Chapter 10

 

 

“I trust you. I know you feel it.”

 

 

She clenched her hand placed on her chest as Siyeon’s voice echoed inside her head. She feels the blood rushed through her face as she vividly reminisces the actions of the woman the night she guilt her for not letting her in in her mind. She’s still guilty about the things she had said as she too, does not open up to Siyeon.

 

 

“What’s with the serious face?” Dami asked, observing Bora for a while now.

 

 

Bora glanced at Dami for a while before looking back outside the train window.

 

 

“I’m just thinking of something.”

 

 

“It’s definitely Siyeon.” Dami nudges Gahyeon who she had been closed to last night.

 

 

“That tall woman?” Gahyeon asked. “Well, she certainly looked at her with heart eyes.”

 

 

“Hey,” Bora shooed. “I’ll fire you.”

 

 

Gahyeon’s forehead furrowed, a sense of distaste touch her senses. You can’t really be too friendly with Bora, she thought.

 

 

“That’s a shallow reason,” Dami argued. “It was a fact.”

 

 

Bora grunted which made Dami smirk, and Gahyeon smiled at her meaningfully. Why did Gahyeon decide to accompany them? Now, she has another annoying person with her. And half of the ride is them talking about animals that made them bond since last night. Right, last night Bora talked to her father.

 

 

“You should get the python a shelter as soon as possible,” Mr. Kim said. “It looks stressed. It kept trying to break free and I don’t think this cage will hold for another week.”

 

 

That is what her father said thus making their trip to the city became as soon as the sun rises. While they’re at it, she will at least buy Dami a new auto-rickshaw. She sighs, she can’t believe Gahyeon will go with them though. But by the looks of it, Dami was in favor as they looked too close now. As her thoughts dispersed, she now heard the clattering of the metal wheel on the rails. It’s been quite a long time since she rides the train this long but she doesn’t miss the feeling one bit. It will be bearable if Siyeon’s with her though.

 

 

Bora was once again became immersed with her thoughts, the chattering of her companions now fading away together with the sounds as she delves in deep inside her. She wants to learn more about Siyeon, more than ever. She wants her more than ever… but for that to happen, she should be the first to open up to her. She should tell Siyeon what is her true intention for them to have an outcome. It might be the biggest hurdle for her but this is the first time she feels this way, and she’s also excited for some reason.

 

 

“It looks like we won’t be able to get home today,” Bora said as she checks on the python they kept hidden as the people inside the train started to cramp the space. “After we go to the shelter let’s go get some groceries and stay at my condo.”

 

 

Dami and Gahyeon agreed then entered another conversation this time, Dami telling some of her experiences tending to the farm. Bora can’t help but listen since never once Dami told a story about herself nor what she does. It was fairly interesting nonetheless and a great way to kill time since they have a lot of stations left.

 

 

“I do illustrations of them too, and give them to children,” Dami said when Gahyeon complimented her about her drawings. “I plan on getting them to some publisher so I can produce more…”

 

 

Bora noticed that Dami glanced at her but immediately removed it when she noticed that she was listening to her. She didn’t mind since she’s used by Dami’s weird attics around her, mainly something like what happened.

 

 

“That’s good!” Gahyeon getting all pumped up all of a sudden. “I know someone! She’s a teacher and she also publishes kids' books. She can help you.”

 

 

“Yeah…” Dami shyly agreed, it was new to Bora. “I think I should work harder…”

 

 

A little smile escapes Bora’s lips as she saw Gahyeon’s energy affecting Dami in an odd but good way.

 

 

*******

 

 

Once they’ve reached the shelter and filled up the necessary documents, they passed by a mall to buy some groceries for tonight. Bora letting Dami choose what to cook since she saw those sparkling eyes when they first entered. She just followed Dami around as she gathers stocks while Gahyeon took a separate way to buy some things she needs. Bora was on the parallel shelf when she heard Dami humming while holding a can, reading it. So far, she has seen more of Dami’s expressions within this day than in the almost three months they’ve been together.

 

 

“You’re certainly enjoying yourself,” She teased, thinking she will ruin Dami’s mood.

 

 

“Yes,” Dami replied, giggling as she thought of something.

 

 

Bora blinked a few times as she can’t believe Dami agreed with her. She can’t absorb the thought that Dami agreed with her for the first time without hesitation. When she approached her, Dami was already finished in the aisle and nodded.

 

 

“I never knew you can act like an adult.” Bora was annoyed by Dami’s statement.

 

 

“I never knew you can act like a kid first time in a grocery store,” She mocked tapping on the almost full cart.

 

 

“I’m a healthy and strong kid, you know.” This statement certainly made Bora wonder about Dami’s childhood. “I used to roam the rice fields for frogs and scare Siyeon with it. Grandma was once impressed I caught so many.”

 

 

Siyeon as a child…

 

 

It was the first thing that echoed inside Bora’s mind. They never met each other even with that small time she was in that small town or did they? But she was pretty sure, they didn’t. She's not sure because they only go there when they’re on vacation. Then, after that accident that killed her mother, they never returned.

 

 

“Siyeon lived with us. She was grandma’s second adopted child. I was the third.” Dami continued but somehow she was a bit hesitant to continue. “But by the time Siyeon became sixteen… she said she can take care of her own.”

 

 

“Why?” Bora suddenly asked, her mind once again begin to overthink.

 

 

“I don’t know… She only told grandma.” Dami honestly said. “But it didn’t feel like she’s not in the house though. She still goes to our house every day so I feel like nothing changed…”

 

 

“Can you tell me…” Dami looked at her. “What Siyeon was like when she was a kid?”

 

 

It was a genuine request she wants Dami to accept though she needs a reason if the latter will reject. It feels like, if she wants to know Siyeon, she first needs to know her way before they met as adults. Because the Siyeon now, kept many secrets… and it is hard for her to comprehend.

 

 

Dami opens and closed it again when she can’t find words to say. She gripped on the pushcart, hesitant if she should tell more about Siyeon since the latter always tell that if she kept her past hidden then, she too will have to keep Siyeon’s past hidden. She was aware that the information she gave out was harmless but she did not consider the fact that the woman in front of her, Bora, is interested in Siyeon. It was expected that she wants to know more about her.

 

 

Dami sighs and looked at Bora. A little back story won’t hurt, she thought.

 

 

“Well, for starters… She was really edgy back then,” Dami calmly said. “She never smiles but she tries when talking to grandma.”

 

 

“Oh?” Bora reacted since she can’t see that kind of Siyeon now. She only knew the Siyeon who’s always giggling and is by her side most of the time.

 

 

“Yeah, the kids our age were scared of her.” Dami nodded. “It was just recently that she started to be that jolly…”

 

 

Dami glanced at Bora who’s quiet the whole time. Seeing the woman being occupied by her thoughts, she stopped speaking and continue to look at other products. Bora didn’t even notice when she moved farther. She was busy on her own when she felt a hand tapped on her shoulder. It was Gahyeon, now looking at her the produce she’s also looking for.

 

 

“Where’s Bora?” Gahyeon asked as she arranges the content of her basket.

 

 

She looked everywhere and no Bora was found. She might have gone and left her in the aisle she was in before.

 

 

“I think, I left her…” Dami hesitantly exclaimed when Gahyeon was looking at her with curiosity. Around this time, Dami was feeling quite guilty which Gahyeon noticed.

 

 

“Don’t worry…” Gahyeon spoke as she held Dami’s hand. “She’s an adult. She can find us.”

 

 

It’s as if what Gahyeon said became a cue for her phone to ring. She grabbed her phone from her bag without letting go of Dami’s hand as she felt the latter was about to run away to find Bora on her own.

 

 

“Where the hell are you? Dami’s missing! She doesn’t have a phone. Should I—”

 

 

“Calm down,” Gahyeon nonchalantly said. “She’s with me, we’re at the meat section.”

 

 

“Oh…” There’s silence in another line. “…I’ll be there.”

 

 

“Is that her?” Dami asked which Gahyeon nodded to.

 

 

“Now, don’t go and sprint around the grocery store. I can feel that intent.” Gahyeon’s words made Dami blushed from embarrassment.

 

 

They reached Bora’s condo after a while, Gahyeon was certainly surprised by the amount of grocery Bora and Dami checked out. Bora decided to cook for them, Dami was adamant about that but she refused her help either way. While waiting for Bora, Dami decided to roam around her room while Gahyeon got cozy on the bed. Dami pulled a photobook from Bora stash which Gahyeon noticed.

 

 

“Oh? Is that a photobook?” Gahyeon nosily gets beside Dami who slumped herself on the floor. “She’s small.”

 

 

Dami agreed as they saw Bora’s baby picture.

 

 

As they continue to talk, Bora can’t help but peek inside her room as she heard Gahyeon’s laughing. They are being too loud which made Bora curious. Upon seeing what the two are doing, she shooed them away as Gahyeon continue to diss her. It was specifically her family portrait that made her remember some bittersweet memories.

 

 

She gets back to cooking after she scolded Gahyeon. Her mood somehow became gloomy as she can’t help but remember her mother and the last family portrait they took before she died. She remembered their portrait hanging on Siyeon’s home which certainly left her mind. She wants to know why Siyeon has that. She should ask her but what if she won’t say the reason? Should she ask Dami first?

 

 

Once they finished their dinner, Bora moved closer to Dami who was watching something on the television. Gahyeon at the time was in the shower leaving them.

 

 

“Dami,” Bora called, the woman hummed in response. “Do you know why Siyeon has that photo?”

 

 

“What photo?” Dami didn’t look at her which made her annoyed.

 

 

“My family photo… I saw it in her house.”

 

 

Dami’s eyes remained at the screen, thinking what Bora said. She looked at the latter, still thinking why Siyeon has it. And then, it hit her.

 

 

“Because she wants to remember the family who saved her.”

 

 

******

 

 

“I’m… doing well…” She hesitantly exclaimed. “I can’t waste the life I was given…”

 

 

The old man looked at her with such tender eyes, rubbing her head as he consoled her. Mr. Kim sips on the hot chocolate the woman he’s talking to prepared.

 

 

“Siyeon…” Mr. Kim called. “You know very well that you shouldn’t be too hard on yourself.”

 

 

She fidgets in her seat as they watch the sunset. Feeling the warmness yet the coldness of her palms was undeniable. She was anxious, just by being alone with the man whose wife died because of her carelessness as a child.

 

 

She’s aware that the man doesn’t blame her for anything. It was an accident, just like what the elders told her all the time when she was a kid. But she can’t help but be guilty… She can still see the mourning child of Mr. Kim every time. She can still feel the heartbreaking wails of the kid who thought that her mother will be back. And the rage she felt for herself around the time she can understand fully what happened.

 

 

“If it was being guilty…” Mr. Kim cut her thoughts. “… we should be the one who should be… I should be the one to be blamed that you lost your family.”

 

 

Siyeon clenched her jaw, surpassing the tears that will run down her cheeks any second. Her fists trembling on her lap, trying to calm herself as she remembered that dreadful day when everything ended between her and Bora. She doesn’t want to relive it but it was inescapable. She will never be free until she accepts her past fully.

 

 

“I-I’m sorry…” Siyeon apologized, her voice trembling as she silently cries.

 

 

“You shouldn’t be,” Mr. Kim hug her. “We all made mistakes. We lose people we love but I’m sure, everything will be all right.”

 

 

Siyeon sob, gripping at the older man’s shirt as she let go of her emotions.

 

 

“What’s in the past will stay in the past. Right now, is the present.” Mr. Kim brushed her hair as he does with his child. “It’s what you need to live.”

 

 

“But what about Bora…” Siyeon moved back. “If she remembers that I’m the one who killed her mother I—”

 

 

“You never killed anyone. It was an accident.” Mr. Kim leans to his chair. “And Bora, at this age, I know she will understand. After all, I think she likes you now, unlike before. I know you feel it that’s why what you’re keeping in your heart is stronger now.”

 

 

“I don’t know what to do…”

 

 

“I know your perspective of Bora changed. I saw it, it was not the desperation you have when you were a child. It was something more and I think your feelings are mutual.”

 

 

Siyeon placed herself in the chair much more comfortable as she wipes her tears away, feeling a little better when the man in front of her pointed something she was hesitant about. That’s only one of her hesitations, she found herself hesitant about everything that Bora was involved but last night…

 

 

Last night she felt so needed as everything feels so right at that moment. Last night was the bravest she felt, like her worries for when Bora will find out just removed itself from her mind. Last night was Bora—her soft lips and yearning eyes—was all she can think of. Last night…she wants that moment to last forever.

 

 

“Mr. Kim,” Siyeon called, finding the confidence to stand her ground. “Is it okay if I like Bora?”

 

 

He let out a chuckle, finding Siyeon’s words admiring. He nodded as he can’t tell if Siyeon doesn’t notice but her love for Bora was so obvious that he won’t oppose it. After all, they already have a mind of their own. And things will be sorted out eventually. He saw the resolve in Siyeon’s eyes, something he never witnesses until now. He just hopes everything works out for them.

 

 

“Thank you, Mr. Kim… but I still don’t think it’s not my fault that your wife died.” Siyeon let out a smile. “But still, I want to make up for it. Until I feel like I’m already forgiven.”

 

 

Mr. Kim smiled as his gaze dropped to the ground, thinking what Siyeon would do to feel like she was forgiven now.

 

 

“What would you do?”

 

 

“I want to…” Siyeon looked at the ground. “… make Bora happy. Even if I will end up on the bad side.”

 

 

The atmosphere around them became serious with Siyeon’s words, making Mr. Kim ask what Siyeon wants since he thought that Siyeon’s mind is not clouded by fear now but certainly not in the bright light either.

 

 

“What do you want, Siyeon?” Mr. Kim sigh. “You’re young, I know you also have things you like to pursue. Don’t let this town, your guilt, or even Bora stop what you want. Do all these years, you only want to be bound in this place?”

 

 

She hesitantly nodded. Deep inside her, she knew she can leave this place. She’s conflicted for the longest time, afraid that people might look at her with disgusted eyes that she restricts herself from dreaming another life. She did want to be free but for that to happen… But for that to happen… What? Even until now, she can’t think of a reason to leave that she will treat as running away from the past.

 

 

“Siyeon,” Mr. Kim called. “At least for a while, think about yourself. And what you really want… You should make it happen.”

 

 

Their talk ended with a gloomy goodbye from her. The sun already rested, the moon watching her as she walks towards her little home. A lot in her mind from what she and Mr. Kim discussed. Did she feel better? She let out her thoughts, yet she doesn’t even resolve something important. Was the answer, no? But she did have an insight from the older man. He made her feel free for a while.

 

 

As she opened the table drawer where she kept her letters, she took a glimpse of the portrait of Bora’s family. She removed it from the wall and look at the back, reading the sentence scribbled by a child.

 

 

‘they ar my knew famili Im hapy’

 

 

She let out a bittersweet smile as she removed the wooden back of the frame and took the photo hidden behind it. Caressing it, she felt her tears fall. Seeing her family she kept hidden, ashamed to face even only their pictures. Tears fell on the person she greatly misses. She wipes it gently, the picture of her sister so joyful that they finally have a photo back then, not knowing it will be their last…

 

 

She placed the portrait near the piled letters she kept, unable to send it to the Kims, to Bora who she greatly misses for the longest of time. Yet the bitterness in her heart rose when she remembered that dreadful day…

 

 

She hopes she can face Bora again with the same attitude she’s kept showing her. Because right now, she’s too exhausted to even fake a smile.