For the next hour we continued to chat as we enjoy our entrées. Our hands kept touching and our legs would brush up against each other's, flirting subtly throughout dinner. We capped our dinner with a slice of blueberry cheesecake for dessert and the waitress topped off our wine. Everything seemed to be going beautifully, but I'm feeling nervous all of a sudden. 

"Sakura, is everything alright?" 

I gave her a half smile, feeling anxious about bringing up my feelings. Well, to say I was anxious was a bit of an understatement given what was at stake. So without further a do. Here I go. Again. 

"I've just been thinking about things... about us."

"Should I be worried?"

"What? No, there's nothing to worry about."

"Okay." 

"I have to tell you something." I said and took her hands in mine. I caught a fleeting stiffening of her face with the sudden mood change, then she forces a weak smile. 

"It's okay. You can tell me anything." 

"I feel like something has changed in me." 

I noticed her brows creased and a smidgen of worry on her face but she didn't interrupt. 

"I used to hate phone calls, but I love our late night conversations. I used to hate long messages, but I love reading your texts first thing in the morning. I used to hate going out because I’ve always preferred to sleep or read or play games, but it’s now going home that I hate because I won’t get to see you any longer. I used to hate clinging, but now I hate getting separated from you. It's funny that there are lots of things I used to hate but love doing now because of you." 

"Honestly, I don’t know if I want to spend a lifetime with you but what I’m sure now is that I want to live each day with you. I want to know what you question, what you believe, what you think about when it’s 2AM and you should already be asleep. I want to laugh with you about all the funny stories you have yet to tell, to cry with you when The Notebook plays on TV. I want more strolls in the park and more trips together. I want to know what makes your heart pound, your biggest regret, the darkest secret that you haven’t shared with anyone. I want the privilege of knowing you, the real you.... and I know I am rambling again, so please feel free to stop me anytime." I laughed. 

"I really don't want you to make me cry here, but I also didn't want you to stop." she smiled and looked at me through her misty eyes.  

"Then I won't. I want to do more things with you. You are my now." I squeezed her hand. 

"I am your now? Are you saying you only want me because I'm the one whose here right now? If it was someone else, would you choose them instead?" 

She pulled her hands from mine and crossed her arms over her chest. Her lips went into a a cute, small pout. 

"No, no, no that's not what I mean."

"Then what do you mean Miyawaki Sakura?" 

I wiped the beads of sweat that formed on my forehead. Why is this so much harder than before? Breath Sakura... Breath... you can do this. I cheered on myself. 

"Hear me out okay. I can look back at the past or I could reach ahead and dream for the future. But where I am is right here. I don't live in yesterday. I live in today. You are my now, and as long a you're with me I know that I can face tomorrow."

"What I'm trying to say is, I want to live in the moment, with you, right now." 

She got me so nervous and my mind is all over the place, I don't even know if I'm making any sense, but her pout turned upside down into a smile so I'm guessing she got my confused blabber. 

"May I ask why me?" 

"Just because..." 

"I want to know why." 

"Does it really matter?" 

"It does to me." 

"Because you accepted me as me, wholeheartedly. That meant more to me than you will ever know. You encourage me to be a better, no, to be the best version of myself. You constantly remind me that I am more than enough when you know that I feel inadequate, even when I don’t say a word." 

I paused, choked up from the raw emotion I was feeling.

"I don't think there's enough letters in the English alphabet to construct sentences that could explain the magnitude of passion I have for you so I'll simply say these words praying that they're enough."

I took a deep breath. 

"Irene Bae, I love you." 

"Sakura I..." she started to speak but she paused before starting over. 

I think I forgot to breathe for a moment. I'm on pins and needles waiting to hear what she had to say. 

"I... don't know what to say."

Oh no. Not again.

"I- uhm... It's okay, you don't have to say anything. I don't want to rush you into anything you aren't ready for."

"Sakura I'm sorry. That's not what I..." 

I knew it, it's not what she wanted. "Please don't run out on me. I... I can pretend I never said it if you want me to." 

"Sakura, please dont.." 

"I'm sorry." cutting her off. "I just thought..." 

Then a most embarrassing thing happened. A tear slipped from my eye and left a shameful trail down my cheek.

"Dammit," I hissed to myself, brushing away the tear that betrayed me. 

She reached for my hand but I quickly took it back. I pretended to get my purse and I asked the waiter for our bill. We headed for the exit after paying, both not saying anything. My mortification limit had been reached and silence seemed to be the best short-term course of action.

I can't believe myself. Everything had been going well and I had been so deliriously happy with her that I got ahead of myself. Well no, not ahead of myself. Ahead of her. I was ready. It was her I'm not sure of. 

We've been dating for a while but we never really talked like this and discuss our feelings, well in this case just my feelings. Especially out in public and not to such elaborate length. I spilled my heart out to her and now I really blew it. It was too soon. I should have stick to our casual dating. We had been "carrying on" for quite some time just fine. I just want to be happy. Will I ever truly be? 

"So uhm. It's been an interesting evening. Call me? You know if you still want to..." I was surprised to find some sort of dignity in me. Wasn't sure I had any left, but I was relieved nonetheless to have found what's left of it. 

"But I thought we're gonna hang out at my place after?" she looked at me with a disappointed expression. "Also, there's some place I would to take you." 

"Are you sure you still want to though?" 

"Of course. I have been waiting for this all week." she grabbed my hand and walked towards the parking lot. "Give me your keys." 

"Where are we going?" I asked as I hand her the keys to my car.