After what happened that night, my relationship was quite tenuous with Taeyeon. I didn't understand how to erase my regrets about the kiss, a kiss that I shouldn't have done. Damn it! In the morning after the incident, it seems Taeyeon really didn't realize it because she was totally slept, in an unstable condition and very drunk. About Erick Oppa, Taeyeon indeed decided to break up with him, or at least, that’s what she called with ‘I need a break, Sica.’. The reason was unclear but it seemed that Erick Oppa suspected Taeyeon’s having thought of somebody else, on that case, he thought that Taeyeon cheated on him.

Last week, on graduation day, Erick Oppa insisted to come, with such a big hand bouquet full of red rose, only for Taeyeon. I could see how much he regretted it and tried to get Taeyeon’s heart back but anytime he tried to get closer, she pushed him away. On the last phone call with him, I gave him a little advice.

“Oppa, uri Taeyeonie looked so drained and clearly you hurt her feeling so bad with all of the accusations. How dare you do that to my Taengo?”
“But Jessica… I really feel like, she’s thinking about someone else.”
“Why do you think so?”
“I don’t know… Somehow… With all the efforts I gave to her, I never feel like having her heart completely.”
“I’m her closest friend and she has nobody other than you, Oppa.” I sighed deeply. “You’re her only boyfriend and about that, I think maybe she was just too focused on her thesis. Maybe that’s why she acted weird to you. In short, you’re overreacting.”
“Okay… Points are taken.”
“Good.”
“What do I do now?”
“How do I know? You know her… She’s… One in a million.”
“That’s why I will never give up on her, Jess. I love her. I really do.”

I felt terrible after that call, actually. Well, we’re both in the same position, loving the same girl but couldn’t do anything about it. I told Erick Oppa to give her time and space cause he really couldn’t try to push Taeyeon, nobody could. Taeyeon is so stubborn sometimes and he had to deal with it. I got a lot of migrain lately, especially when I remembered about that night, about the kiss and anytime, I would try to kill my feeling for her.

That day, I promised to meet Taeyeon at the college. After graduation, there were still some papers we needed to take care of for the sake of the job application. It was near to lunchtime when all the business finished. Taeyeon and I walked out of the administration building.

“Taengo-yah… Erick Oppa…”
“He called you again?”
“Yeah…”
“Do you want me to ask him to stop?”
“Aniiiii…” I pouted. She was so cold. “He’s a friend of mine too, though. I mean, how’s the thing with you, Taeng? Is everything okay lately? I know we’ve been busy with the graduation stuff, but it seemed that you pushed everyone away, including me.”

Taeyeon stopped her walk then threw her sight at me, looking confused.
“I didn’t push you away. Why do you think so?”
“Hmmm… Maybe it’s just me.”
“Are you okay? That’s the question.” She tapped my forehead softly. “Aren’t you the one who seems to avoid me lately? What’s going on, Sica?”
“I don’t know… I feel like you’re angry to me.”
“Why would you think so?”
“Taengo, I’m sorry… I’m sorry that I decided to leave you that night. I should’ve stayed to take care of you. I really feel terrible.”
“Sica… I’m really okay. I guess it wouldn’t change the fact that I need a break from Erick Oppa. Nobody could help it. Not even you. I know you’re trying to be a nice friend for him, but… I just feel like I had to stop, maybe for a while, or forever. I have no idea.”
“What did he do wrong?”
“Nothing.”
“Then?”
“I just don’t feel my heart beating the same way for him.” She grabbed her tumbler from inside her sideway pocket. “Or maybe… It’s actually indeed never beat for him, even at the very beginning. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I should’ve not dated somebody just because I thought that he’s good for me. Maybe I’m too naive.”
“Take your time…”
“I will do, Sica.” We both sat on the bench near the faculty’s building. “Speaking of that night, what’s actually happened? You haven’t told me.”
 

I leaned my back to the bench, trying to recall that moment, once again, but avoided that particular moment that happened in Taeyeon’s rumor. I remembered her, Im Yoona, and her friends. We spent the night together and it was actually a night one. I was a little surprised to remember that we actually did make out on the couch before everything was getting blurred and darker for her to be able to remember.

“Yoona is my middle school friend back then in the US. She had a crush on me-”
“...who happened to once again, has another crush with you?” Taeyeon teased me. Huh. I hate her facial expression while doing it.
“We had a good night, actually.”
“Define what’s good night?”
“Errrr…”
“Did you…?” Taeyeon gazed at me.
"WHAT?" My eyes got widened.
"...stay with her, all night long?"
“Nooooo… W-What do you mean? Ugh.” I bit my lips, feeling to run away from that conversation. I felt so panic that she questioned me that. Little thing she wouldn't know that actually, I hope she would feel jealous of Yoona, but nevermind.
“I got it.” Taeyeon nodded. “I’m glad that you enjoyed that night. I have to be honest with you, she’s so gorgeous. Really… I did a little research and it seems that she’s quite famous as a YouTuber in the US as she collected 7 million subscribers on her page.”
“Whoa whoa whoa! I didn’t even find out.”
“You didn’t? I guess you like her.”
“I’m not sure about that…”
“Then why did you kiss somebody you’re not sure if you like her?”

In the name of God, dear Kim Taeyeon…
I felt terrible at the moment. Her question pierced my heart so deeply. Why did I kiss her if I’m not sure if I like her? I have no idea. Maybe, I’m just a player? I don’t know, but one thing I know, I kissed somebody I like the most and I meant it and sadly, she didn’t even know that I kissed her: The girl who sat beside me.

“Alcohol…”
“Really?” I nodded softly. “Then you have to control it.”
“Control it?”
“How could you find a good one for you if you just kiss and leave like that?”

‘Just kiss and leave like that’ Oh hell yeah…
I didn’t budge. At all.