JISOO

Jisoo stood in her living room with a cup of coffee in her hand. She smiled as she sipped, surveying the world outside for a while; enjoying the view of the city from many stories above.

“... won’t go for that, Cynthia,” Rosé was saying, annoyance evident in her tone. “Fine! Fine, okay. I’ll talk to her.”

Jisoo didn’t turn. She knew what was coming. The inevitable place she’d need to be. The inevitable appearance she’d have to make. The inevitable pictures she’d have to pose for.

“You should get curtains,” Rosé said, suddenly. “It’s so ing bright in here.”

Jisoo liked the brightness, especially on cloudless days like this. She loved the bars of light dancing across her floor. “So, what’s the verdict?”

“You need to be seen,” Rosé said, as if it had been her idea and not someone else’s. “I hate saying this, but Cynthia’s right. It’s not good for you be hidden away for too long. She’s sending me some invitations for you to look over. You go, you make nice, you flirt with the stud of the week, you smile for the cameras, and home you go.”

“Okay,” Jisoo said, knowing there was no use in arguing. It was time to play nice with the New York paps. It was time to rejoin the public scene and ensure that the flame of fame never wavered.

“That’s it? No argument?”

Jisoo turned to face her new manager, who sat on the couch looking pained and irritated. “You look like crap.”

“I drank too much at that damn party,” Rosé said, rubbing her temples.

Jisoo smiled sympathetically. “If it makes you feel better, you gave a great performance on stage.”

“God, don’t remind me.”

Jisoo tried not to laugh. She was counting on Jennie to send her a copy of the video. It would make an excellent birthday present for Jackson. “Go home, Rosé. Get some sleep. You could’ve told me everything over the phone.”

“I know, I just wanted to make sure you were okay,” Rosé said, sounding more like herself and less like the grump she’d been moments before. “I was pretty gone last night, but not gone enough that I didn’t see you talking to Seulgi.”

“Talking to her isn’t going to break me,” Jisoo said, taking a seat on the couch. “We’re friends. At least, I think of her as a friend. I don’t know what she thinks of me.” She shrugged and sipped her coffee, trying to seem unaffected by it all; trying to pretend that being on the balcony with Seulgi hadn’t been the highlight of her day, that she wasn’t depressed by the impossibility of it all. “I was supposed to have lunch with Jennie today but she called earlier to cancel. She said something about drowning in red tape.”

“You don’t sound too disappointed.”

Relieved, more like, but she shrugged that off too. “We’ll reschedule. It’s not like we won’t be seeing entirely too much of each other starting Tuesday.”

Rosé nodded and yawned.

“Go home,” Jisoo said again. “Really. I’m fine. Right now it’s you that doesn’t look it.”

“Looking and being are entirely different things,” Rosé said, but started gathering her things. “By the way, I put a call out for a new assistant for you. I figured you’d want to replace me as soon as possible.”

“Thanks, Rosé, but I’m not sure anyone in the world could replace you.”

Rosé snorted as she stood. “You got that right.” She smiled. “I’ll call you later so we can discuss the many terrible parties Cynthia wants you to attend.”

“Can’t wait.” Jisoo was grateful for the silence that followed the closing of the door.

She sat on her couch and drank her coffee and tried unsuccessfully to think of something other than Seulgi. There were things she should be doing, things other than this unproductive business of yearning for the unattainable. But her mind kept going back to the night before. Jisoo had felt something, standing on the balcony with Seulgi; something she couldn’t pinpoint no matter how often she ran the scene through her head. But something intangible and undecipherable had passed between them, she was certain of it. As certain as someone could be of something they couldn’t name.

Music interrupted her thinking and she turned briefly toward the kitchen counter, where she’d left her phone. The ringtone filled the silent air until Jisoo moved to answer. There was only one person with that ringtone. “Hello?”

“Hey!”

Jisoo smiled into the phone, setting the cup of coffee down on the counter and settling down on one of the stools. Through the line she could hear the unmistakable noise of traffic mixed in with what sounded very much like drums. “Where in the world are you?”

Seulgi let out a soft laugh which sounded even softer against the sounds in the background. “I’m in front of the Met.”

That didn’t explain the drums, but Jisoo decided to let that go. “You know, for someone who thinks the Upper East Side is thoroughly uncool, you sure spend a lot of time up here.”

“I never said it was uncool, I just said TriBeCa was cooler.”

“So what brings you up here, to my relatively inferior neighborhood?”

“I was hanging out with Baekhyun and he got called up to do a work errand so I tagged along. But we’ve since parted ways. What are you up to?”

Jisoo looked around the apartment, hoping it would reveal an answer that was less pathetic than ‘sitting on my couch, trying not to think of you.’ “Just enjoying my last day of freedom.”

“Cops finally found the dead bodies you left buried in L.A., huh?”

“It was bound to happen sooner or later,” Jisoo said, and smiled, all the while wondering why Seulgi had called.

“Hey, did you have lunch yet?”

Jisoo’s heart sped up at the question. Did Seulgi want to have lunch with her? “I had coffee...”

“For lunch?”

“I woke up late,” Jisoo said, though it wasn’t much of an explanation. “Why do you ask?”

“Well, if you’re not busy, I thought you might like to try the best veggie burgers in the city? I was on my way to pick some up.”

Jisoo wasn’t certain she had understood Seulgi correctly. “You want to buy me lunch?”

“Well...yeah,” Seulgi said, sounding shy now, her voice nearly drowned out by a passing car. “I mean, unless you don’t want me to.”

Seulgi’s uncertainty made Jisoo’s heart ache; she couldn’t think of anything she’d rather do than have lunch with Seulgi. Of course, she couldn’t say that. Not in those words. “Hmm, the best veggie burgers in the city with the best artist in the city; sounds like a good deal.”

“Ooh, flattery,” Seulgi said, sounding more confident now. “Maybe I’ll throw in fries.”

Jisoo laughed, feeling both lightheaded and giddy at the thought that the girl she had feelings for was buying her lunch.

“So, be there in like... twenty minutes or so?”

“See you then.” Jisoo waited until Seulgi had hung up to do the same. She sat for a minute or two, staring nervously at her phone; half-expecting Seulgi to call back and say she’d changed her mind, or had dialed the wrong number originally and was terribly sorry for her mistake. But the phone remained silent, leading Jisoo to believe that everything was as it should be. She glanced quickly at the time. Seventeen minutes left to shower and get ready, which left no time at all for sitting around feeling doubtful.

Jisoo showered quickly, lingering under the spray only long enough to convince herself that none of this meant anything; that Seulgi was just being friendly. And that was good enough, Jisoo thought, as she picked out something to wear from the plethora of options in her closet. She opted for dark, boot cut jeans and a deep blue shirt that she’d often been complimented in. Not that it matters, she reminded herself, as she slipped into the clothes. The knock came soon after, and Jisoo hesitated only briefly to regard her reflection. Her hair was still wet, but it would have to air dry. She often wished her mirror could talk just so it could tell her how she looked. Not that it matters, she repeated again, walking away from the mirror and her uncertain reflection to welcome Seulgi into her home.

Her heart sped up as she turned the knob, anticipating those few, awkward seconds that accompanied any initial greeting. She smiled as Seulgi came into view, unable to help the way her stomach fluttered at the sight of her.

“Hope you’re hungry,” Seulgi said as she walked in, the scent of food trailing in behind her. She glanced into the living room area and then back at Jisoo. “The couch arrived! It looks great.”

“Yeah, this girl I know helped me pick it out,” Jisoo teased, closing the door. “She’s a little weird, but I think she has good taste.”

Seulgi made a face that read something like, “Hey.”

Jisoo decided she liked that face. “You can hang your jacket on my brand new coat rack.” And she motioned to the object in question as if she were modeling a first place prize on a TV game show.

Seulgi handed over the bag of food and began unwinding her scarf. “Fancy,” she said. “Did it come with the couch?”

“Rosé brought it over. I think she was tired of having to put her things in my room.” Jisoo watched with veiled interest as Seulgi removed the excess layers of clothing. She wondered if Seulgi knew how y she looked with her hair half-way up. She caught herself staring and dropped her gaze to the bag in her hands. “This smells good.”

Seulgi met the comment with a smile. “I hope you like it,” she said as she hung her jacket. “Next time I can treat you to the best vegetarian hotdogs in the city.”

Next time. “Are you trying to convert me to vegetarianism?”

“Even if that were my ultimate goal, I wouldn’t tell you,” Seulgi said, hooking her thumbs on the back pocket of her jeans. “It would ruin my carefully constructed plans for Vegetarian Domination.”

Jisoo lifted a brow. “V.D.?”

“I clearly didn’t think that through enough,” she admitted, and laughed.

Jisoo shook her head, amused. She headed toward the kitchen to set up their meal. “I was surprised by your call,” she said, before she could think better of it, “I would’ve figured you’d be out with Kai.”

“Oh,” Seulgi said, sounding surprised. “Well, he said he’d call. He hasn’t yet. But I hear that’s normal in the dating world.”

“I’m sure he’ll call,” Jisoo said, trying to sound supportive. She hated the thought of Seulgi with someone else, but hated the thought of someone hurting Seulgi even more.

Seulgi shrugged as she joined Jisoo in the unpacking of the food. “Oh, what happened with Jennie? I forgot you might have plans with her today.”

“She had to work,” Jisoo said, aware that Seulgi was standing entirely too close. She hated that she enjoyed the closeness; it felt like a betrayal. She stepped away, moved toward the cupboard to grab a couple of glasses. “What would you like to drink?”

“Water is fine. Sorry about Jennie.”

“Don’t be,” Jisoo said, filling the two glasses with water. “Starting this week we’ll practically be living together.” She looked over to see that Seulgi was looking at her strangely. “Something wrong?”

Seulgi shook her head, offering a quick smile. “No, nothing at all.” She walked around the counter to sit down. “Are you excited about the new film?”

Jisoo hesitated before answering. The truth was that she had mixed feelings about the movie. She loved the story, loved the idea of it, but playing a lesbian still terrified her. The thought of doing love scenes with both Jennie and Joy filled her with panic. “Umm,” she said, as she joined Seulgi. “I’m not sure how I feel about it exactly.”

Seulgi looked at her curiously, as if trying to guess what Jisoo meant by that. Then she looked away. “Dig in,” she said, sliding a paper-wrapped burger toward Jisoo.

Jisoo accepted the offering with minimal complaint, recognizing at once that she was starving. She was aware that Seulgi was watching her as she took the first bite, and though she hadn’t given much thought to the claim that this was the best veggie burger in New York, the burst of flavor in told her that Seulgi could very well be right. “This is delicious,” she admitted.

Seulgi looked satisfied with Jisoo’s assessment and turned to her own meal. “The fries aren’t as good,” she said, sounding regretful.

Jisoo took her cue and tried one. “It’s not bad,” she argued. “A little soggy, maybe.”

“A little soggy?” Seulgi picked up a fry and held it by one end, demonstrating as it bent in the center to form a slightly deformed “L.”

“Okay, I see your point,” Jisoo said with a laugh, and returned to her food. “Hmm, you know, this burger is really good, but I’m not sure it’s the best in the city anymore.”

Seulgi looked at her in surprise. “Oh?”

“Yeah, you still haven’t tried my recipe,” Jisoo said. “I mean, if you’re up for the challenge.”

“You think you can make a better veggie burger than this?” 

“Oh, I know I can.”

“Well, that I’d have to see,” Seulgi said. “Challenge accepted, though I reserve the right to be perfectly honest. I take my veggie burgers very seriously.”

“I wouldn’t expect anything less.” Jisoo ran her weekly schedule through her mind. “How about next Saturday?”

“It’s a date.” 

***

SEULGI

It’s a date. Now why had she said that? It wasn’t a date. Seulgi knew that. She didn’t even know if she wanted it to be a date, were a date even an option; which of course it wasn’t. She glanced briefly at Jisoo, aiming to say something else to dismiss the ‘date’ comment as a kind of joke, but her phone chose that moment to interrupt the suddenly silent air. “Sorry,” Seulgi said, digging into her pocket to retrieve the object. “It’s my mom.”

“No worries.” 

“Hello?”

“Why you never call?” In the background of her mother’s voice, Seulgi could hear the overacted chatter of her mom’s favorite kdrama.

“I called on Friday, Hyunsuk said you were out.”

“When are you coming? There’s someone I want you to meet.”

If her mother wanted her to meet someone, it could only mean one thing: setup. “Who?” she asked, already guessing the answer. No doubt South Korean, no doubt good-looking, no doubt male.

“A real decent guy, you’ll see. It’s a cousin’s friend, he’s coming to New York to get a master, he’s handsome.”

“Mom, I don’t want you setting me up. I’m already sort of seeing someone. I told you about him.”

“You’ve told me nothing,” her mother said, sounding annoyed now. “All I know is that he’s an artist like you. You two are going to starve. Two artists together. Are you crazy?”

“We’re not going to starve just because we’re both artists, please. Don’t be ridiculous.”

“I only tell you because I love you.”

“I’m at a friend’s place; can we talk about this later?”

“What friend? That boy friend?”

“Female friend.”

“Okay, I have some food here that I want you to come and take.”

Seulgi often wondered how her mother’s brain functioned. How had they gotten from a romantic setup attempt to food? “You know I don’t like to cook,” she said. “Why don’t you offer them to Chanyeol?” It was risky, she knew, bringing her step-brother up, but it felt important to keep mentioning him. There was silence from her mother’s end of the line, and had it not been for the background noise Seulgi would’ve thought perhaps her mother had already hung up. But then she spoke,

“Pick them up before Friday or they will go bad.” And the line went dead.

Seulgi sighed, momentarily forgetting that Jisoo was still sitting beside her, doing her best to look un-interested in the conversation. Seulgi had a feeling the actress had heard every word; Seulgi’s half anyway. “Sorry about that,” she said, and dropped the phone on the counter next to her now undoubtedly cold burger.

“Everything okay?”

“Yeah,” Seulgi said, and meant to change the subject, but Jisoo was looking at her with concern and before she could stop herself she was babbling. “It was just my mother trying to drive me insane like usual. One second she’s trying to set me up with some random boy I’ve never met, the next she’s telling me Kai’s not good enough for me because he’s an artist. At least she’s moved on from trying to get me back with Sehun.” She shrugged, suddenly feeling like she’d said too much. “Is your mom like that?”

“My mom died when I was young,” Jisoo said, and she suddenly froze.

“God, I’m sorry,” Seulgi said, wishing she could go back and delete the question from the transcript of their conversation. She’d known about Jisoo’s mother, had read about it somewhere on the Internet, but it was hard to remember sometimes that the person she read about online was the same person sitting next to her.

“It was a long time ago,” Jisoo said as if to mean that it didn’t matter. But Seulgi could see a flash of something in Jisoo’s eyes that made her think otherwise. “My step-mother drives me crazy, though, if that answers your question.”

It didn’t, not exactly. “Does she try to set you up with hot guys too?”

Jisoo looked genuinely amused by the question, as if the thought were ridiculous. “Guys, yes. Hot, no. We don’t get along. You know, we pretend, for my father’s sake, and for the sake of giving in to appearances. She’s big on appearances. She likes the idea of me, of me being famous and all of that, but she doesn’t like me. I’ll always be someone else’s daughter to her, a stain on her otherwise perfect marriage.”

Jisoo managed not to sound bitter, somehow, and Seulgi was surprised that the actress could speak so matter-of-factly about something that had to hurt her. “What about your father. Are you close with him?”

Jisoo looked thoughtful, as though the question had never occurred to her. “Not really,” she said finally. “I know he loves me, but we both know that I don’t fit in with his life; that I don’t want to fit in with it. He tried for many years to get us to be a family, but it never worked out.” She looked hesitant, as if she wanted to say more, but wasn’t sure she should. Then, “I was very close with my grandmother. But she passed away a few years ago.”

Seulgi could tell that this wasn’t a subject Jisoo talked about very often, and Seulgi wanted to hug her, or take her hand, or do something to show that she understood that the topic was painful. But she wasn’t brave enough for physical contact, no matter how badly she wanted to close the space between them. “You’d never mentioned her before,” she said, trying for something different than the usual ‘I’m sorry.’

“I know. I don’t really like to talk about it,” Jisoo said, her tone gentle, as if not wishing to offend.

“Because it hurts too much?” Seulgi knew she was pushing the subject, but she couldn’t keep the words from tumbling out of . Jisoo didn’t answer, so Seulgi added, “My father left when I was little. I don’t really like to talk about it either.”

Jisoo looked at her, a sad smile playing at the corner of her lips. She was silent for several seconds, until finally she said, “Do you want me to heat up your burger?”

The shift in conversation startled Seulgi briefly and she glanced at the burger in question, having forgotten it was there. “Oh. No, it’s fine. I don’t mind it cold.”

“Are things any better between your family and your step-brother?”

This conversation was starting to feel like a rollercoaster. “No, it doesn’t look like it,” she said, the subject depressing as always. “I don’t think they’re ever going to get over it. It’s frustrating.” But it was more than that, Seulgi was starting to realize. She’d thought all along that her persistence in mentioning Chanyeol was done out of love, out of a desire to see her family reunited. And while that was a big part of it, it wasn’t the whole truth. Buried deep beneath her selfless acts of goodwill was a deeper, more selfish reason: She was terrified that one day it would be her at the other end of her mother’s contempt.

“You okay? I’m sorry I brought that up. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

Seulgi forced a quick smile in Jisoo’s direction. “I’m fine,” she said. And she was. With any luck at all, her taste in women was limited to Hollywood actresses, which hopefully meant that she wouldn’t have to worry about these types of feelings bubbling up again. Now all she had to do was figure out a way to push her current feelings back to wherever they’d sprung from, and then she’d be perfect. Right. In any case, it was time to change the subject. “So, why aren’t you sure how you feel about the movie?” she asked, picking up her burger before it got any colder than it already was.

Jisoo tucked a strand of brown hair behind her ear and stared pensively at the view from the windows. Seulgi watched her, quietly wondering how many other people harbored secret feelings for the actress. When Jisoo looked back at her, Seulgi looked away, pretending she’d been focused on eating. “I think I’m just nervous about being with Jennie on screen, while...”

“Being with her off-screen?” Seulgi supplied, her stomach knotting at the thought.

Jisoo looked embarrassed, though she didn’t go as far as blushing. “Nothing’s happened,” she said.

“But it could.”

Jisoo nodded slowly, as if processing the idea of that. “Yeah, I guess it could. But, you know, I’m nervous about that, too.”

Jisoo’s openness surprised her. It was strange to see the actress looking so shy and uncertain. It made Seulgi want to... what? Kiss her? Hug her? She took a sip of water while thinking of something to say that wouldn’t give away how she felt about the situation. “She’s probably nervous, too.”

“Jennie Ruby?” Jisoo let out a soft laugh. “From what I gather, she’s had her share of women.”

“Yeah, but probably none as beautiful as you,” Seulgi said, and the words were out before she had a chance to stop them.

Jisoo looked at her suddenly, startled, and she could swear that the actress was blushing now.

Anxious to change the words lingering in the air between them, Seulgi said, “I mean, being that you were just named one of the world’s most beautiful people, it seems like a safe bet.” She smiled, hoping to look casual, though she felt nothing short of mortified by her inability to edit herself.

Jisoo seemed to recover from her surprise, and was smiling at her in a way that would’ve appeared flirtatious had Seulgi not known any better. “Were you stalking me again?”

“Joy was, actually,” she said, grateful to have the spotlight off herself for a change. “She’s really excited.”

“I’m really happy she got the part,” Jisoo said, smiling still. “She’s really good.”

Seulgi detected something else hidden beneath the words, and she found herself wondering how Jisoo felt about her scenes with Joy. “Is she your type?” she asked, because had lost all communication with her brain and was apparently flying solo.

“Is who my type?”

“Joy.”

“As in... am I attracted to her?” Jisoo sounded both perplexed and amused.

The question had plagued Seulgi from the moment Joy told her that they’d kissed. Seulgi hated the idea of Jennie and Jisoo together, but even worse was the notion that Jisoo might be at all attracted to Joy. Worse still was the knowledge that none of this should be bothering her in the first place. It was none of her business who Jisoo found attractive. “Sorry,” she said, feeling foolish. “I shouldn’t have asked that.”

“Redheads are more Jackson’s type.”

It was Jisoo’s diplomatic way of saying that she wasn’t interested, and though she didn’t want to admit it, Seulgi was relieved. “You prefer brunettes?” Seulgi teased, thinking of Jennie.

“I don’t put much emphasis on hair color, honestly,” Jisoo said a moment later. “Why? Is there someone you want to try and set me up with?”

Yes, a hot artist. If she weren’t so petrified of the idea, Seulgi quickly amended. “No, I just find it mystifying that you’ve never had a girlfriend. I thought maybe you just had a really specific type... like a bald, one-eyed hunchback... with a beard.”

“That does sound terribly y.”

Seulgi loved Jisoo’s smile. She was certain it was to blame for all of these feelings. No one with a pulse could resist a smile like that; she was sure of it. “I’ll be on the lookout, then.” She thought of Baekhyun’s advice, how spending time with someone might lead to getting over them, but spending time with Jisoo just made things worse. “What are you doing tomorrow?”

“Interview and photo shoot in the morning, and I am pretty sure that I’ll have to be at some kind of party tomorrow night. Why?”

“Are you free for lunch?”

Jisoo shook her head regretfully. “I’d be free for dinner?”

Seulgi thought of the plantains her mother wanted her to pick up, which would undoubtedly come with an assortment of other food that she would be forced to prepare. “Have you ever cooked real Korean food?”

“I haven’t, actually.”

“Would you be at all interested in helping me cook whatever random ingredients my mother forces upon me when I go visit her tomorrow? No pressure, if you don’t feel like it.”

“I thought you hated cooking?”

“Oh, I do. But you love it. So, I figure my hatred of it and your love of it would coalesce to create a balanced cooking experience.”

“And in an odd way that makes perfect sense. Count me in.”

Seulgi was shocked by her own audacity, but relieved that Jisoo had accepted her somewhat spontaneous offer. “So, say... around... six?”

Jisoo smiled again. “It’s a date.”

*****

JISOO

The sunlight chased shadows across the black carpet of the limousine as the vehicle pushed forward through mid-day traffic, and Jisoo watched the moving patterns with mild interest before shifting her gaze to the window. Date. That was the word Seulgi had used and she had echoed it, thinking it safe. But there was nothing safe about the way she felt around Seulgi, and especially about Seulgi, which made it all the more difficult to stop obsessing about word choice versus intent.

“The photos from today turned out great, by the way.”

Jisoo said nothing as the moments of silence ticked by. She didn’t know how to express that she didn’t care.

“And that photographer was pretty hot, huh?” Rosé continued, simultaneously tapping away on her cell phone. “What was her name? Something exotic, I think.”

“Lisa,” Jisoo said, and almost smiled.

“Still, she was hot.”

Jisoo hadn’t noticed. She vaguely recalled the lights shining down on her as she struggled to maintain a photogenic pose, listening as the woman’s voice guided her from one captured moment to the next. She mostly remembered thinking about Seulgi. “How did you do it?”

Rosé frowned as she looked up from her iPhone. “Do what exactly?”

“Get over me.” Jisoo stared intently at her friend, searching for the answer in her eyes. “You said you’d liked me before... how did you get over me?”

“You’re seriously asking me that question?” Rosé sounded both startled and embarrassed. She looked away, as if debating whether or not to answer. And then, “There’s no trick to it, Jisoo. There’s no one way to get over someone.” She looked down at her phone again but made no move to resume typing on it. “I’m guessing that’s what you’re really asking.”

“It is,” Jisoo admitted, and the thought that she might have offended Rosé entered her mind. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked that.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Of course it matters. Your feelings matter to me. Even the ones I didn’t know about at the time.”

Rosé didn’t respond right away, and the sound of surrounding traffic took the place of silence in the interim. “Jisoo, I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but... have you ever considered that maybe you only like her because you think you can’t have her? That maybe you only allow yourself to feel something for her because you think it’s safe?”

Safe; there was that word again, and Jisoo frowned only briefly before resting her head against the window. She let the question loiter in the empty spaces of the limo as she watched the buildings pass. What was the purpose of finding reason to emotions? There was no such thing as safety where feelings were concerned. There was only the hope of love and the fear of love and both weighed down with equal force. “I can want her,” she said finally, “and still fear having her.”

“But would you still want her if you had her?”

“Yes,” Jisoo said easily, knowing it was true. “Not that there’s any chance of that happening.”

“You can’t possibly know that.”

“Well, I’d rather think that there isn’t,” Jisoo admitted. “Even if she liked me... even if I could bring myself to hope that she’d return my feelings... what’s the point? She’d always leave me in the end.”

“Well, that’s a dumb attitude.”

“We’re all with the bluntness today, aren’t we?”

Rosé shifted in her seat, looking serious. “Jisoo, you can’t go into a relationship thinking it’s not going to last. Granted, odds are that it won’t, but that’s not to say that the journey to the breakup isn’t meaningful. Just because two people find out that they’re not made for each other after months of putting up with stuff like Mexican robots and impromptu rings doesn’t mean the relationship was a total waste of time.”

The words registered one-by-one in Jisoo’s mind, and she looked at Rosé in surprise. “Did you and Jackson broke up?”

Rosé bit her bottom lip in response. Then she said, “It depends on how you feel about it. If you’re upset, then no, we’re quite happy together.”

“Rosé,” Jisoo said, feeling impatient. “Why didn’t you tell me? When did this happen?”

“About a week ago.” Rosé sounded relieved as she launched into the topic. “We got into a huge fight about... well, it doesn’t matter. We just realized it wasn’t working out. We want different things; we’re not at the same place emotionally, etcetera.”

“So, just like that? It’s over?” The thought was depressing. Jisoo struggled to wrap her mind around the notion that two people could one day be madly in love and the next... what?

“Well, we’re still friends,” Rosé said. “I love Jackson and I know he cares for me but the timing isn’t right. Honestly, it’s all a bit of a cliché.”

“Compete with Mexican robots?”

Rosé let out a laugh. “He didn’t tell you about Buttercup? Wait, no, not just ‘Buttercup’ but ‘Buttercup!’ with an exclamation point at the end.”

“I think I’d remember that conversation.”

“It’s this mystery script he told no one about. And somehow, God only knows, he secured funding. And I was all excited about it until he told me it was about a killer Mexican robot named Buttercup whose battery runs on nachos.”

Jisoo’s mood lightened and she giggled. There was something uplifting about Jackson’s insanity. “Please tell me it’s going to be a musical.”

Rosé brightened suddenly. “Oh my God, I hope so! It’s actually a far more exciting project now that I don’t have to think of it as my boyfriend’s. Anyway, he’s still being all sorts of secretive about it,” she added, as her cell phone chimed. She took at look at the screen and shook her head. “Did you take a look at those invitations I gave you? Inquiring minds want to know what parties you’ll be attending.”

“I think I’ll go by that night club that’s opening tomorrow night,” Jisoo said, mentally sorting through the options. “I was thinking...” She paused, realizing she hadn’t thought it through enough and perhaps shouldn’t voice it.

“You were thinking...?”

She considered saying something other than the truth but decided that was senseless. “I was thinking of asking Jennie to meet me there... you know, accidentally on purpose. But I don’t know, maybe it’s stupid.”

“I think as long as you’re not caught making out with her in the bathroom, it should be fine.” Rosé smiled. “So you’re going for it then?”

“I don’t know,” Jisoo said, because that was really the truth of it. “I feel like I should do something other than pine over Seulgi. And I like Jennie... I just can’t figure out to what degree I like Jennie, or to what degree I could like Jennie.”

“You overanalyze this stuff too much. You either like her or you don’t. You either want to sleep with her or you don’t. You can think about it all you want but it’s not going to change how you feel when she’s in front of you. And the same goes for Seulgi; you can downplay your emotions to your heart’s content but it’s not going to make you want her any less.”

“Maybe I should fire you as my manager and hire you as my shrink.”

“You could,” Rosé agreed with a smile, “but I don’t think you could afford me.”

***

SEULGI

The apartment smelled faintly of bleach and fried food; the remnants of another productive day in Kang Dara’s life. Seulgi sat in the living room, thinking that her mother looked both exhausted and depressed. Guilt rose within her with such force that she swallowed. She should’ve visited sooner and called more often. She should’ve been more available. But she’d been selfish, caught up in frivolities and silly crushes, and now here was her mother, looking sullen and worn down.

“I really wish you’d dress better,” Dara said, clicking her tongue disapprovingly. “Don’t you have nicer clothes?”

Seulgi glanced down at her t-shirt and jeans and wondered what her mother saw instead; perhaps a leather bustier and a thong; maybe chaps. But the guilt was still there, making her want to please her mother. “Maybe we can go shopping sometime.”

Surprise shone clearly in Dara’s brown eyes. “Okay,” she said, “if you want.”

“I want,” Seulgi said confidently, thinking that maybe it was true. Maybe she wanted to dress nicer, whatever that meant. Maybe a certain movie star would notice her then. And she pushed that thought away before it could take shape in her mind. “Where’s Seunghyun?”

It seemed like an innocent enough question, but her mother’s mood darkened. “I don’t know,” she said, in a tone that implied the end of the conversation. She reached for the remote and the television. “I’m going to watch the end of my drama.”

The sudden shift caught her off-guard and she struggled to make sense of her mom’s reaction. What had she missed? “I’ll just pack up the food,” she said, standing.

“I threw them out.” 

“What? Why?”

“They weren’t good.”

Seulgi stared at her mother, hoping for an explanation or at least a moment of clarity through osmosis; neither came. Dara turned up the volume on the television and settled into the chair. “You should watch this,” she said, “it’s really good. There’s a young guy... so handsome. He’s in love with a girl but he doesn’t know that she’s really the spirit of his dead sister.”

“I’m gonna go say hi to Hyunsuk,” she said, annoyed that her mother was shutting her out. She headed down the hall, feeling less guilty. Now she remembered why she hadn’t visited in a while. She knocked on her brother’s door. When he answered, she entered, trying to remember the last time she’d been in there. She couldn’t put a date to it, but little had changed. The twin bed remained against the left wall, sheets unmade and half-way to the floor. The walls were plastered with predictable images: Cars, Demon Hunter, BattleMechs, and the occasional half- woman.

Seulgi was nearly done with her inspection when her gaze landed on a familiar face. Hidden within the collage of wall decorations was a fold-out of Kim Jisoo, clad in a black bikini; water and wet sand sprinkled across her smooth skin. Seulgi’s first instinct was to stare, to take in Jisoo’s perfect form and commit it further to memory. But then she felt a jolt of anger at herself, and then at her brother. She had the sudden urge to rip the poster from the wall and sling hypocritical comments at Hyunsuk.

“Um, are you just gonna stand there all day?”

Her anger deflated at the sound of his voice. He was sitting at his desk, playing a video game on his computer. “What are you playing?”

“Minecraft,” he said distractedly, his fingers moving quickly over the keys. “What brings you to my lair?”

“Mom’s being weird.”

“Yeah.”

She leaned against the side of his desk. She watched him quietly for a minute or two. His dark hair was getting too long, bangs falling across his face as he moved to the rhythm of the game. His brown eyes sparkled with the monitor’s reflection, the moving images flickering as his gaze darted from one side of the screen to the other. “What’s going on with her?” she asked, returning to the subject at hand. “She won’t tell me.”

“She thinks Seunghyun is sleeping with the lady downstairs,” he said casually, his attention on the game.

The words shocked her and she blinked. “What? Why? Is he?”

He snorted and then laughed. “He is too much of a to cheat on mom. But don’t worry, I looked into it to make sure. Mom don’t need that again.” 

“Doesn’t,” she corrected.

“Yeah,” he said, nodding, distracted still by the action on the screen, but sounding passionate about the conversation matter. “I’d kick his ing if he pulled the same stunt that other bastard did.”

Seulgi thought of their father and felt her anger for him return. “Why does mom think he is cheating?”

“Because he’s seeing some shrink downtown,” he said. “I went through his stuff and found the receipts and the appointments. He’s got to go like three times a week. There was some letter from his boss, too, demanding that he see someone ‘cause of some stress-related breakdown he’d had at work. But of course he’s too ing macho to admit that. So he keeps making up about where he is and what he’s been doing. He came home with some Korean food the other day and said he’d gone to pick them up at the market and then today that lady came by asking for adobo or some crap and somehow it came out that the food was from her. Mom flipped the out.”

“Jesus,” Seulgi said, wrapping her mind around the story. Wondering where she’d been through it all. “Why is he having breakdowns?”

“Chanyeol, probably. He’s all torn up about it; goes around acting like he lost a son. Mom, I think, is just relieved it wasn’t one of us that turned out queer.” Panic, that’s what Seulgi felt at the words; fear so strong that it left her momentarily breathless. Her gaze flashed to the poster of Jisoo and she felt ashamed.

“How’s Chanyeol?” Hyunsuk asked softly, so softly that Seulgi almost didn’t hear him.

“He seems okay,” she said carefully, unsure why her brother was asking; surprised that he had. “Why?”

He looked at her quickly and shrugged. “I miss him.” His voice was quiet, as if worried that someone else might overhear. “I don’t hate him or nothin’. You know?”

Seulgi didn’t know, but she suddenly wanted to. “You reacted pretty strongly...”

“Yeah, well.” He shrugged again, uncomfortable with the topic. The game appeared forgotten. “Look, this is the sort of that spreads around. Suddenly everyone’s whispering about it. You know how it is, don’t pretend you don’t. Those ing women on the stoop with nothing better to do than sit around talking about other people. And before you know it, you can’t go anywhere without hearing crap like, ‘Oh, that’s Dara’s son, hi’s brother is a ,’ and suddenly they’re wondering if you’re gay too. I don’t need that kind of , you know? You’re a girl so it’s cool if you hang out with fags down in the village, but it’s different up here and it’s different for me. It’s hard enough trying to keep some ing from breaking my face with a baseball bat for no other reason than he thinks I looked at his girl. He don’t need added reasons like thinking I was looking at him instead.”

Seulgi sighed, wanting to hug her little brother and take him someplace safe. But nowhere was safe, so she simply hugged him.

“Let go,” he said, but didn’t sound convincing, and after a second, she felt him hug her back. “I miss you, you know. When are you bringing that new guy of yours around? I gotta see if he’s good enough for you.”

Seulgi pulled away, taking a seat at the edge of the bed. “It’s nothing serious.”

“No? Mom made it sound like you were in looooove.”

“She would. What about you? Any prospects?”

“I’m saving myself for Joy, you know that.” He smiled. “How is she? I heard she’s in some Kim Jisoo movie?”

Jisoo’s name sounded odd coming from her brother’s lips. “She is.”

“That’s so ing cool,” he said, shaking her head. “Hey, is it true that there’s like... chicks kissing in it?”

Uncomfortable now, she frowned. “Where did you hear that?”

“Read it online somewhere. I was looking it up to see if Joy was mentioned, but there wasn’t much. Just that Kim Jisoo would be making out with chicks. Is it true?”

“That’s what I hear,” she said.

“Hot. She’s so hot. Do you think Joy would introduce me?”

The change in conversation had become decidedly disturbing, she realized. It was bad enough that her brother had Jisoo’s picture on his wall; the thought that he might also lust after her made Seulgi’s stomach turn. “I’ll ask her,” she said, and stood. “I should get going.”

“Okay, see ya.”

“I’ll call you,” she said, her guilt from earlier returning. “We should hang out sometime.” 

“With Joy?” he asked hopefully.

“What, am I not enough for you?”

“When you can introduce me to Kim Jisoo, maybe.”

Seulgi was tempted to say that she could; that, in fact, she was headed to Jisoo’s apartment soon to cook now-nonexistent food and hang out. But she only smiled and said, “Fair deal.” She forced herself not to glance at Jisoo’s poster before stepping back out into the hall.

****

JISOO

“Your raw ingredients smell remarkably like Chinese food,” Jisoo said, as Seulgi walked past her into the apartment, carrying a white plastic bag in one hand. She did her best not to stare too intently as Seulgi passed.

“Change of plans,” Seulgi said, looking apologetic as she handed the bag to Jisoo.

“Didn’t make it to your mom’s after all?” she guessed, peeking into the bag to make sure her senses weren’t lying. Familiar white cartons stared up at her.

Seulgi shrugged out of her jacket as she answered, “Long story. I hope you like Chinese. The veggie hotdogs place was inexplicably out of buns.”

Jisoo wondered if she’d get to hear the long story or if the subject was closed to discussion. “I do love Chinese,” she said, and began leading them toward the living room.

“Hey, that’s new,” Seulgi said suddenly, stopping to look at the new coffee table. “How do you manage to get new furniture from one day to the next?”

Jisoo placed the food on the new table; a late-night purchase inspired by insomnia and boredom. “I ordered it online and it arrived this afternoon,” she said. “But don’t worry, I called in and asked someone to sit on it for me to make sure it wasn’t lumpy.”

Seulgi narrowed her eyes in an attempt to look menacing, but succeeded only in looking like she was trying to read something from far away. “Joke all you want,” she said, giving up on the squinting. “This couch is godly and I bet you that your friend Spankybottoms would agree.”

Jisoo grinned at her from the kitchen, and then returned to the business of getting the drinks. She guessed that water would always be Seulgi’s beverage of choice, so she didn’t even bother asking before pouring Evian into a glass. But then she hesitated before bringing the drinks over, suddenly embarrassed by her assumption. Maybe Seulgi liked drinking something else with Chinese food. “What would you like to drink?” she asked, hoping that Seulgi wouldn’t notice that the drinks had been served.

“Water, please,” Seulgi said, busy placing the cartons of food on the table and therefore oblivious to what Jisoo was doing in the kitchen. Jisoo felt both pleased and relieved as she carried the filled glasses toward her destination. She added ‘drinks water with meals’ to the list of things she knew about Seulgi. The list was nowhere near long enough; she wanted to know more. Get a grip, she thought as she took a seat, doing everything in her power to avoid eye contact. She was certain that the words ‘I want you desperately’ were written all over her face, and Seulgi would take one look at her and know everything.

“I wasn’t sure what you liked,” Seulgi said, opening cartons, “so I went for variety.”

“I like everything,” Jisoo said, distracted by the delicious smell of food as well as Seulgi’s proximity.

“Good, ‘cause I think I got pretty much everything,” Seulgi said, and laughed. “You’re not on a diet or anything, are you?”

“Not at the moment,” Jisoo said, picking up a carton to inspect its contents. Shrimp lo mein; her favorite.

“So you’re just naturally perfect?”

Jisoo risked a glance in Seulgi’s direction, startled by the unexpected compliment. “Well, I do have a personal trainer and sometimes work with a consultant dietitian back home,” she admitted.

“Ah, so not naturally perfect,” Seulgi teased.

Jisoo contemplated Seulgi’s words. She was used to women complimenting her appearance, but seldom did these comments come without an obvious hint of envy. She couldn’t figure out what Seulgi was thinking. Women didn’t just call her perfect without betraying a certain level of sarcasm. Any positive comment was generally followed by an unspoken and scathing afterthought and Jisoo had learned to read between the lines. But when it came to Seulgi, she drew a blank. “I’m hardly perfect,” she said, just to see what Seulgi would say to that.

“No,” Seulgi said, as if agreeing. She’d picked up a carton of food and dug in with abandon. She looked thoughtful as she chewed. “I’m sure you don’t think so. But to... to other people looking at you... you are.”

What other people?, Jisoo wanted to know, forgetting all about the food. She had the overwhelming urge to grab Seulgi by the shoulders and say, “Be direct, damnit!” But she did nothing of the sort. Instead, she watched Seulgi eat until she realized she was staring, and then she looked away. “Do you usually eat from the container?”

“Oh, God, I’m sorry!” she said, clearly embarrassed. “It’s such a bad habit. Joy has this thing where she likes to imitate stuff on TV, and people in movies are always eating out of the box, with chopsticks, I might add, which is totally impractical. I know, because she managed to fling pork fried rice all over our living room several times before giving up and switching to a fork. Long story short: I hate doing dishes so the concept was appealing... and now here I am; Chinese food faux pas central.”

“Try saying that ten times fast.” She glanced down at the open carton of shrimp lo mein. “Do you eat shrimp?”

“Nope,” Seulgi said. “That’s all yours.”

Jisoo picked up a plastic fork and shrugged. “Then I’ll join you in being totally improper.” Seulgi’s smile was reward enough for doing something that went completely against her dining etiquette. “So, why the change of plans?”

Seulgi looked confused for a moment, as if trying to recall what the plans were originally. “Oh,” she said, comprehension dawning. “My mom thinks her husband is cheating on her with the lady who gave him the food.”

Jisoo wasn’t sure what she’d been expecting as an answer, but that was hardly it. “Is he cheating?”

“According to my younger brother, who fancies himself a private investigator suddenly, he is merely going to a psychiatrist three times a week because he’s having trouble coping with Chanyeol’s uality. And it appears that he prefers dealing with a wife that thinks he’s cheating to admitting any sign of weakness, emotional or otherwise.”

“Wow,” Jisoo said, because nothing else came to mind as an appropriate response.

“And so my mom claims that she threw the plantains away, but knowing her temper as I do, I’d not be surprised if she’d instead flung them at the lady’s head.” She paused to contemplate the thought. “I really hope they don’t get sued over this.”

“You’re not going to tell your mom that he’s not really cheating?”

“I thought about it,” Seulgi said. “I thought about it all the way back here, and at the Chinese restaurant, and on the walk to your apartment, and I’m still thinking about it. I just feel like it’s none of my business, you know? I don’t want to get involved. Maybe I can send her an anonymous letter instead.” She shrugged. “I bet your family isn’t quite so dramatic.”

Jisoo thought of her father, whom she hadn’t spoken to in... she couldn’t remember their last conversation, actually. She couldn’t recall being around any of them long enough to witness any drama. “I can’t imagine my stepmother flinging food at anyone’s head, if that’s what you mean.” Though the visual amused her; Jisoo wasn’t sure that Janet knew how to throw anything besides a dinner party.

“Yeah, I guess it’s a little scary that I can totally imagine my mom doing it.” Seulgi laughed. “I hope these plantain-tossing tendencies don’t run in the family.”

“I have trouble picturing you mad,” Jisoo said.

“Hmm,” Seulgi said, thoughtful again. “I guess I just bottle things up. I tend to avoid confrontation. I think that’s why I stayed with Sehun for so long: The fear of the dreaded breakup conversation.”

The topic of breakups brought Rosé and Jackson to Jisoo’s mind. Had they avoided the breakup conversation or dived right in? The thought that they were over depressed her. Did love just vanish into thin air? Could she wake up one morning and not care about Seulgi at all?

“You okay?”

Jisoo forced a smile in her direction. “Yeah, sorry—“

An unfamiliar sound interrupted the rest of her sentence and they both turned to look in the direction of its source.

“Sorry, that’s my phone,” Seulgi said. “I can just let it go to voice mail.”

“I don’t mind,” Jisoo said, knowing she was partly curious to know who it was, which only made her feel nosy.

Seulgi seemed to battle with the decision to answer or not, but she eventually made her way over to get the phone out of her bag. “Hey, I didn’t think you’d call.”

Jisoo focused on eating, doing her best to appear uninterested.

“No, I totally get what that’s like,” Seulgi was saying quietly, though Jisoo could still hear. “It’s fine... I had fun too...”

It was Kai, Jisoo could tell, and she felt a painful surge of desperation. She could, at that moment, envision herself striding across the room, pushing Seulgi against the wall and kissing her with everything she had, trying to squeeze one more second of hope out of this impossible situation.

“Oh, my God!” Seulgi yelled suddenly, and Jisoo looked over, instantly panicked that she had somehow read her mind. But Seulgi was smiling into the phone. “How did you manage that?”

Jisoo took a deep breath, trying to regain control of her emotions. She would not let jealousy drive her insane. She had to accept that Seulgi was with Kai. Period. Roll the credits.

“Of course I want to go,” Seulgi said, sounding more enthusiastic than Jisoo had ever heard her, “trust me, I’d cancel any other plans if I had them.”

Angrily, Jisoo speared a defenseless shrimp and popped it into . Of course she’d want to go. Of course she’d cancel any other plans. And Jisoo’s vow not to let jealousy get to her flew briskly out the window.

“See you then,” Seulgi said and then she locked her phone.

Do not do anything idiotic, Jisoo instructed herself, because she felt very much on the brink of throwing herself at Seulgi and begging for a chance. Seulgi approached and Jisoo pretended to concentrate on the food, worried that one look at the artist would unravel what was left of her self-control.

“I’m sorry about that,” Seulgi said, dropping her phone on the table and reclaiming her spot on the couch. “There’s a gallery opening tomorrow night and Jennifer Myers Quinn is the featured artist and Kai, somehow, managed to snag an invitation and asked me to be his plus one. I can’t begin to tell you how much I love her work; and to be in the same room with her, oh, my God.”

Seulgi sounded so excited that Jisoo couldn’t help but smile, and then, while trying to suppress thoughts of stabbing Kai with a plastic fork, she remembered something. “Jennifer Myers Quinn?” Frowning, Jisoo put the food down on the table and headed to the kitchen counter to look through the invitations her thoughtful publicist had sent her way.

There, toward the top of the pile, was an invitation to witness and experience the unveiling of Jennifer Myer Quinn’s “breathtaking” new collection. She’d paused at the invitation when she’d first seen it, thinking Seulgi might love to go, and regretting the fact that she couldn’t invite her. Showing up with Seulgi as her guest was out of the question. She stared at the invitation, thinking. “I’m going to that,” she said after a second, knowing, as she said it, that it was a stupid and selfish idea. She handed the invitation to Seulgi. “Maybe I’ll see you there.”

If possible, Seulgi looked even more excited. “What do you know? Small world.” She looked at the invitation and bit her lip. “I’m going to have to skip class tomorrow and buy a new dress. This looks fancy.”

“I’m sure you’ll look beautiful,” Jisoo said, before she could edit herself. That wasn’t at all what she’d meant to say.

Seulgi looked up, surprise written across her face. Then she smiled. “I’m pretty clueless when it comes to fashion, actually. I think I’ll have Baekhyun go with me, though. He’ll make me look amazing. Gay boys have special powers.”

“I’ll have to find myself one of those, then.”

“I don’t think you need any help with looking amazing.”  Seulgi said meeting her gaze and Jisoo thought for the first time ever that maybe the temperature of her place was, indeed, too hot for a human body.