"Sooyeon-ah, are you okay? You talked so little today."
"Don't call me Sooyeon..." I kinda hated my Korean name, well...
"Arraseo! I mean, Sica."
"And what's wrong with that?"
"It's just... not you?"
"I have the right to talk and not to talk."
 

I frowned. I tried to shift my sitting position and looked away slightly so I didn't have to directly face Taeyeon. Let me introduce you, my name is Jessica, Jung Jessica. I don't actually have an official Korean name, but my father needlessly gave me one, Jung Sooyeon. And her, Kim Taeyeon, she is my best friend since middle school. I moved to Seoul in my third year in middle school and experienced quite a lot of culture shock, because even though I was a Korean, I was born and raised in Los Angeles and studying hangul really made it difficult for me to adapt. One of a kind, Taeyeon is a quiet girl, famous for her intelligence in painting, and the first person to greet me, the first person to offer help when I fell down from my bicycle in front of the school, right in front of all the children who laughed at me. Almost 10 years after that, Taeyeon is still my best friend, the most precious person I have in my life.

Well... I've been thinking a lot for the past months about what happened with me. Nothing's new that Taeyeon acts gently towards me, and the way she cares a lot about me, everything, it's just normal, but it's just me. I remember that day when we had a sleepover at her place and when she told me about the dreams she always wants to achieve and since it was our final year at college, she made plans already about where to work, what to do and everything. There, I was trapped in her beautiful eyes. To me, her eyes are like the brightest constellation, the prettiest, the purest. My heart stopped its beat when she stared at me so closely while lying down beside me. That was the first time I really wanted to kiss her, to feel her warmth, to smell her scent and feel her heartbeat. I was wondering myself 'Do I like her, Taeyeon, my bestfriend?' or even the most important question was 'Am I really gay?'.

"You're making me sad."
"Why is that?" I was surprised she said so.
"See? After the last class, we went to cafe but you didn't eat anything. You didn't talk. You didn't even listen to me." She turned my body so she could face me. "Really... Tell me. What is this all about? You're acting weird lately..."
"Uhmm... Nothing?"
"You can't lie to me."
"I don't."
"Trust me, you do."
"Taengo..."
"I'm listening."
"I'm afraid..."
"Of what?"
"Taengo-yah..." I gulped.

I started to shed tears without a clear explanation. Falling for Taeyeon, I wasn't sure if that's real or basically just because we've been together for such a long time so I kinda misinterpret the feeling inside me. The second hardest part was, it's really about my ual identity. I was secretly installed a dating apps provided for LGBT-Q people where I met several girls and actually, I found it more comfortable to talk with girls rather than with the guys. I stared at Taeyeon's pale face, the most favorite face, the one I would choose to see for entire of my life.

"Sica, you know you could tell me anything..." She rubbed my arm.
"Will you ever leave me if I revealed you my secret?"
"What? What the hell happen to you?"
"Just answer it..."
"No! Of course not! God! Why would you think so?"
"Cause maybe there's a condition where you're no longer be able to accept me as who I am."
"You know, what scares me the most about you? And what's gonna cost me everything to accept about you?"

I took a deep breath silently. My knees were weak. "What?"
"That you pretend to be someone you're not, that you do things you don't want, that you live your life unhappily. See yourself now. Nothing you should hide from me, Sica. I will accept you no matter what, as long as you don't lie about who you are. That what's gonna cost me everything." She moved her face closer and rubbed my cheek softly. "Sica, I'm all ears. What's gotten into you lately?"

There, I was dead.
My brain freeze and couldn't seem to work properly.

"I think I'm gay." The words went out just like that uncontrollably. I stared blankly at Taeyeon who looked at me the same way. "Taengo, I'm gay. I like girls... I don't feel like comfortable to talk with the guys. I know, I dated some, but... I went for some dates lately, with girls and it feels comfortable, actually. Really. I just don't how to confess it all to you. I'm scared you would push me away, or that you'll hate me for who I am. If being gay is the thing that makes me happy, the thing that makes me... me. Will you be able to accept me for who I am?"

Both of us were stunned while facing each other, that sunny day inside my room. That was the hardest thing I ever experienced after struggling to deal with hangul back then in middle school. It was her to make the first move. She reached for my hands and held them tightly. I braced myself to be ready for whatever she would say to me. I took my chance and she could do hers.

"Sica, I'm sorry..."
"Are you going to unfriend me now?" . I wasn't ready for that one.
"Are you mad? Of course, no. I'm sorry if I make you feel like you have to feel scared to tell all of this to me. It hurts me a little though. I mean, I should be the safest place for you to come and tell everything. I'm sorry that you must spent days thinking about this all."
"Months, Taeng... Months."
"You should've told me earlier..."
"It wasn't easy thing... I'm afraid that you'll push me away. Really..." I looked down. I cried another tears. I couldn't imagine how it feels like to actually living my life without her, my best friend, my first love. "If you're questioning, I was so scared, Taeng. I'm afraid to lose you..."
"Sica, nothing could make me love you less." There, I was dead again. Did she just say she... loves... me...? It was an indirect statement, but should I keep my hope high? Taeyeon, please. "You're my best friend. We've spent 10 years together. So, if I could handle all of your annoying barbie princess personality since the middle school, why can't I accept you for liking girls?"

I killed my hope. I decided not to go further than what it was. A warm smile shined on my face as I couldn't ask for a better best friend like her, like my Taengo. To hear that she accepted me and my recent confession was more than enough. About the feeling about her, I decided to actually redefine it once again cause I had to be more careful about it or I could just lose her like the worst nightmare I could never imagine about it at all.

"Taengo..." I started to sob. I couldn't thank her more.
"Say no more!" She moved closer to embrace me on her arms, right when I needed it the most. Taeyeon's hug is the best cure in the world and to feel her warmth, I would trade anything to get it, as I couldn't get enough. "So, you started to date girls? Since when?"
"Around 3 months..."
"Whoa. Same behavior, different target?"
"YAHHHH!" I hit her shoulder right away.
"What's with that scream