It had been almost a week. I have succeeded in not giving in. But the phone calls have not ceased. It had been almost a hundred calls. I might be exaggerating, but the numbers were near. The calls never seem to miss a day. And I had to listen to my ringtone at least 10 times a day. It was still Jeonghan’s name that showed on the screen. I couldn’t hide my disappointment.

It was maybe the 110th time when I finally picked up the phone. Something tugged in my heart. Somehow, I knew I should answer the phone. The scary thing was, something told me that I should have answered it sooner.

“Thank god you finally pick up!” Jeonghan’s frantic voice rang in my ears. I didn’t even have the time to say anything before he continued like a bullet train.

“I’ve been trying to reach you for days!” he said, “I don’t know how to tell you this, Wonwoo. But you gotta come. Right now! The doctor says it might be time. Wonwoo…?”

I didn’t wait for him to finish what he wanted to say. There was only one thing I knew at the moment. Mingyu needed me. And I have abandoned him. The pain clutched onto my heart and twisted it in a million ways. I dropped the phone and ran as fast as I could. My tears welled up in my eyes. And I hoped that I wasn’t too late.

I burst into the hospital like a madman. Sweats rolled down the side of my head as I panted heavily. Some of the nurses came forward to help. Somehow, I lost control and yelled at them.

“WHERE IS KIM MINGYU?!”

They all looked stunned for a second before I screamed the second time. One of them went behind the counter and soon gave me the answer I needed to know. There was no time for thanks as I rushed towards my destination. My teary eyes blurred at the sight of everything white. I ran until my legs lost their strength when I finally reached his room.

“Wonwoo…,” Jeonghan met my eyes. But he wasn’t the one I came to see.

I turned to my left and felt the whole world crumbling down on my shoulders. After almost a week, finally there he was, right in front of my eyes. But he wasn’t even looking at me. His eyes were closed as he lay there motionlessly. An oxygen mask was strapped on his face. And he looked so pale. His lips were white, almost like a corpse’s. His cheeks sunken and his hair frail. He looked as if he had lost a few dozen pounds in a matter of days.

I collapsed to my knees by the bed. I reached out to him with my hand and let it hovered above Mingyu’s face. I couldn’t stop my tears as they flowed down both of my cheeks. I squeezed my eyes tight. I regretted everything I’ve done so badly. Why did I even do it in the first place? What was I even thinking? I knew why. But now I understood that it was the wrong choice.

“Mingyu…,” I managed to whisper before choking on my tears. Did I miss my last chance of seeing him? Was I too late? Or rather, have I taken away his last chance of seeing me?

“He had an attack after you left,” a voice came behind me. If Jeonghan hadn’t spoken, I’d forgotten he was there. Anger built inside of me, and I turned to face him.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked accusingly, my anger rising.

“He wouldn’t let me,” Jeonghan said quickly, “He didn’t want me to.”

I knew it. Without needing Jeonghan to explain, I knew what I saw in my dream was somehow real. Mingyu had let me go. He must’ve known why I did what I have done. My heart ached all over again. How could I hurt him like this?

I turned my attention back to Mingyu. Despite our loud voices, he hasn’t woken up. I felt my lips trembling as I caressed his cheek gently. His skin wasn’t as smooth as before, and it felt cold against my fingertips. I bit my lip hard and my tears dropped onto his arm.

“Mingyu…,” I whispered softly.

Like magic, his eyelids slowly fluttered open. I gasped out loud. He slowly focused his gaze on me. His lips curved slightly.

“Hey…you’re here,” he smiled weakly.

“Yes…,” I smiled through my tears.

He looked accusingly at his secretary, who started to stammer out of nervousness.

“I…I’m sorry, Sir,” Jeonghan bit his lip, “It seemed like the right thing to do.”

“It’s all my fault,” I said as I buried my face in Mingyu’s chest and sobbed.

I felt his hand touching my hair and caressing my head. My warm tears drenched his shirt. He kept comforting me until I finally calmed down a little. My head and heart hurt. I didn’t deserve someone like him at all.

“It’s okay,” he managed to whisper. His voice was coarse and without strength. He gasped for air after each word.

I lifted my face and saw him staring at me. His eyes were just as lovely as they were when he first told me he loved me. They were full of love, yet with sadness, happiness, fatigue, all jumbled together. I knew he wouldn’t want to see me like this. I tried to smile for him, to stay strong for him. But my heart hurt too much.

He held my chin and smiled, “It’s okay.”

I knew it wasn’t. I sniffled and decided to try for that smile again. I leaned in until our foreheads touched. We kissed softly on the lips. I could feel him smiling with relief. I came back to him after all. To be honest, I was relieved as well. I hoped that I wasn’t too late, and that God would grant me a little more time.

Mingyu smiled as he closed his eyes and eventually went back to sleep. I kissed his forehead, pressing my lips against him for a long time. He couldn’t go. Not now, when I came back for him.

“I love you,” I whispered, knowing that he couldn’t hear me.

 

 

~ ~ ~

 

 

Mingyu spent most of the time sleeping. I spent most of my time lying on the couch right next to his bed, watching him breathe. The ticking of the clock grew deafening the more I heard it. And when my ears couldn’t take it anymore, I focused my eyes on the monitor, on the green line that bobbed up and down steadily.

There were times when Mingyu had enough strength to stay up and sit up on the bed. And I would make him sip water from the glass.

“You need to get some water into your system,” I told him while pouring a glass of water.

Sometimes, his hands trembled when he clasped them around the glass. I would hold it to his lips.

“Drink,” I said gently, and he obeyed.

Occasionally, he was able to remove the mask and speak. He would smile more often. But those times never last long. He grew tired a little too quickly. Whenever his eyes grow droopy, I knew it was time. I’d adjust his bed and support his body while he lay down. I never forget to kiss him goodnight before letting him sleep.

“If I had my life to live again, I’d find you sooner,” I told Mingyu one day. He was able to stay awake for more than a few hours. I squeezed into his bed and leaned on his shoulder.

“I’m grateful that I even get to meet you at all,” Mingyu replied softly.

I lifted my eyes to face him. He smiled that warm smile that once thawed the ice in my heart. I saw the relief in his eyes. And I could only imagine the fear he must have felt when I left. I intertwined my fingers with his and gave his hand a squeeze.

“I’m so sorry,” I whispered.

I felt Mingyu’s finger caressing my palm continuously, as if soothing me. He drew a heart shape in my palm absentmindedly.

“Don’t be,” he replied calmly.

“Can’t you be mad at me for once?” I asked, guilt building inside of my heart.

“Why should I be?”

It was his way of talking that had always made me felt more and more guilty. I wanted him to be angry with me, to yell at me, to hate me. Because I know I deserve all that for what I did. But instead, he only looked at me in the eyes as he leaned in closer.

“I love you,” he breathed.

I closed my eyes as his lips pressed against mine. My tears streamed down my cheeks. When he broke away, I didn’t dare to open my eyes. I was afraid of what I would see. I felt his finger on my face, wiping the tears away. He held my cheek and I finally opened my eyes.

After all this time, I realized I was still afraid of that look. The love in his eyes, the warmth in his smile, the glint of hope in the tears in the corner of his eyes. I could feel his longing, his fear, and also, his joy.

I knew what the both of us were thinking, or were hoping for. More time, was all we ever wanted. Sometimes, I wondered why and how life could be so cruel.

His smile disappeared when he suddenly started coughing and gasped for air. Instinctively, I cradled his shoulder and rubbed his back.

“You alright?”

Mingyu nodded slightly, “I just need some rest, that’s all.”

I nodded as I got off the bed. I started making his bed and pulled the blankets over his shoulders as he lay down.

“You’ve been awake for more than 5 hours today,” I said, looking at the clock.

“Yeah, it’s the longest I’ve ever been,” he said, laughing softly.

“Now get some rest,” I said gently, putting him to bed like a little child.

I didn’t leave right away. I stayed by his side, watching him as I caressed his face and brushed his hair from his forehead. Instantly, tears welled up in his eyes.

“It’s been such a long time since someone did that to me,” he whispered. I suppressed my tears and smiled weakly.

“Go to sleep,” I got up and kissed his forehead.

Obediently, he closed his eyes. I watched until he started snoring. I let out a soft sigh. I looked at the time before heading back to the couch which had been my bed for the past few weeks. It was late anyway, I sho