“Back of the room looking at you, counting the steps between us. A hundred and five little blades in a line from your skin to mine and I feel it. Eyes on the ground but I can't look up now don't wanna give it away my secret. In another life, my teeth and tongue would speak aloud what until now I've only sung. 'Cause I would die to make you mine bleed me dry each and every time, I don't mind, no I don't mind it, I would come back a thousand times. You can make me wait forever, push me away and tell me never, I don't mind, no I don't mind it, I would come back a thousand times ”.   

Sara Bareilles - 1000 Times

A/N: Listen to the song that inspired this chapter here: 1000 Times by Sara Bareilles

...

Her first approach was denial. 

That wasn’t it, she just liked, admired, loved Seungwan a lot and was confusing those feelings with something romantic, which it wasn’t. How stupid was she? She never had close friends like she did now and the first thing her mind did was try to sabotage that.

Seungwan was just her friend, she loved her… as a friend.

Just like she loved Seulgi!

In order to convince herself, Joohyun started to analyse her friendship with her other housemate.  

They did a lot of things together. 

Seulgi was a very considerate friend, just like Seungwan herself was. The younger woman usually respected her space, didn’t pry or push her to share or do something that she didn’t want to. She was helpful, cute and a little naive… Joohyun cared a lot about her, she was always proud of her talents, wanted to know if she was ok, if she had eaten and wanted to feed her herself if possible. Frequently Joohyun would reach out to her to know if she was having problems with her assignments, if someone was taking advantage of her good heart and how college was going, since Seulgi went to an art school, meanwhile she and Seugnwan were studying at the Seoul University.

Everytime she thought about Seulgi a small smile always formed on her lips… the girl was really precious to her.

She loved her.

But she had never felt that way about Seungwan. 

Her mind then started to analyse her feelings regarding other people, colleagues, her cousins, that for a long time were the closest she had of actual friends, she even analysed her love for her own sister in order to prove herself that she wasn’t developing romantic feelings toward her friend, but it was all useless. 

Nothing could compare to the way she was feeling about Seungwan. The feelings when she thought about Seungwan were completely different.

Like, that didn't happen when she was thinking about anyone else, but when she closed her eyes she could see Seungwan’s smile clearly, it was annoying. She had memorized words that she had said to her… actions, how warm her hands were, how warm she was… her scent, the smell of her hair and even the intonation of her voice in different circumstances.

She was so helpless, so out of control.

She wished to know what was in Seunwan’s mind, she wanted to listen to all the words that left her lips, she wanted to know her plans for the future, she wanted to be in her future so badly. She wanted to stare at her face everyday and be the receiver of her affectionate gaze, her soft touch, her tight hugs and… kisses, yes… she wanted to kiss her, she had been wanting it for so long that she now, probably, resembled a thirsty person in the desert. 

She was enchanted by Seungwan's sleepy, bare face in the morning… her kind gestures, her cooking, her whiny voice, how they seemed to connect even more now that they were sharing the apartment. She felt so special for being able to listen to her thoughts and secrets late at night laid by her bed… her heart would go completely crazy watching her fall asleep by her side without a worry. Joohyun couldn’t control her thoughts, her heart, it felt right.

Being by her side felt right, safe, comfortable, warm… it felt like love.

So that was it, huh? She was in love with her best friend.

As the days went by she figured out a few things.

It was ok to freak out. She was young and inexperienced, that was the first time ever that she felt attracted by someone in a romantic way, and to make it worse, the person she wanted was not just her friend but it was also complicated... she was a girl, just like herself.

So one night, after crying her eyes out because of that entire situation, she decided to put everything into perspective by writing it. Being honest with herself was the best approach in order to find a solution to her problem.

So she made a small list:

 I am a very practical person, I am not naive or delusional. My feelings for S are not something that can be taken lightly by people, it is controversial… it isn’t expected. So I know that I am already at disadvantage because of that.

S is my friend. My first and closest friend, so those feelings are not something that I can take lightly either. To be honest, I don’t really care about other people, but I do care a lot about S. 

Joohyun trailed off for a few seconds, the pen swaying between her fingers in a vengeance because she didn’t want to continue, because the last point was the worst part, but eventually she managed to write it on paper and made it even more real.

The unbearable truth

And it's pointless to think about possibilities since S doesn’t feel the same way about me and I can’t do anything about it. 

She didn’t need to elaborate more than that, she didn’t even need to analyse it closer… it was light as the day, Seungwan only saw her as a friend. Joohyun never thought it would hurt that much to be aware of that simple truth. 

Her feelings aren't reciprocated. 

Seungwan didn’t love her that way.

How crazy was that? To be in love for the first time and have her heart broken in the same span of time?

She understood that she couldn’t go back neither go further. She couldn’t ask for more, that surely would ruin their friendship and she would lose her, and she couldn’t also take a step back and ask for space, she would hurt Seungwan and eventually lose her too. 

She would lose Seungwan either way. She was stuck in an impossible, desperate situation.

So, even though she was hurting, damn, it hurt like hell… she still needed to rationalize everything and go on. 

Since she realized that she couldn't lose her, she started to make amends, then. Joohyun shared the apartment with Seungwan and Seulgi, so she couldn’t simply hide in her room and keep avoiding the girl’s presence, they were still friends and that was also really impolite. So she had to up, like the big girl that she was trying to become, and be the friend Seungwan and Seulgi considered her to be. 

What else could she do? She couldn’t force, and it surely was beyond her powers to make the other girl feel the same way about her, so what was left for her was to be what Seungwan wanted her to be: her friend. 

So she stopped hiding inside her room and finding excuses not to be alone with Seungwan.

But even after making these decisions in her mind, and trying to up and be a big girl, things didn’t get easier at all. Her heart was in full rebel mode and it didn’t want to cooperate. To make things even worse, they were now in college, so people were really more bold now, getting closer to Seungwan, asking her out… and as her friend, besides listening to Seungwan’s thoughts about her love interests, or that handsome sunbae from her class, it was expected of her to also comment about it, giving her opinion. 

In her desperate state, she couldn’t just say that she surely would murder whoever date her, even thought she wanted to do just that. She also couldn’t say that Seungwan should date her instead… she couldn’t, so what was left was to pretend to be interested instead, and give her opinion as her friend. Joohyun never thought it would be so hard to be her friend, gosh it was the hardest.

She was living in hell.

Joohyun was glad that she had learned ever since she was a child, to be collected and calm. Hold herself back was, perhaps, her greatest quality and she never expected that? To always try her best to be in control of the situation and not simply being driven by it… otherwise, she swears, she would have already pulled her hair out, while shouting profanities in stress like a crazy person, because that situation was surely too much.

Too much.

She needed an escape. She had never experienced something like that, the feeling of being powerless and completely vulnerable to whatever the other person did, it was like Seungwan had become the only thing that could actually hurt her. Joohyun needed to find a way between all of that. She needed a break, she needed to be able to breathe for a few seconds without feeling like dying because of her infatuated heart. 

But, as expected, life continued to follow its paths, even though she was completely dizzy and needed a brake... because one day, what she feared the most eventually happened. Seungwan finally decided to say yes to some guy who asked her out, and she was completely destroyed because of that piece of information. 

She knew it already! She knew that Seungwan didn’t feel that same way about her, but that confirmation was another level… that was real. Seungwan had said yes to someone else, she wanted to be with someone else… not her.

Desperate, that was her. If she thought things were hard because Seungwan didn’t feel the same way about her she was mistaken, she hadn’t considered the possibility of Seungwan falling for someone who wasn’t her. That was surely so much worse. 

So that night she cried her eyes out, ignoring her college assignments and all the stuff she had to study and just laid in her bed, pitifully. The advice she gives is that someone sleepy deprived, hungry and in love can be a very dangerous person, because as soon as the sun was up, she was too and that was the first time in her life that she acted reckless and just did what she wanted to do.

She entered Seunwan’s room, approached the amused girl who had just woken up and was tidying up her room, Joohyun then held her like she wanted to, putting her arms tightly around the other girl, resting her head on her neck, inhaling her scent… a few seconds passed, and Seungwan didn’t say anything, Joohyun then told her, in a small, fragile and tired voice, not to go on that date and stay home with her… 

Joohyun didn’t expect anything in fact, she was just really crazy that morning.

But, to her her surprise Seungwan said ok.

Whatever unnie wants, just ask me and I will do. Seungwan had said, putting her arms around her in a perfect warm embrace, and those words were once again engraved in Joohyun’s mind, but this time, she had to be honest… she took advantage of it, and had been taking advantage of those words since then. 

Whatever unnie wants, just ask me and I will do.

She had been using those words as an excuse to hold her hand, because she wants to, to ask for cuddles, to clinge to her, to stare more than was necessary, to be possessive and jealous, to act childish, to claim her time and attention, because she wanted to and Seungwan had said that it was ok… everything in order to feed the illusion, to feed the huge monster that was her frustration because Seungwan wasn’t hers for real. 

But in those moments at least she could pretend. 

…

Life continued its path. 

She became even more busy with medical school and her internship, and Seungwan with law school. Joohyun was now a little older, but it didn’t change a thing, though… guess that when the subject is the heart there is no such thing as age or experience, everybody is or will be a fool for love, so she was still as helpless as the first day.

Did things get easier?

Some did, she now was certain of her feelings and no longer was struggling against them so at least she wasn’t confused anymore, she was also a little more used to things, stronger, a professional in faking reactions and pretending… guess she was indeed her parents daughter, since she could easily be considered an actress at this rate.

In her mind she divided her days into: Numb one, in which Seungwan was out on dates, infatuated by someone or with a new boyfriend. And the questioning ones, in which Joohyun was driven crazy by Seungwan actions, questioning how much more she could endure before snapping and finally confessing her feelings.  

She rather be in the questioning days than the numb ones, for sure.

...

How to fall out of love when it’s Seungwan you are in love with?

Joohyun wondered, while observing the source of all her problems maneuvering her car in the parklot of the hospital she was working at. 

That was her first night shift as an intern, she was never wrecked, scared to commit any mistake and to add to it, her only and one Seungwan had the brilliant idea to ruin her nerves even more. 

The girl had called her saying that she had prepared dinner and wanted to deliver it personally to her. Joohyun tried to dissuade her from it, saying that there was no need and that the hospital served food, but Seungwan didn’t take no as an answer.

Don’t you have exams to study for? - Joohyun said as soon as Seungwan approached her.

The cheerful girl immediately sulked.

It’s nice to see you too. - she ranted. 

Joohyun smiled a little. 

If only she knew how nice it was to see her. 

I am on my break, ok? I need to breathe for a few minutes. 

So you decided, in your free time, to cook for me and even drive almost 15 minutes in this hell of traffic to deliver it here? - Joohyun asked. 

Sometimes, in situations like that, she shamelessly would ask questions that she already knew the answer just to massage her ego and comfort her monster.

Yes. - Seungwan replied, without even blinking. - I wanted to help you who have been working hard the whole day and I also wanted to see your workplace!

Joohyun swayed her head, in amusement. She didn’t need to say that she loved to hear it.

Thank you, Seungwan. - She just said, gratefully. 

Seungwan smiled brightly. 

By the way, this look of a disheveled doctor looks good on you. - Seungwan commented when they started to walk toward the hospital cafeteria.

W-what? - Joohyun asked, not expecting the compliment.