“Okay, this is it”, Jessica thought in her head. She parked her car in front of Taeyeon’s apartment and she waited for nearly two hours until she saw Taeyeon’s car approaching the apartment building and went to the parking lot. Jessica felt like an idiot, moreover like a creepy fans who waited for their idol in front of their house. But she had to do this, she has determined that she will talk to Taeyeon for the last time, letting go all of this mistakes they both made, to get a closure for both of them and move on. She knew if she text Taeyeon and asked if she’s home Taeyeon would not reply. So she recklessly just came to Taeyeon’s apartment, waiting the singer to come home.

Jessica inhaled a deep breath before she got out from her car. Then walked slowly to Taeyeon’s apartment. She needed to be quick since she had to catch Taeyeon on the basement before Taeyeon go up to her place. Her leg was trembling and again, her hand started to get sweaty. But she needed to do this. She just hoped that she would not get weak when she saw Taeyeon. Jessica fastened her pace to enter the lobby and took the elevator to the basement. Once the elevator reached the basement and opened the door, she was greeted with Taeyeon’s face, right in front of her.

Taeyeon froze, didn’t expect that she found the familiar face in her building, right before she takes the elevator. hung opened for a while and they exchanged a silence stare, until the elevator door almost closed again and Jessica had to push the button to keep it open.

“What are you doing here?”, Taeyeon asked, tried to composed herself. Then she walked inside the elevator.

“I need to talk to you. Please can we talk at your place?”, Jessica asked carefully.

Taeyeon just kept silent. But she knew that she didn’t want to cause any scene here and maybe taking Jessica to her place was a better choice. This is a public place and if somebody saw her with Jessica, it could cause a big headlines everywhere.

“I promise this will be the last time.”, Jessica added quickly, seeing no reaction from Taeyeon. But soon after the elevator moved up, Jessica took Taeyeon’s silence as a yes.

Jessica followed Taeyeon closely from behind her in silence when Taeyeon walked to her place and opened the door. Jessica waked inside and she observed Taeyeon’s penthouse. A place that she didn’t expect to see in her life since she left the group. Jessica wondered what kind of life Taeyeon had in this place, imagining where she did her exercise and having a nice coffee in her balcony.

Taeyeon threw her coat and her bags to the couch carelessly. “Alright. What do you want to talk about?”

“Uh ---“, Jessica snapped back and shifted her attention back to Taeyeon. “I just – we need to stop, I agree.”

Taeyeon bent her brows. “Why cant we just stop?? You don’t need to come here just to say that.”

“Taenggo ---“, Jessica tried to continue all of her speech that she had prepare. All that closure that she wanted convey but her tongue seemed to become numb. Seeing Taeyeon indeed, made her weak.

Taeyeon looked deep into Jessica’s eyes. And she was scared as at that moment, she saw the same look like years ago when they were still so in love with each other. The love in Jessica’s eyes. Taeyeon tried to deny it, to avoid it. She refuse to see it.

Jessica started to cry as she was unable to say anything. The only words that Taeyeon could hear, even when Jessica said it in a whisper was “I love you”

Taeyeon could not hold herself anymore. She didn’t know what got into her but she moved closer and next thing she knew, they already kissed passionately. Soon after, she found herself dragging Jessica into her bedroom and they were undressing each other in hurry. Taeyeon didn’t want to stop, she wanted to kiss Jessica again and again, touch Jessica again and again. Just feel Jessica. Jessica didn’t want to stop either, she wanted Taeyeon, all of Taeyeon.

That night, they made love. For God knows how many times.

The next morning, Taeyeon woke up and found Jessica staring at her, looking beautiful like an angel.

“Staring at people whose asleep is creepy, Sooyeon.”, Taeyeon said and smiled.

Jessica giggled. “Coffee?”, she raised her hand up with a cup of coffee, and soon a smell of coffee was all over the room.

“Put it on the table. It smells good, but your smell is even better.”, Taeyeon circled her hand on Jessica waist and pulled Jessica back on her embrace.

Jessica put the hot coffee on the table beside the bed. Taeyeon didn’t care if she didn’t have her coffee this morning, she has her Jessica in her arms.

*****

So the plan clearly didn’t work out. Jessica initially wanted to stop all of this, but they ended up sleeping together. One time became two times and after that became often and regular. Jessica and Taeyeon didn’t know how to stop, they always found themselves in bed, cuddling, making love, talking, enjoying each other company. What they did was wrong and twisted, they both aware of that but they could not stop and maybe they didn’t want to stop. They usually met at Taeyeon’s place, sometimes at Jessica’s penthouse when Krystal was not around, or went to a hotel once or twice.

Taeyeon knew that Jessica still attached to her boyfriend, and sometimes she felt like she was Jessica’s mistress, which probably true if you see it from a third party perspective. This secret affair was killing her inside, but her world always filled with rainbows and butterflies whenever she spent her time with Jessica. Taeyeon was weak, and she let herself dragging into this mess. Everytime Jessica appeared in front of her, all of her negative thought vanished and all she did was smiling.

“Do you love him?”, Taeyeon once asked, when they were cuddling after making love.

Jessica’s heart almost stop when Taeyeon asked that question. Taeyeon never ask or talk about her boyfriend before.

“My love is only for you.”, Jessica replied as she put her hand on Taeyeon’s bare chest. And Taeyeon didn’t dare to ask further, afraid that she would hear something from Jessica that will hurt her heart. Hearing Jessica loves her is enough. She didn’t need to know about Tyler.

After a while, Jessica started to get tired. Juggling between Taeyeon and her boyfriend. She felt like a really bad person doing this thing. But everytime she tried to stop, her actions spoke differently. She always melted whenever she saw Taeyeon’s smile. Looking Taeyeon’s bright eyes, hearing her voice when she was singing in the bathroom, feeling her warm embrace before they went to sleep, it was something that Jessica will not exchange it for anything. She never felt that kind of happiness with anyone else, only with Taeyeon.

Her boyfriend started to get suspicious. He felt Jessica’s time for him became lesser and lesser. Jessica always had excuses that she had to work late, having a party at her friend’s place and so many more stuffs. Taeyeon never asked her to, but automatically she made Taeyeon as her priority instead of her boyfriend.

‘I am already home. Come here quick. I miss you, my Sooyeon.’, Jessica took a glance on the text message that popped out from her phone.

Tyler was still talking, but Jessica’s mind was not there anymore. She checked the time on her watch so many times, cannot wait since she knew Taeyeon was already waiting for her.

“Jess!! Are you paying attention?” Suddenly Tyler called her, startled Jessica.

“Huh? Uh – sorry what did you say?”

“Somebody’s waiting for you or do you have any plan? You keep checking your watch.”, Tyler said again, he pointed his chin to Jessica’s wrist.

“Uh yeah. I promised Irene to meet her. And I am – uh – kinda late.”, Jessica lied and she really felt bad about it. But her head filled with Taeyeon and how to get out of this restaurant as soon as possible to meet Taeyeon.

Tyler paused for a while. He narrowed his eyes and examined his girlfriend, trying to read her face whether she told him the truth. But he tried to think positive. Jessica will not lie to him, she won’t cheat on him.

Tyler sighed. “Alright. If you’re late, we can get the bill.”

******

Taeyeon quickly parked her car and get into the restaurant where she will meet Tiffany, Sunny and Yoona. She was late. She spent the night at Jessica’s house and completely forgot about the meeting with the three SNSD members for lunch. Tiffany had to call her so many times and Taeyeon just realized that she left tons of missed calls after she and Jessica finished having .

Nobody knows about Taeyeon and Jessica’s secret rendezvous and they kept it hidden from people around them, not even SNSD members. Only Krystal knew, and that was because Krystal’s filming got cancelled and she caught Taeyeon and Jessica kissing when she came home. At that moment, Krystal’s jaw dropped and could not even said anything. But after that, she just said to her big sister to be careful and ‘you know the consequences right Unnie? But you are my sister and I just want to you to be happy’.

“Sorry, guys. I overslept.”, Taeyeon said when she sat on her chair. “Okaay, what should we eat? Have you guys ordered?”

But hearing that no one replied to her, Taeyeon looked up and found her friends all staring at her. “What?”, she asked in confusion.

“Where were you last night?”, Tiffany suddenly asked.

“Home. Why?”, Taeyeon quickly answered, pretending to be cool.

“Is that a Blanc and Eclare sweater you are wearing?”, Yoona asked, pointing at the white sweater Taeyeon wore.

! Taeyeon swallowed hard. She was so in hurry when she left Jessica’s apartment and she just wore whatever Jessica grabbed from the couch and threw at her. She didn’t realize that it was Blanc and Eclare sweater and maybe Jessica didn’t realize it either. She spent the night without bringing any clothes and she had no choice to borrow Jessica’s clothes. Taeyeon took a quick glance at the sweater and yeah, she found a Blanc and Eclare logo there.

“Uh - - yea well – I bought it.”, Taeyeon’s face reddened, trying so hard to kept her voice not stuttering.

Tiffany who set next to her moved closer and sniffed her a few times.

“What are you doing??”, Taeyeon asked and gave a weird look.

“This is not your perfume. I know this scent.”, Tiffany narrowed her eyes in suspicion at Taeyeon. “This is Jessi’s.”

“Uhm – I --- I bought the same perfume as well.”, Taeyeon reasoned. She started to get panic.

“Taeyeon, are you ---“, Sunny asked slowly, she was pretty sure where Taeyeon was last night but she didn’t dare to ask.

“Tae?”, Tiffany added, there was a threaten in her voice for Taeyeon to spill the truth. “You are wearing Jessica’s sweater. Were you with Jessi? Don’t lie to me.”

Tiffany’s tone was low and it was terrifying. Taeyeon won’t have the heart to lie to her best friend or she can’t to be exact. Tiffany was the one who always there for her, listening to her misery and what Tiffany’s said to her is really matters to Taeyeon.

Taeyeon let out a defeated sigh and lowered her head. “Yeah. I was.”

Yoona gasped. Sunny widened her eyes but Tiffany just looked at her. She knew it. Tiffany knows Taeyeon better than anyone. She could sense something change about Taeyeon. Each time they met, Taeyeon looked happier, glowing but at the same time a conflict could be outlined on her face, as if there was a war in her head.

“For how long have you been meeting her like this?”, Tiffany asked again.

Taeyeon sighed again. “Uhhh – four months..”

“Gosh, Taeyeon!”, Tiffany groaned. “Why? I mean --- really why are you doing this?”, then she asked in English.

“I don’t know, I don’t know, okay!!! It’s just happened!!”, Taeyeon grunted, she put her hands up in the air making a surrender gesture.

“This is something that not just happen!”, Tiffany retorted. “You should not --- you --- I will talk to Jessi.”

“No!!”, Taeyeon quickly exclaimed. “This is my problem. I need to figure this out by myself.”

“Unnie --- we just don’t want to see you getting hurt.”, Yoona said and held Taeyeon’s hand. Everybody in SNSD knew how messed up Taeyeon was when Jessica broke it off with her and worst, left the group.

“I know.”, Taeyeon smiled to her dongsaeng.

“Well, it’s just --- We will be supportive if you and Sica want to try again. But you know that situation is different now.”, Sunny supplied.

“Look, why don’t we just --- eat?”, Taeyeon cut everybody, hoping not to prolong the conversation about her and Jessica. Although she knew, Tiffany will not just stay silent and she would get a lecture from the eye-smile owner after this lunch.

******

“I miss you so much, Taenggoo. Dont leave me too long like that.”, Jessica whined in a cute voice as she snuggled in Taeyeon’s neck. Taeyeon had been busy with her new variety shows.

Taeyeon chuckled. “I miss you, too.”, she replied and kissed Jessica’s forehead. This felt like heaven for Taeyeon. Like the old times, when Jessica was hers completely.

Jessica sniffed Taeyeon’s scent from her neck. It was comforting, making her calm. Taeyeon was here and now, she was her Sooyeon.

When they were comfortably snuggling in bed, suddenly Taeyeon’s phone rang. Taeyeon reached her phone and picked it up.

“Hey --- Oh, nothing much… Just chillin at home…Yeah of course we’re still on, cant wait to see you tomorrow. Bye gorgeous.”

Jessica’s ears perked when the words ‘gorgeous’ slipped from Taeyeon’s mouth. Who was Taeyeon talking to?

“Who’s that?”, Jessica asked out of curiosity.

“Oh. Just this girl I am seeing.”, Taeyeon said nonchalantly as she put back her phone on the table.

“What???”, Jessica asked in disbelief and quickly let go of herself from Taeyeon, she sat on the bed. “You’re seeing someone?”

Jessica needed to check it twice and confirm. Did she hear it right? Taeyeon was seeing someone??

Taeyeon nodded. “Yeah. Why?”

“Who?”, Jessica frowned.

“Does it matter?”

“You’ve been seeing someone behind my back?”, Jessica repeated, displeased with the way Taeyeon response to her. Taeyeon sounded so blunt, like it was not a big deal and she seemed didn’t care about Jessica’s feelings.

Taeyeon smirked. “Well, as far as I can remember, we’re not together, so I am single and I don’t need your permission to date someone else.”

The sentence just slid casually from Taeyeon's mouth. Jessica’s heart sank. She felt like stabbed by a knife. She never knew that the fact that Taeyeon’s seeing someone could be this hurtful.

“But --- I deserve to know at least! You – So what is this to you? Did you just play with me? I have feelings you know!”, Jessica tried to reason. Although she knew perfectly well that she has no right over Taeyeon.

Taeyeon stared at her in silence. “Why are you blaming me? Shouldn’t you ask the question to yourself?”, Taeyeon finally retorted.

The words hit Jessica, hard. Tears slowly fell down from her eyes. But Taeyeon didn’t budge. She just stood still, looking at Jessica with her sad eyes.

“What am I to you, Taeyeon? I thought we have something – I thought -- ??”

“We have nothing, Sica!!”, suddenly Taeyeon barked, her tone was alarming. She started to get angry. Jessica kept talking as if she was the only one who get hurt. “You think this is something?? Do you realize what you were saying? Did you forget that you have a boyfriend????”

Jessica kept crying. It hurts because what Taeyeon said was true. This has gone too far and the worse thing was, they never really talked about it. They just enjoyed the moment they have but no-one ever dare to ask what kind of relationship they have now. It was pitiful and Jessica was desperate for Taeyeon until she could not think clearly anymore everytime they met and making love.

Taeyeon balled her fist, trying to hold her anger. “You can have a boyfriend while we keep doing this and I can’t do the same????”, she further asked, half shouted already.

“This is not how I wanted to happen ….”, Jessica replied in a soft voice in between her sobbing.

“Jessica, I love you and you know that.”, Taeyeon’s voice turned soft. “But I can’t fight the reality and I know you won’t change the decision that you have made a long time ago. If this is the closest I can get with you, then it’s enough for me.”

Taeyeon lied, of course she was. There was no such thing that knowing Jessica is someone else’s was enough for her. She wished Jessica would be hers, completely. But what option she had, she could not wait Jessica forever and she better tried to move on.

Taeyeon stood up from the bed, gathering her clothes that was scattered everywhere in Jessica’s room and putting it on. “Maybe doing this thing is not such a good idea, after all.”, she said.

Taeyeon realized this time was the cue. Their relationship has become too complicated and she needed to get out as soon as she can before she got lost further. It was over.

“Taengoo –“, Jessica called in whisper, but she didn’t know what to say anymore. Taeyeon was about to leave. She’s leaving her.

“I am not your spare part, Sica and certainly I cant be your guilty pleasure forever.”, Taeyeon said and closed her eyes. She fought so hard so the tears would not fell down.

“You are not. You’re more than any of that!! I love you!”, Jessica said quickly. But she too, realized that she has someone else. Her official boyfriend. She chose to commit to him because he could give the life that she wanted. Seeing Taeyeon would leave soon, Jessica wanted to beg, but she knew it was really unfair.

Taeyeon shook her head. “Why don’t we just --- let go – and stop seeing each other like this? Just stop.” Then she turning towards the door. Leaving Jessica.

Jessica just stare at Taeyeon’s sight. The pain was excruciating since Taeyeon was someone she loved the most. Taeyeon broke her heart and this time it felt ten times worse than before.

Taeyeon walked out weakly, didn’t dare to look back again. She sighed. Another emptiness, once more. She thought being the one who left, it would be better compared to seeing someone left her. But apparently, pain is pain. Simply because it was Jessica.