Kang Seulgi had always thought of her life as rather simple.

She grew up with an older brother who taught her that she didn’t need to be a boy to play sports. She learned that gender stereotypes were a lie when she could outrun the boys in her neighbourhood and eat her body weight in food when she got home.

Dance only became a part of her life when she entered school. That was when things changed. People treated her differently. The boys stopped inviting her to play games with them. They invited her brother and told her it was a ‘boys only’ game, something which infuriated her.

That was when she realised that while girls could be just as good as boys, they would never be equal because boys were boys and girls were girls.

She chose dance because it was the closest thing to a possible hobby she could enjoy.

Before her first audition, dance studios and practice rooms were a foreign concept. Little did she know that within the first year of joining the dance troupe, she would become an integral part of the main performance team, earning her own solo stages and the respect of all the graduating seniors. 

Like sports, when Seulgi committed to something, she put all her focus and energy into improving herself and reaching a self-imposed standard. After practicing week after week, she found herself imagining choreography even when she wasn’t in the studio. Instead of getting tired of it, she felt more motivated to recreate the dance movements she saw in her mind and experiment with flow.

She became part of the dance committee in the beginning of her sophomore year.

That was when she first met Irene Bae.

She knew of the graceful dancer with delicate features and a soothing voice, but they hadn’t officially interacted until the annual dance camp. It was an endurance challenge where dancers were given a routine and would get eliminated in intervals based on their ability to keep their form and discipline. Irene had been the reigning champion from the previous year, until Seulgi came along and unintentionally challenged her title. 

As expected, they were the last two remaining dancers by the end of the session. Neither was prepared to give up, so in the interest of time, they agreed to share the title.

“Kang Seulgi,” Irene had said after their introductions, as though she was digesting the syllables of her name. “Not bad.”

No matter how loud her teammates were, their cheers and congratulatory remarks couldn’t drown out Irene’s comment, or diminish the impact of the impressed gleam in her eyes. Looking back, that was probably the moment Seulgi fell for her.

It had been nearly two years since then. A lot of things had happened in between, they’d gotten closer, dated, broken up, but Seulgi still found herself watching Irene. Old habits were hard to break.

There had been times over the years when she wondered whether she would ever stop falling for the senior, whether she would hit rock bottom and realise there was no way she could possibly fall any further. However, whenever that happened, something else would shift and she would find herself falling for her again.

Despite that, life had been simple. She hadn’t planned on confessing and complicating things further.

She had been fine with the way things were.

Then, she met Seungwan.

Technically, their first meeting had been way before the day she walked up to the short haired girl with her letter in hand.

The music rooms were on the way to her dance practice rooms. Seulgi had spent most of her freshman year walking down those hallways.

She was acquainted with every student who booked the music rooms for practice, with the exception of one. Sometimes, she would slow down on her way to practice, if only to spare a moment to listen to the voice emitting from one of the rooms and wonder who this talented student was. It was only after following Seungwan during breaks and barging into her practice that she put those pieces together.

However, if there was anyone to blame for their unlikely alliance, it would probably be none other Kim Jisoo. If not for Jisoo lamenting that her grades for English were going to reach an all time low on the bell-curve due to a new transfer student from Canada, Seulgi wouldn’t even have known that a person called Wendy Son existed. If her friend hadn’t also told her that said transfer student was solely responsible for preventing her grades from being the bottom of the cohort, she wouldn’t have known that Wendy Son was an option. When she found out that her services extended to other students as well, it gave her hope. Hope was the beautiful, dangerous thing that started it all.

From knowing her as Wendy Son, to just Wendy, to Seungwan, Seulgi’s affection and admiration for the other girl only grew as time went by.

Seungwan filled the gap in her life that she never knew existed. In many ways, she was the opposite of her. Yet, at the same time, she understood her in a way no one else could. Seungwan listened, even when she disagreed, and that was something. She fit into her life as though their encounter had been fate’s plan all along.

The love she felt for her was different from what she felt for Irene, and even her brother or her parents. It was deeper than just the camaraderie she had expected to find in a schoolmate, but she didn't want to date her.

Seungwan was like an extension of herself. She was certain that even if either of them left town, they would make every effort to keep in contact. After everything she’d talked her through and been there for, there was very little that Seulgi wouldn’t do for her. Seungwan didn’t even have to ask for Seulgi to give.

Hence, the moment she sensed that her best friend was keeping something from her, to say she had been hurt was an understatement. She had every intention of asking for an explanation.

Then, she realised that Seungwan, as wonderfully sharp and analytical as she was, genuinely could not see what was right in front of her. To be fair, Irene didn’t either. As for herself, Seulgi could only wish she had the same affliction.

As much as Seulgi would like to give anyone the benefit of the doubt, the truth was rather straightforward in this case. It just took a while for her to admit to herself.

She often woke up to messages on her phone which she had never sent, and replies that she could only wish were meant for her.

Seungwan always texted her with an update and summary, to ensure that she would have a reference in the event Irene asked one too many questions about the philosophers she brought up. However, Seulgi didn’t have the heart to tell her that she couldn’t even spell any of their names, much less survive a conversation about them.

She knew she should be thankful that Seungwan was writing on her behalf and directing Irene’s affections towards her. She had been alright with the arrangement in the beginning. After all, she had been the one to hire Seungwan for that reason.

The plan was always to get Seungwan’s help to get Irene interested and then develop a genuine relationship with her crush.

However, the longer the situation persisted, the more the contradictory nature of those goals gnawed at her. Whenever she walked alongside Irene, tried to come up with something and ended up following one of Seungwan’s topics instead, it made her feel more helpless. Every lie and every cover up, it pulled her further and further away, not just from Irene but from herself and the person she wanted to be.

It felt like she was lying on a stretch of train tracks, waiting for a train to come and run her over.

Until finally, she realised. Seungwan had been right from the beginning.

There was no way she could have something genuine and authentic with Irene when their relationship was everything but.

There were occasions when she caught herself almost wishing she had never asked Seungwan to help her. Maybe, if it had been Seungwan sitting in the seat instead of her, Irene would be happier. After all, the one who had captivated Irene’s interest was never her to begin with. All she did was put a face to Seungwan’s script and show up.

Those thoughts started out as a tiny seed of doubt, a ripple in an otherwise undisturbed pool of water. Then, like all ripples do, they spread and grew bigger, until the clear reflection became a grey distorted image.

Confessing out of the blue and asking Irene to go out with her had been a spontaneous decision on her part. She admitted that. However, the decision to take a break had been the opposite. If anything, she had done nothing but think about it for weeks.

She remembered the look on Irene’s face when she broke the words to her candidly as she left her to board the train at the subway station.

It wasn’t true to say that she didn’t care for Irene anymore. She did.

The carnival date had been her idea. It was the first time she had planned a date entirely without asking Seungwan for advice.

However, that night, she sat opposite Irene, but instead of feeling full of joy and anticipation like she used to, she felt empty. It was as though she was watching the date progress through a screen and she didn’t really know to connect with her. Irene had been texting and conversing with her more often. Yet, holding her hand, touching her arm, or even sharing food, nothing felt right.

Perhaps, she had suspected miserably, it had been wrong for a while, but she had been pretending for so long that she forgot how being in a relationship was supposed to feel.

She had watched Irene’s fingers fly across the phone at some point on the Ferris Wheel. She pretended not to notice that either. Being high above the ground made her feel light, like she was halfway in a dream.

It was only when she felt the incoming message from Seungwan that she felt something within her wake up. That was real. Seungwan was real.

‘Seul, are you with Irene-sunbae?’

‘Yeah, why?’

‘Is she okay? She’s not acting like herself.’ Seulgi’s eyes flicked towards the other girl. Irene was focused intently on her phone screen. Normally, she would be trying to make conversation, but Irene didn’t seem interested at the moment.

‘We’re on the Ferris Wheel. I don’t think she’s sick. Bored maybe?’ Then again, she hadn’t noticed anything amiss when Seungwan asked her to check on Irene during dance. She wasn’t sure when it had happened, but her relationship had reached a stage where her best friend knew her girlfriend better than she did.

‘Oh my gosh. Seul, she’s terrified of heights!’

In that first instant, Seulgi felt guilty. The next moment, the guilt had translated into anger. She didn't register the next couple of messages asking her to bring Irene to get a hot drink and sit down once they get off the ride. Seungwan didn’t even hesitate to advise her nowadays when it came to Irene. It was one of those times when her best friend just knew things about Irene that she didn't.

If Irene had a fear of heights, she should have said something to her. They’d been seeing one another for nearly two months. As much as she wanted to believe that Irene was giving them a chance, it was clear that Irene was unable to be herself around her. It made her realise that just being there and showing up wasn't enough.

That was when it clicked. Seulgi had been lying about herself since the relationship started. She wasn’t about to let Irene fall into the same trap. If anything, Irene deserved to be with someone who she could be honest with. She pursed her lips together and watched the city below them grow bigger as they were lowered to the ground.

She knew that Irene could sense something was wrong when they got off the ride.

If she had been more sensitive, she would have tried to laugh it off and convince Irene that everything was fine. However, Seulgi was tired, both physically and mentally.

The former resulted in Seulgi suggesting that they head home, and the latter was what spurred her to bite the bullet, retrace her steps to where Irene was standing, and tell her that they should take a break.

There was a moment, after the words left , where she debated taking them back. She waited. It passed. Irene hadn’t said anything. Instead, she gave her a long look, as though she was considering the implications of her request. Then, as the sound of the approaching train grew louder, Irene gave her a final nod that conveyed the same understanding she had been trying to deny. It was the beginning of the end.

She didn’t cry as expected. She felt relieved somewhat, as she took the longer way home.

That was probably the first indication that something had been wrong with their relationship.

If there was any lingering doubt left, it dissipated when she spotted a familiar hamster sitting in the corner of her best friend’s locker. It was as though the last piece of the puzzle fell into place and things started to make sense again.

She secretly smiled to herself as the other girl reached for her set of folded sports attire and shut the door.

Seungwan didn’t have to tell her and she didn’t have to ask. Her best friend was oblivious anyway. Oblivious enough to believe that she could disappear from Irene’s life and not leave a wave of destruction in her wake.

Seungwan hadn’t seen how listless Irene had been during practice the last few days. Her dance form had been impeccable as always, but it lacked the passion and life she used to inject into every performance. During breaks, she would look at her phone and sit quietly on her own. The other dancers were too scared to talk to her directly when she had a dark cloud hanging over her head, so Seulgi had been their listening ear.

They were on a break, but it didn’t mean she stopped caring for Irene. On the contrary, she felt worse, knowing that Seungwan had probably done what she did in an attempt to help their relationship. Hence, she did the only thing she could do, and invited Seungwan for a work out session, which she had accepted easily.

She allowed her smile to linger until Seungwan emerged from the changing rooms.

“Well, shall we get started on your training?”

She might have intentionally gone a little bit too hard on her best friend that day, but she got her point across.

~~

If she were being honest, Seungwan’s feelings weren’t entirely unnoticeable. Perhaps, a part of her had held on to the selfish hope that if she didn’t acknowledge those feelings, they would eventually disappear.

However, there were always moments that struck her when she recalled them. Her memories seemed to mock her now, gentle chides reminding her that the signs were there all along.

The vibration on her desk was incessant. Even a deep sleeper like Seulgi couldn’t sleep through constant buzzing.

She finally picked up the phone with a low growl. Whoever it was, they had better be prepared to receive a scolding.

“Ssseul...” There was a muffled groan and a thump. She heard a clamour and then the background quietened.

“Wan?”

Seulgi blinked her eyes blearily and looked at the clock on her bedside table. It was past 1am. She squeezed her eyes open and focused on the blanket covering half her body, trying to let her eyes get used to the lighting.

“Hee... you picked uppp. Yay!” Seulgi was definitely awake now. “I missed youuuu...”

Hearing the slur in her words, Seulgi forced herself out of bed. The floor was cold and she hissed in annoyance, but she fumbled blindly for a pair of jeans and shirt.

“Are- are... kay??” The other girl mumbled incoherently.

“Yes. Stay on the line, Wannie.” Seulgi ordered. She received a breathy giggle in response.

“Rodger that captain.”

“Can you tell me where you are?”

“Ooh! A question! Are we playing a gameee?” Seulgi held back a laugh. If she could record this conversation, she could only imagine Seungwan’s reaction once she sobered up. “Okay! I’m... hmm... somewhere... warm. Your turn.”

Seulgi rolled her eyes as she grabbed her wallet. That was no help.

“Wan-ah, do you know where you are?” She asked again.

“Nope, you asked the same question. I win! You loseeeee. This was fun.” There was a short gasp as though Seungwan had a realisation.

“You know what? You should come here! Join the party, not just stay at home and sleeeep-“ She was cut off by a chorus of yells in the background, which was joined by off-key singing of a pop song she recognised.

Ignoring the drunken jibe, Seulgi ransacked her mind for any parties she knew of. None came to mind, although it wasn’t as though she attended many. Seulgi wasn’t good with alcohol, so she tended to stay away from parties unless she had someone with her.

“Wendy-ya! What are you doing out here? Chaeyoungie’s beating your high score!” That voice was familiar. Seulgi’s eyes widened.

“Ehhhh? Yah, Park Chaeyoung!” The line cut off before she could hear anything else, but it was enough. Seulgi pinched her nose