Jin Dynasty, 1212 

“Fei Yu, someone is waiting for you in the courtyard. They say to come quickly.” I looked up from my embroidery to Li Yang. Thank the heavens, my back was going to break. I ponded it with a fist before attempting to stand up. The pink fabric of this dress pooled around me, making it hard to step.

Pull up the skirt just a bit, not enough to show your feet. You must kick the skirt out to walk.

My Aunt’s words replayed in my head, but somehow, I could never copy her elegant ways of walking, eating, or even breathing. She said I was like a soldier, dirty and rough around the edges. A dig to my father’s way of life.

“Who is in the courtyard, Li Yang?” My handmaid walked ahead of me, showing me around corners and down the stairs. I was always subject to my room in the back, being a proper lady. I could not be seen by others; I was to be hidden. It was the way it had to be. I only went out for lessons and meals, only to pass my cousin's room a few times each moon. However, that would not matter, I was to leave this place as soon as I came.

“I cannot say, they told me not to tell.” I pulled a sour face, thinking who it could be and why they were hiding. It wouldn’t be Yi Fan, and if they were here on my Aunt’s wishes, they wouldn’t have to conceal their identity.

“Do I have to great them formally? Are they young? A man or a woman?” Li Yang just shook her head, helping me lift my skirt before I fell down more stairs.

“They said that you would not come if I was to say.” My eyes narrowed. Who could it be? I now had a few ideas, and when I stepped into the courtyard, I froze, my eyes never leaving the back of the man standing there. He was broader, wore better armor this time around. We were both in different types of clothing now.

“Li Yang, can you make sure no one tries to come into the courtyard?”

“Yes, my lady.” She bowed out, having to address me in the most formal way. She thought he was someone of importance. He might be now, who knows?

“Jia Er, why-?” He rushed up to me from his few meters away. I stuttered back, catching my skirt with my shoe and falling. If he hadn’t caught my shoulders, I would be sitting on the stairs, holding an ankle. His face was so close. MY heart was beating, calling out to him. Save me.

“I’ve heard why you’re in the capital. I couldn’t miss this chance to see you before-“

“Let go of me!” It was harsh with little truth behind it. He let go but was still the same distance away. His eyes staring directly into my soul. I knew what he had came here for, and I couldn’t give it to him. Not anymore.

“Your aunt is trying to change you. You can barely walk in that dress, how are you supposed to fit in?” I glared at him, brushing the bag on my hip. He still had the ability to insult me.

“Shouldn’t you be blessing me? Is this not what you wanted? Look at you,” I gestured to his polished armor. Not that of a simple foot soldier anymore, “You got where you wanted. Are you sure it is not to big for you?” He smile just a bit, not what I wanted, and I could not help but soften a bit.

“But I don’t have who I want, Fei Yu.” I breathed in, thinking of what to say next. What to say if people were listening, and what to say if we were truly alone. Both of those things should have been the same sentence, but I chose the latter.

“You can’t be here, Jia Er. You left, you surrendered. Here I am too, surrendering to survive. It’s what we have to do, what fate has decided. There’s a line between you and I now. You can’t cross it and neither can I.” He sighed shifting his sword to his other hand.

“I left for you; you know that. To be the man your father wanted, and now you’re marry-“

“My father is dead. All of them are. We’re the only two left, Jia Er.” His face paled, knowing what had befallen our village. He would have had to known, he was fighting those who invaded.

“I can … I can provide now. I’m not the farmer’s child anymore. I can be there for you, Fei Yu. You don’t have to go through with this.” I tried to reach out for my hand, but I yanked it away, going to wipe the tears that were falling. I had tried giving him up if I was to survive in this world. I had pushed him back in my heart. I thought that if I wasn't to see him ever again, the love I had could slowly fade. Now, it was all coming back.

“Yi Fan was there for me when you had left. No matter if it was to become a man my father wanted, you weren’t there for me then, how do I know you will be here for me now.” That hurt him I could see his eyes fall even more. I was probably echoing every doubt he had in his heart. He needed to leave, before I couldn’t put up an act anymore. Before the words in my heart come out.

“He doesn’t-. Fei Yu, you know you don’t love that man.” Tears kept falling and I pulled out a fabric square, but I didn’t use it. I clutched onto it, trying so hard.

“Why are you talking about Yi Fan as if he wasn’t your best friend? He isn’t a stranger to you; you should be happy I’m marrying him. You know how he’ll treat me.” He took a step forward, and I couldn’t go back. I was stuck on the step and I couldn’t risk falling again.

“You don’t want this marriage. He knows that. He knows that you and I are pledged to each other. He crossed that boundary.”

“To protect me. To save me, Jia Er.”

“To save you from what?” His voice rose and echoed around the courtyard, “To save you from making a fool of yourself in front of his friends? His mother’s family? He knows, just like I do, you are not like them. You can never change where you came from, Fei Yu. You know they only reason his family is accepting you is because of your Aunt. You’ll be outcasted the day after you give birth to a son.”

“He saved me from hunger! From being by the Mongols! He saved me from dying! You just can’t get over the fact that it wasn’t you, Jia Er! You feel guilt beyond repair. They’re all dead! Every. Single. One. Your father, my parents. You couldn’t save them then, and you can’t save me now. I have Yi Fan.” Everyone near could hear us now. No doubt my Aunt’s men will come in and look. Then Yi Fan will find out the man he’s been trying to stop got around. Jia Er always beat him at that aspect.

Jia Er stood there for a moment, staring me, his fist clenched. I was breathing hard, we both were. He grabbed my hand, my fabric dropped, and put in on his armor. It was cold and hard, and outer layer of Jia Er that was fake. Down inside, I knew he was crying out, just like I was.

“You can’t feel it, but my heart is beating. Everyday, my heart was beating for two reasons: my family and you. Now, I only have one. You keep my heart beating, Fei Yu. I wake up in the morning for you. I love you and I know you feel just the same. I won’t let someone who had just realized his feelings as you were fleeing. I go to war for you. I will go to war for you, Fei Yu. Yi Fan is not the only one who has power.” 

“Jia Er,” I was weak and pleading, hoping he would let go, but hoping he would hear the emotion behind my words, “I can’t fight for what I want anymore. No matter who or what. You and Yi Fan may have power, but I don’t.” He didn’t let go of my hand, hoping somehow through the metal, I would feel his flesh. I would remember everything. I do remember Jia Er. I do.

“Wang Jia Er, why are you in my house?” He dropped my hand, turning to the left where my aunt stood, her arms crossed, stern look. She knew Yi Fan’s ban. She knew that if I was in the capital, the best soldier in the Imperial Army would come visit. She knew she had to stop if before Yi Fan found out.

“Li Ah-Yi,” He bowed, “I had to see Fei Yu once more before the wedding. I’ll be gone when the celebration begins, and I may not come back.” My heart started beating rapidly. Why didn’t he start with that?

“You know I cannot allow you here any longer. You got to see Fei Yu, now you can leave. She must prepare her things to leave to her new house.” I looked to my Aunt, pleading in my eyes. She knew his words just affected me beyond repair. She knew Jia Er. She liked Jia Er more than she would every like Yi Fan.

“I understand, I’ll be on my way. I leave tonight.” That last sentence was meant to cut into me. Knowing this might be the last time I see him again. No. It couldn’t end this way.

“Very well.” She turned and disappeared behind the wood. We both knew she would be listening.

“Where are you going?” He had turned away from me.

“Just to the northeast. The Mongols are cutting through the countryside, trying to get to Chang’An.”

“You won’t return?”

“Who knows? I am in the front line.” His words were empty.

“Don’t get yourself killed, Jia Er. Don’t. I could not-“

“You what? You could not live without me? You have Yi Fan.” I gripped my fists and decided my final move. The ending move, something to render the enemy useless. He took one step, and I used his close proximity to wrap my arms around his middle. I couldn’t go all the way around as his armor was to bulky and I was so small in comparison to Jia Er. He grabbed my wrist.

“You wait till the end to do this?” His voice cracked in the middle.

“You waited till the end to tell me you might die, Jia Er. How could I not act like this?” It was a whisper.

“If you can do this, why can you not leave him?”

“I only have this much power.” This time, he took my wrist off of him, followed by my arms. The last touch was my right hand, lingering ever so slightly. He had not turned around but started walking ever so slowly. I put my right hand on my chest, the circular rock underneath the top of my dress. 

“Congratulations, Fei Yu. I’ll see you after the wedding.” I breathed out a sigh of relief.

“I will see you after, Jia Er. You must teach my sons how to fight.”

“How humiliating to not be able to teach my own sons.” He walked out, and I looked down where he stood finally letting my tears fall. My Aunt came out again, coming to my side.

“You must start packing, Fei Yu. In five suns, you will be someone’s wife.”

“Does it always hurt this much, Ah-Yi?” She sighed, long and hard.

“Once you have a good husband, you find other things to love that cover the pain of loss. Now come on.”

I reached for my fabric instinctively, trying to save my face. The fabric was not in my bag, nor on the ground where we once stood.