Baekhyun pov

Day 8

The same dream appeared in my mind. Chanyeol with Jihyun in bed and me dying in the little corner of the room, but this time I was in my own position. I felt all the pain that happened to me in the dream. I knew and trusted him that he left her, yet the dream was still here. I hated to be reminded of it.

When Chanyeol woke me up I knew nothing really happened and that it was only a dream. It may be true, but I knew he was done with her, In my heart. Even though it was the end of the dream I felt pain in me. My chest ached, head thumped horribly and I felt dizzy. I was only a step away from going crazy.

I didn't want to react rough over Chanyeol again, but I had to do something with the pain that was gathering in me. I forced myself to leave and locked myself in the bathroom. I had everything I needed in here. I was crying hard, trying to calm down and end the pain, but it didn't go. I was becoming messier and finally gave up.

I found a razor again and held it up to me. I didn't want to harm anymore, but it was just too much.

"Baekhyun," I heard Chanyeol's voice. "Come out," his deep voice vibrated through the door. I hesitated. Looking at the razor in my hand I thought I can end this other way. I can calm down without harming. But as soon as I said it I felt my chest tighten and a stab of pain came again, making me whine. It was the way that I was used on. Harming myself would be the easiest. I would harm and make the pain inside me covered with pain outside. I would be all fine after some days, right?

"Leave me alone," I cried and hoped that he would go. I didn't want to have him a door away when I cut. I wanted to be alone only. 

"No way, I will break in," he said and made me panick.

"Don't-" I cracked. I feared he might really come in. I guessed he knew what I was doing, but I didn't want him to stop me. I will do it with him around or not, it doesn't really matter. I didn't mean to cut on my arms again. I knew Chanyeol would want to check me later for the proof that I really didn't harm. Instead I pulled off my shirt and my chest got in touch with the cold air of the bathroom. I pressed the razor to my skin, on the side of my chest and then hesitated.  This was a more sensitive part to cut and I expected it to hurt more, but it didn't stop me. I wanted it. Last time I destroyed one razor to get blades out of it, but this time I did it with the whole razor, all blades in it. My hands kept shaking as I feared of what was going to happen next, so I pressed the blades tighter on my skin. I bit my lip to keep my whines away as I pulled and blood appeared. A flow of blood went down to my stomach and painted me red. I threw the razor away after that and then shut my mouth with both hands as I was near bursting out in cries. Blood steamed down my skin, but I didn't care about it. The feeling of burn actually gave me a good feeling and I wanted more. I was ready to get the razor again, but Chanyeol's voice interupted me.

"What are you doing Baek?" he asked. I was not able to answer. I knew that if I opened my mouth I would break and he would have a prove of what I was doing. I got a hold of a towel nearby and bit into it to end my cries. Chanyeol spoke again.

"Enough. I can't do that. I am coming in," he said madly and and made me panick again.

"No! Wait," I whined and prayed for him to just stay away. "I- I- won't do anything- j-just let me calm down for a moment-" I cracked and then bit into a towel as I felt regret of lying. I was just cutting myself and lied to him the I was not going to do anything. I cried horribly, but let out no noise to show that I was breaking.

"How can I know that you really won't hurt yourself?" he asked. I only felt worse lying to him, but I had no other choices. I opened my mouth again and with struggle I let out another lie.

"I- I won't," I said, tears steaming down my  cheeks. "Trust me," I said, but at that moment I seized for the razor again. 

"I don't want you hurt. I fear for you and I don't want you to suffer more. You don't deserve it. Please, I hate it to see you this way, just come out, we can deal with it together," he said, but I shook my head violently even though he couldn't see me. I didn't want him to see me this way. I was capable enough to take care of myself. 

"Go, Chanyeol," I cried and then pressed the razor at my skin again, bellow the first wound. My skin on my chest was screaming for me to not cut, but my mind told me othervise. I was breathig deeply, getting ready to cut into my chest again. "I won't do anything, just leave me for a bit." Another lie was spilled out of me. Another lie as soon as I pulled the blades for the second time. I whined in pain, but shut myself quiet as soon as I let out the sound. It burned horribly, but gave me a good feeling when the old pain from the dreams faded. 

"Okay, Baekhyun. I trust you this time, but please don't make me regret it. If anything happens to you that might make you hurt, I swear I will never ever again let you walk alone. Don't disappoint my trust, Baek," he said sounding worried. I heard him leave slowly. It was ripping me to hear him leave. I hated to know that I was just making him regret things. He would be so disappointed if he found out. But he was not going to know about it. I was going to cover it up. He would never know. In fact I was afraid of being alone. I was afraid that if he left I would never see him again. I wanted him.

"Chanyeol!" I nearly screammed for him to come back.

"Yes, what is it?" he answered immediately. I hesitated to reply.

"Stay here, will you?" I muttered and hoped for him to stay. For some reason it was pretty easy to tell it. I wanted him to stay with me very much.

"O-Okay, I will be here," he said. I still had a razor in my hand, still calling for me to cut, but I waited. 

"Um- t-tell something- anything. Just not quiet. I don't think I can't keep my mind quiet. Please," I said honestly. For a moment there was silence, but soon enough Chanyeol spoke. It was our life that he talked about. All the moments that we had.

I sat down to the door and guessed he was on the other side just by me, since his voice was so clear. I still pressed the razor on my skin on the chest for several more times, but soon enoug stopped. My skin was all red and swollen, blood steamed down my side, some reaching my hips. For some reason I felt calm after it. I used to have that dangerous feeling of guilt in me, but this time it was different. I forgot of my dreams and suddenly daydreamed of what happened awhile ago between me and Chanyeol. We were waking up memories of what we did and how our relationship went. I was relaxed. I loved all that Chanyeol told me, passing through the bad memoried, laughing painfully at the funny ones and feeling embarrassed. I nearly forgot what lot of memories we had.

The memories soon turned into future. Chanyeol changed the topic and talked of what else we could do, where he would like to take me, how we would spend time together. It made me feel warm, but the thought felt so unreal that I let out tears again.

We were sitting at each others side, only door separeting us. I was crying, toppless as I still didn't think of putting on a shirt. I liked the cold air on my wounds that steamed blood. 

"Baekhyun?" the deep voice knocked me out of my dream and thoughts. I shook my mind a bit to get back to reality. 

"Mm?" I only hummed in reply. I just felt like we had a talk that made me relaxed and calm. I didn't know how long I have been sitting here, but I started to freeze. Blood that came from the wounds that I made had dried and the tips of my fingers turned purple from the cold. 

"Would you come out now?" Chanyeol asked. I just realised that we must have been sitting here for a while now. I quietly cursed over myself and then I got up on my legs.

"I- I- uhhh, yeah-" I cracked as I didn't know what to tell him. I didn't want him to know that I cut and my skin was still covered in blood. This was the time where I started to panick. I didn't clean the cuts at all. I put on the top of my pyjama and checked myself before unlocking the door again. I was lucky that the blood had already dried and wasn't seen through the shirt. I still had red eyes from crying, but I guessed Chanyeol would belive me that I didn't cut. 

As I opened the door of the bathroom the taller one appeared to be standing and waiting for me. He looked worried, but he still managed to crack out a comforting smile. 

"Baek, you alright?" he asked right away. I nodded in reply, but said nothing. The taller one let out a sigh in relief, probably still happy that I was still breathing. When I first entred the bathroom today I feared I might not step out of it again. I feared that the harm would be worse that it was now. I could pass out in the bathroom if the taller wasn't here. Luckily I had him by my side all the time. I managed to stop my cutting at last and calmed down. I wished I ended sooner, but now it was too late to overthink it. 

I acted on my own. I stepped closer to the taller one and in the next moment I was in his hug. I burried my face into his chest and suddenly felt myself tearing again. Don't be a fcking kid, Baekhyun I thought and pushed the tears away. The taller ones hands wrapped aroud me too and he hummed.

"Don't do that again," he said and caresed my back again. "Why did you lock yourself?" 

I couldn't answer him. Maybe he already knew, but I wasn't going to prove him. Not without a fight. I reminded quiet, but kept myself in the hug. It gave me comfort and love that I missed for so long now. It gave me a feeling like those dreams with Jihyun and Chanyeol in the bed were fading away.

At last I ended the hug and looked down at the floor, feeling ashamed for lying to the taller one and at the same time not telling him the truth. I was nervous of how the truth was going to be revealed. He will never know. I thought, but immediately I knew it was not going to end up so well. It was horribly hard to hide scars and even though they were on a place that was nearly never revealed I knew there were ways of revealing it. I feared that I might not have enough time to get them healed again and cover my actions. 

My hopes faded immediately as Chanyeol asked me whether I was up for a trip. I didn't know where he wanted to take me, but I had a feeling like this ment no good for me. 

I still accepted the offer.

It hurt me to see the two lists hanging on the fridge, reminding me well of what we were fighting for, yet I didn't trust Chanyeol.

Chayneol:

1. Focus 100% on you

2. Become a better person in your eyes

3. Take you out for dates

4. Have exciting in different places  Tell you the truth all the time 

5. Prove I love you

Baekhyun:

1. Get comfortable around you again

2. Have fun together/spend time doing what we like 

3. Sleep in the same bed again

4. Kiss like we used to

5. Trust you

Only 2 points on each lists were left. Why was it so hard to make them crossed. I didn't want to spoil them. I wanted to work for them to get rid of the lists at last. I wanted to work for my and Chanyeol's relationship, but I just made it harder to reach with lying to the taller one. 

Okay, I said I will upload again and I did!!! Chayeol why didn't you just break in?! He was late when his girlfriend did a suicide, he nearly waited for Baek to kill him self *face palm* Baekhyun's actions in the bathroom will make this relation just more messed up. I thought it was impossible to make it worse, but haha here we go~ Tell me what you think!

I am sorry for making this fanfiction all depressed. I warn you all! If you feel uncomfortable reading this, feel like you are turning to self harm or anything that is mentioned here, please close this fanfiction, unsubscribe and never come back, because more than this subscriber's number and comments I care for your health! Take care of yourself guys!!! 

ONCE AGAIN I LOVE YOU ALL!!!