“Geez, Taeyeon! Stop staring at your phone and just text her!”

Taeyeon startled when she heard Hyoyeon scolded her. She just realized that maybe she has been staring at her phone for 10 minutes.

“You keep doing the same thing for years. Just --- do it!”, Tiffany added. Her tone indicated that she was getting impatient.

Taeyeon just stared at Tiffany and frowned. She was well aware that she has been doing this for over 3 --- 4 --5 years? Today was Jessica’s birthday, and just like before, she always had this thought to text Jessica and say a simple happy birthday but in the end, she could not bring herself to do it. It was like a circle every year, she would stared at her phone, thinking about the right time to text Jessica, thinking about what she should write, but she ended up not doing it.

“Do you want me to write it down for you and send the button?”, Tiffany asked again.

“No! Why would I do that?”, Taeyeon quickly replied. 

“Then what are you waiting for?”, Hyoyeon supplied another question.

“It’s just --- I don’t know…”, Taeyeon weakly answered. And it was the truth. She didn’t know what was always stopping her to do it. Maybe she was scared that Jessica wont reply, maybe she just not ready to talk to Jessica again.

But this was Jessica’s birthday. Her birthday always special for Taeyeon and somewhat the memories of what happened on Jessica’s birthday years and years ago always lingered in Taeyeon’s mind. It was the day when she confessed her feelings to Jessica.

Flashback

SNSD just finished their 1^st asia tour concert in Shanghai and after the concert, they were celebrating Jessica’s birthday. After they went back to their hotel, Taeyeon who specifically requested to share the room with Jessica, brave herself to confess her feelings. She could not hide her feelings anymore, she needed to let Jessica knows.

“Sica, sorry I your face before. Your birthday cake was so tempting.”, Taeyeon giggled when she saw Jessica just out from the bathroom in her pajamas.

Jessica smiled. She actually quite shocked when Taeyeon suddenly came towards her and the cake from her cheek. But she liked it --- no she loved it. She loved the fact that Taeyeon was very comfortable with her, she loved it when her heart was beating fast when Taeyeon did that. She just felt wonderful.

 “Yah! It was gross!”, Jessica pretended and pouted. But the she smiled and just ruffled Taeyeon’s hair. “But it’s okay. I don’t mind if it was you.”

Taeyeon smiled back. The ice princess’ smile felt so warm, really quite the opposite to her nickname.   

“Sica --- Uh, can I talk to you about something?”, Taeyeon asked. Her tone changed, becoming deep and solemn.  

“Sure Taenggo! What’s up?”, Jessica replied, she sat next to Taeyeon on the bed and started putting up a lotion to her hands.

“Uh --- it’s – Well, you know we – I –“, Taeyeon stuttered, she didn’t know where to start. Suddenly she was afraid that Jessica would find her weird. Both of them were really close to the point that they will kissed each other’s cheek before they went to bed. But Taeyeon was not sure whether Jessica just sees her as a best friend or sister as opposed to her feelings which clearly something more than just a friend.

“Taenggo? Are you okay?”, Jessica looked at Taeyeon worriedly, when she found Taeyeon was having difficulty to let the words out.

“Ah yes.. I am okay – I am just – “

“What is it?”, Jessica squinted her brows and held Taeyeon’s hand.

Taeyeon inhaled a deep breath and let it out. She needed to tell Jessica now. There was no turning back.

“I like you.”

“What are you saying, silly? Of course you are and I like you too. We’re best friends, right?”, Jessica chuckled.

“No, no.”, Taeyeon shook her head. “I like you --- like you as in i like you more than just a friend. More than just a sister. I – I have feelings for you.”

Jessica was stunned. She fell into silence, but her hands didn’t leave Taeyeon’s.

Seeing Jessica reaction, Taeyeon quickly got panicked. “I – I am sorry. Please don’t freak out. It’s just --- I don’t know when it was started. But I can’t help it. I am sorry – I understand if you don’t have the same feeling as I do. But please don’t push me away.”

Much to Taeyeon’s surprise, a smile broke over Jessica’s face. Her eyes turned bright as if there were stars there. Then she threw herself to Taeyeon and hugged her tight. Taeyeon was confused, but she let out a relieve sigh, at least whatever it was, Jessica’s response was not bad.

“I like you too, Taeyeon. I mean, like – like as in more than just a friend, more than just a sister. I don’t know how to explain this, but --- yeah I like you too and I am so happy when you finally say that.”, Jessica said after she broke the hug.

“Really??”, Taeyeon eyes widened, disbelief that Jessica was actually reciprocate her feelings all this time.

Jessica nodded and smiled shyly. Her cheek reddened and Taeyeon could not help but to chuckle. Shy Jessica was too cute.

“Look --- I don’t really want to push any label here, Sica. But I know that I want to be with you, like.. together with you. I want you to be mine and I am 100% yours.”, Taeyeon squeezed Jessica’s hand.

“I understand. I mean, this feelings is quite confusing for me too. I really cant describe it but I know that what I feel for you is definitely different from what I feel to other members and to my other friends.  I know that I want to be with you.”

They both were still so young, and being confused of having feelings towards the same- was very reasonable for them. It was something new, plus they thought it was not really common, especially in a conservative country like South Korea. Both of them knew that kind of ual orientation exist, but when apparently it applies for them, it felt kind of --- weird. To say or to label themselves as gay or biual was just too much for them.

But nonetheless, they both shared the same feelings. And they want to be together, they needed to be together.

“So --- I promise that I am yours and I will be yours only. And from now on, you are my Sooyeon.”, Taeyeon confirmed their situation and smiled sweetly.

“Okay. I promise that I won’t go anywhere. I am yours, I am Taenggo’s.”, Jessica giggled.

That night, words could not even describe how happy Taeyeon and Jessica were. They both slept in one bed eventough they had twin bed in their room. They both gave kisses on each other’s cheek before they went to sleep, and for the first time Taeyeon slept with a smile on her face hugging Jessica from behind who slept peacefully in her arms.

It was a moment where Taeyeon has her most happiness in her life. Jessica changed her into someone more romantic, cheesy, relax. Taeyeon was never cared about skinship but when she has Jessica next to her, she would grabbed Jessica’s hand and interlace her fingers. A confirmation, that Jessica is hers. The first time she showed everyone that Jessica was hers, it was when the next day she guided Jessica at Shanghai airport. They were holding hands, and Jessica could not be happier that she has Taeyeon by her side, securely holding her hands.

Flashback End

“Taeyeon, it’s been years. You have to let it go. I think you need to start making peace with her. We all already done it, we didn’t hold the grudge and we are okay now. Now it’s your turn.”, Tiffany came towards Taeyeon and rubbed her back.

Taeyeon just stared at Tiffany blankly.

“Do you think I still hold the grudge against her?”

Tiffany shrugged her shoulder.

“I think you are.”, Hyoyeon chimed in before Tiffany could answer.

“I am not.”, Taeyeon denied it quickly.

“Then what’s the problem?”

“Let’s just --- why don’t we just eat?”, Taeyeon changed the subject, which clearly didn’t want to prolong the discussion about Jessica and how she should text her. Tiffany and Hyoyeon just sighed, giving up on kept encouraging their friend to do it.

****

Taeyeon stared at the building in front of her, stood herself there as if she rooted to the road below her. Her mind conflicting whether she should enter the building or not. A month later after she failed to text Jessica on her birthday, she was stood in front of Blanc and Eclare flagship store in Seoul. As she looked up, there was Clareau, Jessica’s new restaurant on top of the flagship store. It was around 8 in the evening and some people could be seen eating inside the restaurant from the glass window.

Taeyeon took out her phone and searched Jessica’s name. She knew Jessica was there in the restaurant, thanks to Tiffany and Hyoyeon who asked Jessica. She bit her lip as she grip her phone tightly. Truthfully, Taeyeon perfectly knew the reason why she was being a coward all this time. She missed the ice princess so much, but she was afraid that her feelings for Jessica came back in a heartbeat once she saw Jessica’s face. She loved Jessica so much before and she was scared the feelings that she has desperately buried suddenly arise again. The emotional baggage that she had with Jessica was still burdening her until now.

Inside the restaurant, Jessica was walking to her table after she took out one of a red wine from the cellar when her phone rang. She bent her eyebrows when she found an unknown number beeping on the phone. But with the thought that maybe it was something important from someone, or maybe it was one of her business partner, she decided to pick it up.

“Yoboseyo?”

“Sica?”

Jessica’s heart stopped when she heard the voice. She didn’t want to believe her ears, but how could she not remember that voice? Even with one word, she was sure who the voice was belong to.   

“…….”

“Sica??? Hallo.. ”

“T -- Taeyeon? Is --- is that – is that you?”, Jessica gulped, trying to get confirmation that it was indeed, Taeyeon who called her.

“Uuh --- yeah it’s --- it’s me.”, Taeyeon’s voice stuttered on the other line.

“…….”

“I am here, at Clareau – I – “

Jessica’s jaw dropped. Did she hear it right? Her heart skip a beat again.

Jessica quickly lifted up her head and looked around, trying to find the caller. And suddenly in front door, she saw her. Taeyeon was wearing hat, a face-mask and a scarf. But eventhough she covered most of her face, Jessica was still (and always) be able to recognize her. Jessica were too familiar with Taeyeon until she knew Taeyeon’s figure by only a glance.  

Without even realized it, Jessica dropped the wine bottle to the floor. Although it was not broken, but the sound made people around her notice and turned their head towards her. Jessica’s mouth fell opened, it was hard to believe it. Taeyeon was here, in her restaurant, in front of her. Yes, Taeyeon was everywhere and Jessica could easily found Taeyeon on television. But to see her in person now, it was a different story.

Jessica didn’t realize it that Taeyeon already hung up the call. She finally able to back to her sense when she saw Taeyeon was moving towards, closer to her. Jessica thought this was a dream but if this was a dream, then Jessica surely didn’t want to wake up anytime soon.

“Uh – Hey.”, Taeyeon said, when finally the gap between them were narrowed. Her voice sounded like a whisper as it was hidden behind her face-mask.

Jessica could only stared at Taeyeon. The only thing that she could find in Taeyeon’s face were her eyes and those eyes….are still the same. Still hypnotizing for Jessica.

“Sica?”, Taeyeon called again.

Jessica startled. She has to be calm, she needed to control the situation.

“Ah yes. Hi, Taeyeon.”, she replied awkwardly, trying hard to present a smile. “Uhm – why don’t we just go upstairs?”

Didn’t want to make any scene and afraid that the customers there will recognize Taeyeon, she quickly brought Taeyeon to the balcony of the restaurant.  

After settling themselves on the chair at the balcony and sure that nobody was around in the balcony, Taeyeon opened her face-mask. She stared at Jessica and she was right. Those feelings, there were too much mixed feelings in her heart that was ready to burst out. It hurts. But she tried to smile.

The first time Jessica saw Taeyeon smile after a long long time, and it never failed her. Jessica felt something that was really familiar, something that she used to have when they were together. Butterflies, flung everywhere inside her stomach.

They fell on an awkward silence for a while, until Taeyeon chose to break the silence.

“How are you, Sica? It’s been a long time.”

“Yeah, it's been a long time.", Jessica agrees, she nodded. 

“It’s a nice restaurant by the way.”, Taeyeon looked around the balcony and let out a little smile.

“Why don’t you order something and try our dishes?”, Jessica asked, she also smiled to response Taeyeon's, trying to break the tension between them.  

Taeyeon chuckled and waved her hand. “I am not hungry.”

“Well --- you have to eat. Look how thin you are right now.”, Jessica said, her eyes examining Taeyeon’s figures. But Taeyeon didn’t like the tone that she used, a voice full of concern and worry. It reminded her of Jessica’s behavior when they were together. And Taeyeon didn’t need that right now.

“I am fine and I am healthy.”, she quickly replied in short.

“Are you? Do you still have your headache?”, Jessica asked again, which made Taeyeon even more annoyed.

Jessica didn’t mean to questions Taeyeon like that. But she could not help it, it was like an impulse or a habit. When it comes to Taeyeon, well --- Taeyeon was all Jessica cared. She needed to make sure that Taeyeon was healthy and happy. Of course, she loves --- loved Taeyeon.  

“That was a long time ago, Sica. I don’t have that anymore.” Taeyeon scowled. She leaned back on her chair and crossed her arms.

Jessica quickly became quiet. She did worry about Taeyeon, she always had. She knew how fragile Taeyeon was when she under stress. Taeyeon still looked beautiful, but she became so thin nowadays and Jessica wondered what happened to her? What can she do for Taeyeon?

“So --- What brings you here?”, Jessica asked. She didn’t mean to be so straight-forward. But she didn’t know why the questions just slipped like that from her lips.

“I came here.. well, I want to say happy birthday. I know it’s a month late. But yeah – happy birthday. Sorry I didn’t bring you any present.”, Taeyeon admitted with a soft voice.

Jessica was confused, she came here to say happy birthday? Taeyeon could do it over the phone if she wanted to, there was no need to come here and see Jessica in person.

“Why?”, Jessica asked again, her brows were drawing together. Jessica was too curious of Taeyeon’s intention she even forgot to say thank you.  

“Huh? What do you mean why?”, Taeyeon frowned, confuse at Jessica’s question.

“Why do you bother to ----“, Jessica paused.  “I thought you hate me --”, Jessica changed her reply, her tone was full of bitterness.

“I do. And I still hate you. ”, Taeyeon’s voice was sharp, lashing like a whip. It was harsh to hear, but there were sadness drawing in her eyes when she said that.

Jessica lowered her head. She got it. Taeyeon hated her and Jessica could not blamed Taeyeon. She broke Taeyeon’s heart while what Taeyeon did was nothing but pouring Jessica with love and her whole heart. They both made promises, and Jessica promised that she would not go anywhere. Taeyeon kept her promise, but Jessica didn’t. 

Flashback

“Sica, what’s with you and Taecyeon? At first I thought you’re only friends --- but I am not quite sure now?”, Taeyeon asked when they were eating at the restaurant one day. From her tone, it was clear that Taeyeon was upset.

Jessica sighed. She knew this will be coming. And eventhough it was hard, she has to do it.

“Taeyeon ---- I think – I – We need to stop this.”

Taeyeon stared at Jessica in disbelief when she heard that. She was confused, what’s going on? What went wrong? What’s happening?

“W – what? W – why?”

Jessica shook her head. “ I – I can’t do this anymore. I love you so much but I don’t think I want this, Taeyeon. This thing we had… I mean, I want to have a normal relationship, with a guy. I want to get married someday and build a family.”

“B—but --- What’s not normal about this? We still can get married, maybe not here but in another country. If you want to have children we can use insemination, or adopt a kid or something. I know it’s  still too premature to discuss this but there is a way to handle those things.”, Taeyeon tried to reason, she felt her tears will fall soon. She got panicked, her Sooyeon asked for a break up, she could not believe it. Everything was fine, no – it’s been great between them. So why? Taeyeon thought that she has found her true love and she has no intention to settling down with anyone other than Jessica.

Jessica started to sob, her tears rolled to her cheek. It was hurt, definitely. She loves Taeyeon so much, and she never loved someone as much as she loved Taeyeon. But she thought that she won’t be able to fight for this relationship, she didn’t dare to take the risk when she knew she has to fight with, maybe half of the world just to be together with Taeyeon.

“It’s just too much, Tae. We are an idol, a public figure. Plus we live in Korea. If we want to stay longer in this industry I don’t think I am ready if I have to face all of the hate for dating you. I love you, Taeyeon, I love you so much. But I don’t want to do this anymore. ”, Jessica cried like there was no tomorrow, she didn’t care if people around her started to stare at her. Because it pained her, her heart was broken into pieces.

“Please, Sooyeon. If you love me why you give up on me? Why you give up on us?”, Taeyeon said in a weak voice. She was pleading, hoping that Jessica would change her mind. Although, she knew that Jessica would not. Taeyeon’s heart shattered, she fight so hard for the tears not to fall from her eyes.

“I am sorry, Taeyeon. I am so sorry.”

Jessica cried like crazy after she broke it off with Taeyeon. She knew it was her decision, but she didn’t think that the pain would be doubled like this, being hurt and hurting Taeyeon at the same time. 

Taeyeon was hurt, like really hurt. She gave Jessica her whole heart and Jessica was everything to her. But Jessica was so selfish and gave up on her, just like that. After they broke up, Taeyeon just avoided Jessica as much as she could and she ended up ignoring Jessica completely. She just cant bear the feelings, and Taeyeon has learned that she was capable to hate and love someone at the same time. She still love Jessica dearly, but she hated her so much too for making her suffered like this. She can’t bear herself to be back as friend with Jessica, not with someone who broke her heart that much.   

And Taeyeon could not help to be broken hearted again, and hated Jessica even more, when it seemed Jessica was too focus on her business and choose her boyfriend, resulted in not making SNSD as her priority. Taeyeon tried, but she ended up having the same feelings. Love and hate at the same time.

Flashback End

“If you still hate me, then what are you doing here?”, Jessica asked wryly.

“Because I miss you.”, Taeyeon said, quiet but firm.

“Wh – what?”, Jessica blinked, unsure if she heard it right, or unsure on how to response to that.

“Do I need to repeat that?”

“Taeyeon ---“

“Am I not allowed to miss you?”, Taeyeon asked, making it hard for Jessica to reply.

Jessica tried to swallow, was tight and dry and she didn’t know what to say. Well, she knew exactly her reply that only her heart would know. She missed Taeyeon too, a little bit too much. She may be the one who asked for a break-up but her heart surely never stop loving Taeyeon, never be able to replace Taeyeon and never love someone else as much as Taeyeon.

“Why --- why don’t we just drink the wine?”, Jessica decided that she didn’t know how to answer Taeyeon, so she changed the subject of their conversation.

She tried to read Taeyeon, what was Taeyeon’s really intention of coming here and meet her? But Jessica felt like there were many layers to Taeyeon behind that façade that Taeyeon wore now. Taeyeon could be unpredictable sometimes.

“Uhm no. I am not thirsty, thank you.”, Taeyeon refused quickly. Jessica sighed.

They fell into an awkward silence again. Until Taeyeon stood up from her chair.

“I better go.”

“Where are you going?”, Jessica asked, giving Taeyeon a puzzle face.

“I came here because I want to say happy birthday to you. And it’s done. So there is no more reason for me to stay here longer.”, Taeyeon said sternly.

“What? Wait! Taeyeon you cant just leave like this!”, Jessica stood up and quickly grabbed Taeyeon wrist when Taeyeon was about to walked away.

“Why not?”

“Because --- “, Jessica’s words stuck in her tip of her tongue. Why she didn’t want Taeyeon to leave? But there was no reason for that. She just didn’t want to, period.

It was like the circle kept repeating for both of them, where Taeyeon would ignore her, walked away and pushed her away while Jessica would kept chasing Taeyeon desperately. Jessica wondered if things would always be like this, eventhough after they already apart for a long time.

“Just ---- Stay – a little longer.”, Jessica finally gave up as she could not find any reason to make Taeyeon stay.

“I can’t. I won’t.”, Taeyeon stayed on her decision.

“Why not? Look, I know you hate me. But I hope we can talk this through and ---“

“Because I still love you.”

The sentence made Jessica speechless. Her expression changed, the words stung her like a bee. It was very wonderful to hear but also hurt at the same time. Jessica said nothing, just bit her lips and stared into Taeyeon’s eyes.

“I still love you. And I cant make a fool of myself, being here and just wanting you again.”, Taeyeon added, her eyes began to watery. She could not help it anymore. What Taeyeon afraid of came true, the feelings was still there and it was just like that, her scar got opened again.

Jessica’s eyes have already drenched with tears. It wounded her when she saw Taeyeon like this, so vulnerable, reminded her of the scene years ago when she broke Taeyeon’s heart. It was the same look that Taeyeon gave her now.

“Do you still love me, Sooyeon?”, suddenly Taeyeon asked, daring her. Taeyeon didn’t even know why she asked that. It’s not like Jessica’s answer will change anything about them.

Jessica’s heart ache when her Korean name slipped from Taeyeon’s lips. She always liked it when Taeyeon called her with that name. But only Taeyeon.

Taeyeon’s eyes were dark, staring deep at her, broke through the tears that blurred Jessica’s eyes, searching for the answer.

“Taeyeon ---“

“Do you??”, Taeyeon pressed again and leaned closer, which made Jessica even more spluttered.  

“I --- I ha – I have a boyfriend, Taeyeon.”, that’s all Jessica could manage to say, she took one step backwards.

“That’s not what I am asking you.”

I love you! Of course I love you. I always love you, Taeyeon, Jessica told herself, but that word only spoken in her mind.

Without warning, Taeyeon suddenly just leaned in and capture Jessica’s lips. Jessica was shocked at first, but she was not able to bring herself moved away from Taeyeon. Instead, she responded to the kiss. She missed Taeyeon’s kiss, she loved Taeyeon’s kiss and she didn’t want to deny it this time.

Taeyeon broke the kiss and just kept silent. She gazed at Jessica, unblinking and unnerving. Jessica didn’t dare to face Taeyeon as she looked away. She wanted Taeyeon to kiss her again, but she needed to come back to her sense and she should not. She was attached to someone.

Taeyeon put on her face-mask and then just turned her body around as she walked away.

Jessica didn’t want to see Taeyeon walked away from her, she looked down, resist herself to run and hugged Taeyeon, begging her not to go. But she silently touched her own lips, she closed her eyes and felt the taste of Taeyeon. A piece of Taeyeon’s love that were still left for her.