Jessica was spacing out in her own world, playing with the fork in her hand without touching her food. She was having dinner with her boyfriend at Clareau, but since they arrived, her boyfriend noticed that Jessica didn’t talk, she didn’t even uttered a word and just kept quiet the whole time.

“Jess. Are you okay?”, Tyler asked.

Jessica didn’t budge and it seemed that she didn’t really hear it. Her mind was simply not there.

“Jess! Hey!!”, Tyler called again, waving his hand in front of Jessica’s face. Which finally took Jessica’s attention back to the reality.

“Are you okay? You look ---- unwell.”, Tyler repeated his questions. He noticed that there was something wrong about Jessica. She was there, looking pretty like usual with her full make-up and nice clothes, but her gaze looked so wistful and soulless.

Jessica forced a smile and shook her head. “I am okay.”

Tyler narrowed his eyes, noticing another something different in her eyes. “Have you been crying? Your eyes are swollen.”

“I am just – lack of sleep. Too much work lately.”, Jessica lied. It was true that she had been crying non-stop since Taeyeon left. Taeyeon left, and she took a part of Jessica with her. Jessica just --- broken hearted.

Tyler didn’t know how to respond. He was quite sure that Jessica was hiding something from him. He recognized those eyes was clearly swollen due to the crying not because of lack of sleep.

“Jess, I know you. You can tell me what’s wrong, I am here for you.”

Instead of feeling touched because of Tyler’s nice gesture, Jessica felt irritated of his questions. She already opened and almost spilled out that she had been cheating on him, betrayed him and even loving someone else so deeply. She could not held it anymore and it was just torturing her inside.

But then she realized where she was, at Clareau, one of the business that she built together with him. She could not just blurted out everything she did with Taeyeon to Tyler. Things would get complicated and Jessica was so done with any complicated stuffs.  The steady relationship, the business with him, she could not risk it.

She sighed. “I just – I think I need a little break. Maybe I need to take a vacation with Krystal.”

I just need some Taeyeon. Jessica thought in her head and Taeyeon’s face was all over her mind again.

“Okay.”, Tyler nodded. “Take all the vacation you need. Let me know if you need anything, okay.”

******

The vacation didn’t happen that quickly as there were piles of work that Jessica had to handle. She needed to prepare the summer collection for her business clothing line and she had to shoot many CF too. During the day, not bad, her workload could make her forget about Taeyeon. The hardest part was when she about to go to bed, when her mind wandering around, the thought of Taeyeon always filled her head. The glimpse of memories she shared with Taeyeon, when they were young and in love, when they were happy in a steady relationship, the break-up, the affair, everything always came back in her mind.

She hate to admit it, but she was miserable without Taeyeon. But life must goes on, right? She could not weeping about Taeyeon every now and then. Jessica knew being apart from Taeyeon was the best method to forget about her, like she used to when they broke up the first time. Jessica decided to move out from SNSD’s dorm, although her members didn’t really agree to it at first, to save SNSD’s bond. 

Flashback

All members, excluding Taeyeon, widened their eyes when Jessica told them that she wanted to move out from the dorm and back living with her parents. They were gathering around at the dorm after they finished their schedule since Jessica said she had an announcement to make.

“But – Unnie – you don’t need to do that. I mean, we can figure this out together. Besides, we no longer have many schedules together. I don’t think you – and Taeyeon unnie – will see each other that much.”, Yoona tried to argue.

“Please, Sica – I know this is a bad situation between you two. But can you just be professionals about this? Don’t make your problem ruin SNSD relationships.”, Sooyoung chimed in.

Jessica shook her head. “That’s the point, Sooyoung. I am doing this for the sake of SNSD, to save our bond. It’s too hard for me to be in the same room with Taeyeon – “, Jessica took a glance to Taeyeon, who just staring at her in silent. “It’s too emotional. I need to be alone. I already think this through and if I am only see her in our schedule, it would help me a lot. Lesser the tension between us.”

“You never had the same schedule with her. You will only meet her when the nine of us have schedule. What’s the different?”, Yuri supplied, voicing her protest. The others also followed in agreement.

“But – if I stay at the dorm, there will be chance that I will --- uh bump into her in the morning – maybe – it’s uh –“

“Let her be.”, suddenly words slipped from Taeyeon’s mouth, which made everybody went into a silent. “You can leave the dorm.”

Everybody was looking at Taeyeon in disbelief.

“Taeyeon!!”, Tiffany frowned and glared at her, clearly disapprove of Taeyeon’s agreement to let Jessica leave the dorm.

Taeyeon just shrugged her shoulder. “She wants to leave the dorm. We can’t force her to stay. Maybe it is for the best.”

Taeyeon said flatly. Then she stood up and went to her room. Thinking that she will no longer be able to see Jessica everyday, just see her whenever they have schedule together, clearly disappoint Taeyeon. She wanted to beg for Jessica to stay, but what’s the point? Seeing Jessica everyday also make it difficult to heal her wound. It was never easy for Taeyeon when it comes about Jessica.

“Are you sure about this?”, Hyoyeon asked and looking at Jessica.

Jessica smiled weakly. “No I am not. But I know I have to do this.”

Jessica could not imagine her life without seeing her members, especially Taeyeon, everyday. Almost of her teenage years she spent it with them. She knew her life would change and she might feel lonely, but this was the only way if she wanted to keep the stability of SNSD’s relationship among each other’s. She was the one who caused this, she was the one who chose to break up with Taeyeon and made everything fell apart between them.  

Deep inside her heart, there was a piece where Jessica wanted Taeyeon to ask her to stay. But why would she wished for that? It won’t make any difference anyway. And keep seeing Taeyeon would just make her heart even broken each day. With Taeyeon, everything seemed to be harder.  

Flashback End   

Jessica finally got her vacation 3 months after. But her time was quite limited so she and Krystal decided that they went to Jeju Island for a short vacation. It was so relaxing finally when they arrived in Jeju, the sisters enjoyed their breakfast together, had a nice swimming at the hotel pool, playing at the beach and all. Krystal had been helpful lately, never asked once about Taeyeon and just listen to Jessica when her sister cried or wanted to share her feelings.

The last day of their vacation, Jessica and Krystal went out to have a nice lunch before they go back to Seoul.  The restaurant staff was so friendly and recognized them so he quickly found a table for those two. But when Jessica walked towards their designated table, she saw her.

Taeyeon.

Jessica blinked and again, as if she got shocked with an electricity. She thought she was hallucinating but she knew, she could recognize that figure. She never wronged about Taeyeon. 

Taeyeon was there. And she was not alone, she was with a girl.

Jessica halted her step and just froze at her spot.

“Unnie? What’s wrong?”, Krystal asked in confuse when Jessica stopped walking.

Jessica moved closer and whispered in Krystal’s ear. “Omg Krys!! Taeyeon is here. There, look.” Jessica pointed her chin to the table at the right corner and Krystal followed her direction. Krystal could see a fear in Jessica’s eyes.

“Omg, Soojung-ah what do I do??? Okay, let’s get out here!! I don’t want to see her. Let’s go.”, Jessica grabbed Krystal’s hand in panic, her leg already felt like a jelly.

Out of every place in this world, why on earth Taeyeon must be at the same restaurant with her now? Jessica never had a plan to chase Taeyeon again and Taeyeon didn’t do the same either. But why the universe made them meet again?!

“Relax, Unnie. She doesn’t see us. It’s fine –“

“No!!”, Jessica whispered louder this time. “Come on lets go – I don’t want to be here!”

Jessica spun around her body too quickly, without noticing that there was a waiter behind her walking with trays and plates on her hand. And just like that, Jessica bumped into the waiter, hard and the waiter dropped the plates down and it broke. The broken plates sound when it hit the floor was so loud that made everyone in the restaurant turn their attention to her. Including Taeyeon.

Jessica gasped in shock. She covered with her hand when she just realized what she had done.

“Oh my God! I am sorry!! I am so so sorry! I didn’t see – Uh I am sorry. I will pay for the plate and everything, really I am sorry.”, Jessica bowed and kept saying sorry to the waiter, trying to help her by collecting the pieces but the waiter said it was okay and smiled. The waiter excused herself to get a broom and maybe a mop to clean it. When the waiter passed through her, then it was the time when their eyes met.

Taeyeon was looking at her direction. No. Taeyeon was looking at her.

As if the time has stopped, Jessica once again glued on her spot. As if she could see Taeyeon’s eyes closely even though clearly there was distance between her and Taeyeon’s table. A silence between them. Jessica could recognize the girl next to Taeyeon. Jang Da-hye, or public knew her as Heize. Is that the woman Taeyeon called ‘gorgeous’ then? Jessica didn’t know and she didn’t want to know.

Taeyeon showed signs of getting up from her chair and Jessica unconsciously took a step back. Before Taeyeon could stood up, suddenly Jessica was snapped back when she felt Krystal already grabbed her arm.

“I already pay for the plates and everything. Let’s go, Unnie.”, then Krystal quickly dragged Jessica towards the door of the restaurant. Even when she walked out, Jessica still could felt that Taeyeon was still looking at her.

Taeyeon was still stunned. Could not believe her eyes. Jessica was here, in Jeju, in the same island with her, the same restaurant with her. She was really close, yet felt so far away. She gulped and she could not even avert her eyes until Jessica disappeared from her sight.

“Are you alright?”, suddenly a warm hand touched her hand.

“Ah – Yes. Sorry I got distracted.”, Taeyeon reasoned and smiled.

“Isn’t that Jessica unnie? Why don’t you say hi to her?”, Heize asked again casually.

“She seemed to be in hurry. So – I didn’t manage to catch her and say hi.”, Taeyeon replied.

This conversation about Jessica made her uncomfortable. She just want to stop knowing anything about Jessica.

“Well, maybe you can call her and ask her to meet. She’s your friend, right? She used to be in SNSD.”

Taeyeon shook her head. “No. Uh – I don’t need to do that.”

Heize chuckled. “So, is the rumour true?”

Taeyeon stare at her and squinted her brows. “What rumor?”

“That you guys hate each other. Well, it’s more like, you hate her.”

Taeyeon just smiled wearily. Hate. Maybe it was right that Taeyeon hated her, but that was because she could made Taeyeon become a fool, stupidly in love and ended up broke her heart. She loves Jessica, her heart screamed love. Maybe she still does.

“I don’t hate her. But we’re just --- you know, our relationship was just professional, not more than that.”

Taeyeon looked at her girlfriend, smiling. She chose to move on, she chose to be happy with someone new when she got the chance. Heize was not Jessica, but she was someone who pulled Taeyeon out from the dark hole when Taeyeon was crushed because of Jessica.

“Let’s just eat, okay?”

Taeyeon looked back at her plate, and she knew she has lost her appetite. The rest of the day was a torment for Taeyeon, she was with her girl but her mind wandering around thinking about one name, Jessica. When she finished the meal and walked around the beach, her eyes unintentionally searching for Jessica. It was odd, she wanted to meet her but at the same time also didn’t want to see her.

Just by one glance, Jessica had successfully wrecked her, again.

******

It was in the evening in Seoul, Taeyeon was with Heize in her car, on the way to watch a movie at Taeyeon’s apartment after they had dinner, when her phone suddenly ringing.

Taeyeon bent her brows when she saw Krystal’s name beeping on her phone.

“Yoboseyo. Soojung-ah, what’s wrong?”, Taeyeon put her earphone as she was driving.

“Unnie, so sorry to call you so sudden like this. Uh, Jessica unnie – she was drunk – like super drunk. And I need your help to come and picked her up.”, Krystal said on the other line.

Taeyeon was confused. “Huh? Why are you asking me?”

“I am still shooting my drama.”

“Then – she must be with her friends, right? Just asked them to bring her home. Or why don’t you call Tyler?”

“Uuhh --- “, Krystal sounded a bit hesitate to answer. “She --- she kept calling your name, mumbling like crazy, rambling about you and asking for you. She was uncontrollable, she became angry and broke glasses because her friends told her they won’t call you.  They didn’t dare to call Tyler oppa because they afraid Unnie will say something --- stupid.”

Krystal’s answer made Taeyeon silence. All kinds of thoughts running through her head. She should not care about this thing, she didn’t want to care about Jessica anymore. But she could not fight what her heart begged her to do. Taeyeon could not lie, there was a little joy when she heard Jessica longing for her like that. She was still human being and she thought it was normal when she had that kind of feeling, at least she knew there were still love left for her in Jessica. 

“I understand if you –“

“Okay.”, Taeyeon replied.

“Really?? Oh thank you so much Unnie!! Let me text you the place okay?”, Krystal sounded so relieve when Taeyeon agreed.

“Is that --- Krystal Jung?”, Heize suddenly asked, right after Taeyeon hung-up the phone.

“How do you ---“

“Just try to pick up the piece here and there. I heard a name Soojung and Tyler. So, I figured --- Uh, something happen?”, she asked again, she could sense that Taeyeon’s mood changed after she picked up Krystal’s call .

Taeyeon didn’t dare to face Heize. She kept driving and looked at the road in front of her. She cleared before she answer. What would she say to her? My ex-girlfriend got drunk and asking about me?

“Uh, well – Jessica --- uuh – Jessica was drunk. I need to come and fetch her, bring her home.”

“Ookaay –“, Heize paused for a moment before she continue her questions, trying to process what was really going on here. She has so many questions in her head. One thing she learned about Taeyeon since they started dating, Taeyeon was fun, dork, charming, but she was a mysterious person. She hid her feelings well and hardly shared about it. It was hard to break her wall.

“I thought you said Jessica unnie is not your friend as in, just a professional relationship. Why would her sister ask you to get her? It sounds you guys are pretty close.”

Taeyeon sighed. Clearly she could not think of any better answer to Heize. “It’s – It’s complicated. Just trust me. She just --- need help. And I am so sorry if I have to cancel our movie night. Will you be okay? I will drop you off to your place okay?”

Heize just stare at Taeyeon, trying to read her. There was a worry drawn on Taeyeon’s face and Heize just realized that Taeyeon drove her car faster. There must be something that Taeyeon didn’t tell her about Jessica. But she chose to believe Taeyeon and decided not to trigger a fight now.

“No worries, baby. I’ll be fine. Just let me know how it goes, okay? And text me when you get home.”

******

Taeyeon must be out of her mind. She abandoned her girlfriend, cancelling their plans, just because she had to pick up her drunk ex-girlfriend. What was she thinking? Taeyeon didn’t know anymore how come she became stupid and stupid a couple more times, only for Jessica.

“Eehh – Uh Hi!”, Taeyeon grinned awkwardly when she met Jessica’s friends at the bar. They were all staring at her, giving a confuse look. Some of them we in surprise to see her sudden appearance. “I – Sooj -- Krystal asked me to get Jessica.”, she added.

“Ah yes. She’s in the toilet, maybe vomiting.”, one of her friend told Taeyeon.

Then after seconds Taeyeon could hear Jessica’s voice, slurring non-sense but she could hear her name being said by Jessica.

“Sica –“, Taeyeon turned and moved closer. Jessica stopped talking immediately when she saw the petite girl and hung opened.

“Omg! Someone’s face change into Taeyeon. I must be so drunk. Am I hallucinating now?”, Jessica turned her head to face Irene, her friend who accompany her threw up in the toilet.

Irene just smiled awkwardly. Didn’t know what to reply.

“It’s me. I am here.”, Taeyeon said again, softly.

Jessica let go of herself from Irene and walked closer to Taeyeon, narrowing the gap between them. She cupped Taeyeon’s cheek with her hand. “It’s really you. H – how? W – what ---“

“Soojung called me, asking me to drive you home. Now, come on.”

Suddenly Jessica pulled Taeyeon in a hug and cried. “I miss you so much, Taenggo. I really miss you.”, she whispered in Taeyeon’s ear.

Taeyeon’s heart sank. Jessica looked like a mess. She was drunk but Taeyeon could feel how much Jessica missed her by the way she hugged her so tightly. Jessica’s friends were still staring at the scene and Taeyeon could feel heat on her face, being the center of attention like that.

“Ah, excuse me. I will take her home, yeah? Thank you for taking care of her.”, Taeyeon bowed a little and excused herself. She supported Jessica’s body by circling her hand on Jessica’s waist, guiding her out from the bar.  

“That girl Heize --- Is that your girlfriend? Is that the girl who you called gorgeous?”, Jessica asked all of sudden, when they were in the car.

Taeyeon just kept quiet and driving.  Hearing no answer from Taeyeon, Jessica knew, her guess was right. When Taeyeon was afraid to tell the truth, she will just kept quiet. Jessica felt her heart crack, Taeyeon's image with that girl has haunted her since she returned to Seoul from Jeju. She hated it when Taeyeon looked so bright, moving on happily and easily from her. While her on the other side, still struggling to heal her broken heart. It was not fair.

“Why did you come, Tae?”, another questions from Jessica. Taeyeon sighed.

“Because Soojung asked me to.”, she replied it in short. She just wanted to do this quickly, bring Jessica home and then she will go back to her own house.

“Yeah I know. But why did you come? You can say no to her request.”

Another silence from Taeyeon. She just grabbed Jessica’s hand, held it tightly and put it on her lap. She didn’t even know the answer to that question.

“Just go to sleep, Sica.”

Jessica just stared to Taeyeon, admiring her small pretty face. Taeyeon’s hand felt so warm and just felt…so right in her hand. She wanted to be able to hold this hand forever. It was soft, not strong and secured like Tyler’s hand, but this hand can make Jessica’s whole body melted. Then Jessica closed her eyes, but she didn’t really sleep, she just wanted to enjoy Taeyeon’s hand and squeezed it tightly.

Taeyeon put Jessica on her bed once they arrived at her penthouse. She changed Jessica’s clothes as it smelled like vomit. She put an aspirin and water on the side of the bed if the hangover hit Jessica tomorrow when she woke up.  

“Taeyeon –“

Jessica called, right before Taeyeon walked out from the room. Apparently she was not yet asleep.  

“Don’t go. Can you stay? Please ---“

Taeyeon turned her head, looking at Jessica, she was torn hearing Jessica begging her to stay. Taeyeon sighed inwardly. She didn’t say anything, but her leg moved back to join Jessica on the bed. Jessica smiled and quickly snuggled to her.

“Do you still love me?”, Jessica mumbled.

Taeyeon still didn’t say anything. But she kissed Jessica’s crown softly as the answer. Yes, I still love you.

Jessica slept with a smile on her face, she was dreaming about Taeyeon. The next day, Jessica woke up and found nothing when her hand tried to reach someone beside her. Jessica was back to reality. Taeyeon was already gone.