were for her, something that had the boys giggling about later.

Since the following day was a holiday, they wouldn’t have to wake up early. As such, Jongin started getting handsy with Taemin that night. It was probably his fault, Taemin thought, as he had started the whole kissing session and practically dragged Jongin on top of him (because it was their anniversary, and they deserved to cherish each other a little bit). But Taemin stopped him before he went too far, reminding Jongin about their plan to visit his parents the next day for the long weekend.

“I won’t be able to touch you all weekend,” Jongin tried to argue. That was true – they would even have to hold off on kissing around his parents – but Taemin was feeling a bit guilty lately. He needed to sort things out before they kept doing such inappropriate things.

This was a big part of why they were going to visit. Taemin had announced his desire to go home, and Jongin had wasted no time booking tickets for the long weekend for them. Of course, the main thing was seeing his parents, but also… Taemin had decided he needed to get back to his church so he could try to get help with… well, the inner turmoil their relationship was causing. If he didn’t, he worried it was going to spoil things between them (not to mention just make him miserable).

None of this was expressed to Jongin, of course. He didn’t need to know. But Taemin did feel bad about the way it made his boyfriend so sulky not to be able to touch him. Especially on their own anniversary…

“I’m sorry. I promise I’ll make it up to you…”

Jongin just pouted, but Taemin swore to himself that he would keep his word.

The next day they were being welcomed into Taemin’s parents house, his mother telling him how she nearly fainted at the sight of his hair while his father joked that he’d become a crazy city kid. They didn’t seem to judge it too much though, soon moving on to comment on his clothes.

“Look how nicely you’re dressed… you’re really working hard, huh?”

“These are Jongin’s old clothes,” Taemin had to admit. No matter how hard he worked, he would never be able to afford the things he wore. He was really just blessed by Jongin.

“Seems like he’s still taking good care of you.” Taemin’s mother replied, turning to give Jongin a fond look. “I’m so glad our boy found you.” And though Taemin knew she would never say it if she knew how their relationship really was, he pretended she meant it like that. It felt like she was giving her blessing that way.

But then, it occurred to him how delusional he was being. He really would need to go to that confession booth…

He dreaded the idea, and so Taemin avoided thinking about it as much as possible. For the first two days, they just kept themselves busy with his parents and going around the town to the familiar old spots and visiting Jongin’s grandparents. By Saturday night Jongin seemed to be bursting, because when they went off to take a shower together he locked them in and practically shoved Taemin against the door.

“I can’t handle this,” he muttered. Taemin was too paranoid to give him more than a goodnight peck when they went to bed, and outside of practically sleeping on top of each other, they barely touched during the day. Jongin’s aggression admittedly made Taemin chuckle, though.

“I didn’t realize you were this needy,” Taemin admitted with a playful grin. Jongin just let out a huff and all but ripped off his shirt.

“Shut up and get your clothes off,” was his only response as he ran the water and stripped the rest of the way himself. It had Taemin glowing as the phrase was so suggestive, but he did as he was told. A minute later he found himself pressed against the wall of the shower as Jongin got all his aggression out, kissing him half to death.

It felt a lot more intimate like this, no clothes separating them now. Taemin could feel Jongin’s skin pressed against his own, and it had his heart stuttering as his mind toiled between how enticing it felt and how inappropriate it must have been. Still, his hands rested on Jongin’s shoulders to keep him near, feeling a strange rushing, electric sensation as Jongin’s fingers twined into his hair. They only stopped when Taemin remembered where they were, feeling bad about wasting the water and promising Jongin they could continue at home.

Then it was bedtime. The night before church.

Taemin’s anxiety spiked from the moment he closed his eyes, thought after thought running through his mind. All the things that might go wrong, all the consequences if it got out. If his parents found out… Spending the last two days with them had reminded him how much he loved and missed them, how at home he felt with them, just how precious they were to him. It reminded him of just everything he would lose. The more he thought about it, the worse he felt. Maybe he shouldn’t go…

No. You need to get this out. It’s going to eat you alive soon…

Morning came after what felt like just a few minutes of rest. Taemin’s mother was there waking them up, and then Taemin was brutally jolted awake as he rolled off Jongin – and off of the bed. He’d forgotten how tiny his old bed was.

“Taemin, you idiot-” Jongin was hurriedly sitting up, barely awake but looking concerned, until he saw how confused and disoriented (and unhurt) Taemin was on the floor. Then he had to laugh. Taemin broke into giggles at himself for a moment, but then the realization of having to go to church hit him even harder than the floor and he soon sobered up. Time was ticking. There was no more avoiding it…

Jongin didn’t miss just how quiet he was while they ate and got ready to go. Before they headed back downstairs, he touched Taemin’s wrist lightly, tilting his head to give him a curious look. “Are you okay? You didn’t hit your head when you fell, did you?”

The sincerity in his voice made Taemin’s heart pit-a-pat in his chest, this side of Jongin very rare for him. He gave his head a slight shake. “I’m fine. I think I just didn’t sleep too well,” he said, a half-truth. Jongin stared at him for a minute, brow slightly furrowed.

“You’ve been kind of quiet all weekend,” he admitted in response, and it made Taemin very suddenly aware of just how off both of them had been since Friday morning. Taemin had been oblivious, doing his best to behave and enjoy the time with his parents, but it all felt like an act, a mask under which he was numb. All he could do was worry about being caught, worry about what would happen at church, worry, worry, worry…

And in all his worrying, he had completely neglected Jongin the whole weekend. They’d hardly spoken; Taemin hardly said anything to him, and in return Jongin – who was probably hurt – had kept quieter too. They couldn’t act like lovers, of course, but they were behaving more like strangers than friends. Because of Taemin.

“I’m sorry,” Taemin whispered. “I just have a lot on my mind…”

This made Jongin jut out his lower lip prominently, but before he could say anything more, Taemin’s father was calling them from the bottom of the stairs to come down. It was time to go.

Taemin froze up, but Jongin threw a gentle arm around him. “Come on,” he said casually. Then, seeming to sense what might be holding Taemin back, Jongin added, “It’s gonna be fine. No one knows…”

 Not yet. But there was no time left to think about it. He just had to go.

Taemin’s parents liked to go to church unreasonably early, so they could mingle with the other members of the congregation. As such, Taemin had decided that he would be heading straight to the confession booth before the service started – since they were typically busier after, and he didn’t want to keep his parents waiting for who-knew how long to get through his long list of sins. On the downside, this meant leaving Jongin alone – in a place he hardly knew, surrounded by strangers.

“I’m so sorry,” Taemin said, feeling like he was apologizing a lot lately. “I just- need to…”

Jongin gave a nod, looking resolved. For a second he grabbed Taemin’s hand to squeeze, but then he was letting it drop and looking down. “Take your time,” was his reply, though Taemin was hoping not to. The quicker he got it over with, the better.

By the time he closed himself into the stuffy little booth, Taemin’s heart was throbbing in his ears. His anxiety was so bad it had tied his tongue, so he just sat there for a painfully long moment, feeling like the walls were closing in around him. This was bad. He had never felt this way in confession before; not the first time he’d come in at the age of four for stealing two chocolate bars for him and Taesun from the convenience store; not when he’d looked up ographic images once (once!) in middle school because he was too curious what on earth it was and his mother had caught him (which had arguably been more humiliating than confessing, because no matter how sincere he was, he was sure she didn’t believe that he didn’t know better and had just wanted to know what the other kids were talking about…). Not even when he’d had to admit to kissing Jongin as a dare that one time. No, now he had over a year’s worth of sins, and some pretty heavy ones at that. He didn’t even know where to begin.

“I-I’ve sinned.”

Taemin didn’t even know what was going to come out of his mouth when he opened it, but he figured that was a good start. There was only silence in response though, and it felt like it was pressing in on his ears as he desperately waited for something, anything. Was there even a priest there? Maybe he was one of the silent ones; Taemin kind of preferred them anyway. He never knew how much they were judging that way.

Finally, a voice chimed in. “As we all have.”

Taemin had never heard a priest say that kind of thing. Part of him wanted to laugh, but he wasn’t sure that was appropriate. Instead he just went on. “These are more than just… everyday sins.” More silence, his cue to continue. “I- I’ve… fallen in love…” Nothing (except the deafening pounding of his heart in his ears; maybe the priest did say something and Taemin just couldn’t hear it). “With – a boy.”

Saying it made his stomach churn. Saying it there. Taemin wished he knew why he cared so much about the opinions of people – their thoughts weren’t what mattered. This was between him and God, and God could see everything anyway. But there he was, shaking so badly that he had to fold his hands together and put them between his knees.

“To love is not a sin,” the voice finally returned after a moment of contemplation.

“To love another man?” Taemin clarified weakly.

“To love anyone.”

This time, Taemin was silent. He processed slowly. Loving was not a sin, his mind repeated over and over. Then it hit a bump.

Of course it’s fine, as long as it stays in your head.

“Well… I’ve acted on it,” he admitted next, although now he felt a little less anxious and a little more challenging. He had sinned, this priest wouldn’t get around it.

“In what way?” the voice wondered.

Taemin swallowed thickly. “I’ve – kissed him. And…” Oh, how did he even put it into words? His ears suddenly started feeling hot, wondering where that split second of boldness had gone. He took a shaky breath, then added, “…he has – touched me, in- in inappropriate places.”

It was so hard to get the words out, and he felt even more silly for stuttering the amount he did, but once it was said Taemin felt a weight lift off his chest. The secret was out there now, and out of his hands.

There were many responses Taemin was prepared for, but he didn’t quite expect the one he got. “Is that all you’ve done with him?” The tone hinted at something – Is there more? it seemed to ask. Taemin quickly affirmed that that was the extent of it, then snapped his mouth shut in fear as he awaited judgement.

“Well,” the other said slowly. “To kiss is not a sin either. And ion is debated, at best. However, to help someone else do so…” He trailed off, and Taemin thought he heard pages flipping. “There isn’t much that is clear, but I believe it would fall under ual immorality.”

It was a surprisingly honest assessment. Taemin took a deep breath, nodded to himself, and then exhaled. “Then… we should stop.”

His relationship with Jongin was fine, so long as they only kissed and did nothing more. Ever. As if Jongin, who was so full of ual energy, would be okay with that in the long run.

“You should stop,” the priest agreed. “But will you?” Taemin was too taken aback to answer, and he soon continued. “You are human. That doesn’t mean you get a free pass to sin whenever you want. But we are all full of sin. We are not perfect, that’s part of being human… Try to avoid sinning, but remember God will forgive you for being human.”

Taemin listened wordlessly, taken aback by the advice. It almost sounded like… encouragement. (But no, that wasn’t it. It was more like the man wasn’t discouraging him.) Not exactly sure how to respond, Taemin gave a tiny nod. “Yes, Father…”

“How often do you pray?”

Not enough. “Once a day, maybe,” he said quietly. It hit him just how far he’d truly strayed, as he used to pray constantly. What happened to me?

“Try to more often,” the priest advised. “Stay close to God, or it will be easier to be tempted. And pray before you see your friend, before times you might be inclined to sin.”

Taemin bit his lip, deciding not to mention how they were roommates. The advice would mean him praying every night before bed, then, because that was when things always happened. It will be good for me, he told himself, although part of him felt afraid. It wouldn’t be good for their relationship…

Suddenly, his eyes stung. Taemin didn’t say anything more though, just repenting for a while before being sent off. Back to his parents. Back to Jongin, who he couldn’t look in the eye now. Because he knew he had to make a choice, and he knew what he had to choose.

And it couldn't be Jongin.

Author's Note: I was going to write more for this chapter, but I feel like this is such a good place to end on (evil laughter). Taemin finally got the thing he wanted more than anything - to be with Jongin - but now he's having trouble in paradise. Who knew getting with Jongin would make him... well, reconsider being with Jongin? Will he tell him? Will Jongin mention what he knows? Has Taemin made up his mind? Who's going to win, the angel on his shoulder, or the devil?