I knew where I was when I woke up the next day. I just laid there, looking up at the grey ceiling, recalling what had just happened to me. When I finally got up and walked out, Kris was there, making tomato and egg. He looked like he just got out of bed, his hair not waxed perfectly, sweats and a white t-shirt. He looked at me and I stopped in the doorway of the bedroom. I couldn't tell what emotion was going through me. I didn't want to eat what Kris was making, even though it was my favorite. I walked over to the window, the same spot we were when everything started. It was funny, then I didn't need protection, now I just put myself in this position, knowing what would happen. I needed protection from myself. He walked over too, keeping a fair distance. He didn't know how close I could handle a male figure. He didn't know what was going through my mind, what I was feeling. The anger and venmous personality he had last night had disappeared. I could see his reflection in the window and blue sky. All worry. 

"How... H-How dare this sky be so... so bright? D-Do-es it not... doesn't it know what just happened?" That's when the tears finally escaped. Everything falling on the wooden floor. Last night my energy had escaped like I wanted to. Now it was back with a vengeance. Kris finally came closer, putting his arms around me. Soon I had my head in his chest, and we were rocking slowly as he cradled my head. 

"Shh, shh, shh. You're safe now. I'm here, Fei." That made me cry harder. I was alone this past month and a half. Jackson was so far away physically, Kris was so far away mentally. I needed someone, and they both were gone. Now I had someone. Someone I wanted to hold me. Someone who I've looked at their name every night, wondering if they were going to call. 

We sat like that for two hours. The sun got high in the sky, probably is Kris' eyes, but he sat there holding me. Just like Jackson did. Whispereing to me it'll be okay. There was a difference between Kris and Jackson. Jackson would crack jokes, try to get you to smile or laugh away the pain. Kris made me feel it all. He didn't make jokes. He just sat there with you, your hair, hugging more when you cried more, giving air when you were crying less. When my crying had stopped and feeling came back into my limbs, I looked up at Kris. He smiled, but was still obervant of my face. I had to look so bad. 

"Do you want to lay down?" I was soft, what I needed right now. 

"I... Did you tell Jackson?" It was crazy that those were my first words to him. Of course it had to have Jackson in it. 

"My priority was you last night, but you didn't text him back. He's called me, but I didn't answer yet." I looked out to the sky again, still leaning on Kris. 

"Can we, can we not tell him?" I hadn't noticed till later but Kris made his voice match mine; match the softness so I wouldn't be shook about the loud. 

"Why?"  

"I don't want... I don't want him to know I f-f-ucked up without him." The tears started to fall again, and he wiped them off with his hand.

"I'll tell him you came out fine, I was there already, we got in an argument, we were both mad and forgot to text him back. I'll say I don't know what happened to you, but I came back angry as hell, so I wasn't in the mood to have a conversation." I nodded. 

"I'll say my phone died." He nodded too, sealing the deal. 

"Do you want to eat now? I made your favorite." I shook my head. However hungry I was, I needed to be held. I needed to be selfish and know I was not alone. I felt so alone in that curtained room. I felt cornered with nowhere to go. I felt hollow, empty, and disgusting. It was selfish, but Kris' arms made me forget about that. The arms of someone you trust. 

"Can we just... sit on the couch together?"

"Of course," He sat me down on the couch, just sitting next to me. I then realized everything I wanted him to do it what Jackson used to do whenever I was extremely sad. Whether is was on the death anniversary or something else to do, it was a routine. Just the last time we were packing and I cried, we had followed these three steps. Kris didn't know any of this. 

"Lay back like that, yeah." My voice was horse and he put a pillow behind himself before I went to lay between his legs, head on his chest. His legs were a lot longer than Jackson's were, being longer than mine when I laid down. He hesitantly put his arms around me and I looked out to the rest of his house. In the corner was Kris' official desk with a monitor and a lot of things on the table. There was a little alcove behind his desk, leading to the balcony that was on that side. The stairs also lead to the upstairs, the rooms all above the kitchen, set up like a giant loft. Even if our houses were in the same neighborhood, his was still twice the size of mine. I had no upstairs, no office space, no dining room unless I made one. 

"How are you so rich?" I let out a low chuckle, having me feel it reverberate in his chest. 

"My mother." I knew the answer, I don't think I wanted an answer. It always marveled me how Kris handled money. He never wore any big name brands to school, he commuted with us as to now show up his car, and he never acted like he knew every heir or heiress that went to our school, even if they all knew who he was. He hung out with us, a full scholarship for being poor and a full scholarship for being smart. You could tell being around him though, his aura, it was just different from your average person. He grew up with confidence. Confidence in where he'd be in 10 years. Confidence in his flow of income. Confidence. I would sometimes ask, why he ever decided to be friends with Jackson and me. Maybe because Jackson knew English and, well, he liked me apparently. He would just say life felt normal with us. We were genuine. 

"I should say thank you... for last night..." He shifted and took out his phone, scrolling down through texts with Jackson till he pulled out a long paragraph.

"Jackson was the reason I was there. You should thank him if you ever can." 

From Jackson: Look, Kris, I know you two aren't on talking terms, but I know you would literally stop everything you were doing to get to save her. She's going on a dinner date with her slimy- chairman to get a job promotion. We all know what's going to happen. She seemed so nonchalant about it, that she was going to be in and out. We both know that's not how this works. She has no way to get out quick and she's going to need to. He knows her phone, her address, everything. If she's in that much trouble, she'll need you. She'll need to stay with you for whatever amount of time. I don't care if she kicks and scream, if that is trying to get her in his car, you're dragging her in yous. I can't be there for her now, it's your job, you know it is. It's fate, okay? I'll send you the address of the restaurant and you go and wait outside. If she seems fine when she comes out, just make up a lie about a date or something, I don't know. It's about her now. 

He took the phone out of my hand before I could read his response. By now, I knew it was yes. 

"He was right. Jackson was right, as soon as I walked into the restaurant I knew he was. I just don't... I don't want to disappoint him. And you know how he'll act. He'll come back, stop everything, make sure I'm okay, threaten a few people like he did during high school. I just, I want to be able to live without him. I want to show him that." 

"He'll find out eventually. Somehow, someway. He found out about that senior and went to beat him up for you. He'll find out about this too." I shook my head.

"He won't need to find out unless something else happens. I won't put myself in a situation like that." He grabbed my hand, running a thumb over my knuckles. I didn't have the strength or want to tell him not to do that, I knew why he was doing this. I'd have to tell him later. 

"I'm here, okay? I know you're not going to live with me, I know you don't know whether or not you can return any feelings for me, but regardless of that, we're best friends. If you won't accept anything I'll give you, just accept the things I do for you. I'll drive you from or to work if you need to. If you need someone to come and get you, anywhere, I'm there. If you feel alone and just want some company, I can bring that white wine you like. I won't push for anything, just let's stop wishing the other person would text back." Kris always knew how to sway you, one way or the other. That was his biggest thing. His soft voice, the trust you have in him; it was easy for anyone to agree to what he had to say. I also, just, didn't want to be alone anymore. 

"Okay... can you drive me and pick me up from work on Monday? Maybe for a while at least?" He nodded. 

"I can do it for however long you want, Fei Yu." I nodded and now felt a bit better. It was time to move to stage three: food. 

"Can I have the tomatoes and eggs?" We both sat up and he went to the kitchen, bringing me a bowl and my phone. 

"I charged it for you. It was amazing I had such an old charging cable. You should call Jackson." I read through the texts first, frowning at their contents. That mixed with almost 30 missed calls from him made me feel worse. 

"I don't want... I feel bad lying to him." 

"Sometimes you have to." Well that wasn't very... comforting. 

From Jackson: When you wake up, text me, please. 

From Jackson: I asked for updates and you give me nothing, Fei Yu. 

From Jackson: I need to know that you're okay! You have to be okay for me. 

From Jackson: If you don't answer me in a day, I'm coming up there. 

From Jackson: I just need to know that you're okay. You're in one piece. 

From Jackson: Fei Yu, I can't sleep like this. Not knowing how you are. 

From Jackson: Be okay for me, please, please, please. 

From Jackson: I can't do this without you here. 

From Jackson: Fei Yu. PLEASE. 

The last text message was around 6 am. It was now almost noon. I had to call him. Kris sat down next to me, putting an arm around me for some type of support. It took one ring before he picked up. 

"Li Fei Yu, I swear to GOD, if you pull anything like that again, I'm not going to wait, I'll fly to Shanghai if I have to I'll...I'll...." He was breathing hard again, like the time I had called him. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. Kris' hand went to my shoulder, massaging slightly. 

"I'm sorry, Jack. I was walking out of the restaurant after dinner and I saw Kris there. He tried to make some dumb excuse that he had a date and then we got into a fight again. I was just so... so mad? I don't know, I was so mad. I had my phone open to text you, I literally did, but it just drained it of battery. When I got home, I was tired, coupled with the fact I wanted to punch Kris in the face. I'm so sorry I forgot to text you, Jack." I put a hand over my mouth, a feeling coming up in my stomach. I was lying to him. I never lied to Jackson. 

"You can't, huh, I'm trying not to yell. I'm trying to understand. Kris told me it was fine, I sent him okay? I just knew that if you needed to get out, your senior wouldn't get there fast enough. I just needed someone I trusted to take care of you. I-" 

"Jackson, it's fine. As soon as I walked out I knew you had done it. It's, you were doing it for my safety okay? Thank you for that." 

"Are you okay, Jyu? I couldn't live with myself if you weren't. Please tell me you're okay," His voice was soft, like Kris', but when Jackson's is soft, you know he's feeling something. He's never soft, only when he needs to be. Only when he's sad or when he's comforting you. But, when he's comforting you, he cracks jokes, makes you laugh. Only when he's hurt on the inside does he also do this. He called me by my nickname. He was hurt, it was getting down to the most intimate part of Jackson. That's what made the tears well up again. If I had any left, they would have spilled over. 

"I'm okay, Ka Yee. I just... I just miss you. Miss the three of us, you know? Last night, my boss just told me he was going to put me in the newsroom to get experience writing then I might get on TV. That's all that happened, nothing too much that crossed the line. Okay?" 

"Was your fight with Kris bad? I feel bad I caused it." 

"It was, but it was a stupid one. It was more me yelling at him. I don't need your protection and all of that, but I was thinking that if that night had gone worse, I would've needed him, and he was there, you know? I might go over today, bring a gift. It's been really lonely here and I just need someone." 

"I'm sorry I can't be there, Jyu. You know if you asked, right now, if you told me to come back, I would." I took a deep breath as my heart started beating faster. I wanted someone, whether that was Kris or Jackson.

You can't tell Jackson you want him back, you need to learn to live. You have Kris, Kris is here. 

"Stay where you are, stupid. I'm fine, really. I'll text you if Kris and I make up, yeah? And, it's almost Mid-Autumn festival, we'll see each other really soon at Ah-Yi's house. You'll have to come back for that anyways. I'll try to bring Kris this time." 

"Yeah, I'd like that. The three of us together again, finally. We need to make up the last hurrah, one with no fighting and just drinking. I haven't had a drink drink in a long time. A company party doesn't count." I laughed, he was back to regular, joking Jackson. 

"Okay, Jack, we'll talk a bit later yeah? Maybe the group can facetime again. Like in the summer."

"Yeah, I've been on a workout roll, so I gotta go do that. Bye bye, Fei." 

"Bye, Jack." I hung up the phone and let out a big sigh, dropping it on Kris' lap next to me. 

"I just lied to him and he just wanted to know I was okay. I feel awful." Kris took the empty bowl to the kitchen. 

"He'll be fine, Fei. It won't happen again, yeah? So you won't have to do anything like that in the future." It still unsettled me to the very end. I never lie to Jackson. 

"I never lie to him, I-" 

"So you lie to me, huh?" I narrowed my eyes at him and he laughed a little bit. We were now also back to normal, regular, snarky Kris. 

"Oh my god, when did I ever say that, huh? Jumping to conclusions." He took out a water bottle from the fridge and leaned on the kitchen island. 

"So, what gift are you going to bring me?" 

"Alright, I guess I lied to you there." He scoffed and I went to the fridge to get my own water. I still didn't feel 100%, not even 50%, but one main problem in my life was getting resolved. I have a friend back again. That was something to be happy about. I took my rightful place, sitting on the marble countertop, Kris next to me. 

"You're going to hate that I say this, but, hey, the truth is out anyways, if this is what it feels like to live with you, I'm moving into your apartment then." I sputtered up a bit of water and looked next to him. I had to mask how uncomfortable that just made me feel. Now that we got this mental block of being annoyed at him out of the way, question 3 answered, there was nothing stalling me from answering the 2 questions. Who do you like? Who likes you? 

"My apartment is too small for all of your things. I think your whole closet would take up my living room." He shrugged. 

"I'll downsize." It felt fine right now with Kris, whatever just happened hours before, I didn't feel any regret for that. I did feel however, I needed to tell him that that wasn't anything about feelings, it was all about me being comforted. Jackson and I had put the understanding up in the air too. We just needed to be comforted and the other person was to be the designated comforter. I guess now that I'm in a better mental state, that whole situation could have just given Kris more fuel to his fire. 

"Kris, I, back there, I just needed to be held. Jackson and I, we-" 

"Think of it like I'm Jackson. There's no question of feelings when he does that to you, so why not do the same for me? You needed to be comforted and held, I was there to do it. I'm not saying I didn't want to even before this moment, but this was different." No, no, it was very different. 

"There isn't a question of feelings because Jackson and I made it clear that there were none there. I know that you-" 

"Are you sure Jackson never liked you? Hell, are you sure he doesn't like you now?" I blinked, then blinked again. 

"What, I-" 

"I'm just being logical, Fei. I was with you since high school. I liked you since then, and you know why I didn't try anything? Because Jackson was there. I had to respect the history you two had." Senior Zhang was right. 

"And now that he's gone, you think it's the right time." He sighed. 

"He's not gone, because even if I keep saying these things, even back there, you were thinking I was Jackson. You were thinking about you and Jackson. Even if he's not beside you, he's there. You're the one who has to figure out what that means to you. I'm not speaking for him now, but in high school and the beginning of college, he liked you, a lot. He would never tell you for one reason or another, but he and I did. Why do you think we argued so much back then? Now, you have two men. One who has expressed their feelings and cares for you and one who cares for you without saying anything about his feelings. You're the one who has to decide." 

"Why wouldn't Jackson say anything? He tells me everything." Kris laughed a bit and pointed to me. 

"Just like you told him about last night?" I glared at him again, getting mad. His words echoed Senior Li's, that's what scared me, but he had more truth. Jackson couldn't like me now, he's been with a few different girls here and there. Kris hasn't, that shows that he liked me, but if he knew Jackson didn't like me, then why didn't he try. That means he knows something I don't. But then, on the other hand, Jackson is constantly reminding me to make up with Kris. It's because he wants me to have someone to protect me, right? Or is it because he knows Kris likes me and he knows that maybe I like Kris, so he's trying to push us together? That means Jackson can't like me. 

So childhood friend either doesn't like you or does and sees that rich man can provide you with a better life than he can, so he's surrendering. Is Jackson surrendering? That isn't like him, why would he do that, I just....? 

"What are you thinking about now, Fei?" He shot his water bottle into the recycling bin a few feet away, making it. 

"You're right, I need to figure it out for myself. Meaning no more talk from your side or Jackson's. Let me do it on my own." 

"Alright then, I can do that." 

"What if it ends up I don't like either of you? That's a possibility." He just laughed as he walked upstairs, taking off his sleep shirt to get changed. Why is that so funny to him? 

_______

"So you two just, made up, like that? Nothing to it? Fei just went to your house, brought some chocolate, you both said sorry, badda bing badda boom friends again?" Kris was apparently doing work because he nodded, not looking at his laptop screen, but at the monitor to his right. I shrugged and Jackson had a confused look on his face. 

"So you're saying, I suffered for what, three-ish months, trying to be a middle man, and I didn't need to? Just get Fei to bring some chocolate? I'm calling bull." I picked a loaf of bread on the high shelf. Jackson seemed to be somewhere shopping too. 

"It came with compromise. Kris doesn't trust my boss, so he's been driving me to and from work. No mention of living with him, no mention of buying anything; I set the rules." 

"Huh, I mean go off Miss. Semi-Independent. Proud of you. Did your aunt say anything about what to bring for Mid-Autumn?" 

"It's 3-weeks away, Jackson, she hasn't even started planning. She's only said that Shu-Shu is happy all of you are coming. He hasn't seen Kris in a while. Like, high school graduation a while." Kris shifted and looked down at some papers. He had barely spoken this whole time and I rolled my eyes. Apparently, the "no more talk rule" heightened when Jackson was around.

"Kris, you should bring some of your mom's mooncakes. Not the packaged ones in the store, like the real ones we had that time." 

"I'll try. It depends if she has a cooking show or not to get ready for. The food channel is having a big like the night before Mid-Autumn "how to make food for the festival" thing." 

"She usually gives each of you a box though. You and all of your brothers."

"Who said I wanted to share my special mooncakes with you?" He smirked at the end and I rolled my eyes, making sure I was on camera so he could see it. The past few weeks had seemed to go back to normal. No advances from my boss, Kris was the same just driving me more places and coming to my apartment some times, and we always had a Saturday facetime with the group. It just happened that today Kris' mom had a brand new restaurant opening and he had to be there, so we had to talk in the afternoon. 

"What chocolate should I get? Kris, you get a say because you always eat half of it." 

"Hey, now. Cholcate is no good for you. Get a healthy snack." 

"Get the truffle ones." I laughed as Kris almost interrupted Jackson. 

"Our resident health nut speaks some truth, but we shall not listen and get the... white chocolate truffles." I picked them off of the middle shelf. There was only one box left; quite popular. 

"Hey, hey, hey! You're going to be impressed come October with the gains I'm making. I didn't have time to sit down and really get into everything in college, but now my jobs are a lot less work than calculus. I'll bring something healthy to Mid-Autumn festival to counteract the mooncakes." I shook my head and Kris did it with me. 

"Don't bother coming." 

"HEY!" This time even Kris laughed and it felt nice. Everything was settling back into place like it used to be. I never thought how much my situation affected my happiness until even my coworkers commented on my bright attitude recently. 

"Fei, what time are you getting here tonight, my sister-in-law in bringing like seven dresses because she's doesn't know how they'll fit. I don't want to take up closet space." 

"As if you don't have enough." 

"Wait, she's going with you tonight? I want pictures, it's like a big deal." 

"It's a restaurant opening, Jackson, I'm sure there will be paparazzi taking pictures. Just look my name up on Weibo tomorrow." Jackson whistled and I looked at the time. Kris' sister found out I was coming and wanted to do everything for me. She was younger than me too by a year, but an heiress, and apparently liked the fact I was friends with Kris. She also didn't like the fact I was just friends with him, but hey, I get to eat some good food later, so who am I to deny her that opportunity. She was stuck in a house with Kris' older brother all day. If I was her I would've set either me or the house on fire by now. 

"I remember the one time I went to one and got my 5 minutes of fame from your rich girl fan club." I put my items on the conveyor belt as the woman scanned them. In our sophomore year of college, Kris' mom had opened a new Mediterranean restaurant, the most expensive one yet, and we all were invited to go. Kris also had an heiress fan club, trying to get their father or mother to set up an arranged marriage. When Jackson showed up, all the pictures on Weibo were about Kris' handsome friend. They were trying to find out who he was and when they saw he was basically a nobody, the uproar stopped. That's when Qing Yi's crush on Jackson started. 

"Qing Yi was devastated when she heard you left. She showed up to my new apartment with a gift bag, thinking you were going to be there too. The gift bag was really nice, but I had to give all the guy stuff the Kris." 

"Aguh, pardon? Kris has things that belong to me?" 

"Your total will be 353 Kuai." 

"It's hair wax that I don't use, so if you want it yes. I'll bring it to Mid-Autumn." 

"Along with the mooncakes?" Kris sighed and looked back to his laptop.

"Yes, along with the mooncakes.