"This is how the story went, I met someone by accident who blew me away, blew me away, and it was in the darkest of my days when you took my sorrow and you took my pain and buried them away, buried them away. I wish I could lay down beside you when the day is done, and wake up to your face against the morning sun, but like everything I’ll ever known, you will disappear one day, so I’ll spend my whole life hiding my heart away". 

Brandi Carlile - Hiding my heart

A/N: I also like the Adele version of this song, so I will recommend it to you! Listen to Hiding my heart a cover by Adele: HERE

...

A cold shower, which she hated but needed a lot, a few spoons of soup, that she luckily found inside her empty kitchen cabinet, some pills for her headache, some for sleep… if only she had some for heartache, and then she laid in bed, trying to sleep.

She managed to do all those things perfectly because, in the past few months, she had mastered the ability of acting in the automatic mode, doing what was necessary, not allowing herself to think too much about the things that surely would make her incapable of even getting up in the morning. 

What were those things?

Her bad luck: Everything fell apart just because she fell in love, everything was a mess because of her and her feelings. It never ceased to amuse her, the realization that what she wanted, her love for her, her first ever love was not meant to be, that she should have never hoped for it, should never even think about it, it was a ilusion.

What they had become: Strangers. She hadn’t seen her face for more than six months, didn’t hear from her, didn’t speak to her… it was like Seungwan ceased to exist, except that her brain and heart knew that it was no true and kept remembering her over and over again that she did exist, that she was probably fine, living her best life, meanwhile she, Joohyun, was left behind.

Her inability to let go: How much longer would she suffer with those feelings all alone? What was necessary to stop feeling that way? Distance? Solitude? Time? She had done it all and still was not a step closer to getting over. She wished to know more than anything how to let go.

And the worst of all, how much she missed her: She just missed her so much… so much.

Joohyun kept trying to clean the tears falling non stop from her eyes but it was useless.

And now she was back, Joohyun saw her in the flesh in front of her, felt her warm hands on her cold cheeks and cold hands, heard her voice, saw her attentive eyes… her pretty, pretty smile, her face and even her lips on her own.

Damn, why, WHY!!

Joohyun scratched her head crazily thinking about that. Why god, why Seungwan. Why would you do that to me, you already know everything, why.

Son Seungwan was really her personal hell and heaven.

It was impossible to put into words the amount of feelings clouding her mind just because of her recent appearance. Despite everything, she wanted to see her, she desperately wanted to just see her and not do anything else, but then she wanted to cry like a mad woman because she didn’t understand what was in her mind to keep disrespecting her that way, kissing her whenever she felt like, Joohyun really wanted to fight because of that and her audacity, but she also wanted to be kissed again, she also wanted to say sorry for slapping her, even though she deserved it, god, she wanted so many things…

It hurt her.

And that was not a good thing, right? A love that hurts that way, that drives you crazy, that ruins things precious to you, it should not exist, so she should let go.

She had been saying it to herself for all those months, whenever her thoughts ran wild without her control and she thought about her and felt her heart growing smaller and smaller each day… she would say to herself that she should not love her that way because it ruined them, so she should let go. 

Joohyun thought that she was a fool. What was the point of trying so hard, of leaving her house and putting all that distance between them? When it took her only a second? Because in the moment their eyes met, the moment Seungwan leaned toward her and kissed her she just… just let her!

Like a fool!!

What the hell was that madness? That craziness that consumed her entire being, her judgments and restrictions? Why did she let her have her way every time and didn’t fight and didn’t stop her? Why did she want it so much, to kiss her again and again, even though being kissed by Seungwan ruined her to the bone… WHY was she incapable of thinking properly, or stopping herself whenever she was involved.

God, why.

Joohyun groaned, going crazy.

this. - she muttered. 

…

After a few more curses and  pulling her hair like a crazy person, Joohyun decided that it was enough.

She then laid in her bed again, closed her eyes with an army determination and tried really hard to empty her mind, and she must have succeeded at some point, or the meds finally made effect because now she was in a quiet place… it was peaceful, she was at peace. 

and Seungwan was there, in her dream.

She could feel her warm hands touching her cheeks and her soft voice calling her name.

Huh? - she hummed groggily. 

She knew it was Seungwan, but she was so tired and it was so quiet and comfy where she was, she didn’t want to open her eyes.

Have you eaten something? -  Seungwan whispered softly again.

The hand on her cheeks moved and Joohyun felt it in her hair, combing the hair strands and massaging her scalp. 

She hummed satisfied.

No… - she mumbled.

Let’s eat something and then you can sleep more. - Seungwan suggested.

Joohyun just swayed her head, saying no, then snuggled more on her pillow.

Someone giggled and It wasn’t Seungwan.

Who was it? Joohyun wondered in her peaceful dream.

You can go, Sooyoung, I will stay. - Seungwan said.

Joohyun’s eyebrows shrugged.

Sooyoung? - Joohyun hummed in her sleep.

Yes, unnie.

Joohyun smiled a little.

What a nice dream, Seungwanie and Sooyoungie were there… She misses Sooyoung a lot too. 

I miss Sooyoungie. - Joohyun whined in the tiniest voice and then sighed.

Sooyoung immediately smiled broadly toward the sleeping woman, not expecting to hear those words.

I miss you too, unnie. - she replied.

Her eyes, somehow, went full of tears because of her unnie’s words.

Are you sure she is asleep? - Sooyoung asked.

Uhum, she does this often. - Seungwan said, massaging Joohyun’s soft cheeks.

You guys are really weirdos. - Sooyoung said, trying to play cool even though she was about to cry because of her unnie. - Anyway, I am leaving… remember our conversation.

Yeah, thank you Sooyoung-ah. 

Don’t mention it, just name your guys first child after me and we are even.

Seungwan chuckled.

Deal.

Soon it was quiet again and Joohyun just snuggled more on her pillow, sighing satisfied. 

But then Seungwan’s hand touched her cheeks again and her forehead, then her nose and the contour of her lips slowly… It was ticklish. 

What about some warm milk? - Seungwan suggested again.

Her warm hand continued its trail on her face.

I don’t want it… - Joohyun whined, her lips pouting.

But you need to eat.

tomorrow... - Joohyun hummed.

You promise me?

uhum.

Seungwan got silent and Joohyun wondered if she was gone like Sooyoungie, but then her warm hand resumed touching her face again, contouring her lips, her nose, her cheeks.

Unnie...

uh?

I love you.

Joohyun stretched a little and smiled.

I love you too. - she just said.

…

Joohyun felt like crap.

Her entire body hurt, but mostly her neck. She moved it from one side to another in order to relieve the tension, then stretched it. She probably had slept in some crazy position again...

Still with her eyes closed she scratched her head, and tried to release the knots that formed during the night on her hair, also tried to control it since it was pointed in every direction possible… meanwhile her other hand scratched her chin and nose. When she was done she stretched her whole body.

She yawned loudly a few times and then finally opened her eyes.

But she shouldn’t have.

Because she had the scare of her life seeing Seungwan there in her room, looking down at her face with a small smile on her lips, while leaning against the backrest of the bed, and she, Joohyun was sleeping with her head on her lap like it was the most normal thing to do ever. Her brain worked fast, despite her being awake for a few seconds, because she jumped away from the bed like it was on fire, and almost fell stupidly on the floor.

Oh my god, are you ok!? - Seungwan readily asked, also getting up from the bed and going toward her.

Joohyun breathed hard through and tried to form coherent thoughts. 

What the hell was she doing inside her room??

H-how. - she stupidly asked.

Sooyoung let me in. - Seungwan said.

Joohyun immediately snorted.

Of course… Park Sooyoung had to be involved.

Joohyun then seated on the bed again and held her head with one of her hands, while trying to control her heart beats. Seungwan then came to sit right next to her and just waited for her to calm herself in silence.

God, give me a break, please… Joohyun pleaded.

Does your neck hurt? - Seungwan asked after a few minutes of silence.

What?

I told you that it was not a good idea, but you didn’t listen.

Joohyun sighed hard and deeply, getting ready, and then gathered the courage to stare at her.

As expected, her bright eyes, small lips and warm expression were too much for her to endure so early in the morning, but she managed.

What are you talking about?

Last night you asked me to lay in bed with you.

Joohyun gasped, not being able to control it, and had to bite her lip hard in order to not say all the profanities that she wanted to.

Even in her sleep she wasn’t in control of herself, amazing.

Then you laid your head on my lap saying that you miss your Seungwanie…

Joohyun got up from the bed, putting a much needed distance between them, on the verge of freaking out, and Seungwan seemed to want that, because she got up too, following her inside the room not giving her space to breathe.

You asked me to stay, to not leave you.

Got it...

You held onto my waist so tightly that I could barely move the entire night.

I said I got it! - Joohyun shouted.

Seungwan then stared hard at her f