No words were said between the past lovers. Sua was waiting for a reply as well as Siyeon but she was more composed. Yoohyeon kept looking back and forth from Sua and Jiu not knowing what was going to happen. Jiu just kept staring at Sua looking at her overall appearance repeatedly hoping that it was all a joke. That Sua would just say surprise it was all a prank, but nothing was coming out of other than the question on what she was there for.

What was she going to say to her? She ran so many scenarios when they were apart if she ever saw her again. Most of them were revenge for breaking her heart but seeing her there she couldn’t even muster the courage to even slap her.

Her eyes landed on Sua’s hands and how her left hand was in Siyeon’s right one. Something about that gesture bugged her even though they were no longer together. Whenever Sua did something it would always have a reason behind it. So, this small thing invaded her thoughts.

“Your left hand is occupied,” Jiu stated out as she completely ignored Sua’s question. Sua lifted her head from Siyeon’s shoulder with a confused expression on her face until it changed to a ‘really that’s what you are going to ask’ look.

“Well, someone’s got to be my stability in my… condition.” Sua retorted as she huffed pretending that her nerves weren’t going haywire just by talking to her again. She didn't want to stutter or be nervous in front of her. She wanted to look strong and composed that way her decision wasn’t in vain.

Jiu frowned at Sua’s response as they both knew that she didn’t believe in it. Sua only sighed as it was expected from Jiu to know her well but not enough to weed out her lies all those months ago.

“Relax I just needed some reassurance that I have someone by my side before lights out and not you know be left in this mall until closing time. You wouldn’t believe how selfish people are these days,” Sua lightly joked as Siyeon’s hold tightened around her hand. Sua put her right hand on top of Siyeon’s to silently tell her that everything will be okay.

“So, to make sure that someone is beside you is to hold hands,” Jiu slowly stated as Sua only shook her head.

“The hand holding is just an added bonus to me and Siyeon’s date,” Sua said without hesitation. “So, the real question you are asking is why I’m not holding anyone’s hand with my right one is because I won’t let anyone else hold my right hand unless it’s you.” She answered Jiu’s hidden question even if they weren’t together her right hand would only be for her just like her heart. “Don’t get jealous over something as small as this when we are no longer meant to be.” Sua lectured as she knew Jiu was having mixed feelings about her holding hands but what was she supposed to do. She needed her to move on and not get caught up in the past like she was currently doing. Nothing good would come out of remembering what their lives used to be like.

She needed Siyeon beside her now more than anything. Somehow after everything Sua had put her through she always was beside her. She had a feeling that the support Siyeon gave her goes beyond what friends do. Especially with the way where she was so excited from going out during Christmas.

“Love,” Sua said weakly as she shivered from the cold even though they were in a crowded mall. “Is there anything else you would like to know?” She continued as she tried to maintain eye contact but found herself becoming sleepy.

“Was your decision worth it?” Jiu asked as she began walking forward with Yoohyeon behind her. Sua thought about what she was talking about but started smiling knowing what her answer was going to be.

“Are you over me yet?” Jiu and Yoohyeon looked at Sua stunned at her answer. Jiu only scoffed and played it strong.

“Of course, I am. It’s not the first time someone broke my heart. I learned from my first one, so your betrayal was a breeze.” Jiu answered and she saw Sua smile in relief. She didn’t understand why she would be smiling at her harsh words.

“That’s good then because when I leave you it won’t hurt as much. So yes… my decision is worth it.” Sua answered Jiu’s question even though the words Jiu spat stung she knew that in the end betraying her would make her less emotional when she dies.

“You think that putting me through so much pain was worth it? Have you gone completely mad?” Jiu felt anger rise within her as Sua didn’t look regretful of her actions at all. “You cheated on me just because you couldn’t tell me the truth?” Jiu spat out as she regretted even listening to Yoohyeon’s insistent pleas to see Sua. She told her that once she sees Sua everything will turn out alright.

“I didn’t cheat on you.” Sua confessed knowing that the truth won’t matter at this point. All her efforts have been answered. “I just asked one of my classmates to help me out with the photos as well as having the rumors spread out. It only had to reach your ears to make everything work out. What was the best way to ensure your happiness? It was to erase me out of the equation.” Sua explained as she knew for sure that her death would ensure Jiu’s unhappiness for a lifetime.

“You promised me that you wouldn’t cheat on me or leave me. You were the one who made me open my heart. You made all these promises just to throw it onto my face with the one thing that made me scared to get into a relationship again. Did you know you were going to die when you began pursuing me? Was I a game to you? To conquer and ditch like a piece of trash.” Jiu poured most of her worries as she wanted to pace but she didn’t want to give Sua the satisfaction that she still got under her skin.

“I think we shouldn’t be discussing this out here in a very public place,” Siyeon interrupted as she looked at the outsiders just looking over to see what the who confessed was about.

“Shall we get going then?” Sua didn’t really question as she struggled to get up. Siyeon immediately helped her as she felt how much weight Sua was putting onto her. She walked her slowly towards the taxi with Jiu and Yoohyeon behind then. “Where to?” Sua asked Siyeon as she didn’t have a place in mind.

“Your place?” Siyeon suggested but Sua shook her head.

“I cut the lease to my apartment before I went to the hospital.” Sua answered as she didn’t need to explain anything. Siyeon got the message loud and clear but she had to ask the next question.

“Your belongings?” Sua ignored all the eyes that were on her.

“Sold to charity and the ones that I truly like are housed in a warehouse to be taken care of later with the will and all.” Sua nonchalantly answered as if she didn’t care who was listening.

“We will go to XX street.” Siyeon told the cab driver as she didn’t want to rack up too much cab fare. So, the car started moving and no one made a sound knowing that if they argue in the cab it won’t stop even if they were at their destination.

“We are here,” The cab driver stated making everyone else get out and towards Siyeon’s apartment.

Once they entered the apartment, they were seated around her table. Jiu was glaring at Sua, unable to believe how she could have decided all of this. She must be lying. Jiu concluded with a little itch knowing that she is kidding herself.

“Where did we leave off again?” Sua asked as her memory seemed to not work in her favor.

“Telling your loved ones why you did it.” Siyeon answered as sadness enveloped her body. Sua nodded as she looked off into the distance how to properly explain. “The promises you made with your love?” Siyeon urged her on as her heart broke knowing that she was slowly losing Sua.

“When I was young, my parents said that they would never abandon me, to love me no matter what happens,” Sua started as it wasn’t what they were asking for. Siyeon knew that Sua had chemo brain from the long radiation sessions but she didn’t think that it would affect her. “They threw me out like I was a dirty rag to the streets once I became a legal adult. I was different and they knew that. They had another child before throwing me away. I am simply… replaceable,” She continued with a monotone as if she was telling a tale that wasn’t about her.

No one interrupted Sua as she told her tale with confusion. Siyeon kept looking at Sua with sad eyes while Jiu was watching Siyeon. Something was cooking inside of her that she didn't know how to describe it. All she knew was that she didn’t like how she was looking at Sua.

Yoohyeon, on the other hand, knew the tale all too well as she recalled how she came to her doorstep with a duffle bag slung on her shoulders. She was smiling but it didn’t reach her eyes. All Sua said was that her family wasn’t quite happy to have a daughter that liked women instead of men. She thought that Sua was strong enough to get past her parent’s disownment. What she didn’t know was that something inside Sua changed and Yoohyeon couldn’t quite figure out what it was until today.

Whatever happened in the exchange of words and action between her parents took root into Sua’s mind then it grew from there. It became her core belief enough to throw away her life at any moment. Her life was worth sacrificing if it meant others happiness. As Sua said her whole being was simply replaceable. Just like how she got Yoohyeon to be by Jiu’s side and not hers. She was exchanged for someone else who was better than her. That realization made Yoohyeon want to cry.

“If the ones who were supposed to love me unconditionally threw me away so easily then what about the girl who'll say she loves me.” Sua said as it was something that kept her awake at night. “Would my desire to be loved be consumed by her and reciprocated? Would she treat me kindly and have those quiet days being in the comfort of each other’s presence? Would she stay by my side if she found someone better?” Sua ran those questions which any normal person would wonder as well. The insecurities fueled her core belief enough to disregard herself as important.

“When I met Jiu, I found her fascinating and intoxicating. Consumed by the love I had for her I gave her my all. She gave it back after countless amounts of trying to win her heart and when I got it, I didn’t want to let it go. Call me selfish but I wanted to trap her in a prison and have no one to steal her away. When we were dating, I always felt scared that I might lose the happiness I had finally obtained, and I was right. I have cancer and somehow I could see it,” Sua paused as her mind wandered back to what Jiu might do when she did pass on.

“Jiu would be sitting by my bed with puffy red eyes. She would be holding my hand praying for a miracle that won’t happen but still cling to it. She would become depressed about my state of being as the doctors say I have no more time. She would force a smile whenever she would visit me and talk about how her day went and avoid talking about my health. When I pass on, she would go to my grave everyday and cry. She would bring me flowers and possibly ask me how to make her favorite coffee. She would stay there until closing just to be with me. At some point, I fear she might hallucinate into thinking I’m alive. So, if I had told you the truth, love, then you’ll be in so much pain that it’ll be unbearable. You would put your life on hold for far too long and I couldn’t have that. So, I made you hate me so when I do die, you either won’t know about it or laugh it off and dance on my grave. It wasn’t an easy decision, trust me but it was one that ensured your happiness.” Sua concluded as she never did look at anyone in the face. She felt her eyes droop telling her that she was sleepy. “Siyeon,” Sua tiredly said and that’s all it took to notify her.

“I got you,” Siyeon said as she stood up to bring Sua to sleep. Siyeon knew that Sua didn’t have the energy to move so she carried her princess style towards her bedroom.

Once she tucked the sleepy Sua in she could hear her laboured breaths. She gritted her teeth and squeezed one of her hands.

“You’re not replaceable to me, Suashi,” Siyeon softly confessed as she wished she knew Sua in her younger years so she wouldn’t deal with these insecurities alone. “Your memory will be alive in my mind and heart.” Siyeon let go of her hand and started walking towards the two people who claimed to have known her.

They were the ones who stayed by her side. They were supposed to understand her. They were the ones that Sua cared about the most and yet… they did not return that feeling when she needed them most. Siyeon angrily ranted in her brain. She was furious for Sua but what right did she have as all the gears have been set in stone. No amounts of yelling will do justice for Sua other than to respect her wishes.

Siyeon sat down at the table with a frown on her face because she will not crumble in front of Sua’s loved ones.

“You got your answers you came for. Suashi has made her bed and she is sleeping in it. Don’t cause her any more trouble,” Siyeon warned as she will protect Sua from any harm no matter who it is.

“We don’t have all the answers though,” Yoohyeon claimed as she was wondering about Sua’s health the entire time. “She said that she has cancer so did she take any treatments, or did she just let herself die.” Yoohyeon asked as she couldn’t quite understand the entire thing.

“Suashi was taken in for chemotherapy then we had to go through radiation to try and shrink the tumors.” Siyeon answered as everything was out in the open might as well add more. It’s not going to change anything. “She was fighting and progressing but… her body rejected it. We had clinical trials that were well suited for her condition, but she rejected it. She… had no will to live anymore and she is simply going along with nature at this point.” Siyeon continued as she swallowed thickly at the memory of Sua looking out the window as if she was waiting for death to come take her at any moment.

“I can change her mind,” Jiu whispered but it was loud enough for Siyeon and Yoohyeon to hear.

“Even if you did, it’s too late the clinical trials are closed in recruiting. Suashi has signed the discharge papers and the forms to leave the hospital against medical advice. Her immune system is shot, and she is too weak to do any surgery.” Siyeon looked over to the door that contained Sua behind it.

“What does that mean?” Jiu had to ask, and her hand reached for Yoohyeon for support.

“It basically means Suashi has no chance of surviving her cancer. She is going to die soon and there is nothing that science can stop it” Siyeon simplified her words and dropped the news to them. I told you Suashi that I’m no good at comforting people. Siyeon thought as the while room was filled with sadness, despair and helplessness.