Taeyeon almost got up from the bed to check whether Jessica was in her living room. But it sounds so quiet out there and there was no signs about someone’s presence outside her bed room. Taeyeon sat on the edge of her bed, scoffing and smiling bitterly. Yeah, there is no way Jessica stayed with her. What she could expect, she also left when she took care Jessica when the girl was drunk. Does she think Jessica won’t do the same?

She took her phone and realized that she has not replied Heize message last night. She tried to call Heize and after three failed calls, finally Heize picked it up.

*****

Jessica just came back to Taeyeon’s apartment with breakfast that she bought from the restaurant near to Taeyeon’s place. When she walked towards Taeyeon’s bedroom, she heard Taeyeon was talking to someone. Jessica halted her step and kept quiet. She could not help to listening what Taeyeon said to know who was Taeyeon talking to.

‘I am sorry, baby. Yeah I know… I am sorry I didn’t tell you before about Jessica. But trust me, there is nothing going in between me and her right now’

Jessica’s heart pounding so hard. Taeyeon must’ve been talking to Heize and they were talking about her. She swallowed, anticipated on what Taeyeon would say next.

‘I guess I still hold the grudge against her. There was an unfinished business between us but I really don’t want to finish it anyway. I don’t. That’s why I was mumbling her name. But it didn’t mean anything, I swear to God it didn’t mean anything.’

Jessica’s heart dropped. So, it didn’t mean anything to Taeyeon? What was Taeyeon trying to do? Why would she called Heize? The sound of Taeyeon begging to Heize on the phone hurts her. Taeyeon sounded like a different person now. Where was Taeyeon who acting so sweet towards her last night? Jessica bit her lips, trying to hold her tears.

‘I just want you. Trust me. I really wish that I find you here beside me this morning. But …’

Jessica could not take it anymore. She barged into Taeyeon’s room, startling Taeyeon. Taeyeon looked shock seeing Jessica’s sudden appearance in front of her. Jessica stared darkly at her, gritted her teeth.

Taeyeon quickly ended the call, reasoning that her manager came into her house and promise to call Heize back later. She gulped. She didn’t even expect that Jessica was there.

Jessica stayed. But Taeyeon still didn’t know what her intention was.

They were staring at each other in an awkward silence. Until Jessica raised her hand, showing Taeyeon the food that she just bought.

“I bought you a breakfast.”, she stated coldly, then she just threw the breakfast which is still in the plastic box to Taeyeon’s bed carelessly.

“I --- I thought you left.”

Jessica shook her head. “No. I am staying. Because you asked me to last night.”

Taeyeon didn’t say anything. Her tongue felt numb.

“What was that?”, Jessica asked, pointing to the phone that was still on Taeyeon’s hand.

“I ---- “, Taeyeon tried to talk, but her words stuck on . Jessica caught her in the act. But Taeyeon didn’t know how to feel. Does she need to say sorry? But what for? Jessica was not even her girlfriend.

“You’re such an , Taeyeon.”, Jessica gritted her teeth again, her face looked red due to her anger. She scoffed. “You begged me to stay last night and then first thing in the morning you begged her for her forgiveness?”

Taeyeon was confused how to answer that question, there were lots of thing in her head. She knew why she did that. Her fear, that Jessica would never be hers again, that Jessica would leave her alone, that Jessica will be still Jessica who chose her career over her. Taeyeon had found someone better, but Jessica will always be the best of everything for her.  

“I hurt her.”, Taeyeon said weakly. Then she lowered her head, afraid to meet Jessica’s eyes.

"So you are disappointed to see me this morning? Because you prefer to see her face?", Jessica asked, she raised her eyebrows. 

"I prefer to see her face. Rather than I see you when I know you will leave afterwards.", Taeyeon finally replied. She lifted up her face, meeting Jessica's gaze. 

“So it didn’t mean anything? When you were calling my name and everything you told me last night? It didn’t mean anything to you??”, Jessica started to raise her voice, letting out her anger.

Taeyeon snorted. “What’s the difference anyway?? If I said it means everything then what’s the difference it could make? Nothing, Sica. Nothing! We will still be --- Nothing!!”

Finally Taeyeon fired back. Venting out her feelings to Jessica.

“I am out of here.”, Jessica quickly turned her body and walked out from Taeyeon’s room.

“Sica! Wait!!”, Taeyeon chased her, stood up from the bed in hurry and grabbed Jessica’s wrist. Preventing the CEO to walk away from her.

“What do you want Taeyeon???!!”, Jessica yanked her hand and screamed to her face. “WHAT DO YOU WANT????”

“I WANT YOU, SICA!! ONLY YOU!!”, Taeyeon snapped and was screaming back. It was so frustrated when she didn’t know how to deal with her feelings for Jessica.

“Then what was that? Why did you call her and say all of those things????”, Jessica retorted. She really felt Taeyeon was playing with her heart. 

“Because I know that I can’t have you, Sica!!!”, Taeyeon could not hold it any longer. Her fear, her wound, even her tears already streaming down her face. She loved Jessica so much until it hurts. “So what if you’re staying? So what if you’re single now? So what if you love me? It won’t change anything. You would never choose me. Why would I stay with someone who doesn’t even choose me for her life?”

Jessica’s mouth dropped open. She didn’t expect Taeyeon would be so honest this time. Oh how she wanted to be with Taeyeon for the rest of her life.

“Taeyeon --- I really want to be with you. You know how much I love you --- but –“

Taeyeon scoffed and chuckled sarcastically. “But --- Yeah I know when it comes to you, there is always a ‘but’ coming”

“It’s not that, Taeyeon!! Uurrghhhh ---- Tyler threatened me that he will spread the news about you and me. He wanted to disclose about our affair!”

Jessica finally decided to get honest to Taeyeon, hoping Taeyeon would get softened after she heard the reason. But apparently, Taeyeon didn’t budge, not even a little bit. The kid leader just stared at her in silent.

“Did you hear what I just said?”, Jessica asked again. “Do you know how bad it will be if he does that? Our career will finish, Taeyeon!! Yours and mine!! And I can’t do that to you!!”

Taeyeon smiled wearily. “You can’t do that to me or you can’t do that to yourself?”

Jessica almost choked when she heard Taeyeon's question just now. Maybe it's true what Taeyeon said, maybe Jessica was not thinking about Taeyeon and only thinking about herself, about her career.

“I ---“

“This has nothing to do with him, Sica. Even without him threatening you like that, you always have that fear, being in a relationship with a woman or in this case, with me. You don’t love me enough to fight for our relationship, to fight half of the world for us, like you said to me years ago when you broke up with me.”

Taeyeon’s words stabbed Jessica like a knife, making her broke her defenses and she began to shed tears. Tears that represent love in the midst of confusion and feelings that never faded away towards this one person she loves so dearly.

“You never love me enough to fight together with me.”, Taeyeon continue, which made Jessica’s tears flowing more and more.

“You’re not afraid of what could happen if the world knows about us?”, Jessica asked in between her sobbing.

Taeyeon sighed as she shook her head. “I don’t if I know that you will stay beside me and fight with me. But I don’t want to be with someone who didn’t even want to fight together. I can’t do that alone.”

Jessica dropped her knee on the floor and covered her face with her hands, still sobbing. It hurts when she could not give what Taeyeon want, it hurts when she could not even say a promise that Taeyeon wish to hear. She loved Taeyeon very much, but she was not that strong and it consumed her until she was exhausted of this thing with Taeyeon.

“You better leave, Sica.”, Taeyeon said, almost like a whisper. It was really hard to her to ask Jessica to leave, it always has been. But this was a dead-end. They could spend hours to talk about their feelings but Taeyeon already knew where it could end. It will lead to nothing.

“Please don’t go back together with her.”, Jessica said weakly.

“What???”, Taeyeon widened her eyes, could not believe what she just heard.

“Please – don’t.. “, Jessica was quite shock herself when she heard that words slipped from . She knew asking that was too much, a selfish act. But she could not take it when Taeyeon was someone else’s. Jessica must have lost her mind.   

“Do you hear yourself?? Are you crazy???”, Taeyeon bent her brows as she glanced to Jessica.

Jessica quickly stood up from the floor. “I can’t, Taeyeon. It’s killing me when you have someone else. Do you know that it hurts me when you have a girlfriend?”

Hearing what Jessica just said making Taeyeon got angry. How could Jessica said that? “You cant prevent me to date someone else!!! Don’t talk like that!! You don’t even want to be mine but you prohibit me to have a girlfriend??”

“Taeyeon –“

“STOP HURTING US BOTH!!”, Taeyeon yelled as she flung her free hand in the air.  

That did it. Jessica went silent. It should be enough hurt between them. But she could not stop. She could not bring herself away from Taeyeon.

“Just --- just go.”, Taeyeon finally said in her weak voice. She was tired. How many times they need to do this over and over again?

“No. Taeyeon. I don’t want to go.”, Jessica was still nagging. She hated it when Taeyeon asked her to leave.

“This is useless, Sica. Just please --- listen to me and just go –“, Taeyeon now were half begging, making Jessica’s heart shattered.

Jessica finally gave up. She wanted to stay, and by staying means staying in Taeyeon’s life. But she was a coward and didn’t even dare to fight for someone she loves. She didn’t know where she could get the courage.

Jessica took her bag on the couch and walked away from Taeyeon’s apartment. Taeyeon just stared at Jessica, seeing Jessica choose to walk away, again. She only wanted one thing, for once, for Jessica to stay. But it seemed impossible, Jessica could never give her that.  

When Jessica closed the door behind her, she could not even bring her feet to walk away from Taeyeon’s place. She was just stood there like a statue. She didn’t want to leave. Everything was always wonderful when she was with Taeyeon, like her life never been so bright when she knew Taeyeon was there for her.

Jessica fell sitting right in front of Taeyeon's door, crying for the umpteenth time. She didn’t know how long she cried when her phone suddenly ringing.

It was Tyler.

“What do you want?”, Jessica snapped when she picked up the call.

“Slow down, baby. Are you okay? You sound ---- are you crying?”, Tyler sweet voice could be heard. But of course Jessica felt like she wanted to puke when she heard him.

“Don’t call me baby! I am not your girlfriend anymore.”, Jessica snorted.

“Have you given a thought about what I said?”, Tyler asked. Jessica could sense that he might be smirking on the other line.

“It’s not fair, Tyler. Why would you do that to me?”

“Time is ticking, Jess. I’ve waited long enough. I am in front of my computer right now. All I need to do is click the send button and voila --- in 10 minutes everybody will know about you and Taeyeon.”

“What????”

“I need an answer now. Yes or no?”

It was silent. Time seemed to stop. Jessica was forced to make a choice now. Her mind was racing, confused to make a choice. Millions of thoughts clouded her head, counting all the probability of what kind situation she would face if she provides her answer.

She didn’t want to go back with Tyler, but what choice she had now?

Or maybe, for once, she should listen to what her heart wants?