"he loves me as his friend.. i love him..like.."

it took him a few second before he finally realizes what the older man meant.

"Oh.."

Hyukjae's POV

i could see the furrow in his brows after i said that. I dont know what came over me, i dont really wanted to come out that fast. But my emotions got the best of me. There was silence accompanied by the serenade of sam's beautiful voice as the speaker played in the background.

I'd never ask you
'Cause deep down I'm certain I know what you'd say

i tried to hold back anymore tears from falling, i thought to myself that i should prepare for the worse. My reputation, my band, my agency, my friendships.. and possibly me and donghae will be over. It was heart breaking. i looked up to the ceiling trying to bottle up my tears but to all effort failed when the younger man suddenly hugged me. I could feel his collar get soaked as my eyes watered down like a fountain.

"How long have you been keeping this a secret from everyone?"

to my surprise there wasnt any bit of dissapointment or disgust in his tone. I pulled away and covered my face for a bit, trying to calm myself down as i felt a soft pat on my back. Taemin was always nice to me, we were close. But i didnt expect anything like this. From what i experienced, no matter how close you are, friends will leave you once they figure out who you really are.

"15 years.."

i saw the shock in his face as his eyes widen.

"The Hyung! You culdnt have told me sooner?"

"im sorry, i was scared that you might.."

"What? judge you? because you fell in love with someone?"

i looked down as i knew i sound so stupid, taemin's a good guy and i know he wouldnt do that to me. But its that little bit of doubt that urges me to stop.

"Well he's not just someone.. and he's a guy too.."

"Well duhh he's a guy i can see that, but whats the problem? did you think i was gonna be grossed out?" He sighed.

"Well.. yeah most people do"

"Incase you havent noticed, im NOT "most people", im taemin, your beloved dongsaeng"

i heard the sheer frustration in his voice covered with worries and dissapointment. i didnt know that it was so wrong, but then again he probally felt hurt cause i didnt trust him enough even after years of friendship. That was always my biggest weakness. i dont open up easily and people get frustrated because of that. The guilt crawled up my throat as i felt my eyes water. yes, again. i dont like arguing, okay?

"i know, im sorry.. i just.. wasnt ready i guess"

i saw his expression soften as i assume he heard te crack in my voice when i tried to hold back my tears. His hands reached out to my back and pat it gently.

"Its not easy hyung, but the sooner you face it the sooner you'll get over it. Good or bad, how ever the outcome may be you'll feel worse if you didint take the chance"

He was right, but i couldnt do it. I was too much of a coward to face it. i was too scared to lose everything. I found my self unconciously wetting the youngers shoulder with tears, he gently pat my head.

"But im just scared it might ruin our efforts, hardwork,. and even us.."

"Do you think he'll just throw years of friendship ut the window like that?"

"Y- yeah.. i thought so.." I pulled away in shame, ofcourse Hae wouldnt do that. But.. i cant be sure about that.

"is there something youre not telling me?"

"W- what do you mean?.."

"The hyukjae i know always takes his chance and tries his best in everything. so there's no way you'll hide that for that long. something dont add up here?"

damn he's keen brain.

"Hyung" he said as his voice got higher, more intimidating if i may add. I eventually gave up and decided to tell him what happened.

"Alright, fine" i sighed.

"It happened a long time ago, back in highchool when i first started liking donghae. i had a friend from middle school that still sticked with me till highchool, lets just call her girl A"

"okay, go on"

"So she actually confessed to me"

"and?.."

Hyukjae's Flashback

it was in highschool and i just started joining SM, i had fallen for donghae for about 2 or 3 weeks at that time, i knew that he was the one and there was no one else like him. I planned to tell her about it but she suddenly called me out to the back of the school.

"Hyukjae oppa, i have something to tell you"

"Yeah? what is it?"

"I, liked you.. ever since middle school.."

"O-..oh."

"Yeah.. and uhm.. would-.. would you be my boyfriend?" i saw her hands tremble, but as much as i didnt want to hurt her, accepting her without even loving her would hurt her even more.

"Im sorry, girl A-ah, i cant"

Her face dropped as she looked at me with teary eyes.

"Wh- why? am i not pretty enough?"

"No! youre super pretty! its just.. i already have someone i like"

"Who?" her voice pierced my ears. i never saw her like that before, she was always so cute and nice. But the girl a i was staring at right then was yelling in my face as she led tears stream down her face. it broke my heart. I knew that this was it, but it was better than lying to her and hurting her even more.

"he's a.. trainee from SM , just like me"

just then her face got dark as she stopped her tears and let go of me.

"he..?"

"Yeah, he.."

her face showed the expression of disgust that felt like someone had just sliced my heart with a bur