"You look beautiful. The last time I saw you, we both were in rags." I nodded forward, not looking at Yi Fan. The dancers in the center were entertaining, and I just didn't want to have to look at him right now. We were getting married in two days. I had just gotten word that there was an attack on the Imperial Troops, and it could have been Jia Er. His parents were making sure my table manners were acceptable. There was so much pressure when in the presence of others and I had so much stirring inside of me. 

"Thank you, Yi Fan." 

"You haven't eaten much. Do you want me to sneak some snacks in your room tonight? Something sweet?" Oh, was he trying to worm his way into my heart? 

 "Perhaps that would be kind of you. I was told ladies do not eat much in front of company." He frowned a bit and took a drink. 

"My mother told you that? When we're married you can eat what you want. I put in word to my father not to send any handmaidens like you asked. He agreed. My mother was, again, not too happy, but she's not the woman I need to please anymore." The dancing was done and people were clapping. People who were high society and had more money than seven of my villages combined. They all knew where I came from, that Yi Fan was marrying for love and not for power. That was his older brother's job. He didn't need to meet any standards. I was the one who had to fill in. 

"I cannot cook, how are we to eat?" He shook his head and patted my lap once. 

"Don't worry, I know how to cook. I can teach you. It will be fun." His father stood up next to him, now having to make an ending toast before dessert came out. 

"Everyone, friends, family, comrades. Thank you for coming here and celebrating the love my son and his future wife have found. Soon these two young people next to me will be married and onto their new lives together. You all, by being here, have given their partnership many blessings along with many of those gifts I saw in your carriages. When we gather for my birthday in two moons, may the gods let the same blessings flow!" Everyone laughed and I let out one, just because I knew they were all judging my reaction. I had to be happy, but not too happy. I had to smile, but not too much, people had to know I was also sincere. 

Yi Fan's father went on and on about love and his wedding and how our wedding is the first in the family and thus many blessed. Everything my father would have said... I thought about how this party would be in my village. How more enjoyable it would have been. The whole village would have come together, gathering and sharing supplies. A wedding in the village meant everyone was apart of the family. Not a select few would come to a strickly arranged party, but people from all over could join. The more people, the more blessing on the couple's marraige. The married women would have helped prepare me for the tea ceremony, talking about the beauty the fresh picked flowers the unmarried girls have picked. How the gods of beauty and love must have touched me in my sleep. There would be much more dancing and laughing, the drunk men themselves brightening up the party. I could have eaten what I want, danced around the center of the circle, I could have laughed at every funny thing Jia Er sai... 

No. 

"Fei Yu," Everyone was looking and Yi Fan had his hand trying to help me up. 

"I am sorry, I was just day dreaming about the next few days." People had laughed and some of the women clutched their chests like they were touched. It was all fake. This all was just for show. To show Yi Fan was marrying a beautiful girl. To show the charity of the Wu family. There was nothing as sincere as a village wedding. It was real love. Love of a village. You were the village's child. Here, I am no one's child. My village was gone. 

We had bowed to everyone who came, showing them our sign of respect and they had given us each words of blessing. Soon, they all started to go back in their designated rooms at the Wu compound. They would be here for one more night. I would also be here for one more night. 

Yi Fan's mom and our handmaidens followed us back to my room, always the back of the house. She went on and on about how well I did at the celebration. I looked like and acted like I fit right in. She saw promise in me as a noblelady. I thanked her and went into my room, bidding her goodnight. She had to remind me that my new life started tomorrow. No, my new life started when my village was attacked. Li Yang helped me out of my dress and started taking down my hair. I had told her may times that I could do this all myself, but I had realized that if she didn't do it she would be punished. I was fond of Li Yang, and didn't know what would become of her once I left. 

"Are you excited for the ceremony to start tomorrow? I've seen the flowers they brought from the North, they're beautiful." 

"Li Yang, did you come from a village like I did?" She nodded and I looked at her in the mirror. 

"Yes, I did. In the South. I came to the capital to earn money for my family as I'm the only child." 

"You're like me, except I'm from the North. I was the only child as well. Have you gone to many weddings in your village?" 

"Yes,"

"Then you should know why I'm not fond of the way I'm getting married here."

"If you would like, I can't pick flowers for you before I come in the morning. To have something from the village." I smiled at her and shook my head. 

"Can you do it on the day of the big ceremony? I'll request flowers in my hair and you and the other girls can go pick some, yes?" She jumped a bit, excited at the opportunity. It was something I also loved doing for all the girls in our village getting married. All my friends. 

Another head poked in the door, "Li Yang, you must come with me now." It was the women who usually walk around at night, checking on the lower handmaids. 

"I'll go tell the girls now," she whispered before exiting. I picked up the brush and started to on my bottom of my hair. I wonder why Li Yang had to go quickly. Maybe something was wrong within the handmaids. I would ask tomorrow. 

"Is she gone?" I jumped almost out of my seat and turned to see Yi Fan in his sleeping clothes, closing the door behind him. I quickly rushed to the two windows in my room and shut them. He laughed at me and held up the basket that held the sweets he promised. 

"What are you doing?" I whispered harsley, "You aren't supposed to be in here, Yi Fan." He smiled again. 

"I'm the youngest son, I can do what I see fit. Given my future wife sweets before our wedding is one of them." I tightened my sleeping gown and sat at my vanity again. 

"I need to braid my hair before bed." He walked over to the vanity and set down the basket. It had treats from the North in it. The way to my heart, he was at is again. 

"Here in the capital, it is custom for the husband to give a present to his future wife the day before the wedding. I had the handmaids from the North make these all day, just for you. They said they would know what you liked." They were right, and I so wanted to grab the yellow square of honey and eat it. I had to braid my hair. 

"I came here to see you, but also to ask you a few questions. Tonight, you seemed to far away. Only to be happy when the others expected it from you. Is it truly in your training from my mother, or are you thinking about something else? Maybe even... someone else?" I took a deep breath and tied the ribbon at the end of my braid. 

"I don't know what you are talking about." He grabbed my hand and put the other on my cheek, making me look at him. 

"Fei Yu, I know something is wrong. Talk to me like we used to. You don't have to hide yourself in front of me, I've seen you at every angle. I am fond of every angle." I looked down again at my hands, one of which he was holding. If I was to live happy like my Aunt said, I was going to have to accept more love to put over the loss. Yi Fan was right, we were different now, but it didn't have to be. 

"I don't... I don't have a clear view on what is wrong. I just feel... lost?" He nodded and sat down on Li Yang's chair, still holding my hand. Now both of his hands were playing with it softly. 

"You can be honest with me. I know this situation cannot be changed and that might be troubling to you, but I can change. If I am not what you want, I can change myself to be. For you." That softened me more, it did. 

"Jia Er-"

"I know. He came, I saw him come out. What did he say to you? Only if you are able to say." Yi Fan was so soft, so nice. He always is. When he is mad, he never yells, he never is like other young men I see. He is too nice. 

"I am not saying I am unhappy with us. I thank you for saving me and wanting me enough for that, but these few days have made me look to my past. To everything that could have been, and it makes my heart mourn for my village. For my people. These are not my people, and they will never be. Jia Er said that and I agree. At my village, when a wedding happens, everyone joins. The village is giving away the bride and blessing the marriage with thousands and thousands of blessings. Here, it is only your parent's friends and it seems they are the ones giving you up. I am the outsider taking something too precious. During the tea ceremony, I must bow only to people I don't know and only to your people. Mine are all passed. Tonight, looking at this celebration in front of me, it was striking how different and unwanted it was to me. I wanted my village all gathered outdoors dancing and cheering as I danced with them, and I'm sorry, I could not help it, but I was imaging it all with Jia Er by my side." The tears got too much, and I couldn't see. I let out a sob, trying to hide my emotions was too hard. I had been hiding them since Jia Er came to my Aunt's compound. 

Yi Fan held me this time, my head going near is chest. I must have broken his heart with my words. I knew his feelings for me, and I was trying all this time to return them, but I think I cannot. Not in the full sense which he has. 

"Fei Yu, I understand your feelings. You have been ripped out of your world and thrown into mine so soon. You did not get to mourn your village or your parents. I know it will take time, maybe even forever, for you to return any feeling to me. Having you at my side, laughing, fighting, strong; like you were in the forests and mountains we had to run through. That is the Fei Yu I have fallen for and still and here with. I will wait for you, even if that means through rebirth." 

I will go to war for you, Fei Yu.  He left Fei Yu. He left your village, he left you back at your Aunt's. He will leave you again and again for the wars that befall the kingdom. He cannot stay and wait for you like Yi Fan can. You were the one waiting for him. Let him go. Let him go. 

"How do wills of marriage happen in your village? How do I ask for you?" I used my new fabric to wiped my face again, taking a deep breath. 

"First, you would go to my father. Tell him why you are fit to be my husband. If he agrees, you would come to me alone. Usually give something you have made or something with meaning. Then you would ask me. If I was willing and ready." 

"It's very interesting. Here, there is no freedom of choice like I have gotten. My older brother will marry someone in two years that my parents have picked for him. Therefore," He picked out the yellow honey candy I had been eyeing, getting on both of his knees in front of me. No, no, no. This was too much, "Li Fei Yu, I cannot ask your father, but I can ask you. It's not something I made, but it's something I prepared for you, The only thing that is right is I asking you." 

"I have this for you, Fei." He handed me a stone, beautiful and polished, "It is from the river near here. I searched moons for the perfect stone, to reflect you in nature. I think this rock comes close." 

"It's beautiful, Jia Er." 

"Not as beautiful as you." My cheeks rose in temperature and I looked up at the leaves blowing in the wind. The sun was shining down, making the stone sparkle. My stomach felt like the twirling leaves. I knew this moment would come, and I knew it was to be Jia Er, but I didn't know this is what pure joy felt like. 

"Thank you, Jia Er. I will keep it forever." He shook his head and laughed, nudging my shoulder. 

"You know what it is for, no need to be so formal, Fei. Uh, you know I'm not very good with words, I am a farmer's son and a soldier, not a Confusious Scholar." I laughed again, turning to him and grabbing his hand. He proceeded to grab both, closing the stone in my palm, "but I know what I feel, and I know what we were promised before. It is the worst time to do this, to ask you as soon as I am leaving, but if you'll wait for me to return, I want to ask for you to be my bride. After this cold season, we can be together forever, no more waiting."

"Will you be my bride, Fei Yu?" I could feel the stone radiating through the bag on my vanity. It was as if Jia Er was here, telling me not to. If I couldn't say yes to him, why should I give Yi Fan a chance. I won't have to wait for Yi Fan. I had given a promise to Jia Er that when he returned, I would give my answer. He returned, but not at the right time. It had not been one but three cold seasons. Now, there was no place to return to. I wouldn't have to wait for Yi Fan. 

I wonder if he thought my tears were for this moment or for my family or my village. My tears were for the past, the life I was now losing. The life I couldn't get back. Yi Fan's mother was right, today is the start of my new life. 

Goodbye Jia Er. 

"Yes." 

_____

We were married on the second day in front of his ancestors. We went to their shrine, giving our thanks and blessings of good marriage and children. I still felt in the pit of my stomach a horrible rumbling. Something was coming. Whether is was me finally releasing or something actually to come, I had not known. I just know that as soon as we walked out and away from his ancestors, I felt that mine were on my shoulders. I could barely breathe in front of everyone that mid-morning. It was good that I had to sit still the whole time and just listen to people's drunken blessings and words of wisdom. I could act so much, but as soon as I was to be on our way to our new home, it would all crash. I could not act in front of Yi Fan anymore. Not after he bore his heart open to me. Not after I said yes to him. Is it bad to say, the stone was with me during all the ceremony. As we got onto our horse, gifts strapped tight inside another carriage pulled by workers, Yi Fan's mother kissed us both and other's wished us well. A few of Yi Fan's father's men would be riding around us, making sure our short ride nearby was safe. Our new house was to be on Yi Fan's family land, but far enough away to claim as our own to the King. Yi Fan said he had set it up to be quaint and small, nothing too big. Small to Yi Fan was my whole village. 

"How do you feel?" I was learning on Yi Fan, my eyes fluttering in the sun. 

"I feel like my soul is tired. I do not know how to explain it. I could not sleep, but I also could sleep for days on end." He laughed and held up the horse as the men carrying out things went in front of us, gaining some distance. Yi Fan wanted to talk. 

"Tonight," a topic his father kept on mentioning at the dinner: children, "Nothing needs to be done tonight but sleep. I can even sleep in another room, no one will be in our house to notice. There's no need to worry." I was not ready for that yet, I had told Yi Fan. It seemed to me it would be years before I would be able to have children. His children.

"You don't need to sleep in a different bed, but yes, we will sleep. Just sleep. I am sorry." He shook his head and urged the horse forward. 

"No need, I told you I would wait. You have already agreed to be mine and just being with you makes me full. Being able to sleep next to you will make me the happiest new husband." 

"Yi Fan?" 

"Yes?" 

"Does your father have men in the North? With the Emperor's army?" I don't know what spurred me to ask the question. Perhaps it was closure. 

"These men in front of us, they will go soon. My father is one of the last nobleman to offer assistance against the Mongols. Why do you ask?" 

"It seems that every fighting man in the capital is leaving to fight in the war. I am afraid they will come to households and ask as well, like they do in the villages." He laughed, and didn't understand how much his answer had hurt me. His answer was what took away my brother. 

"They don't ask noble people to fight, Fei Yu. Only the ones who don't pay the Emporer as he sees fit must go. So it isn't such a loss of money if one dies."