Shanghai 2019

“Fei, what do you want?” I looked up from the book in front of me, fixing my glasses. Jackson held up his meal card.

“Don’t use your points up on me, you won’t have any for finals.” He shook his head.

“Nah, I don’t study, so I don’t have to buy the excessive amounts of coffee that you and Kris drink.” I rolled my eyes at him and squinted my eyes at the café menu.

“Iced Macchiato-“

“With soy milk, two sugars.” Two hands reached over me to put down the drinks announced.

“Kris,” Jackson groaned, and I laughed.

“You can save your meal points now, Jackson.” Kris got a chair from the table over and sat at the front of the table, Jackson and me on his right and left.

“So what is Fei studying and how is the staring going, Jackson?” Jackson rolled his eyes, and I showed Kris the title of my Criminal Justice textbook. He pulled a distasteful face.

“I’m sorry we can’t all be business majors like you.” He laughed and Jackson pointed his finger at him.

“There’s a party this Saturday, you’ve heard about it yes?” Kris nodded and I looked up from my notebook.

“Yeah, Qing Yi is hosting it since her parents are in Singapore. She lives, like, 3 roads down from me.” Jackson threw his hands up, getting some stares.

“Perfect, we’ll stay at your apartment then, wonderful. We won’t need to walk back drunk to our place.”

“We?” I exclaimed and Jackson nodded.

“You haven’t been to a party all year, Fei. It’s our last year of college! It’s like, essential that we have fun in these last few weeks. Your job isn’t going to allow you to party.”

“Why party when I can just buy myself some wine and sit at home watching Running Man on our ty TV?”

“Hey, I got that on sa-“

“Jackson’s right, Fei. You haven’t enjoyed your last year of college at all. You just nailed your dream job and Jackson and I have wanted to celebrate that for weeks because you always have something. I know for a fact you won’t have anything this weekend.” I raised my eyebrow at Kris.

“And how do you know that?”

“All of your journalism club friends are going to be at the party.” Jackson snapped in my face and pointed.

“Exactly, exactly. He got you there, you have to come.” I closed my book, knowing that I would get nothing done with both of them here. It’s hard enough with Jackson.

“I’ll start at Kris’ apartment and then see how I feel. If I don’t want to go, I’ll just crash there and take care of your hungover after you get back.” I pushed Jackson’s hand out of my face.

“She partially agreed that’s all we need. Now, Kris, can you buy me a coffee too, there’s only two.”

“That’s on purpose.”

“You bi-“Jackson and Kris went on insulting each other as I started to put away my things. We weren’t studying after this, no way.

_

“It’s so weird walking to Kris’ apartment, don’t you think?”

“You mean the wealth divide? Yes.” Jackson held my bookbag as we walked up the hill. We had to take the bus to Kris’ house, but it only dropped up off 2/3rds of the way there.

“I mean, the two of us, our part time jobs combined, can barely pass with that piece of junk apartment. Then Kris, who doesn’t work, has his parents pay for it, lives in a two-story apartment five times the size of our house.” I nodded.

“He’s asked if we wanted to move in multiple times. And each time-“

“You say no because you “can’t deal with living off of someone else”, we been knew,” Jackson imitated my voice and I hit him lightly over the head.

“You didn’t want to move in with him either, don’t put the blame on me Wang Jia Er.” He glared at me for calling him his full name and shifted my bookbag to the other shoulder as we arrived at the base of Kris’ building.

“I’m not saying I don’t want to live with him, but I’m not, not saying that. I think our living arrangement is quite comfortable and I’m sad to be leaving it at the end of this semester.” We walked in, waving to the door man, Jackson’s friend, and going up the elevator.

“I told you, there room on the lease for two people, I could literally say you’re like my brother and make them have to take you.”

“No, I just can’t even deal with living off someone else,” I tried to hit him again but he dodged, “Either way, I’m moving to Beijing, I’m not trying to drive a days’ worth to get to work.” The elevator dinged, meaning we were on Kris’ floor.

“It’s going to be so weird living alone. I won’t have to deal with your constant screaming at Fifa, how can I not have that?” Jackson rang the doorbell, sticking his tongue out at me.

Kris opened the door, letting us in. We took off our shoes and Jackson put my bag in a cubby.

“You two know the dress code is formal? She’s throwing some black tie event.” Jackson went straight for the kitchen, as we agreed to eat dinner together and fool around before heading down.

“My dress is in that bag and Jackson’s stealing your clothes because all of his tuxes are job-interview ones.” Kris nodded a led me into his house. I didn’t leave the hand hovering at the small of my back unnoticed. If I went to the party, we’d have to play my favorite game: Who advances more? Jackson or Kris. Right now, Kris and Jackson are tied. On the way here, Jackson made sure no creepy man bumped into me on the bus by putting his body almost on top of me. Maybe Jackson was bolder, so he gets more points. Jackson is always bolder.

“So what did our chef make us tonight?” I turned the corner to see a pouting Jackson and an empty kitchen.

“Nothing.”

“I thought it would be nice to make something together. This is probably the last night we’ll have to relax and let loose… and be together just us three with nothing.” I smiled at Kris and laughed.

“That’s very cute, but Jackson and I can’t cook. We barely survive on instant food.” Kris shook his hand and reached into a cabinet beside the fridge throwing us two aprons. Mine had cute flowers on it and Jackson’s looked like a Grandmothers. I laughed at him and looked at Kris putting on his apron.

“What a handsome executive chef we have. I bet he gets it from him mom.” Kris rolled his eyes and went to pull out pots and pans.

“I’ll teach you both how to cook, it’s pretty easy. It’s only hot pot and dumplings. You know how to do dumplings you were with my family on New Years.”

“Just because we were there doesn’t mean we helped make the food. Your mom, the owner of various restaurants and a nation-wide cooking show, made all the food and had us watch her do it.”

I nodded in agreement with Jackson and looked back at Kris who was digging in his fridge.

“You know what, Fei Yu can you go upstairs and get my phone off my desk? I’ll just play a video for you guys so you can try to make them.”

“Yeah, yeah.” I turned and put on Kris’ indoor sandals by the stairs, walking up them. Kris’ bedroom was always dark, even when you turned the lights on. It was also bigger than Jackson and I’s apartment with floor to ceiling windows and a walk in closet.

“Kris!” I yelled, “It’s not on your desk!”

“Oh, uh…. Try my closet, I might have put it down to change!” I walked into the dark room and the lights went on instantly. Tuxes, shirts, and supreme lined the walls, his phone on the round ottoman on the center, a place I found myself a lot when he had to pick out outfits for dates or parental activities.

BANG

“Jackson!” I laughed as Kris’ yell and looked in the floor to length mirror. I looked way to drab for even this closet. Jeans and a tank top. All thrifted. Maybe my saving feature is I had good hair, that’s about it. I turned in the mirror, thinking about what I should steal from Kris’ closet. A supreme hoodie or a Acne beanie? It was a little cold in his apartment, so I’ll take that. Add it to my collection of stolen clothes from the boys. Clothes that I’ll have to give back to them when I move. My smile fell thinking about leaving them. I’d only be a few minutes from Kris, but hours from Jackson. Our group of 3 down to maybe 1 and a half when Kris goes to run his mother’s restaurant empire.

“Fei, did you find it?!”

“Yeah!” That was my queue to stop day dreaming about being rich and go back downstairs.

The lights were off and it vaguely smelled of food. What kind of prank had Jackson wrapped Kris into?

“This isn’t funny, guys. I’m talking to you Jackson, don’t jump out and-“ The lights and they both turned around the corner, candles illuminating Kris’ face. Jackson had his phone us, filming my surprised face and singing happy birthday loud and off key on purpose. As soon as I realized what was happening I broke out into a smile, but still crossed my arms.

“Happy birthday to,” a big breath, “yOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.”

“Now make a wish.” Kris held out the cake and I blew out the candles. He put the cake down and searched for a knife.

“So, this was all planned? From the moment Jackson even mentioned the party on Tuesday?”

“No, there’s still a party, but we thought since you won’t be able to celebrate your birthday next week, we’d do this.”  Kris passed me a piece of cake and we just stood in his kitchen eating.

“This is very cute, did you make this cake?” Jackson nodded.

“Kris made it, I added the fruit on top.”

“Wow, he let you touch it? That’s new, Kris.” Kris rolled his eye and I laughed, propping myself to sit on the counter next to the cake.

“I set up the hotpot in the dining room, too. There’s no need to make anything, it’s your birthday and Jackson can’t cook.” Kris and Jackson started bickering again and I just smiled and looked at them both. Did we really have to go to the party? We could just have a night in, us three. The semester ended in less than two weeks and that means we’d all have to move on. With all the studying and the job searching, we weren’t going to have a “nothing to do” moment for a long time. This could be the last.

“Guys, I’m not feeling the party. Can’t we stay here? I’m sure Kris has something to drink.” I pointed to the wine cooler next to Jackson’s legs.

“I’m all for it, but at least one of us has to make an appearance at the party. I already talked to Qing Yi about it.” He glanced over to Jackson who was enjoying his second piece of cake.

“You want me to go? Why? I’ve already walked so much! You’re dressed up already.” Kris gave a look to Jackson and a silent understanding passed through them. I wanted to break their eye line, seeing if I got the secret message.

“Fine, fine, fine. I’ll go in for no more than an hour, but I have to borrow your clothes.”

Once they were in agreement, something spurred Kris to get through everything as fast as we could. He was careful enough to make dinner go long so Jackson didn’t walk into the party when is started, but I still sensed an urgency, like he wanted Jackson out. No, that’s exactly what it was. He didn’t even let Jackson go pick out his own outfit, knowing how undecisive he is. Kris just came down with a shirt, pants, and shoes, and threw them at Jackson to get changed in the downstairs bedroom.

“You gave me the tight pants I like, good.” I was sitting on the couch, going through my upcoming assignments. Kris was making sure Jackson was wearing everything right, but also pushing him out of the door at the same time.

“I heard that Qing Yi likes your thighs Jackson, I think Kris is helping you out.”

“I don’t like Qing Yi.” I shrugged and couldn’t deny Jackson did look good in the outfit Kris picked out. I couldn’t get to see it in detail because Kris had him at the door stoop already.

“Don’t drink a lot, my supply of Tylenol is running low.”

“I can’t make any promises, expensive alcohol is my kink, Kris.” I let out a small laugh and flipped to my English class page. No final test, but an essay. They started whispering something to each other as Jackson opened the door and ended with both of them saying: “An hour.”

“You wanted him out quick,” Kris sat down next to me, looking at what I was doing.

“It’s the weekend Fei, chill out with the homework, it’s not going to go anywhere,” He grabbed my computer and closed it, putting it on the coffee table. My computer was then replaced with his head, laying on me. Kris: 2 Jackson 1.5.

“Can I help you, sir?”

“You let Jackson do this all the time, why can’t I without question?” I let out a little laugh because he knew the answer.

“Jackson does it all the time, I’m used to it.”

“If I lived with you, you’d be used to it.”

“Okay, Yi Fan.” He mimicked me calling him his real name and I went to flick his head, “Why did you want Jackson gone do bad?” He sat up again, turning to face me on the couch.

“You and Jackson get alone time, why can’t we?” Oh no, please don’t tell me this is where it’s going.

“Kris, our alone time is him yelling at Mark on FIFA while I’m trying to study. I wouldn’t call that alone time to share our feelings and deepest darkest secrets. Besides, you know as much about me as Jackson does.” He pointed at me.

“That’s a lie. I came in high school. You grew up with Jackson.”

“I grew up with a little kid who used to eat bugs.” He laughed just once and rested his arm on the back of the couch.

“It’s going to be weird after graduation. The first time you and Jackson will be apart.”

“You seem happy about that. More alone time with me.” He rolled his eyes again in that annoying way.

“When are you going to tell him the company is only paying your rent for the first two months?” This is when the air got serious. The real reason he wanted Jackson out.

“I’m not going to tell him because I’ll be able to pay it.” Kris shook his head.

“That apartment is in this area. I know what rent and I know how much they’re paying you as an intern. You’ll have to get three jobs to pay it.” I stood up from the couch, knowing where this conversation was going. Kris did too, following me aimlessly.

“I know where you’re trying to go with this and don’t. If I haven’t said yes, why would I n-“

“Fei Yu.” He grabbed my shoulders and turned me around to face him.

“Yi Fan.”

“Live with me.” I shook my head, trying to get out of his grasp, but he held strong.

“No, I told you I’m not going to live off of your par-“

“In a month, I’ll have my own job and be making my own money. You won’t be freeloading because, one, it’s my money, and, two, I don’t care. I don’t want you to finally have your dream job, just to get it taken away from you because you can’t find an apartment here.” He dropped his hands, but I didn’t move.

“If I can’t pay rent, which I can, I’ll go back to my aunt’s house. I can use the bus to get back and forth, it’s not a problem. I did it my first year of college.”

“You know if my mother hears that you’re living with Li Ah-Yi, she’s going to insist you move in with me. No, she’s going to force it to happen.”

“And if I move in with you now, your mom is going to complain that I’m here to my aunt. I think I’ll pass on that.” He sighed and turned to the window to look out at the city.

“Fei, I know you don’t want to, but you need to think logically. The math doesn’t work out and I’m here offering you any room in this house.” I shook my head. That’s not the only reason he wants me to live with him. Just like there was an ulterior motive to get Jackson out, there’s another to get me in. Let me test that motive.

“I can always go to Beijing and look with Jackson. We’ve done it before with our part time incomes, and Beijing houses are a bit cheaper anyways. I could find a good job at a news company there and then move on.”

“And let Jackson freeload off of you again? You’re fine with that?” I turned sharply to him and narrowed my eyes. This also wasn’t the first time he said something like that. He turned to face me again, this time a bit closer than before.

“Jackson and I pay rent together. The months Jackson can’t pay, I cover. The months I can’t pay, he covers. It’s mutual. I’m sorry we don’t have parents who funnel money into our accounts every month. You need to check who you’re talking, Yi Fan.”

“You know Jackson doesn’t have a plan after graduation. He’s going to Beijing hoping for something he’s not going to get. If anything, Jackson’s going to have to come back here with you again.”

“I don’t see you offering Jackson a place here. You have enough rooms.” He was silent. I knew then I had gotten him. The ulterior motive.

“There’s some stuff between Jackson and I that you just don’t know.”

“He’s your best friend, Kris. You’re just going to hang him out to dry like that?” I reached out and grabbed my hands, this time it was a light touch. A sincere one, not one filled with anger.

“Can you just let me take care of you for once?” I was a soft plead and stirred something inside of me, but another part of me just couldn’t accept that.

“I don’t need anyone to take of me Kris.”

“You will.” I scoffed.

BANG. BANG. BANG.

Kris groaned and let go of my hands, going to see who was at his door. I looked at the clock, almost 45 minutes had passed since Jackson left. It could be him. I just stood by the window, my hands in the position they were when Kris had them. You will. What is that supposed to mean?

“Jackson, bro, what-“

“It was so, bro! So hard to get into the thingy the uhm,” He reverted to our dialect, “Elevator system. Yeah, that. Also, party good. Very good. We all should’ve went! Fei YU!” Jackson lumbered over to me and I still hadn’t moved from the window. Kris and I locked eyes and the seriousness from our conversation was still in his eyes. Jackson clambered on me, making me step back a bit try to hold him up.

“Fei, I had a bit to drink, oops. Can we sit on the couch?” He pointed behind him and I tried to shift him so he was on my side. At least he wasn’t too drunk and walked with me, falling on the couch, almost taking me with him.

“Fei, fei…feifei, fei!” I looked up and Jackson was on his side, doing his famous pouty face. I laughed a little bit at him and he put his hand on the top of my head.

“Yes, Jackson?”

“Can you make that drink? You know the tea I like? The yellow, yellow? Is it yellow? I think it’s-“

“I don’t think Kris has that Jackson, we’ll have to go home to get it.” He started to get up and I pushed him down.

“Do you have chrysanthemum tea?” Kris was standing at the edge of the couch by Jackson’s feel, almost glaring down at him.

“I think so yeah,” he didn’t move.

“Well can you go get some?” I seemed that Kris’ annoyance shot up when Jackson had entered the door and he frowned before turning around to go get the tea from his pantry.

“How did you drink so much in like 45 minutes?” I went to take his shoes off, a little dust on Italian leather.

“I just… I don’t know I told you. My vice. I couldn’t let you have too much time with our nobility.” I rolled my eyes and he just let out a high-pitched laugh. Once I got both his shoes off, I just sat down on the floor next to his head waiting for Kris to get the tea.

“Do you think you can make it home on the bus in like an hour?”

“Yeah, after I get this damn tea. Kris!”

“Coming,” Kris grumbled handing Jackson his tea. He went to sit up and I helped him up a bit before sitting on the couch next to him. Kris joined on Jackson’s right. I think he could sense the tension as we sat there in silence.

“So, Qing Yi tried to get me to stay, like stay stay the whole night.”

“Well why didn’t you stay?” Kris was still angry Jackson was here. Interesting.

“I told her I had someone else to go home to, my FIFA.”

“You didn’t tell that to her face did you?” He turned to me and shook his head, then held it a bit as he probably was still feeling the effects of how much alcohol he had.

“No, not the FIFA part, just the person part. Now she’s going to start something at school with her little group or whatever, I don’t know. Don’t care! We only have two weeks left! Hey you two haven’t drank yet, Kris has so much wine right over there lets just-“

“I’m not in the drinking mood, Jack.”

“Me either.” Kris droned my words and Jackson relaxed again in his seat.

“Well that’s not fun. You can come over to our place tomorrow Kris, we have some of the alc. If you wanna come over to our side that is.”

“He can’t his family dinner is tomorrow night.”

“Oh.” We sat in silence again, Jackson sipping at his tea and looking between the both of us. With each minute that passed I got madder and madder. Who does he think he is? You will? I will need you? Hm. I didn’t need you to pay my bills the past 4 years, Kris.

“It’s kind of late, Fei. We should be getting home before the buses go to one per hour.” Jackson sounded completely sobered up and I think the atmosphere helped, “Do you want me to change Kris or-?”

“Uh, yeah, you probably don’t want to be in those sweaty clothes anyways.” Jackson got up quickly, finally getting an out of the situation and I stood up to go over to the door. Kris followed me, but kept his distance as I put on my shoes.

“Fei Yu.” I didn’t look up as I grabbed my bookbag from the cubby, stuffing in my computer.

“Fei Yu, just consider what I said to you. Logically. I know you’re mad right now, but just think over it. Promise me that?” He stepped forward, almost closing me into the shoe space.

“I can’t promise anything right now.”

“Fei Yu.” It was a whisper this time, pleading. I look in his eyes, yep, pleading.

“I don’t want to be mad at you right now Kris, but it’s hard.”

“You ready to g…oh…” Kris turned so Jackson could get to his tennis shoes, and he slipped them on. I opened the door, turning my back of Kris.

“See you at school on Monday. Lunch at the usual spot.” Jackson walked out and the door closed behind us, beeping. The automatic lights went on in the hall and we walked to the elevator. It was silent then. I was mad, Jackson was not going to probe me. He knew I would be the one to talk first, no matter how long it would be, I’d be the first to rant.

The street was dark, and the hum of music could be heard down the street. It was only midnight, so the party was now at full speed. Jackson had some music, JJ Lin or someone with that type of voice. He needed something to fill the silence; Jackson hated silence. I did too, and the music was soothing, but I could feel Jackson wanted me to spill.

“He asked me again to live with him after college.” He didn’t seem surprised and lowered the music.

“And you said no again, making him mad and upset. Then I can in the middle of the conversation and broke whatever atmosphere there was.”

“Correct.”

“Bookbag?” He help his hand out and I gave my back to him. Now I could talk with my hands.

“I don’t know why he asks so much. It’s been more lately, here and there. Just jokes you know. Then tonight it was all: I can provide, you don’t have to feel bad. Then I was like, why can’t you give Jackson a room either-“

“Why’d you have to bring me into this?”

“Well it’s true! He’s only offered me a place.” Jackson shoot his head.

“I told him I didn’t need one when he asked and then he didn’t push further. So, he has asked me once or twice, but not as much as you.” We sat down on the empty bench, the yellow light illuminating us from above.

“I just. I want him to come out and say it. Like, what is the real reason you want me to live with you. I know the reason. You know the reason, but he won’t say it.” Jackson tapped his foot.

“And what happens when he finally says it to you?” I paused my rant. I haven’t thought about that at all. I don’t know what I would say. I haven’t dissected that part of my brain since high school.

“I don’t know. Haven’t thought about it.” He sat so he was facing me, straddling the bench.

“What if I said it right now? If I said come with me, I like you. Then what if Kris said it, I don’t know, like Monday at school. Who would you go with? Beijing or here?” I frowned at him and shook my head.

“Neither of you, I have my own house. Well I have it at the end of July.”

“No, no. You have no house to go to besides your Aunt’s. No job. And then I come, and Kris come and say, come with me. Hypothetically, who would you go with?”

“Jackson, I don’t know. I’d have to think about it not in the hypothetical. It’s like, pick between your two best friends.” He turned back around and shrugged.

“I guess. Who knows until it happens?”

“What do you mean until it happens? It’s not going to happen.”

“I’m glad you don’t go directly with Mr. Rich. I have a chance perhaps.”

“Shut up.” He laughed and checked his wallet.

“I have a few yuan, you wanna stop at the store on the way back to get some happy juice?”

“Round two?”