Jiwon’s POV

Why? 

You’re the one who’s at fault. 

Why are you making that kind of face? 

Why do you look like your world’s about to fall apart? 

Why? 

Why are you looking at me like I’m the one who has done wrong? 

Why do you look like you regretted everything you’ve done?

….Why now?

Arghh my head hurts. I fell asleep again. That ing dream again. I can’t get his face out of my mind, that look. That look he gave me, I don’t know why it made me regret ending things with him. It looked like he was devastated, but why? Isn’t that what he wanted? For me to finally let go of him? All this thinking just makes my head hurt more.

Standing up and making my way to get another beer at the fridge, bottles of beers scattered all around. Cigarette butts here and there, our house became a mess. ‘Our’ is it still our house? Hanbin hadn’t come home ever since. Is it really over between us? Did he ever love me? Come to think of it I’ve always been the one to make an effort for this relationship to last. Was it all one sided all along? Then why did he marry me? All this ing questions in my head knowing I won’t ever get the answer to all of them or if I ever wanted to hear it just makes my headache worsen.

Drowning all my sorrows to drinking everyday is what my life right now. I don’t even have the strength to live, the moment I walked out of that hospital my life force got left behind with it. My world revolved around Hanbin, was it for the best? Only 1 week has passed but I ing miss him so much that it hurts. No calls. No messages. How much longer must I suffer because of you Hanbin?

I couldn’t take the sorrow I’m feeling and drowned myself with beer until I fell asleep again.

I woke up hearing something noisy, opening my eyes and finding I’m in the bedroom. Hearing the sounds again made me get up and walk towards it, thinking it might be Hanbin. Thinking Hanbin came back to him.

Rounding down the corner to the kitchen seeing a glimpse of a silhouette. Coming closer, seeing the image clearly making me halt at the entrance. It’s not him. Feeling my energy deflate I leaned on the wall and slowly lost my balance. It’s not him, how could I ever hope it was him. It’s obvious he was not coming back, why am I still hoping?

Feeling my stomach hurling up, I rushed to the bathroom and made it to the bowl before puking my guts out. Not a little later, Junhoe came running down to my side. I felt his hands on my back, soothing me. After a few minutes, finally I'm done puking my stomach out. I tried standing up but my limbs were all tired from puking. Junhoe helped me till I got seated, I looked at him and there's that look again. I ing hate that look.

“ing stop looking at me like I’m dying.” I didn't want anyone pitying me. I chose this didn't I? I deserve this. Then why does everybody feel sorry for me? It's none of their ing business. They were not the ones who got hurt. “Jiwon we need to talk.” 

Hearing that I knew what it's about already. Am I ready to hear this? Am I ready to make a decision? “Yeah yeah get me a water first. Cold water.” he stood up and complied. More like I was delaying the confrontation. But he was already here, in front of me. “I need to talk to you about something.” I grabbed my water and drank it in one go and after ushered him to continue.

"I know it's just already been a week and I know I'm a bad friend for even asking you about this seeing your state but I need answers and I need confirmations right now. You know how impatient I can be, and I'm kinda in a hurry before something or someone disappears from my grasp."

"Cut the bull Junhoe and just tell me." what I hate the most is dilly dallying everything when you can just say it straight to the point. This is making my head hurt more. “Okay chill, sheesh.” Patience Jiwon, you don’t wanna punch the hell out of your best friend right? But I want to so badly. “It’s about Jinhwan. You know him right?” I knew it, it was about him. Did he come to tell me that Hanbin and that guy are together now? Is that why Hanbin hadn’t come home once? Is that why he hadn’t contacted me once? Because he has a new home now? He has a new man? Is he in love with him? What about me?

“His best friend told me he ended with Hanbin last week the day after he was discharged. I don’t know if you’ll believe it, I felt like I just needed to tell you not because I favor Hanbin it’s because I don’t wanna see you lose hope. Just give yourselves some time away from each other, if it’s not meant to be then you have to let go. Live your life the way you want to Jiwon don’t be held up just because of one guy.”

I can’t help but let my tears fall on my eyes. He didn’t get together with him. Am I glad? What Junhoe said is true. Hanbin has been my world all these years, I’ve been too held up by him to the point I don’t know what being free means. Can I do it? Maybe it’s time for me to find myself again.