Sometimes, the pressure is too much.  She doesn't know how to be a leader.  She’s the maknae of the family, and her friends treat her like a baby because of her bubbly personality and short height. She was never prepared to lead.  She feels out of place. It’s suffocating. 

Byulyi makes it look so effortless, the way she’s able to maneuver between being a friend the trainees can talk to, to being a leader they can follow.  And they do follow her.  They listen to her, take her words seriously, and follow her.  

She doesn’t understand why they picked her as the leader.  Byulyi should have been the leader.  The trainees don't care that Yongsun is older at all.  But she was given the role of the leader, so she’ll do just that, she’ll lead. 

—----------

The group is getting smaller, as the company starts to weed out those unworthy of debut. 

Yongsun is still learning to lead.  She’s too strict.  Too harsh.  Too mean.  Too professional.  She knows all that, she hears it when they talk, thinking she’s too far to hear.  

They never do it around Byulyi.  Well they did once, but Byulyi shut them down, “don’t be too hard on her, she has a lot of pressure.”  

What does she know about pressure?  She’s well loved by everyone in the company, from the trainees to the CEO himself.  Byulyi will succeed, she has the talent and charisma for it.  

Yongsun is a good singer, she knows that, but that’s all.  There’s so many good singers and dancers out there that don't make it.  The ones that do make it, it’s their personality and presence that gives them the big break, and Yongsun just doesn't have that.  

But she’s trying to be good, to be the leader they need, so that they’ll all succeed.  But when a trainee get cut from the official line up, it’s Byulyi who they turn to for comfort, it’s Byulyi who encourages them.

It should frustrate her, how little these trainees care for her leadership, or guidance.  At first, it does.  It really did annoy her.  She initially saw Byulyi as someone who’s undermining her position. But as time passes, she begins to see that Byulyi is actually helping her.

When practice is going all wrong, and the frustration starts to build up, it’s Byulyi who notices and encourages the others to keep going.  When she gets berated by the trainers because she's the leader, it’s Byulyi who stays behind, and silently walks with her for a bit on her walk home, a silent support, without saying anything.  When the others get a bit too mad at her for pushing them too much, it’s Byulyi who steps up and calms them down. 

It is Byulyi who does all these things.  She’s keeping the balance and in the process, slowly showing Yongsun how to lead.  

Yongsun learns, from the way Byulyi would catch her eye in the mirror before standing up and joking around with the others to calm them down.  The way Byulyi would stay behind to wait for her to finish, then ask her about her day afterwards, like she wasn’t there for most of it.  

Byulyi is the steady presence holding her up. Byulyi helps her breathe. She’s thankful for it.  

—-----

It’s just four of them now, and they’re pretty much locked in.  They know there will be no more cutting.  This is it.  4 girls with a dream so within grasp. 

But then it almost all went wrong. 

Yongsun learned a lot from her.  She learns how to listen, how to stand back and watch, how to notice.  All of that, she used, when Byulyi came back to their rooftop house after a meeting with the CEO.  She sees the way Byulyi's smile doesn't reach her eyes, the sadness she hides between her jokes, the tiredness that clings to her even as she proposes they make another toast. 

When the kitchen was clean, and the kids were asleep, Yongsun silently went outside, knowing Byulyi would follow.  

They’re sitting next to each other, arms touching, gazing at the empty neighborhood below.

“What’s wrong?” 

“Hm?” 

“You’re sad.  What happened at the meeting?” 

Byulyi sighed, and told her everything. They told Byulyi to rap.  Apparently, 4 singers in a group is too much, too…artist, not enough ‘idol’.  She needs to learn to rap in 6 months or she gets cut.  Because apparently, 3 singers in a group is perfectly okay, but not four. 

Yongsun felt anger coursing through her, but she temper it down. The younger girl doesn't need her anger down, she needs her unnie.  Yongsun knows how hard it is for Byulyi to talk to her, the younger girl grew up as the oldest in her family, bottling her emotions for her younger sisters was an everyday occurrence.  It took a lot for Yongsun to become the one Byulyi can depend on, and she’s not about to let the younger girl down. 

Yongsun held her as she silently cry.  She doesn't speak, not yet.  

“I don't know how to rap.” 

“Not yet.  You’re Moon Byul Yi.  You are always the quickest to learn new techniques and skills, this won't be any different.  You’ll be amazing.  Soon, you’ll be the Asian Eminem.” 

“I…rather not.” 

“No? What about Kendrick? Jay-Z? Snoop? Andre 3000? Nas?” 

“I don't even know half of those names.”

“Well, good thing you have me.  I’ll teach you all about hip-hop.”

“You? Really?” Byulyi asks, a true smile back on her face instead of the fake ones from earlier.

“Yeah!  I wanted to be a rapper you know?  Yo!  Yo yo! Kim Yong Sun is here! Yo!”

Byulyi laughs at her ridiculous unnie as Yongsun continues to badly imitate western rappers.  

She should be embarrassed but she’s not.  Not when Byulyi is laughing and smiling, not when she can feel it in her bones, she is finally someone the girls can lean on. She’s feeling like she can breathe without help. 

—------

She’s right of course.  Byulyi is amazing. Her rapping technique is unlike any other.  She can write rap verse for any genre, her word play is perfect, and her control over her tone means she can match in with any song.  

It’s amazing to hear the screams of their fans when it’s Byulyi's turn. 

Her natural charisma is only enhanced by being a rapper.  She commands the stage in the few lines she has. It’s her rap that people remember.  It’s her that people remember. 

But at the end of the day, it’s her that Byulyi turns to.  When Byulyi is shy on stage, she turns to her leader, hiding behind her.  When she’s nervous, Yongsun would feel her hand gently touching her, seeking steadiness.  More importantly, it’s Yongsun she looks to when she’s writing lyrics and needs input. 

Yongsun, who has steadily become Byulyi’s the pillar of support, the same way Byulyi has been for her.  

Yongsun notices the looks, and small touches, the devotion the girl has towards her.  Byulyi really does wear her heart on her sleeve.  Or maybe Yongsun is just really good at noticing things now. 

Byulyi taught her to look at what everyone around her is feeling and to react accordingly.  

What she’s about to do is not appropriate, but Yongsun, while a good student, always had a rebellious streak. 

So when Byulyi looks up from her lyrics, her eyes trailing up Yongsun’s face before settling on her eyes, Yongsun acts.  

She pulls the girl in for a kiss, melting everything into it.  When she pulls back, and Byulyi follows, she laughs. 

Finally, finally, she can taste the air she lost when they first made her the leader and suffocated her. 

When byulyi leans in for another kiss, she happily obliges.  Who needs air when you have Byulyi.

 

A/N - Hiii everyone!  it's been a WHILE... i know i'm sorry!  A lot happened in my life these pass few months.  it is slightly slowing down but not back to normal yet.  Anyway lots of new MMM content since i last post my goodness these girls don't slow down!  I'm loving it even though my wallet is angry at me lol!  

For those going to Germany for Kpop flex - have fun!! Cheer extra loud for those of us at home, thanks!!