Yi Fan was gone for the day, having to take his father's place while the war was picking up speed and the Emporer had summoned his council together. This meant I had Li Yang and other servants over, this also meant I could practice on what men were leftover from Nobleman Wu's army. I had asked one of the younger men to bring sticks to we could spar. At first, he was terrified that if he had hit me in any way, he would be dead within the hour. I told him it was funny that he thought he would hit me. Now that he was breathing hard and on the ground for the 7th time, he believed me. 

"Who taught you how to fight, Lady Li? They must have been very good." 

"It was my brother, he was. One of the best in the kingdom." The soldier, Wang Chen Zi, stood up with my help and took some sips of water from the ladle I asked Li Yang to put out.

"May I ask his name? Would I know him now?" I shook my head. 

"He died in the last siege. Defending a village on the most Northern point, by the pale-skinned people. He was labeled a hero by the Emporer, that was our condolence. I was young then, not yet a woman. Then a close friend also started teaching me." It was now getting dark. The days were getting shorter, and without the basic armor I had on, I would need another layer of a robe. I wonder if it was snowing in the North yet. This cold season took a handful of villagers yearly, and I knew that he was up near them. Did he have enough clothing? 

We went in for the evening, I made sure the men who had come would eat inside. They had all been hesitant at first, claiming they only eat outside, but once the nights had gotten colder, they were racing to come indoors after patrolling the grounds. 

"What is the meeting with the Emporer about? Do any of you know? I know you, Liu Zhen, you just can back from the front lines." Li Yang asked her favorite soldier, knowing he would answer her. Chen Zi had told me, Liu Zhen was only waiting for the approval of Nobleman Wu for his noble discharge. I had found out that once I had left, Li Yang had been assigned to care for the soldiers who ranked above her in the compound. There they had met. 

"Our army is not doing well. They need more troops, but we don't have as many. The people stationed in the North, farther than I was, the strong members of the Imperial Army, they're struggling in the harsh winter. The Mongols live in winter, where we seem to be unequipped. Most of the volunteer soldiers are from the South and have never seen snow. They are dying more from illness than from arrows." I sat up more in my chair, wrapping the new blanket around me. 

"Do you know of any high ranking officers that have died?" They all turned to me, usually the quietest during mealtime. I just listen to their stories. 

"Plenty, Lady Li. Too many to name actually. I'm sorry to scare all of you who are going up there, but it is good to be realistic." 

"Whom of you are leaving?" Half of them, the younger ones, had raised their hands including Chen Zi. My eyes softened. They were younger than I, and they had to risk their lives. There was a silence that followed and another girl who I didn't know her name added wood to the fire. 

"I wish all of you health and good fortune." 

"Thank you, my Lady." They all echoed, but it was weak and sad. 

"My Lady, can I ask a question?" One of the young ones who was going, I didn't know his name either, he turned and bowed to me.

"Of course."

"What is the winter like in the North? I am from here, we rarely see the white fall from the sky." 

"You rarely see snow. That's what it is called: snow." They all now seem interested, at least the ones who had never been, "Winter in the North is very harsh. The winds can blow over any man if they aren't careful and the snow can get taller than the legs of a horse. Sometimes, it seems that the sun never appears in the sky longer than a mealtime. It is similar to here, the trees lose their leaves, the animals all hide for the winter. But, the air seems to freeze, leaving ice even on your body. If you do not bring or wear three robes at once, you will freeze to death it seems. Never take a bath. Clean yourselves inside, and never let the wind touch water on your skin. Cover your mouth, nose, hands, ears, and feet. At all times. If you need water, you can take and boil what is on the ground. I think they will all tell you this when you get there, but it is good to know. When I was younger, most soldiers came to my village asking for extra clothing, as they didn't bring enough. If you are cold there, put your hands under your arms and try to go inside. If your skin feels like it is burning hot, even when you are outside, so much so you must take off your clothes, never take them off. Never take off your clothes. A sickness goes around when people feel they are in the sun and the cold doesn't hurt them. They take off their clothes and run outside, then their skin and mouth turn blue." 

"Fei Yu," I looked to the door, seeing Yi Fan take off the fabric around his head, "Stop scaring them with your stories. I've been to the North it is not as bad as she says." 

"You have been to the North only 3 times, husband." He smirked and laughed once before everyone started to get ready to take the short journey back. I quickly snuck into Yi Fan's study, looking for some parchment. In the few months that I had been here, Yi Fan had been teaching me the written language. I had learned, but my script was nothing as beautiful as Yi Fan's. On the parchment, I wrote a simple character: 死. I snuck out and looked around, Yi Fan was helping himself to the food Li Yang had made and Chen Zi was cleaning up the sparing things he had brought. I went out the door, the fire lanterns outside blowing in the wind. 

"Chen Zi, can you do me a favor?" He stood up straight and nodded. 

"Yes, Lady Li."

"I'm giving you this, with the Wu seal so everyone will respect it and it will come directly back to me. When you go to the North, I need to you find a way to get this parchment read by Corenol Wang Jia Er. If you find that he is dead, send me back this paper, just as it is. If you find that he is alive, give instructions to send back a paper with 生 on it. Life's character. Can you do that?" 

"Yes, Lady Li, I will try my best." I smiled at him and gave him the roll. 

"Stay safe and healthy, I wish to see you back here after the war ends. You must show me how much you have grown as a soldier." They all went on their way back and I joined Yi Fan inside. He had seen me outside but didn't say anything about it. 

"Do you know how the meeting went with your father?" He shook his head.

"Not much, but he seemed upset when he had come back. The Emporer seems to be asking for more and more soldiers, but my father doesn't want to lose good men to the cold or the Mongols." I nodded and sat down at the cushion across from Yi Fan. In our months of marriage, nothing seemed to change. My steps of mourning had come in the form of nightmares and staring to nowhere, but I would always find myself in Yi Fan's arms when I came to. It was nice to have someone to be there for you, but I still felt the awful feeling in my soul. The one I felt the day we were officially married. I still dreamed of him as well. Those were almost nightly. The stone still sat in this home. Perhaps that is the reason I cannot give Yi Fan children so soon. 

"My mother made me eat dinner with her tonight, but it was not as good as Li Yang's food. You're coming close as well." 

"What did she have to say about me this time?" He laughed, knowing that's what he wanted to talk about. 

"She asked about children again. She said that it has been almost half a year and that you should be halfway through holding a child. That's most of it. She also said that she hasn't seen you since the second solstice and would like to embroider with you." I gave him a funny look. 

"You know I could not embarrass myself that much in front of your mother. She seems to be the best embroiderer in the whole kingdom." 

"She wants to teach you and also ask you why you haven't had a child." There was a silence when he ate, and I rested on the table. Not like a lady, but like the village girl I was. I enjoyed that about being with Yi Fan. I could act like who I really was. 

"Do you also question why I haven't given you a child yet?" He set the empty bowl aside and shook his head.

"We are still young. I am not even near my brother in age, and he isn't ready to be married. We have time. Rising with you in my arms is all that I need." I softened again. Through all this, he still is so lovely. Why couldn't I give him my whole heart? 

"When the day comes that you do not think that anymore, tell me." 

"I don't think that day will come, wife." My eyebrows lifted as he called me that title. It was very rare for him to speak in any dialect. He had called me wife in mine. "You called me husband today, in your mother tongue. Perhaps you didn't know that it happened, as it was natural. Here we say it in a different way, but I wanted to try. I have asked some of the men next to my father about the dialect you speak. The scholars that is. They are teaching me pieces."

"What have you learned so far, husband?" I again, this time in my dialect. 

"I love you." 

_____

The winter had picked up, meaning not many travels could be done. It was even after the new year celebration that the cold stayed. Some friends of the Wu's had fallen sick from the cold and I had helped to nurse them. They had found a good use for me and therefore the women who used to gossip about my village-ways now praised where I came from. Now the only thing they had to talk about was the fact I had no child. Yi Fan's mother had gotten to me and asked, I told her I was waiting till after the cold had passed. It was not right to bear a child in the cold in my village, as they would get sick and die. This was a lie, the women in my village knew how to take care of the sick better than any capital doctor. I could also tell Yi Fan was getting impatient. Every time he would go with his friends or his brothers, they would mock him. How is it that you have been married almost a whole cycle, but no child? I could see every question wear down his face more and more. How badly I wanted to give him one. How badly I just wanted to push down my pride and let Yi Fan have what he dearly wanted. He wanted a son. He would say that I am enough, but the winter nights are long and cold, and a house as large as ours seems not to be filled by just two people. I was waiting, holding off on one thing. The note had not yet found its way back to me and it had been 4 moons. I would have thought that with the Wu's seal, it would travel well, but I might have to wait till the cold leaves. In the North, that is 4 more moons after the Spring Festival. 

"Is this how our wedding felt to others? We laugh and some cry, eat, and then go home after?" Yi Fan's brother had been married finally to a young girl that always had a scared look on her face. This one was arranged and that of an alliance. She was younger than I, meaning the age was of question. Yi Fan had told me as long as she can bear the next Wu heir, the age did not have to matter. I was also not fond of Yi Fan's older brother and felt that I would have to support the young girl sometime down the road, perhaps during her pregnancy. 

"Our wedding was less... big? It was more about people coming to see the youngest child marry someone from the country. This involves two noble families and harbors much more importance. There was also much more laughing at our wedding than crying if that answers your question." I nodded and looked down at my plate. I could eat more this time around, as the focus was not on me, and it was sure that I was to be the favorite wife. After my healing, most of the noble people had known my name and thought of it fondly. Yi Fan said he felt proud. 

"Everyone, I would like to thank you for coming to this wonderful celebration and joining of two powerful families." The ending speech was happening, signaling it was time for the couple to ride off to their home and consummate their marriage. Their home was a walk away from ours, and maybe twice the size. Yi Fan was the youngest, so sadly, to him, we got the smallest house with no courtyard. I had been in the new house, helping Yi Fan's mother to pick out new presents for Yi Chu's new wife. I had wondered who had picked out my clothes and gifts when I was to be married. My Aunt was the most likely candidate and was even at this wedding today. I had not seen her since the last moon during the Spring Festival. 

People were leaving and saying goodbye to each other and my Aunt was able to come over to me, taking me to someplace with fewer people. Her urgency was recognizable. 

"Fei Yu, tell me you are with child now?" I shook my head and gave her a confused look. She sighed and grabbed my shoulder. 

"If you do not give Yi Fan a child by the time you were married last year, they look to replace you. It is a rumor I heard, but I cannot let it be true or false. They will find a way to cast you out and you won't be able to marry anyone. You'll live a life of being shunned. You can't," There were tears in her eyes and the feeling in my stomach was about to keel over. "I can't let that happen to you. You must give yourself to Yi Fan. He is a loving husband and will be an even better father. He has so much love as the youngest child, you'll be happy. You must give him a child." She was now letting tears fall and I was panicked. 

"Ah-Yi, how do you know this is true? They have been nothing but kind to me, even giving me gifts. This can't be tr-" 

"You need to let Jia Er go! If he hasn't talked to you since he must be dead. He cannot stay away from you, you know it to be true."

"Ah-Yi, I-" 

"Give him a child." She squeezed my arms tight before bowing behind me. Yi Fan was there.

"Li Ah-Yi, how are you doing?" It was amazing how my Aunt could act. One moment there were tears, now she was bright-faced. 

"I was just catching up with Fei Yu. It's been a moon since we've talked. She seems so skinny, Yi Fan, are you feeding her here?" Yi Fan laughed and nodded, assuring that I was being fed almost 3 times a day. I was standing there, the emotion of the last minute still inside. My eyes were still wind, and I know Yi Fan could feel me shaking. Ah-Yi said goodbye, and Yi Fan had to almost drag me to our carriage. The feeling in my stomach grew bigger and bigger. I felt like it was consuming me at this point. It had stayed, for this reason, I'm sure of it. My ancestors, I thought they were on my shoulders, but know they were in my soul, warning me this whole time. We had gotten home and I had to run to our backroom, hoping my stomach would last and I wouldn't become sick. I knew why I was sick. I had to betray someone tonight. Someone I had no idea if I was dead or alive. I had to betray Jia Er tonight. Jia Er or my life. It was ironic. 

I came out, taking off my outer layer as the fire was burning now. 

"Yi Fan," He looked up from the countless scrolls that had just been delivered to him. Things about the war, the wedding, the meetings he would need to go to in the next moon. He smiled up at me. 

"Yes, wife?" 

"After the wedding, I had realized... I, I- I realized all the time we lost. All the joy we could have had during the winter. Thinking now, and about how your brother will be having a child soon, I felt that my heart was sad. It was in mourning," My stomach was building and my mouth felt dry, "I thought that I needed to feel happy again before I could bear a child, but now I'm realizing that that hole in my heart needs to be filled by that joy. We, we're missing a family. I want..." He ran up to me holding my face between his hands. His eyes were wide and filled with tears, threatening to fall. This meant so much to him, he had been waiting for so long to hear me say these words, and yet I feel like I want to throw up. I feel as if I am killing my past. Killing Jia Er. 

"I want to have a child with you. Now. I am ready." 

"Are you sure? You are ready, now?" I put my hand over his and nodded. He will be a good father. He is a good husband. We have to find love to help us get over the loss.

"I am sure." 

_________

I woke up, legs sore, two blankets over me. It was Yi Fan's. I must have slept for too long, as he had to start his work. I sat up and realized the pain deep in my stomach. It wasn't the sick feeling, yet that was still lingering. Maybe when I had this child, it would leave. 

My clothes were folded nicely on the end of the bed, and I struggled to put them all on. They were new, picked by Yi Fan himself. Light blue, his favorite color. I found that I could not stand up, how embarrassing. I could not put any form of shoe on or bend over to do so. Is this pain punishment? 

"Yi Fan." He appeared at the door, smiling wider than I have seen before. It was genuine, nothing behind his eyes that told me otherwise. He was purely happy. I smiled back, hoping what I was feeling was not in my eyes. He came over and put my shoes on, helping me up. 

"Who would think, a strong warrior like you, not being able to walk because of a strong nobleman like me." I hit him on the shoulder and he laughed. His laugh was also purely happy. This is what he had been wanting since our marriage night. This is what has made him happy. Yet, it has not made me happy. 

"Here sit, I made you some tea. I'm sorry to not be there when you awoke, but an urgent message came riding in today. Something I still don't understand. He went to get the tea, and I stood holding onto the fireplace. I could not sit without his help or support. 

"What did the message say? Can you tell me?" He nodded. 

"I was going to ask you what it meant. Perhaps you could think of an answer where I could have not." 

"Of course." 

"It was a small scroll with my seal on it. I don't remember anything about sending this either. At first, I thought it wasn't meant for me, but my seal is my seal." My heart sped up and the feeling in my stomach was now to my mouth. My breathing was labored, but I couldn't show Yi Fan. 

"W-Wh-at did.. What did it say?" My mouth was so dry, I could hardly speak. I had betrayed him last night, and now he shows up. This was fates way of punishing me. When I think he is gone, he shows up. Just like Jia Er. 

"I don't know if I should go to my father about this. It might have been a threat, I was so confused by the meaning that I threw it in the fire. It might have even had poison on it." 

"Yi Fan. Wh-What did it -" 

"死" 

The feeling spilled over and I thought that I would have come out of my body. It took everything my body had. Every ounce of feeling, of consciousness. It threw me into a world of darkness. 

"Fei Yu!"