Author's Note: I feel like this chapter is a little bit of a rollercoaster emotionally, so prepare yourselves! Nothing too crazy, promise, just very all over the map. Enjoy~ ♡

It was almost that time of year. As in, when high school students would take their university entrance exams that were treated like their whole lives depended on them. For Jongin, his parents’ divorce had been a bit of a reality check. Having always been under the impression that he wouldn’t have to worry much, as he could just inherit his father’s wealth and always be looked after, the divorce represented a big change for him. Now, he would actually have to work for himself. Even if he could squeeze the odd favour out of his father (or rather, his father’s secretary), that wouldn’t be enough to live off. Jongin actually needed to try.

And he had been trying. He really did put effort into studying in that last year, but quite honestly it could have been more. So he started to feel that pressure as his days dwindled down, trying to make up for lost time by spending his evenings poring over his books and trying to absorb everything he could. There was so much, though; too much, more than he could comprehend, let alone remember.

This was why one evening, Taemin came home from work to find Jongin on the floor, surrounded by books and papers, crying.

“Jongin? What’s wrong?” Immediately, Taemin dropped down on his knees beside Jongin, careful not to crumple any of the papers. His hands moved to Jongin’s shoulders, giving them a gentle squeeze as Jongin lifted his head from his hands, eyes full of tears. “What’s the matter?” Taemin asked him, voice soft as cotton, worry etched into his features.

“I’m going to fail,” Jongin sniffled. “I can’t learn all this. It’s too hard…”

Though he felt hopeless, Taemin was quick to pull him into his arms soothingly, letting him cry on his shoulder. “I know, it’s a lot…” he murmured, giving Jongin time to cry it out. “It’s gonna be okay, I promise.”

“I’m just useless, Taemin,” Jongin sobbed into the older’s shirt, feeling pathetic. “I spent my whole life – thinking everything would just be easy… I never bothered working hard, and now it’s too late.” It was pitiful, and probably laughable from Taemin’s perspective. Taemin, who had two hardworking parents who hardly got by, while Jongin dealt with his rich kid problems.

But Taemin didn’t laugh. He gently lifted Jongin to look at him, holding him by his shoulders again. “Why don’t you tell me your plan,” he suggested softly, reaching over for the tissues on Jongin’s nightstand and wiping at his face. “What do you want to study for?”

Taking the tissues, Jongin blew his nose and tried to clear his thoughts. “I don’t know. I thought I would work in my dad’s company,” he admitted, which was definitely out of the cards now. “If not, I always just wanted to do something fun. I thought I would have my dad’s support and wouldn’t have to find some hard career…” It sounded so spoiled, but that was honestly how he had been raised. And considering how little he had liked to address the whole situation since his parents broke up, it wasn’t surprising that he hadn’t put any thought into his future in this regard either. Once again, he had been screwed over by his father.

“Well, what kind of things would you like to do?” Again, Taemin wasn’t judgemental. His tone was soft, and he was so genuinely caring, patiently listening and trying to talk him through it. Plus, the way he remained calm and level-headed was contagious, helping balance Jongin out too.

“I don’t know… Something like acting, or maybe photography. Or… a lot of people have said I should try modelling, I’ve thought of that too,” mumbled Jongin, sounding a bit doubtful. “I don’t know if I could make a career out of that though.”

“Oh, I bet you’d be a great model,” Taemin told him sincerely. “You have the right look, and I think you have good charisma too. I’m sure photographers would love you.” He smiled fondly, looking momentarily lost in the thought of it. Then he was patting Jongin’s knee. “I think it could be hard, but if anyone had a chance at success in that kind of thing, I think it’s you. You’re handsome and photogenic, and you have good body proportions, and everything you wear looks good on you. You’re exactly what they’re looking for.”

All of his praises made Jongin feel shy. “You’re just saying this to make me feel better,” he mumbled, but Taemin immediately shook his head.

“No, I mean every word! You know I can’t lie.” That was true; he was a pretty terrible liar. “And if you did that, you wouldn’t even need to go to school at all. Of course you could study fashion, design, photography, all that stuff to help, but you don’t need any schooling to model. Just some training maybe, and practice. You can go out and try, get experience and build connections… Maybe study business. And if you change your mind later, you can study something else, but your exam scores won’t matter by then-”

He was cut off as Jongin decided to put his hand on Taemin’s shoulder, the older blinking at him in surprise. “You’re rambling,” Jongin pointed out, Taemin’s mouth quickly snapping shut in embarrassment before muttering about how he was just trying to help. “It’s working,” Jongin said, shooting him a smile. Because Taemin was right; he was letting things get to him when he didn’t need to, and that wasn’t helping him at all. Seeing this, Taemin mirrored his expression.

“Good,” he said, sounding relieved. “You’re gonna be fine, so don’t put too much pressure on yourself, okay?”

Jongin nodded, still feeling overwhelmed by all his schoolwork but already feeling better. Screw it. He didn’t have to be perfect, or even the best. Studying had never been his thing, that wasn’t going to suddenly change now. But it was okay; things would all work out in the end.

“And I can help you if you want,” Taemin added, gesturing to his books. “I did study a lot of this stuff last year.”

Taemin’s heart was too big sometimes. “You already have your own studies,” Jongin reminded him, shaking his head. “But thank you, really. And thanks for talking some sense into me.”

“Anytime. I’m always here for you…”

*

For the next month, Jongin didn’t stress nearly as much thanks to Taemin. Although he was definitely nervous when the day finally came, it was over before he knew it, and then it was all done. Nothing to do but wait. He had tried his best, and there was nothing more to it.

One more step towards adulthood, he told himself.

With the relief of exams being out of the way, the feeling at Jongin’s school started taking a celebratory tone. Success or failure, their biggest hurdle was now behind them, and everyone was released from the stresses of exam pressure. And that was how plans for the biggest, final bash began to form.

The invitations went out, and Jongin’s group chat with his friends exploded with activity. They (along with everyone else) buzzed about the event, what to wear, who to bring. It left Jongin glued to his phone for an hour, something that Taemin didn’t miss.

“Who are you talking to?”

Preoccupied as he was, Jongin could hear the pout in his voice. He looked up with a laugh, catching sight of his best friend’s unmasked jealousy.  “My friends,” he said casually, flashing his screen briefly to show the group chat, the messages nonstop.

Taemin scooted over, taking up the place beside Jongin on the couch and resting his head on Jongin’s shoulder to peek at the conversation. “Seems like an important conversation…”

“You could say that,” Jongin hummed, resting his phone down to give the older his attention, realizing he’d been ignoring Taemin for a bit now. “Nothing bad,” he assured, leaning his head against Taemin’s affectionately to try and make up for himself.

“Mm, what’s going on?” Taemin prodded, unabashedly curious. Even having his own friends, he always took interest in Jongin’s.

“There's gonna be like... a graduation party,” explained Jongin, wondering if Taemin had had that type of thing last year (though he doubted it). “Everyone's talking about clothes, trying to get dates… I guess so they can feel cool, or have someone to dance with or kiss, or finally lose their ity before they get to university.” He was pretty sure most of his friend group had ticked that off their bucket lists already, but there were still a couple left. Not that there was anything wrong with waiting, he thought.

“I'm glad you're not worried about that kind of thing.”

Apparently, being gay hadn’t changed much about Taemin’s perspective on things. Chastity was a big thing in religion, Jongin knew. But at the same time…

Jongin gave a slight laugh. “Taemin. I… already lost mine,” he confessed, trying not to feel nervous. Who was Taemin to judge him? (My best friend, that’s who…)

Still, Taemin’s face – to the surprise of no one – was that of unfiltered shock. “What?” Then, after a pause, “When?”

“You remember last Christmas when you called me?” Jongin said slowly. “We were supposed to talk.. but I didn't answer…” He gave a slight shrug, trying not to make it into a big deal, even though he couldn’t really look Taemin in the eye. “Then.”

There was quiet, for a little too long. When Jongin peeked up, Taemin was looking upset, eyes watering. “Oh…”

At that, a lot of things hit him. Jongin realized that maybe he shouldn't have said it, at least not so tactlessly. Considering his best friend was – well, innocent, and also because he has a crush on me. (Though really, what had Taemin expected? It wasn’t like Jongin had ever planned to lose it to him. The mere thought of it made him feel weird.) “Taemin, I'm sorry. Don't be upset…”

“No, I'm just- surprised…”

Jongin nodded, unable to ask what it was he was surprised about. Maybe it just didn’t happen in the country, and that was why. But Jongin wasn’t sure he wanted to know if it was another reason, and he wasn’t equipped to deal with that conversation. Instead, he tried to move on. “Don't worry about that,” he said, patting Taemin’s knee in his best attempt at platonic comfort. “Forget the past. I'm gonna spend Christmas with you this year, if you'll let me.”

Taemin gave a small smile, though Jongin could still see the thoughts whirring in his eyes. “Of course I will...”

“Good,” Jongin told him, forcefully cheerful. “Then don't worry. I'll make it up to you this year.”

He meant this. Jongin had ruined Taemin’s last two Christmases, he was fairly sure – ignoring him blatantly last year (and now Taemin knew why, which probably only made him feel that much worse…), plus breaking the news of him leaving the year before that. This year, they would have a good Christmas.

There was silence for a while, which tended to be dangerous with Taemin. Silence after a serious conversation usually pointed to one thing: he was thinking. Sure enough, he eventually piped up with questions.

“Why did you break up then? It wasn't long after…”

Taemin was observant. Sometimes, he had the memory of a fish, but his attention to detail was unmatched. No doubt he had been reviewing the timeline in his mind; less than two weeks had passed after Christmas when Jongin and his ex had suddenly broken up. With the new knowledge of what they had been doing that evening, it would have seemed rather strange.

Jongin chuckled. “Because of that, honestly,” he admitted, feeling oddly shy discussing this with Taemin. With his other friends, he always just wanted to show off his experience if he brought it up, but there was nothing like that when it came to Taemin. “We both realized we were too young and it felt too serious. We couldn't handle it. It kinda turned me off dating since,” he added, explaining why he’d stayed single ever since. “I just wanna enjoy being young while I still am, not rush into adulthood so quickly.” Though he was ready for a lot of things – independence, partying, (legal) alcohol – Jongin wasn’t necessarily trying to do mature things yet.

For another moment, Taemin pondered over his answer. Then he asked, “Do you regret it?”

Regret? Jongin thought about it, answering honestly. “A little, but not really. At least I have the experience now.” It had gotten him off the hook in his friend group, and he hadn’t been the last one to do it at least. “But I'm not in a hurry to do it again. I'll wait until I'm in a more serious relationship…”

He decided to omit the part where he had done it again, before Taemin had moved in. Another one-time thing, a one-night stand from a party. That had been an experiment for him; if being in a relationship hadn’t been the answer, maybe a stranger would be a better choice, he’d thought. But he had quickly found that to be even worse (not that he hadn’t enjoyed it, but it was as equally awkward as his first time). From then on, he’d decided it wasn’t for him. He needed to grow up first, be in a more mature relationship. There was no rush.

“So I guess you’re still saving yours then?” he prodded Taemin, deciding to shift the focus off of himself before the other could ask any more questions.

The question had Taemin’s cheeks flushing warm pink. Ah, so easy. His innocence sure was endearing. “Wh- what? Of course I am. I’m waiting until marriage…”

That was to be expected. But then, Jongin thought on it. “Wait – how’s that going to work? You’re gay, you can’t get married…”

Things fell silent yet again. And then, it was like a balloon popped. Taemin blinked a few times, expression falling, and it quickly became clear that he was just realizing this too.

“Oh… I- hadn’t thought of that…”

He sounded crushed, staring at the floor as the awareness occurred. As quick as Jongin had messed things up, he attempted to fix them by throwing his arm around Taemin and rubbing his back in comfort. “It’s alright,” he said softly. “You’ll figure it out… I mean, you’re already breaking one rule, it can’t hurt to break two, right?”

This was not the right thing to say. “I shouldn’t even be breaking one,” Taemin mumbled, voice sounding watery as his eyes filled with tears. God, why am I like this? Jongin wished he could be like his mother, who always knew how to comfort people. Who had he inherited his absolute idiotic ways from, and why was it his father? As if Taemin would want to hear a joke right now, when this was something really important and heavy on him.

Rather than say anything more, Jongin decided to just shut his mouth and hug Taemin in silence. At least that way, he couldn’t make things worse.

*

Normally, it was Taemin who seemed to ponder over their conversations for days after they happened. But sometimes, just sometimes, Jongin would too. This was one of those times.

Particularly, the way Taemin was… saving himself? After his own experience, Jongin didn’t think it was such a bad call. But… what if he didn’t get married for another ten years? Well – he couldn’t get married at all. And from the way Taemin had said it, it sort of seemed like… maybe he just wouldn’t lose his ity. He didn’t want to sin further, after all… Would Taemin really just spend his whole life never having ?

Part of this seemed fitting. Taemin was so innocent, and Jongin worried he might be tainted if he experienced those things. How cute would it be if he just… stayed a little ball of sunshine his whole life? At the same time though, how much would it change him, really? He was a good person by nature, it wasn’t like would change him into some cruel, unwholesome demon (though that was probably what the church wanted him to believe).

No. Jongin decided that Taemin would have to experience it. Someday, somehow. He would find someone perfect for him, fly them to another country to get married if he had to.

But this was a future worry. Jongin had other, more present worries. Well, they weren’t worries yet; just curiosities, but that was subject to change…

“Hey, Taemin…”

It was not an easy subject to broach. They were lying in bed, which made it that much more awkward. Jongin had already spent a minute just trying to open his mouth though, and time was always short with Taemin once his head had hit the pillow. Jongin had been counting his breaths, and they’d started getting slower, and he just needed to speak. So he did.

Miraculously, Taemin responded – groggy but at least still conscious. “Hm?”

Good, caught him. But that had been the easy part.

“Um, random question,” he said very softly, afraid his mother might hear despite the wall between them. Taemin hummed again, sounding slightly more alert. Jongin was grateful to be lying on his back, staring up at the ceiling rather than having to face his friend. “I just… I’m curious.”

“About what?” Taemin lifted his head to peek at him, no doubt questioning what Jongin was struggling so hard to spit out. No, no, please don’t look at me right now. I can’t look you in the eye when I’m thinking about this… Not when it always felt like Taemin could see directly into his soul.

“Um… do you ever, like…” Don’t be awkward, or you’ll make it awkward. He talked with his other friends about this stuff. But Taemin’s different. “…?”

“…What?”

“I mean- I’m wondering because I never see you do it and after we talked the other day it made me wonder if that’s off-limits for you too.” His words came tumbling out in a rush, needing to explain himself so Taemin didn’t just think he was some weirdo who thought about his friends doing those kinds of things.

“I- I…” Taemin was at a loss for words, no doubt fairly embarrassed about this topic himself. It was a rather personal question, after all. “Well- I’ve never seen you do that, either…”

This was a reasonable point. “Yeah. I guess, I don’t do it when you’re here either…” Jongin confessed. Sometimes the urge did strike while his best friend was around, but he never actually did it while they were in the same room.

“…does that mean you do when I’m not?”

Jongin blushed just a little. “Of course, these things need to be taken care of. It’s normal.” It was normal, he told himself, and nothing to be shy about. They were teenagers, they had hormones.

Taemin seemed less sure. “Is it?” His voice was almost inaudible, but Jongin nodded very certainly in assurance. “I- I don’t…”

What?! “Is that a sin too!?” Jongin wondered, voice raising in shock. His hand quickly slapped itself over his mouth, but the shock did not die down. No wonder he has the purity levels of a child. “God, what can you do?”

“It’s-” Taemin fanned his face, no doubt wide awake now as he shook his head. “It’s not necessarily a sin. I asked a priest about it, when I was younger. It’s just… a waste.”

A… what? For a minute, Jongin lay there, mouth half-open, torn between speaking and trying to process the words that had just come out of Taemin’s mouth. He was so taken aback that he couldn’t even be curious about what age Taemin had asked someone about this. Finally, he let out a stunned laugh. “Huh? You’re joking, right?”

Silence.

He was not joking.

Oh my god… “I… Taemin, you do realize…” Jongin took a deep breath. No. Of course he didn’t. Who would have ever taught him these things? “You produce like… millions of every day. How many women are you trying to impregnate? Because you could literally have a child with every woman in the country. But also… what are you saving it for anyway? I was under the impression you wouldn’t be using it for any girls…”

His words fell onto further silence, though this time it was Taemin who was the stunned one. Jongin could practically hear the gears grinding in his mind as he processed it, and he had to turn to look at the older in slightly pained amusement. Taemin wore a far-off expression, frozen with his brow slightly furrowed, and Jongin could almost imagine the little Loading… sign over his head.

An eternity passed, Taemin’s system update seeming to be complete. “Is… is that true?”

“Yes,” Jongin promised. He wasn’t exactly sure on the numbers, but the sentiment was there. Why do I have to be the one to educate you on this? “Yes it is.”

“Oh…”

More silence. Jongin would’ve given anything to be in Taemin’s head at that moment. “Life-changing, huh? Do I need to give you some alone time?”

“What?! No!”

This time, Jongin had to cover Taemin’s mouth, shushing him and gesturing in the direction of his mother’s room. Taemin bit his lip as Jongin pulled his hand away.

“Are you telling me you’ve never..?” There was no way, right?

“I- I have. Once or twice…” Taemin mumbled, eyes actively avoiding Jongin’s face now.

So twice. At least twice. But even that wasn’t a lot. “Don’t you ever- feel the need?” Jongin wondered next, curiosity burning him up at this point. He couldn’t even feel ashamed in asking, he just needed to know. How was Taemin surviving?

“N-no. I feel- a want, maybe, sometimes, but… I dunno, I restrain myself.”

Insane. He’s insane. I love that for him… “Well,” Jongin said, not really sure what there was to tell him. “Maybe you should sometime. It relieves stress and all.”

Taemin laughed weakly. “I’m not stressed…”

“Please,” Jongin scoffed in return. “You’re in college. You study and work, plus you live with me. You come home exhausted on a regular basis, don’t tell me you’re not stressed.” His fingers reached up to trace the frown lines on Taemin’s forehead, certain they hadn’t even existed when they first met. Then he shook his head, extending his arm to pat the part of Taemin’s shoulder he could most easily reach. “Not forcing you though. Do what you want.”

It wasn’t that he was trying to pressure Taemin into it. That would be weird; at the same time though, the fact that Taemin didn’t was already weird. Religious people are wild, Jongin concluded, grateful that he hadn’t been raised into that life.

“Anyway, go to sleep,” he mumbled after concluding the thoughts in his mind. His curiosities had been satisfied. “Sorry for being awkward, I don’t have any more questions now.”

Taemin gave a small chuckle, rolled over, and tried to fall asleep too. For once, though, he laid awake longer than Jongin. Thinking. Thinking. Thinking. Eventually, he drifted into uneasy dreams.

Author's Note: This felt a liiittle bit like a filler again, but it also had some pretty significant bombshells. Anyone suspect Jongin to have already lost his v-card? (Should I add this slight - that is, ignoring Taemin on *Christmas* to get it in - to the list of things you guys won't forgive Jongin for?😅) And is anyone surprised Taemin hasn't? (No? Me neither.) But maybe Taemin's purity levels were a little unexpected. Do you think he's lying? And will Jongin's important life lesson change his viewpoint on things?
Anyway, I say this is filler, but I dropped so many little details relevant to the past and future, I'm actually just a liar. I hope you guys enjoyed getting to eavesdrop on their little conversations ♡ There wasn't much action, but I promise the next chapter should more than make up for it~ Let me know what you guys think! Special shoutout to Sharo001 and Djatasma who always fill the comments. Hoping everyone can join them so they don't feel so lonely! 😅