SEULGI

Seulgi scanned the list of incoming emails and sighed, pushing the laptop away. A mixture of disappointment and annoyance overcame her; disappointment that Sooya hadn’t written and annoyance at herself for caring so much. She stretched out on the bed and reached for her sketch pad. Asobi Seksu’s “Thursday” played from her computer as she stared at the blank page of the notebook. She let the music carry away the seconds spent lying there, doing nothing.

The song drowned the sound of the front door opening, but from her bed Seulgi had a clear view of Joy walking into the living room. “How did it go?” she called through the open door, simultaneously muting the computer.

Joy came to a stop in the doorway to Seulgi’s bedroom. “I’m going to tell you something, and you’re not going to believe me.”

Seulgi sat up. “You got the part?”

“No. Well. I don’t know.”

“Oh.” Seulgi leaned back against the headboard. “Go on then. Don’t keep me in suspense.”

Joy leaned against the doorframe and crossed her arms. “Guess who I just made out with.”

“Um, the person you had to audition with?”

Joy smiled. “And who do you think that was?” She sighed at Seulgi’s blank stare. “Here’s a hint: she’s starring in the movie.”

It took Seulgi a moment longer than it probably should have to think of Kim Jisoo, and when she did, her jaw dropped. “No way.”

Joy only nodded, grinning like the Cheshire cat.

“You kissed Kim Jisoo?” Seulgi asked, trying to wrap her mind around the thought of her best friend making out with the actress.

“Mmhmm.” Joy pushed herself away from the door and sat on Seulgi’s bed. “We had this totally flirtatious scene together, which apparently only gets steamier. And then I had to kiss her.”

“Wow,” said Seulgi, trying to picture it all and failing.

“I really thought it’d be weirder, but... I don’t know. I was totally into the scene and acting with Jisoo was really intense, you know? And when it came time to kiss her I wasn’t nervous at all. It was so cool.”

“Kissing her?” Seulgi was trying to go along with Joy’s enthusiasm, but her emotions weren’t letting her. She felt strange suddenly; overcome by a flurry of emotions that made no sense to her.

“No, I mean the whole experience. The first audition was fine, but it was a lot more involved this time. I guess ‘cause I was acting with someone instead of just reading lines. But, oh my God, I kissed Kim Jisoo.” Joy was practically bouncing on the bed.

Seulgi forced a smile, curiosity getting the better of her. “And what was that like?”

Joy grinned. “It was hot. And I’m hoping it looked even hotter cause I really want this part.”

Seulgi wanted to know more; she wanted details she didn’t know how to ask for. She decided to drop it. She was starting to make herself uncomfortable. “So when do you find out if you got it?”

Joy shrugged. “No idea. Hopefully tomorrow.” She stood. “I’m gonna go call everyone I know and tell them that I made out with Kim Jisoo. I’m going to make so many people jealous tonight.”

Joy watched her go, trying to decipher what about the thought of Joy and Jisoo kissing bothered her so much. Perhaps nothing did, she considered. Perhaps she was just frustrated that she couldn’t come up with a single idea for Jisoo’s wall and any mention of the actress only served to bring her down. That had to be it, she decided, turning the music back on. Either that or PMS, she added, hitting a key on the computer to make the screensaver disappear. She glanced at her inbox because she couldn’t help it, but there was nothing new.

She sighed and opened a fresh email.

To: Sooya Kim

From: K. Seulgi

Subject: Random and totally out of context question

Do you ever feel weird for no reason?

-S.

P.S. This email is a shameless attempt to get you to write back to me.

P.P.S. Did you finish Harry Potter?

Seulgi thought of Kim Jisoo as she typed the final words, and it occurred to her that she could have just as easily been asking the actress the same question.

Seulgi stared thoughtfully at the screen for a long time before finally hitting send.

***

JISOO

The lights were on in her apartment when Jisoo came home and had she not been warned by the doorman that she had an unexpected guest, she might have been concerned. “Jackson?” she called.

“In here.”

Jisoo followed the sound of his voice and found her best friend in the kitchen, seated on one of the stools Rosé had brought over in a moment of defiance. Jackson was dressed casually in a blue t-shirt and jeans, and though nothing in his demeanor betrayed his mood, Jisoo could tell something was wrong. “Hey,” she said, looking at him carefully. “What’s going on?”

Jackson sighed and looked at her. “I think I need to break up with Rosé.”

Jisoo’s heart sank. “Oh, no. Why?” She frowned at him. “Are you cheating on her? You better not be che—“

“I’m not cheating on her,” he interrupted, sounding frustrated. “It’s this whole... “ He waved his hands around. Then he looked indignant. “You know I had to get rid of all my girl-on-girl ?”

Jisoo had no idea how to react to that. “Um... okay?”

“I was worried that she’d find it and want to watch it and then get all and then realize that maybe she’d rather have a girlfriend.”

Jisoo rolled her eyes and removed her coat, draping it over the counter. “Yes, because Lesbian es II can have that effect on a woman.”

“You never know. Oh, and by the way, you’re welcome.” 

“I’m afraid to ask.”

“I dropped everything off at your place,” he said, winking. “Figured you could get some enjoyment out of it.”

“Excellent! I’ll just invite Rosé over and we can enjoy it together.”

Jackson frowned. “That’s just mean.”

“You’re being idiotic,” she said flatly, and walked over to the fridge to get a bottle of water. “You need to put your male ego aside and get it through your thick skull that she loves you. God knows why.”

“I’m really good in bed. And I am a great cuddler.”

“Then what are you so worried about? Stop being such a wuss and admit that you’re totally in love with her and that it freaks you out because you’ve got the emotional maturity of a gnat.”

“Hmm...” Jackson seemed to consider this, then looked up sharply. “Hey, didn’t you have that audition thing with the hot redhead today?”

Jisoo let out a long breath and leaned against the counter, thoughts of the kiss flashing through her mind. “We kissed. For like an eternity it seemed like before Jennie finally yelled cut.”

“Wonder if Rosé managed to get some of that on video?” Jackson looked thoughtful. “Man, I hope so. Was it like full on make out session? Was there tongue?”

Jisoo rolled her eyes at him.

Jackson only grinned. “Oh come on. Tell me something. Did you enjoy it?”

Jisoo thought back to the moment in question. There had been a split second of panic in which she’d forgotten that she was supposed to be acting. But she’d somehow managed to sink back into character, and then it had felt like every other kiss that had ever come before. “Her lips were soft,” she said, because that had been her first impression. “But other than that, it was... acting.”

“You should’ve gotten Sungi an audition.”

Jisoo frowned briefly. “Seulgi.”

“Seulgi, sorry,” he amended. “How’s that going, anyway?”

“Well, I’m still lying to her, and earlier, I made out with her best friend. So, you tell me.”

Jackson smiled. “That just sounds like my life back in college.”

Jisoo sighed. “Don’t you think Rosé is wondering where you are?”

“Yeah, she probably is.” He turned serious suddenly. “And you’re right, I am totally crazy about her.”

“Crazy being the operative word here.” 

“And it does freak me out.”

Jisoo smiled sympathetically. “Just don’t do anything stupid. Or... you know, anything stupider than you usually do.”

“I can make no such promise.” Jackson stood and grabbed his coat from the stool next to him. “So when are you telling Seulgi the truth?”

“I don’t know. Soon.”

Jackson looked at her, but said nothing. He offered a kind smile and kissed her cheek. “She’s not going to hate you.”

“How can you possibly know that?”

He shrugged. “I don’t. I just thought it was one of those b.s.-type things you wanted me to tell you. Like ‘it’s going to be fine.’”

“Okay. Just stick to encouraging me to get laid. You’re much better at that.”

He grinned and headed toward the door. “Thanks for the chat. I feel a lot better.” 

“Wish I could say the same!”

Jackson laughed and walked out the door.

Jisoo stood with her back against the counter, letting the silence descend upon her. Her thoughts bounced around from nothing in particular to Seulgi and back again.

Tomorrow, she decided. She would tell Seulgi the truth tomorrow.

****

Rosé and Jackson dug into their breakfast with abandon, and Jisoo wondered when it was that they’d last eaten. She watched them now, sitting in her kitchen, shoveling mouthfuls of eggs and bacon into their mouths as though they’d been wandering through the desert and at last found an oasis.

“God, this is so good,” Jackson said, between bites. “What did you put in this?”

“Eggs,” Jisoo said flatly. She watched them for a moment longer. “I’m sorry, did you guys spend the past week in the jungle?”

Rosé swallowed half the glass of orange juice before replying. “We, uh, had a long night.”

“We were talking,” Jackson said.

“Talking,” Rosé echoed quickly.

“Right.” Jisoo could all but see the quotation marks around the word “talking,” but she smiled anyway. She leaned against the counter that separated them.

“So,” said Rosé. “What did you call us over for? Not that we don’t appreciate the breakfast, because we do.”

Jisoo cleared . “I’m planning to tell Seulgi the truth. Today.” They stopped eating abruptly.

Jackson frowned. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

“Why wouldn’t it be?”

He put down his fork and looked at her, his eyes shining with something like concern. “Because what’s stopping her from releasing all those emails to the press?”

Jisoo almost sighed. “She wouldn’t do that.” 

“You can’t know that.”

“I do and she wouldn’t.” Jisoo insisted because she was certain it was true. Seulgi would never stoop that low.

“Maybe you should have her sign a non-disclosure agreement before telling her.” This from Rosé .

Jisoo hadn’t expected this. The months of teasing had only prepared her for more teasing. “Are you guys kidding me?”

“You made me sign one,” Rosé pointed out.

Jisoo did sigh then. She grew serious. “Look, I’m telling her. Today. For better or worse I want all of this lying to end. And I need you guys to be onboard with this.”

They exchanged concerned glances but finally nodded. “How do you plan to tell her?” Jackson picked up his fork again and Jisoo relaxed.

“Well,” Jisoo began, “I have no idea. That’s why you guys are here. I figured you could help me rehearse.”

“Rehearse,” Rosé repeated, looking doubtful. “Shouldn’t it be a little more natural? Shouldn’t it come from the heart?”

“Yes, if I want to fall completely apart in front of her.”

“Okay,” Jackson said, “How about... you kiss her. She’ll be so startled that when you go, ‘and by the way I’m really Sooya’ she’ll be too distracted to notice.”

Jisoo resisted the urge to slap him over the head. “Why don’t I just flash her as I tell her?”

“That might work too.”

Jisoo turned to Rosé. “Any ideas?”

“You could just email her.”

Jisoo had considered that. “But then I run the risk of her not believing me.”

Jackson chuckled. “You could attach a picture of yourself holding up a sign that says, ‘no really it’s true.’”

Jisoo grabbed his plate and pulled it away from him, out of reach.

“Hey!” Jackson pouted, holding up his fork menacingly. “Give that back.”

Jisoo ignored him. “I thought I’d just invite her over and... then... just tell her.” Jackson had come around the island to get his plate back. Jisoo let him.

“Then that’s what you should do,” Rosé said.

Jisoo nodded. That’s what she’d do. She’d invite Seulgi over and then confess. But how to confess? How to even begin explaining?

***

SEULGI

Another class day over and Seulgi couldn’t have been more glad to have it all behind her. She rode the elevator up to her floor watching the flickering light above her threaten to give out. The elevator groaned with the effort of existing, and Seulgi briefly wondered what it might feel like if it were to suddenly give out and plummet to the ground. But the thought was morbid and she pushed it aside. The doors opened, slowly, noisily, but altogether proudly - as if to say, “And here you thought I wouldn’t make it.”

The hallway was well-lit, surprisingly. A new light bulb? Seulgi wondered. A neighbor turned the corner, dragging along a toddler who was yelling something Seulgi couldn’t make out. Seulgi tried to smile politely, trying to offer something akin to understanding, even sympathy. But what did Seulgi know about having a child? The question was crystal clear on the neighbor’s face as she silently passed by, the kid trailing behind, shouting.

Seulgi unlocked the door and stepped inside the apartment. The TV was on which meant Joy was not at work. “I’m home!” she called. She closed the door and dropped the keys into the pocket of her jacket. She made her way to the living room.

Joy was lounging on the couch, her feet propped on the coffee table and Seulgi’s computer on her lap. When she looked up she was grinning. “Guess who’s been cast in the next Kim Jisoo’s movie?”

It took Seulgi a few long seconds to realize that the answer was Joy. “They called? You got it?”

“About an hour ago. I called to tell you but I got your voicemail.”

“I turned off the phone for class.” Seulgi was smiling, trying to build up the appropriate level of enthusiasm, but Joy seemed calm; like she was over it all, which made Seulgi unsure of what to say. Finally, she dropped down on the couch beside her friend and said, “How can you be so nonchalant?”

Joy turned her head in her direction, her straight reddish hair in a pony tail. “I yelled and screamed and jumped around so much that one of the neighbors came over to tell me to shut the hell up. And now... well now I’m just ing exhausted. You, however, have a lot of screaming and jumping to catch up on.”

Seulgi smiled and leaned over to peek at the computer screen. “What are you doing?”

“Research,” Joy said simply. “Or stalking, depending which way you look at it. I’ve been researching everyone that’s in the film. I left Kim Jisoo for last though so we could stalk her together.”

Seulgi frowned and stood up, shrugging out of her jacket. It was hot in the apartment for a change. “I don’t want to stalk Kim Jisoo.”

“Oh, come on, sure you do,” Joy said in a tone that bordered on whiny. “She’s all over the web. We can read up on all the gossip and then we can each take turns finding out what’s true. For example, she was seen kissing her co-star from Guardian a few weeks ago at some charity event. Can you find out if they’re together? He’s pretty hot.”

It was the first time Seulgi had thought of Kim Jisoo as potentially not single, and a part of her wondered what else the web might reveal about the actress. She sat back down. “I’m not going to ask her if she’s dating someone.”

“Why not? That’s easy enough to slip into a conversation.” Joy turned her attention to the screen. “Did you know Jisoo’s not even her real name?”

Seulgi wasn’t surprised, but she was suddenly curious. “What’s her real name?”

“Er,” Joy said distractedly, looking at something on the screen. “Hang on. I’ve got her Wikipedia entry bookmarked.”

Seulgi waited patiently, her mind still trying to wrap itself around the fact that her best friend had landed a role in a movie. Playing a lesbian. A lesbian who got to have with Kim Jisoo. Seulgi blinked away any mental images of what that might entail.

“Okay, found it,” Joy said. “’Kim Jisoo was born Sooya Kim on January 3rd, 19 —‘“

“Wait, what?” Seulgi grabbed the laptop somewhat suddenly and violently away from Joy. She read over the words, their meaning sinking in. That was Sooya’s name. That was Sooya’s birth date. What the hell? Seulgi handed the computer back to Joy and stood, her head spinning with questions.

“What’s wrong?” Joy sounded concerned. “Seul?”

Seulgi forced a smile. “Ah, nothing. Sorry. I just um... I need to lie down, I think. Cramps.” She started toward her bedroom and shut the door, knowing Joy would come knocking eventually. She looked around the room, not really seeing anything. Her mind was racing. Sooya. Maybe it was a coincidence? Such things happened. Didn’t they?

Her phone began to chime, interrupting her thoughts and Seulgi dug it out of her jacket pocket. She tossed the jacket on the bed and looked at the screen: Rosé Park. Frowning, she answered. “Hello?”

“Good afternoon, Ms. Kang, it’s Rosé Park, Kim Jisoo’s assistant. Jisoo was hoping you could stop by her apartment tonight?”

Seulgi’s frown deepened. “I haven’t come up with anything—“ 

“She just wants to talk.”

Seulgi didn’t know what to make of that. What would Kim Jisoo want to talk about? The artwork she hadn’t yet started on? The fact that her best friend was now in her movie? “Okay, sure, what time?”

“Any time today is fine,” Rosé replied. “Feel free to drop by.”

“Okay.” Seulgi hung up feeling overwhelmed. She had to talk to Sooya. They had to clear the air. Seulgi dialed Sooya’s number and waited for her voice to appear suddenly in Seulgi’s ear. She couldn’t remember the last time they’d talked. There was the click of someone picking up, followed by the robotic sound of Sooya’s voicemail, “You’ve reached 3-1-0...” Seulgi hung up.

She picked up her jacket and walked out of the door. She’d go visit Kim Jisoo. Maybe the trek would clear her mind.

Joy was looking at her funny when Seulgi passed. “Where are you going? I thought you had cramps?”

“Kim Jisoo has summoned me to her lair,” Seulgi replied. “Be back later.” 

“Find out if she’s dating Skyler Rodriguez!”

Seulgi let the request hang in the air as she headed for the door.

*****

The ride uptown felt longer than usual. Seulgi tried to pour her jumbled thoughts onto a sketchpad, if only to contain them for a short while, but her mind kept drifting to Sooya. What was going on?

A man sat beside her on the subway. He reeked heavily of alcohol and the pungent scent of him fell on her like a wave. At the next stop, she moved to sit elsewhere and landed next to a girl with short spiky hair who smiled at her as if she knew something she didn’t.

Once above ground, she tried Sooya’s number again. It rang and went to voicemail, and Seulgi gave up. She hurried down the sidewalk toward Kim Jisoo’s apartment. She kept glancing at her phone, willing it to ring. She shouldn’t care this much, she reminded herself, but her stomach was in knots; she felt anxious.

The doorman waved her through without protest and Seulgi hurried toward the elevator. The sooner she got to Kim Jisoo’s apartment the sooner she could leave.

Seulgi knocked on Jisoo’s door and waited. She could hear the actress’ voice on the other side and wondered if Jisoo had company. “... don’t want to bring a date to the party,” Seulgi heard Jisoo say, and then the door opened. “Sorry, Jennie, can I call you back?” the actress said into the cell phone at her ear. She looked surprised to see Seulgi standing there.

Seulgi took a moment to inspect the actress’ outfit du jour: blue jeans and a white t-shirt. She thought of Baekhyun’s proclamations about Kim Jisoo’s taste in clothes and wondered what he’d say if he knew the actress seemed perfectly at home wearing Levi’s and what looked to be a Fruit of the Loom t-shirt. Jisoo had a watch, Seulgi noted. And that much looked expensive. “Your assistant said to come whenever...”

Jisoo looked nervous. That was the first thing Seulgi noticed. The second thing Seulgi noticed was the smell; or lack thereof. She’d gotten used to smelling food when walking into Kim Jisoo’s apartment. But there was no coffee brewing and no food cooking. There was simply the soft, lingering scent of Kim Jisoo’s perfume—or was it soap?—as she passed by to close the door. The actress’ hair was wet; that was the third thing Seulgi noticed.

“Thanks for coming,” Jisoo said, sounding apologetic. And nervous. Why was Kim Jisoo so nervous? If she wanted to fire Seulgi all she had to do was say so.

Seulgi slipped out of her jacket. The apartment was its usual sauna-like temperature and Seulgi idly wondered at Jisoo’s electricity bill. She followed the actress into the kitchen.

“Would you like something to drink?”

Seulgi settled on one of the stools by the marble counter as the actress headed for the fridge. “No, thanks. I’m okay.”

Jisoo let the fridge close and walked over to sit on the remaining stool. She placed her cell phone on the counter and sighed. “So, you’re probably wondering—“

Ringing interrupted whatever Kim Jisoo was about to say, and Seulgi glanced at the cell phone between them before realizing that the sound was coming from much further away.

Jisoo slid off the stool and looked apologetic. “It’s my other phone, sorry,” she said, heading off in the direction of the stairs. “I’ve been waiting for this stupid call from my agent. Sorry. I’ll be right back.”

How many phones did one person need? Seulgi glanced up to see the actress in her room. The ringing had stopped and Jisoo was speaking in hushed tones with whomever as on the other end of the line. Seulgi looked around, taking a moment to observe the view beyond the windows. Her mind drifted back to Sooya. Maybe she could text her. Maybe Sooya was somewhere where she couldn’t talk. But maybe a text message she’d get.

Seulgi took her cell phone out, glancing briefly to make sure Jisoo was still on the phone. And then she typed, We need to talk. Call me, into the text area. She hit send and put the cell back in her pocket.

A second later, Kim Jisoo’s cell phone sounded, and Seulgi only glanced at it because the sound caught her attention. But then she stared. There on the screen of Kim Jisoo’s very expensive phone was the last name she expected to see.

Her own.

****

The screen on Jisoo’s phone turned off after a few seconds and Seulgi finally tore her gaze away. Her mind shut down, and a broken record took over. “Oh my God,” were the only words running through her mind. Her heart hammered in her chest as she took out her cell phone again. With shaking fingers she pressed the buttons. Calling Sooya... appeared on the screen. She didn’t bother putting the phone to her ear. She simply watched Jisoo’s, thinking perhaps it had been a coincidence. Or a trick of the lights. Or proof that she needed to get glasses. But then, there it was. A ringtone with a song she didn’t recognize. Incoming call from Seulgi. “Oh my God,” and this she said aloud. She stood because sitting felt impossible.

Jisoo was already walking back, and Seulgi looked up just in time to see the actress freeze mid-step. Comprehension dawned. For the longest time, neither said anything. The phone on the kitchen counter continued to ring.

Seulgi locked her phone and silence fell over them. 

“I was just about to tell you,” Jisoo said softly.

Snippets from emails and phone conversations suddenly flashed through Seulgi’s mind. All of that... had been Kim Jisoo? She sat back on the stool, because now standing felt impossible. There was no Sooya. There had never been a Sooya. It was this that shocked her. It was this that was unfathomable. And still she couldn’t formulate any words.

Jisoo took a tentative step forward. “Seulgi... I...”

There was nothing after that and Seulgi forced herself to look up, to look at Kim Jisoo and dare her to continue.

“I don’t know where to begin,” Jisoo said. “I thought it would come to me once you were in front of me but...”

The silence was unbearable, but Seulgi didn’t know what to say. She barely knew what to feel.

“I never meant to lie to you,” Jisoo began suddenly. “I fell in love that day in Central Park when I saw your sketch on that table. I... I’ve never felt like I had to have something quite so badly before. And I took it home and I had it framed and I would stare at it, and I know it may sound crazy but it made me feel... I don’t know. It made me feel... better; less alone. And I thought you’d want to know that I loved it. Only, I couldn’t tell you who I was because I didn’t think you’d believe it. And because I have this thing about privacy, too. And really all I wanted was for you to know that it meant something to me, you having created that sketch. It affected me, somehow.”

Seulgi only stared at the actress because she couldn’t yet muster a reaction. The words weren’t quite sinking in. All she could think about was how one moment she’d had a friend in California and now... what? What was she left with?

“I know you must think I’m a horrible person,” Jisoo continued. “I hadn’t expected that the emails would continue or that they would spiral into something so...” She let the sentence hang, and picked up another. “I didn’t want the fact that I’m Kim Jisoo to taint the way you saw me.”

Jisoo looked so pained that Seulgi looked away for fear that she’d be tempted to comfort the actress. She suddenly felt too many things at once. She felt a rush of anger and sadness and a lingering sense of loss. Mostly she felt tired. The fall-asleep-and-wake-up-days-later kind of tired.

“Please say something.”

The actress’ voice was soft and pleading and Seulgi forced another glance at Jisoo. “I think I should go,” she said.

***

JISOO

“Please don’t.” She sounded pathetic even to her own ears. She couldn’t begin to imagine how she sounded to Seulgi. This wasn’t at all how Jisoo had envisioned things. Seulgi wasn’t supposed to figure it out. Not today. Not moments before Jisoo was about to tell her.

Seulgi’s face revealed nothing of her thoughts, and Jisoo had no idea what was going on behind those beautiful brown eyes. 

“Why not?” She met Jisoo’s gaze. “What do you want me to say? That it’s okay? That I understand? Well, it’s not okay and I don’t understand. So I think it’s for the best if I go.”

Jisoo’s vision blurred with tears and she looked away. She wouldn’t cry. Not now. Not in front of Seulgi. “Okay,” she said, forcing the emotions out of her voice. Seulgi passed by her and Jisoo turned to watch her go. A part of her hoped that Seulgi would turn around and say something else, something to soften the blow of the departure. But she didn’t.

The front door echoed through the apartment as it slammed shut.

***

SEULGI

Seulgi couldn’t remember getting back home. She couldn’t remember anything beyond walking out of Kim Jisoo’s apartment. And now she was standing in front of her door, staring at the number as if it might suddenly come to life and make everything better. She sighed and unlocked the door. She could hear music coming from Joy’s bedroom the moment she stepped inside and she suddenly regretted coming home.

She almost turned around to head back out, but Joy wandered out of her room at that very moment.

“Oh, you’re back,” Joy said cheerfully. “Guess what?”

Seulgi kicked the door closed and tried not to sigh at her best friend. “What?”

“Jennie Ruby called to invite me to a party.” Joy all but bounced as she said this. “And because I’m the greatest friend in the whole world, I asked if I could bring you, and she said yes!”

Seulgi had never felt more depressed. “A party?”

Joy was grinning. “Yeah! For the movie. The whole cast’s going to be there.”

That was all Seulgi needed: a party with Kim Jisoo. “Thanks, but I’ll pass.” She brushed against Joy as she passed.

“I’m sorry, was I speaking Chinese just now?” Joy trailed after Seulgi. “This is a big deal.”

“Yes, for you it’s a big deal.” Seulgi was in an awful mood and Joy wasn’t helping. She shouldn’t have come home. She should’ve gone for a walk through the park or stopped for coffee somewhere. Once in her room, she began removing her coat. Joy leaned against the doorframe and crossed her arms. “What’s wrong?”

Seulgi dropped her scarf on the bed and took a deep breath. She considered, for the briefest of moments, telling Joy everything that had just happened. But Seulgi wasn’t altogether certain what had happened, other than she’d simultaneously lost an employer and what appeared to be an imaginary friend.

“Just stupid people in the subway pissing me off,” she said instead.

“Yes, but I guarantee none of them are invited to Jennie Ruby’s party,” Joy said, and smiled.

Seulgi forced a smile in return. Joy didn’t deserve to be on the receiving end of Seulgi’s bad mood.

“Look, the party isn’t until Saturday and hopefully by then you’ll be free of cramps and PMS.”

“Joy, I hate parties. You know I hate parties. Why would you drag me to this?”

“Because this isn’t just a party, Seul. This is a celebrity gathering. Forget stupid college parties. Those are way behind us now. We’re stepping into an entirely new world of social interaction.”

Seulgi dropped down on the bed. “Fine,” she said, not meaning it. On Saturday she’d come down with a migraine. Or a cold. Or whatever would get her out of having to go.

But for now, Joy looked satisfied and that was enough for her. Her best friend mercifully retreated from the bedroom and Seulgi closed the door. Alone with her thoughts, she returned to the bed and lay down. There was no Sooya. This was still the thought going through her mind. There was no funny, mysterious girl in California who liked to read books that Seulgi would never dream of reading on her own. There was no one to text message during class, out of boredom, and no one to text her back. There was no one to email in the middle of the night.

Her thoughts inevitably turned to Kim Jisoo. The actress’ words were still dancing around in Seulgi’s mind and Seulgi still didn’t know how to feel. Somewhere between Kim Jisoo’s apartment and her own, the anger had dissipated. But the confusion remained. There was no Sooya. But there was a Jisoo. A Jisoo that liked to cook random and elaborate meals for no apparent reason. A Jisoo that dressed simply but lived extravagantly and who seemed to have a very strong and mystifying aversion to furniture.

Seulgi frowned at the ceiling. Maybe she should have stayed and talked things through. Maybe she had been hasty in her departure and entirely too cold in her reaction. The memory of Jisoo’s tear-filled eyes flashed suddenly through Seulgi’s mind and she felt a sudden flood of regret for having walked out. But were those tears real? How did you trust someone who’d lied to you for months? How did you trust someone who played pretend for a living? How much of Sooya was Jisoo? And how much was a lie?

***

JISOO

Jisoo had been surprised by the knock at the door and she had rushed to answer it, thinking—hoping—that perhaps Seulgi had returned to continue the conversation. But it was a false hope, and she knew it before she checked on the identity of her visitor. Sighing, she opened the door. “What are you doing here?”

Rosé smiled and held up a bag. “Getting you really drunk.”

“Thanks, but no thanks.”

Rosé put the bag down. “You look like ,” she said.

“Goodbye, Rosé.” Jisoo closed the door and started to move away. But the knock came again. “I’m not in the mood!”

“You have to talk about it,” came Rosé’s voice from the other side. 

“I really don’t.”

“Well can I at least use your bathroom?”

Jisoo hesitated. “How do I know you’re not lying?”

“Because you’re my boss and I would never dream of lying to you.” Jisoo rolled her eyes but opened the door. “Make it quick.”

Rosé rushed in and headed toward the kitchen. “Haha, er!” She laughed. “I’m putting the vodka in your freezer!”

Jisoo wasn’t in the mood for this. She swung the door closed and headed up to her bedroom. She crawled into bed and pulled the covers over her head. Maybe if she ignored her, Rosé would go away. Jisoo closed her eyes in the darkness beneath her comforter. She felt like a mess. After Seulgi had gone, Jisoo had read the text message Seulgi had sent earlier in the day. There were also a bunch of missed calls that must have come while she’d been on the phone with Jennie. Seulgi must have suspected something. And it was almost inevitable that she would eventually. But did it have to be today?

She heard Rosé on the stairs and a moment later, the covers were yanked away.

“This isn’t good,” Rosé said, tossing the covers off the bed entirely. “Depression doesn’t suit you. Come on. Talk to me.”

“What is there to say?” Jisoo crawled across the bed to get the covers back. “She hates me, which is the least depressing of my thoughts. At this point I’m merely hoping that she hates me. If she hates me at least that means she cares. If she doesn’t hate me then that leaves... what? Indifference. Ugh.” She pulled the covers over her head again.

Rosé sighed and sat down at the edge of the bed. “If she were indifferent she wouldn’t have walked out. She would’ve said... I don’t know... ‘pass the cheese.’”

Jisoo frowned and pushed the covers aside. “’Pass the cheese?’” 

“I don’t know! I don’t know what indifference sounds like.”

“But ‘pass the cheese’? Who says ‘pass the cheese’?”

Rosé thought about it. “Mice?”

Jisoo rolled her eyes and sat up. After a moment, she said, “I hate this. I mean, I saw it coming but...”

“Give her time. She’ll come around.”

But Jisoo shook her head. “I don’t want to believe that. I can’t believe that. It’s better if I just have no hope at all.”

“Look, you’re going to be acting in the same movie as her friend, so odds are you’re going to see her again anyway.”

Jisoo covered her face with her hands. “I had totally forgotten about that.” She had forgotten entirely about Joy. “What if Seulgi tells Joy everything? What if Joy gets pissed off and decides to out me?”

“Then we’ll deal with it,” Rosé said calmly.

It sounded so rational coming from Rosé’s lips that Jisoo had no choice but to believe it. She sank back into her pillows. “I’m tired,” she said, hoping Rosé would take the hint.

Rosé looked at her with concern but nodded. “Fine,” she said. “But I’m leaving you the vodka.”

Jisoo almost smiled. “Thanks for coming by to check on me.”

Rosé stood. “You’re welcome. Jackson wanted to come, too, but his idea of cheering you up was bringing over and ordering a stripper. So I told him I could handle it.”

“And thanks for that too.”

Rosé paused on her way down the stairs. “I do think she’ll come around,” she said, and then continued on her way.

Jisoo listened for the sound of the front door and when it came, she let out a breath. Seulgi might forgive her, she knew, but it was more likely that she’d never want to talk to Jisoo again. And as much as it killed her to sit by and do nothing, doing something felt inappropriate. She couldn’t call and she couldn’t just show up at Seulgi’s doorstep. Emailing was a silly idea, and text messaging was worse.

So she was left only with waiting and secretly hoping for the best.

***

SEULGI

Seulgi woke to the sound of a car commercial on television and she watched the flickering images on the screen until her mind began to clear. She sat up on the couch, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. And then she heard the knock on the door.

Yawning, she stood up, wondering at the time. The light in Joy’s room was off and the door was open, which meant her roommate was out. Did Joy work that night? Seulgi couldn’t remember. She hated naps. Time always felt displaced afterwards. She reached the door and paused with her hand on the lock. “Who is it?” she called, and wondered if anyone anywhere would honestly answer, “a murderer.”

“It’s Rosé. Rosé Park.”

The name sounded vaguely familiar to Seulgi’s fuzzy mind, and the door was halfway open before she fully remembered who it was. Kim Jisoo’s assistant stood in the hallway, looking hesitant.

“I’m really sorry for showing up like this,” she said.

Questions floated through Seulgi’s mind. “How did you know where I live?”

“Jennie Ruby gave me the address,” Rosé said, and had the decency to sound embarrassed about it.

The name Jennie Ruby also sounded familiar but Seulgi couldn’t quite remember who that was. Someone from Joy’s movie?

“Look, before you ask, Jisoo didn’t send me here. In fact, she’d kill me and possibly fire me if she knew I was here.”

Seulgi felt awkward standing there in the open doorway. She could almost hear her mom’s voice in her head yelling at her about manners. “Do you want to come in?”

Rosé looked grateful and smiled slightly as she entered. “Is your roommate home?” Seulgi shook her head as she closed the door. “No, she seems to be out.”

Rosé looked relieved. “Look, I don’t want to impose. And I probably shouldn’t even be here talking to you about this, but I thought... I thought maybe I could help.”

It was odd how so much of her real life felt like a dream these days. Seulgi stepped into the kitchen.

“Would you like something to drink?”

“No, thanks, I’m okay.”

Seulgi took a bottle of juice out of the fridge and filled a glass. “So, how would you like to help? Are you here as Kim Jisoo’s character witness?”

“I guess. She’s not... she’s not who you think she is.”

Seulgi snorted and put the juice back in the fridge. 

“Well, that much I learned already.” She motioned to a chair, but Rosé shook her head.

“Look, I get that her lying to you was awful, but you have to understand where she’s coming from,” Rosé began. “She’s not some unfeeling that gets her kicks from hurting people. That artwork she bought from you at the park... she honestly loves it. She had me cart it to a dozen different places until she found a frame she liked. And it’s not because she’s picky about such things normally. She just wanted it to be perfect.”

Seulgi put the glass of juice down as a way to show that she was listening.

Encouraged, Rosé continued. “And her writing to you... that was huge for her. I’ve known Jisoo for years and she’s never done anything of the kind. She’s a very private person, especially lately because she’s so popular. And her lying to you may have been partly to protect herself, certainly, but it was mostly because that was the only way she had of being herself and of knowing that you were genuine. She doesn’t get to experience that often, if at all. She’s constantly surrounded by people with hidden agendas. And so befriending you was special to her, because she didn’t have to worry about you wanting anything from her, or you simply talking to her because she’s famous.” Rosé breathed. “Sorry if I’m rambling.”

Seulgi was quiet as she mulled over Rosé’s words. She shrugged and sat down. She felt too emotionally drained to stand. “I understand,” she said. “But I still don’t know what she wants from me.”

Rosé seemed to sigh, and after a moment, she too sat down. “I don’t think she wants anything. But I know your friendship’s important to her.” She watched Seulgi for a moment. “Look, I have no idea what the two of you wrote to each other. Jisoo never discussed these things with me or with anyone, for that matter, so I can’t comment on the particulars. But you kept emailing her, so I’m assuming you found something worth liking in the person you were writing to.”

“I did,” Seulgi admitted, thinking of the emails and the phone calls and the text messages. “I liked her very much.”

Rosé nodded. After a moment, she said. “I have to admit I’m kind of envious of you. For years I wanted Jisoo to open up to me and be herself around me because I could see traces of who she really is as a person, especially around Jackson. And I’ve gotten a lot closer to her, particularly over the past few months. But there’s still a bit of a wall with her. There’s always a bit of distance. But she has none of that with you. She’d lay her secrets at your feet if you asked her to.”

Seulgi didn’t know what to say to that. She didn’t even know quite what to make of it.

“I’ve embarrassed you, I’m sorry.” Rosé gave a somewhat sheepish grin. “I’m just saying... she’s still the same person you were writing to. All that’s changed is her name, which is technically her birth name. And I know that your feelings on the subject must still be incredibly raw and confusing. But I wanted to give you some perspective on everything. I doubt you’d trust these things coming from her. I’m not even sure she’d know where to start defending herself. She feels awful.”

Seulgi only nodded. She still didn’t know how to feel about everything. Understanding why someone did something was a long way from overlooking it. And still, there were questions. “Why did she tell me she was a lesbian?”

Rosé looked surprised. She looked down at the table. “I think you should probably talk to Jisoo about that.” She sounded nervous.

Interesting, Seulgi thought. She’d been expecting a different reaction. A laugh, maybe, to show how ridiculous the notion was. But Rosé looked uncomfortable. Could it be? Had Kim Jisoo been telling the truth? Seulgi had spent the day being irritated by the lies, thinking that the actress had made everything up. But now she wasn’t so sure. If Kim Jisoo was gay that meant she’d outed herself to Seulgi. But that was crazy. Why would she do that?

“Talk to her,” Rosé said again, as if she could read the thoughts dancing in Seulgi’s head. She stood. “I should go. I’ve got a car waiting.” She smiled somewhat shyly. “Thanks for listening. Really. I thought you’d slam the door in my face.”

Seulgi stood, too. “I can slam it after you leave, if you want.” She ventured a smile.

Rosé grinned and headed into the hallway. “Catch you around,” she said, opening the door. “Hopefully.”

Seulgi had no answer for that but she nodded politely. She closed the door as Rosé retreated down the hall. Alone once again, she turned to face the apartment. It was probably good that she’d taken a nap because sleep wouldn’t come now. The thoughts and the questions were zooming through her brain at turbo speeds.

She picked up her glass of juice from the counter and headed for her room. There was only one thing to do now, she decided. She’d read through all the emails again and try to put herself in Kim Jisoo’s shoes. Maybe then she’d get some answers.

Or at least more questions to add to the pile.