She should have known better.

Things always ended up like this. It had been a mess to begin with and it was a long time coming.

She had gone home and found her father waiting for her in the living room. A bunch of opened mail laying on the table top.

However there was one letter in particular that stood out in the pile. It had a bright school logo on it and it was addressed to her. Without a doubt, she knew it was from the one school that she had sent in an acceptance for. The other offers from the business schools were lying in her room upstairs.

Her family was bound to find out, but she was hoping to tell them after getting official confirmation from the school. It was just her luck that her father happened to chance upon the letter before she was ready to break the news to him.

Needless to say, it hadn’t ended well.

The last thing she remembered was leaving the house after her father called her a disappointment. She hadn’t said a word in retaliation throughout. Even when he was accusing her of being selfish and disrespectful. However, when he brought up that after everything they had sacrificed for her, she owed it to them to follow the path they paved for her, Irene couldn’t sit still.

She didn’t know how long she had been sitting in the same position, but she beginning to feel a familiar tingling in her legs from sitting on the swing for too long.

She didn’t remember choosing to call Seungwan. She remembered scrolling through her contacts and stopping at the one person whose voice she wanted to hear. She also remembered considering whether she would pick up, or if she was busy. The next thing she knew, the line was ringing. The moment she saw the call window and realised she had to actually speak to the other girl, she hung up abruptly.

It would appear as a missed call to Seungwan, but Irene was more concerned about not sounding like a blundering mess in front of her. They had finally started talking again, and she didn’t want to take a risk. She hadn’t brought up the subject and neither did Seungwan, but there had to be a reason for the younger girl to stop talking to her suddenly.

Things had been going well and she had been troubled when her messages went unanswered for days. She had mulled about, going through their interactions to analyse if she had somehow done something to hurt the other girl. She had even been tempted to go through Seulgi but she didn't want to be the cause of any tension in their friendship.

The day Seungwan finally messaged with an apology, Irene was b with a mix of anger and relief. She had been glaring at the floating message bubble when the dots appeared, followed by a single word. Seungwan’s status had been mocking her. It was embarrassing to admit but she had checked her profile. Seungwan had been online sporadically, but she had chosen not to reply, until that night.

Irene had used the opportunity to be a bit selfish, but it was a spur of the moment decision. She hadn’t even realised how much she wanted Seungwan to call her by her korean name until she typed it. Irene was glad she wasn't on the line with her, because saying it out loud was embarrassing and she would have cringed at her own words. However, all of those considerations didn’t mean much because the swing next to her was suddenly occupied by the very girl she was thinking about.  

It was just that girl’s timing, to appear when she was trying, succeeding at holding her tears of frustration at bay. Seungwan didn’t even have to speak to ruin any semblance of control she had. Yet, all she could think of was that she was glad it was Seungwan and not anyone else.

It briefly crossed her mind that she didn’t leave any hints to Seungwan about where she was.

The other girl wasn’t carrying her school bag. There was a small sling bag that hung around her shoulder. It was just big enough to fit her phone, wallet and essentials. She was dressed in casual blue jeans and an oversized hoodie, all of which suggested that she had probably left the house in a hurry.

“So, funny story. I was up to my elbows in mixing bowls, there was chocolate and ingredients everywhere, I felt a vibration and I was going to pick up, amidst the mess, and then I realised that I had a missed call from someone who never calls anyone.” She sounded slightly out of breath, as though she had jogged over.

“Elbows?” She smirked. The image of the younger girl with dough and batter sticking to her arms stayed in her mind.

“That’s what you took away from all that I said?” Incredulous was an amusing look on Seungwan, Irene thought. Then again, any look would probably be amusing to her.

She tilted her head. “I called you.”

“I know you did. There’s a missed call.” Seungwan spoke slowly, as though she was explaining something to a child. Irene smirked.

“No, before.” Irene gave her a pointed look.

“Oh. Yeah, you did.” Seungwan looked away with a slightly awkward laugh. In doing so, she missed the way Irene hid a snicker behind her hand.

She was facing the other direction when Irene felt a weight settle against her thigh.  Her eyes widened when she laid eyes on the small plastic box. Seungwan cleared .

“You interrupted me while I was baking, so as punishment, you have to try these now.”

“Really?” She raised her eyebrows.

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure I either underestimated or overestimated the time they should be in the oven.” The other girl nodded seriously. “If they’re terrible, you have to eat the entire batch.”

Her eyes widened. Surely Seungwan wasn’t being serious. “But you didn’t even pick up!”

“That’s not the point. I was still distracted.” She saw her countenance waver for a second. Seungwan’s voice was stern but the bright grin threatening to overtake her expression told Irene otherwise. She trusted her.

“Fine.” Irene deliberately made a show of opening the container with much reluctance. She could feel the residual warmth from the bag, which told her how true Seungwan’s story was. However, the moment the cupcake landed on her tongue, the rest of her thoughts disappeared. All she could focus on was the spongey texture and mix of chocolate and Oreo crumble that overtook her taste buds. It was sweet, and she couldn’t help but want more.

She turned to an eager Seungwan with as stern an expression as she could maintain.

“This is the worst cupcake I’ve ever had, I’ll eat the entire box.”

Irene had to admit. One reason she enjoyed watching the younger girl was because Seungwan’s emotions were always reflected so clearly on her face. She saw her expression fall when Seungwan heard the first part, and then the confused scrunch of her features when she heard the second part of the sentence. However, her favourite moment was when Seungwan burst into laughter after realising what she meant.

The feeling that filled her heart was saccharine, but, like the cupcakes in her hand, addictive, and she wasn’t sure if she would be able to stop once she started. After the last bite of the cupcake went into , she handed the rest to Seungwan, who promptly deposited it back on her lap. She was about to protest when Seungwan interjected.

“You said it was bad, so the rest is yours.”

Irene held the box uncertainly. Maybe she was being greedy. Her parents had always told her that it was dangerous to ask for more than what was given. “Don’t you want to give some to your friends and family?”

“They’ve had plenty of chances to try them.” 

“Thank you.” Irene smiled, holding the box tightly. It crossed her mind that she left the house with her phone, wallet and blinding frustration, but she was going back with a box of cupcakes and happy memories.

“Oh,” Seungwan said suddenly, “do you want me to create a mess?”

She pointed to the leaves that had been neatly raked into a pile at the base of a tree near them.

Irene blinked in confusion. “No? Why would you do that?”

“I read somewhere that if you clean when you’re emotionally stressed, it helps to clear your mind and you’ll feel better afterwards.”

The laugh that bubbled out of her was unexpected so she didn’t have time to cover . It mostly happened when she was around Seungwan, she noticed.

“Where did you read that from?”

Seungwan blushed and rubbed the side of her arm, looking embarrassed all of a sudden. “Uh... just some... science journal?”

It the first time she had heard someone admit to reading journals in their free time. Science-related ones too.

“Are you sure it’s accurate?” She teased.

“Of course!” The younger girl exclaimed. “The study shows that the more clutter you can see, the more easily you’ll get distracted because your brain reacts to all the stimuli that appears in your range of sight. So the physical action of organising and clearing space is said to help you feel calmer.”

“I feel better now, so it’s alright.” She reassured her with a smile.

Knowing that Seungwan was thinking of ways to help her made her heart feel full. If only she knew that she didn’t have to try. She had felt better the moment Seungwan sat down on the swing next to her.

They continued swinging back and forth for a few more minutes. The trees were framed with golden light as the sun hid behind the clouds. She could feel the temperature drop slightly. The wind was getting cooler, but she still felt warm.

“So, uh, Irene-“ She promptly cut the other girl off with a stern glare. Seungwan and her had somewhat made up, but she was serious about wanting to be called ‘Joohyun’, especially when they were alone. Not that she was going to tell her that.

Seungwan cleared and started again, albeit shakily. “Joohyun-sunbae, have you ever heard of the Johari window?”

Irene shook her head.

“It’s a model created by psychologists to help people gain self awareness and understand their relationships with others.” She wondered whether this was Seungwan’s way of creating small talk with her, by forming pockets of conversations stemming from the things she read. It was different from the conversations she normally had to face in school, about make-up, fashion, and skincare products. People didn't try to have conversations about academic topics that they considered boring. Seungwan definitely didn't have the same mindset. Hence, her strategy was definitely working.

“How does it work?” She asked.

“You start off by picking a number of adjectives that you think describes yourself. Then, your peers pick adjectives they think describe you. Those adjectives get slotted into a diagram that’s divided into 4 spaces that represent different parts of yourself.”

She hummed. “Then, does that mean a person can only have 4 sections?”

“Uh, no, not exactly.” Seungwan furrowed her brow. “The common adjectives picked by both you and your peers are considered the part of yourself that’s open for the rest of the world to see. The adjectives picked by only you describe the part of yourself that’s hidden from others, while the adjectives picked by your peers describe the part of you that you’re not aware of, kind of like a blind spot in terms of personality.”

Irene took a moment to absorb the information. “And the last category?”

“Those are the unknowns. They’re like a part of you that’s undefined and both you and your peers are unaware of this side of you.”

“So, this...model suggests that there’s a part of yourself that even you aren’t aware of?”

“Well, it makes sense. If not, self discovery wouldn’t be as impactful.” Seungwan reasoned. “And sometimes you go through experiences which help you to gain a better understanding of yourself because you realise your own capabilities and desires.”

“Okay, but what’s the driving force behind this whole exercise?” She asked. “If its foundational purpose relies on a set of vocabulary that may or may not apply to someone, then isn’t it flawed because it depends on how the one wants to describe oneself?”

She shrugged. “It’s supposed to help expand other people’s view of you and help you connect better with other people and yourself, but it’s not always helpful unless everyone trusts one another enough to make assessments.”

“Was that from another science journal?”

“Psychology study.” She corrected, as though they were completely different topics.

Irene chuckled. “I can see why you and Seulgi are friends now.”

“What?”

“Seulgi, she likes to talk about random facts.” She explained. “Does she also discuss them with you?”

The other girl’s eyes widened slightly. It lasted for a second but Irene caught it. She wasn’t sure why Seungwan would be surprised.

Seulgi and her were close friends so it made sense that they had common interests. However, Seungwan looked as though she was hearing this for the first time.

Before she could ask her any questions about it, there was a vibration in her lap.

“Joohyun-unnie! You finally picked up!” Yeri’s voice was shrill but it was bursting with relief.

“Yerim-“

“Don’t Yerim me! Do you know how worried we all were?”

“We?” Irene turned to Seungwan, who was dutifully looking away. Her attempt to give her privacy was sweet. They were sitting so close that it was impossible for her conversation to be completely private, but she didn’t feel the urge to move.

“Yes, auntie called me and asked if you came to our place. Since you weren’t picking up, I called Sooyoung, who had no idea where you went either. Seulgi-unnie told us she hadn’t seen you today either, but imagine my surprise when it-“

“Wait a minute, how did you contact Seulgi?” Irene frowned. “I haven’t introduced you yet.”

“Unnie, please.” Yeri huffed. She sounded almost insulted. “I had her contact the moment you told me someone called Seulgi wrote you a letter.”

There was a pause. For a second, she wondered if Yeri had hung up.

“Is Wendy-unnie still with you?”

“Yes...” Irene frowned. How did Yeri know about Seungwan?

She glanced at the short haired girl, who was looking more awkward by the second.

“Good.” Her cousin sounded satisfied with that answer, even though Irene felt like she was missing a part of the conversation. There was a muffled voice in the background that sounded like Sooyoung before Yeri spoke again. “I’ll tell auntie you went out to have dinner before going home. Be safe.”

Yeri proceeded to hang up the call before Irene could ask her any other questions. Feeling confused at the lack of explanations, she turned to her next best target. Seungwan must have realised what she was in for because she paled and rose t