“When I see myself, I'm seeing you too, as long as I remember it I'm feeling like I knew that my jokes aren't funny, the truth isn't true if there was no you. If you were my boat in the deep blue sea I'd probably sink you down, I know I should have thanked you for carrying me but for you I would happily drown. All along your way, the darkest night, the longest day I know what to say to make you laugh, and nothing you could do could make me turn my back on you. When you're looking for a fight I'm your man, when you need a friend you got my hand”.

Brandi Carlile - If there was no you

A/N: I strongly recommend you to listen to the beautifiul, beautiful song that inspired this chapter: If there was no you by Brandi Carlile

...

Seungwan sat inside her car, staring at the high building in front of her with an amused expression on her face. 

How did she end up there? She remembers having entered her car, wanting to go to the hair salon and to do other small stuff, and then she was supposed to return to Seulgi’s studio, but how come she ended up at the hospital Joohyun worked?

She massaged her temples thinking about her unnie… the only thing she had been doing was thinking about her. Guess she wanted to see her so badly that her brain took the reins and brought her exactly to the place she wished to be, where her unnie was. 

The past few days were really a test for her.

With Seulgi’s questioning, bringing back memories of them together, she succeeded in uncovering the deepest intentions in her own heart, understanding, finally, that they had indeed crossed the line of friendship a long time ago... that she had crossed the line of friendship a long time ago. 

It was like it was in front of her face for a long time.

If it had happened with someone else and this person came to her asking her opinion about it, she was sure that she would have laughed, asking if this person was blind because it was clear that it was not only friendship anymore, but how come she couldn’t see it in her own case? It was like her brain chose not to acknowledge it.

So yes, the past few days had been a test for her… 

She was constantly assaulted by memories of her unnie and herself and it was so clear now, the looks she received and the looks she gave, the warm feeling in her chest when they were together, doing something together, and then the heaviness of those feelings in her chest whenever they fight or her unnie was mad at her for some reason… it was unbearable, she felt restless wanting to fix their problem no matter what. It was unacceptable to have her unnie unhappy because of her. How much she always cared for her, how much Joohyun cared back, always reaching up to her hand, always making her company, always watching her, always listening and supporting her in everything. 

Yes, a friend can do all of that, but her chest wasn’t supposed to feel that way, was it? Like it was about to burst just because she had been missing her for all those months? She wasn’t supposed to feel so dependent on her, of her care, of her eyes watching her, of her knowing her more than anyone else? Was she supposed to feel like the most sad person on earth, was it supposed to look like the world was about to end just with the thought of Joohyun no longer caring for her, not wanting to hear about her anymore?

A friend wasn’t supposed to feel that way… not wanting your friend to interact with anyone else, getting jealous, bitter just because she has a new friend and is spending time with her and not you. A friend wasn’t supposed to feel so territorialist, so y, making bad comments about this other person, blaming her for things it was clearly not her fault… A friend was not supposed to  wish that she would never look at anyone else, just you, only you. 

Oh God, how come she became such a fool like that? How come she didn’t see it? She had those feelings in her heart for ages, they were not new, they had always been there, she just didn’t make a big deal out of them, always putting Joohyun in a category where their friendship was “different” than the others.

She was such a fool.

The amount of slaps she had given on her own face whenever she thought about it was no joke, Seulgi had to stop her because she was scared that the slaps would leave bruises on her face, but she didn’t care! She deserved it! Better, she wished someone would give her a beating! So perhaps she would feel less stupid, less naive. 

Her entire being was bubbling with so many feelings, so many memories. She wanted to see her at that moment, she didn’t even know what to do next, what to say, she just wanted to see her. That craziness, the reckless of her action, God she had never felt that way before… so crazy, so irrational, it was really not her character, to do something without thinking, to act without thinking, she was a methodical person!

As expected, her unnie was the only one capable of untighting the knots of her brain, the only one capable of pulling her out of the little box she lived in with thousands of rules, processes, expectations, the cage with the open door. Right now she was in a completely new territory, throwing herself in the unknown, exposing herself without a back up plan, without knowing what was going to happen next.

And even though her still methodical brain was doing all those calculations, screaming to her saying that they were completely unprotected now, her heart, who was beating crazily inside her chest, making the blood circulate hot on her veins in a crazy excitement, had never been happier, better… her heart knew that her unnie was there, in that building and it was screaming louder than anything else: we must see her, now!   

She really needed to see her and then make it all real in her mind.

So she just stepped out of the car, fixing her coat around her body and checking her appearance one last time, she was really going crazy, huh? Because she really wanted to look good in front of Joohyun...she then snorted thinking about the amount of times only her unnie’s eyes staring hard at her had made her blush, seriously, that was so not friendship, Son Seungwan, how could you mistake it!? 

Seungwan then sighed hard, coming back to her senses and with hard steps she started to approach the high building. 

For her, for the first time in her life, she was risking it all, she was about to risk it all.

...

Seungwan could tell just by staring at the ER door of the hospital that something was going on.

She had been there countless times, even though it wasn’t common for people to be in that entrance since it was used for emergency patients and for staff, but since Joohyun worked there, the security guards already knew her because she usually went there to pick Joohyun up, to bring her food or clean clothes and so on, so they let her in. 

So, as the years passed she too became an expert in knowing when something was going on. 

For instance, she could see the ambulances… too many of them, but they had their lights off, and the deadly silence surrounding everything. Joohyun had shared with her once that when ambulances had their lights off and no siren was on the patients it was carrying were already dead. 

So Seungwan knew that a lot of people, seriously injured, were inside at that moment, but the majority were already dead.

She sighed, knowing very well the state her unnie always got whenever that happened.

Joohyun felt personally responsible and that always left her wrecked for days.

Seungwan remembers the first time her unnie came across a situation like that.

…

Here, Son Seungwan! - Joohyun shouted in the middle of a sea of people in the crowded hospital.

A big accident had happened and Joohyun had been working non stop for the past two days. 

Joohyun had called her, asking if she could bring some clean clothes for her and she had agreed immediately. What Seungwan didn't expect to find when getting there was her unnie covered in blood, with stains in her shoes, face and hands, and a baby in her arms.

 Unnie, oh my God. - Seungwan said as soon as she got closer.

it's not my blood. -  Joohyun reassured her immediately.

Her eyes were hollow and her expression was off… Seungwan knew that her unnie was holding back a lot of emotions at that moment. 

Ok, Unnie. Where can you change? -  Seungwan said, choosing to be practical, instead of asking her unnie directly what had happened.

She knew that it was the only way to make her talk. Her Unnie didn't like to stand still and do nothing.

Follow me. -  She said, walking ahead of her, passing through the sea of staff, nurses and doctors who didn’t seem to be in a state any better than Joohyun.

They walked for a few seconds in silence, and then Joohyun entered in one empty oncall room.

The place was a mess, Seungwan noticed...the bed sheets were tousled, she could see dirty cups of coffee, and unfinished noodles, pieces of clothes, bags and countless pairs of shoes, clothes discarded carelessly on the floor. Seungwan could tell that the people who were using that room were going through a lot.

And in a normal circumstance she couldn’t picture her unnie laying on those sheets, or even entering such a dirty place, but her unnie had really improved in that department, no longer caring about such frivolous things and focusing on her job, which was so much more important.

 I need you to hold her while I change. - Joohyun asked, managing to bring her back from her wandering thoughts. 

Seungwan stared at her surprised, she had completely forgot about the baby on Joohyun’s arms. She didn’t have any abilities with babies, that was a fact, but as soon as she saw Joohyun’s eyes pleading silently for her to say yes, she just agreed immediately. 

 Of course. - Seungwan said, taking the small baby carefully.

It was a girl.

Seungwan smiled at her, making sure to be careful and attentive so the baby wouldn’t cry. She then turned around so Joohyun could change her clothes. 

She is under my responsibility until Children's Protection gets here. - Joohyun explained, as seungwan expected that she would do. - Somehow she got fond of me and doesn't want to stay with anyone else.

She is a pretty unnie, right baby? - Seungwan asked the little girl, and to her surprise the baby immediately smiled at her.

Joohyun snorted.

This pretty unnie can do anything to her, only hold her until a stranger comes to pick her up. - Joohyun hissed.

This pretty Unnie is doing the biggest and most important job then. - Seungwan commented, once again receiving a smile from the baby in her arms.

You don't know what you are talking about. Her parents are dead. - Joohyun just said.

Seungwan turned around, startled, and stared at Joohyun for a moment, but Joohyun didn’t look at her at all, her eyes were fixed on the small baby in her arms.

This pretty unnie is useless since she can't bring back the little girl's parents. - Joohyun complemented.

Seungwan sighed.

That wasn’t something that her unnie would speak carelessly… she usually didn’t let her guard down like that and say such depreciative words about her own work. Seunwan was glad she was there to listen, she was glad her unnie was trusting her to listen.

Joohyun had always been her own woman. She was not someone you should underestimate, because she had proved countless times, not just to Seungwan, but also to people around that if she put her heart into something she could do anything.

But Seungwan always thought about days like the one they currently were, when a tragedy like that happened and her unnie would have to deal with it. Her heart felt small inside her chest watching her unnie… she was indeed a superwoman, but even superwoman had moments like that, of self doubt and uselessness, especially working in a hospital.

She just didn’t want it to happen to her unnie, she didn’t want her to suffer, to be hurt.

This pretty unnie is doing the biggest and most important job keeping this little girl company since she is all alone. The pretty unnie might not be able to change the course of life but is able to be there for this little girl, who at this moment needs her. The biggest and most important job. - She made sure to say, staring straight at Joohyun’s eyes.

In her heart Seungwan promised herself, for those days, she would be there for her unnie and remember her that it was ok, she could get through it. 

And her unnie seemed to have understood her words well, because she nodded, took a deep breath, recharging herself and then took the baby from her arms.

Thank you for coming, Son Seungwan. - she said simply, with a small smile of gratitude in her lips.

Seungwan just smiled and nodded. She was always proud of her unnie and the profession she had chosen. A superwoman saving lives. 

…

Seungwan then approached the security guards by the door, talking animatedly to them, then passing to each one of them a cup of hot coffee. Whenever she was around she would make sure to buy them coffee in appreciation for their work and kindness toward her, and of course, in the hopes that they would watch out for Joohyun.

This place is a complete mess today. - One of them warned Seungwan. - I wouldn't stay long if I was you.

She nodded, and proceeded to make her way inside. 

The ER was, as the guard had warned, a complete mess. All the beds seemed to be occupied with people suffering from all sorts of injuries. Seungwan immediately quickened her steps, making sure to not be in the way of any doctor or nurse, so they could do their job without her interference. 

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