Siyeon eyes the tea that were slowly losing its heat as she heard the rhythmic sounds of the machine constantly beating. She looked up at Sua who was still asleep and has been for a week now. New Years has passed and still signs of her waking up was zero. Siyeon hoped that Sua wouldn’t let her diminished hope lose strength to live on. She hoped to see Sua’s eyes once more and her voice even if it was devoid of emotion.

“Y-your tea is getting cold,” Siyeon tried to make some conversation with more hope that she might wake up. “I missed you on New years. You weren’t… available that day so I spent it all alone.” Siyeon trailed off as she knew the exact reason why. “Next time we celebrate a holiday I’m sticking to your idea okay?” Siyeon suggested as her chest tightened knowing that Sua’s body was so worn out from the chemo that she could die at any moment. “You s-should h-hurry up,” Siyeon began tearing up as she couldn’t bear try this delusional mindset. She had seen death too many times in patients but… she didn’t want Sua to be another one.

“Siyeon,” Siyeon whipped her head towards the voice and to her disappointment it was Handong. “You can’t keep torturing yourself over this,” Handong tried diverting Siyeon’s self-pity party. “There was nothing you can do to stop this. You know the risks of being a cancer nurse.” Handong continued but all her words fell upon deaf ears.

“I swore to the medical board an oath to do no harm and yet here I am sitting at her bedside. I harmed her just for selfish reasons.” Siyeon cursed herself as she couldn’t even reach out to hold Sua’s hand.

Sua felt a hand entangle with hers and looked at the culprit only to find a grinning child dance in happiness. She raised an eyebrow but didn’t move her hand at all. She watched as her hand was lifted to the child’s mouth for a kiss.

“You know,” Sua broke the trance and her hand was immediately dropped onto the table. Sua looked up at the now scared child. “Now I know you truly hate my hand huh, love,” Sua teased seeing Jiu’s mortified expression. Jiu looked between Sua and her hand as an inner debate ran through her mind.

“I didn’t mean to,” Jiu excused as Sua only sighed knowing that this was a rare time for Jiu to be selfish.

“It’s okay,” Sua replied as she reached out to Jiu’s hand to comfort her but her flinched away from her touch. A pain went to her heart knowing that she did that to her love. Sua brought her hand back to herself hoping that one day Jiu will be confident in her actions. She smiled knowing that baby steps were in order to make everything right. “I know you didn’t mean to,” Sua whispered but Jiu rushed to pack her things once again to leave. Sua couldn’t reach out as the last time she did its Jiu distanced herself further from her.

…

“You lovesick puppy,” Yoohyeon sat in front of Sua who was playing with her food.

“I’m not a puppy. You, my friend, sadly are.” Sua didn’t have the energy to try and talk. She glimpsed on over to where Jiu usually ate her food, but she wasn’t there.

“Hey!” Yoohyeon responded slightly offended but only saw that Sua was moping around.

“Is it that girl again?” Yoohyeon inquired as she didn’t like how Sua was down in the dumps. “You’ll get over her like you have in your college days.” Sua sighed as she placed her utensil down and pushed the plate away.

“She’s different. I can feel it. It’s like I want to be with her no matter what baggage she has. I just want to be by her side knowing that she’ll be alright, you know?” Sua confessed as none of the others made her feel like this.

“Like I said lovesick puppy,” Yoohyeon grumbled listening to the cliché lines that she has watched with Sua in too many dramas that one could count.

“I’m not going to be chasing her to prove my love,” Sua replied as she had tried everything to Jiu hoping that she might get some trust, but nothing was returned other then those small glimpses of skin ship and I love yous. “I’ll wait until she returns. No matter how long it is going to be.”

…

“Hey?” Sua gazed up at the person who may have called out to her. She spotted the familiar glasses and hair. She smiled at Jiu even though her heart hurt knowing that Jiu’s greeting was full of uncertainty.

“Hey to you too, love,” Sua returned the greeting as she was getting ready for anything. She looked at Jiu’s expression hoping that she could read it. Maybe just maybe Jiu changed her mind about relationships.

“I miss having my friend around,” Jiu confessed and Sua’s heart dropped knowing that she had been friend zoned again. Sua wondered if her smile faltered in any way because she couldn’t let Jiu know that she was in pain over a small word.

“I miss hanging out with you too,” She responded but she left out the friend part because she couldn’t lie to herself.

“You aren’t mad at me?” Sua watched the insecurity expose itself in Jiu’s eyes and she just wanted to grab Jiu and pull her into a well-deserved hug. To hold her and sooth her eases in her ears and possibly draw scribbles on her back. She wanted to kiss her forehead and her lips to show her that she will always be there for her. But she can’t because that’s not what friends do. Instead Sua swallowed her pain that was aching all over her body.

“Of course not, I wasn’t mad at you to begin with, love,” She watched as Jiu’s features soften into relief which made the pain worse instead of easing. “But I can’t keep doing this,” Sua added which made Jiu stiffen.

“W-what?” Jiu stuttered out and Sua could see so many thoughts run across her face.

“I can’t keep pretending that being your friend is okay. I love you, Jiu,” Sua began explaining as she didn’t want to cause any pain or hurt in Jiu’s life. “I want to hold you, kiss you, go on dates with you, tell the whole world that you are mine every single day, but I can’t. I can’t do all those things because you don’t want them. I can’t move on from you unless you reject me. Just say you don’t feel the same way and I’ll leave.” Sua desperately needed Jiu in her life but if Jiu was only in it to have a friend then she cannot do that anymore. She can’t keep playing the friend when she has hidden intentions. Their friendship will never be the same.

“You’ll leave?” Jiu repeated with confusion and Sua nodded.

“From your life completely until I move on from these feelings.” Sua reassured. “It might take a while, but I’ll have my best friend to check up on you. You’ll really like her, and I can see you guys getting along quite nicely,” Sua noticed Jiu frown.

“I don’t want you to leave,” She whined and Sua could only look at her sadly.

“I don’t want to either, love, but I can’t keep staying by your side knowing that I want more. I will always want you to have your happiness,” Sua stood up, grabbed Jiu’s hand and gave it a light kiss as she let Jiu pull her hand away. She gave her a small smile before walking away.

…

Sua knocked on Yoohyeon’s apartment door. She blew a sigh as she really didn’t want to be alone at the moment. Yoohyeon opened the door with no confusion on her face.

“Come on in, Sua Unnie,” Sua flashed her a smile that was forced. “You can drop the smile. I know you’re pretending,” And so she did.

“Let’s drink!” Sua said as she walked into the kitchen to find the liquor stash Yoohyeon let Sua keep.

“It’s Tuesday though,” Yoohyeon said as an excuse that usually makes Sua rethink her options.

“I don’t care,” Sua deadpanned as she whipped out Vodka to make the entire day go away. “I need to forget.”

“Sua Unnie, alcohol isn’t the answer to everything,” Sua looked at Yoohyeon with pleading eyes. Her heart had been crushed and she swore she wouldn’t let anyone in and yet Jiu came wiggling in then breaking it all over again.

“Please, just for today. I let her in, and she left like they did,” Sua’s voice cracked as the term they were her parents who abandoned her because she came out as a lesbian. Sua’s father’s words were that he was glad he didn’t waste his seed on this ungrateful piece of trash as she was never his to begin with. While her mother just stood at the sidelines and let her father degrade her. Her chest started to hurt badly knowing that they still made her hurt after all this time.

“Sua Unnie,” Sua could hear the pity in Yoohyeon’s voice and she didn’t want address anything with her best friend at all.

“It’s okay, Tree. I’ll get over it just like in our college days, right?” Sua confirmed as she poured herself a glass and was about to drink it. That was until her phone buzzed with a message.

Love (Jiucy)

Can we talk?

6:35p.m.

Aren’t we already?

6:36p.m.

Don’t be like this Sua

6:36p.m.

I’m mending a broken heart

Please don’t make this harder for me

6:37p.m.

Sua

6:38p.m.

Don’t

Just… don’t

6:38p.m.

Sua pocketed her cellphone not wanting to deal with Jiu giving her excuses on why they can’t work out. She held her glass and brought it to her lips knowing that if she crosses this line she can’t go back. Jiu flashed in her mind and she couldn’t even take a drink. She placed it back down and let out a shaky sigh.

“Why do I have to love the most difficult people?” Sua asked the rhetorical question which she herself didn’t know the answer to. Yoohyeon didn’t do anything as Sua walked off to the couch suddenly feeling tired after everything. “I’m sleepy, Tree. Wake me up when it’s morning.”

…

Sua coughed violently as she felt the bed empty. It was one of the times she thanked whoever was up there for not letting Jiu see what she was going through. She covered to cough some more and felt something wet come out. She looked at her hand and sighed in defeat as she’s been seeing the same thing too 1 to many times. Small specks of blood telling her that she’s nearing her end. She grabbed a tissue to wipe the blood away to avoid any surprise visitors.

“Hey, you’re up,” Jiu popped in and Sua balled the tissue in her hand. “You’ve been sleeping a lot lately,” Jiu sat at the edge of the bed with eyes full of concern.

“Yeah…, work has been tiring me out a lot,” Sua replied to reassure her which worked.

“Well, it’s a good thing that you work 5 times a week then you’re mine for the other days,” Jiu cheekily said as she held Sua’s cheek and caressed it with her thumb.

“I’m yours,” Sua whispered as her voice was hoarse. She hated how her voice wasn’t from the morning but from the cancer.

“Did I ever tell you that I love your hoarse voice?” Jiu suddenly said making Sua not hate her condition so much.

“No. No, you haven’t.” Sua gave her a toothy grin before giving Jiu a peck on the lips. “But I don’t mind hearing you say it again,” Sua heard Jiu laugh and she smiled.

“I love your voice but most importantly you, Sua” Jiu confirmed which made the aching pain in her chest not so bad to wake up to.

“And I love you till my dying breath,” Sua responded knowing that all of her words were going to be true.

Siyeon just watched Sua’s chest rise and fall in a rhythmic motion. She heard the door open but was too concerned about Sua to look at the person. Plus, she thought it was a nurse to change her bags however, it wasn’t a nurse nor Handong but a certain irritating puppy.

“You’re still here?” Siyeon’s eyebrow twitched and she dragged her eyes to look at Yoohyeon.

“Of course, I’m going to be here unlike you who judges by covers.” Siyeon sneered as she would defend Sua no matter what she has done.

“Don’t you have work to attend to,” Yoohyeon responded as she crossed her arms while Siyeon sized up to her by standing up and glaring at her in the eyes.

“I’m on leave seeing as I don’t want to ruin someone else’s health when I’m worried about Sua.” Siyeon stepped forward to get closer to Yoohyeon. “She has yet to wake up and she might go back into a coma if your face is the first thing she sees.” Siyeon informed Yoohyeon hoping that she might be able to chase her off this time.

“Maybe she wants to see a familiar face once she is hit with the news that she isn’t going to get better.” Yoohyeon bit back making Siyeon be on guard against her.

“I am a familiar face to her. She trusted me with everything as I am her emergency contact.” Siyeon became ready to argue Yoohyeon all the way for Sua. She didn’t ever want Sua to suffer from her former friend. “Not you.” Siyeon pointed to Yoohyeon. “Not her ex-girlfriend, not her parents or anyone else. Me.” She watched Yoohyeon narrow her eyes at Siyeon. Siyeon felt like she defended Sua from whatever had happened between them. She watched defeat cloud Yoohyeon’s eyes and having her shoulders drop.

“Sua’s dying,” Yoohyeon whispered as Siyeon usually sees these kinds of people. When the reality of the situation finally hits their minds. “She’s dying and she didn’t want anyone close to her to know about it,”

“She didn’t want anyone to suffer when they learned that she had cancer. She told me that she would rather suffer by herself than purposely inflict pain on those she loves,” Siyeon said as she sank into the chair remembering Sua’s words as there was a sad smile accompanying her words. Yoohyeon listened to Siyeon’s words carefully but her mind wasn’t really processing it.

“Does this look any better to you?” Yoohyeon gestured to the comatose Sua who choked, and their heads looked at her. They watched her open her eyes and try to take the tube out.

“I need a doctor here!” Siyeon left the room to call for help. She was happy to know that Sua was waking up. She watched the doctors and nurses flood into her room while she escorted Yoohyeon out.

After an hour or so with tests and questions Sua was finally free. Siyeon entered her room with a smile on her face.

“Suashi, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean for you to end up like this,” Siyeon said as she was at her bedside holding her hand. She felt a small squeeze from her. Nothing can ruin this moment because Sua is here and awake. Siyeon thought to herself as she brought Sua’s hand to her lips and kissed them.

“Sua Unnie…” All I asked was for a moment to not be ruined and yet you do this? Siyeon cursed in her mind.

“Tree,” Sua dryly said as she didn’t use her voice too much over the past week or so. Siyeon raised an eyebrow at Yoohyeon’s nickname. Maybe I’ll ask Suashi about this later. “Why are you here?” Siyeon began hearing the heart monitor begin beeping rapidly as her heart rate was going up. “I-is she here with you? Please, tell me you didn’t bring Jiu here,” Sua panicked and Siyeon reacted first before Yoohyeon. She pulled Sua into a hug and held her waiting for the rapid beeping to stop.

“She’s not here,” Siyeon whispered into Sua’s ear to try and comfort her. She repeated her sentence repeatedly until she knew that Sua was stable. “Yoohyeon is here because she found you that Christmas day.”

“I… was so tired and cold when I left you,” Sua recalled and Siyeon flinched as guilty started invading her mind. Sua gazed at the ceiling instead of anyone in the room. “Did you know I dreamt of Jiu? So many memories flickering like I was changing channels on a tv. There was the good and then there was the bad.” She moved her head to look at Siyeon. “I’m dying, aren’t I?” Siyeon bit her lip before nodding her head. Sua let out a sigh and looked at Yoohyeon. “Jiu doesn’t know right?” Her voice was getting quiet and tired.

“Yeah… I couldn’t tell her. I don’t think she wants to hear anything about you though.” Yoohyeon replied. “I’m still angry at you for all of this,” She pointed out which she got a nod.

“You weren’t supposed to find out about this. I wanted you to always be angry with me,” Sua stated.

“Were you ever going to tell me?” Yoohyeon asked.

“No. I was going to take this to my grave,” Sua told her with determined eyes. “I’m almost there just let me die without Jiu knowing,”

“She deserves to know though,” Yoohyeon argued as she knew that Sua’s decision to keep quiet was dumb. “She loves you, Sua Unnie and loved ones deserve the truth not some lie you made us all believe. If Jiu Unnie knows then she’ll-” She continued.

“Tree,” Sua warned, making Yoohyeon stop talking. “Like I told Siyeon here. I’ve made my bed and I’m going to sleep in it.” Sua and Siyeon watched Yoohyeon shake her head. When Yoohyeon stopped she had tears forming in her eyes.

“I’m sorry, Sua Unnie, but this is the only decision I cannot respect,” Yoohyeon stated as she bolted out the door. Sua knowing where she was going to go sighed heavily.

“So, what have I missed while I was sleeping?” Sua changed the topic while Siyeon went along with it.

“Well, you made me spend New Years all alone,” Siyeon said as she held Sua’s left hand and smiled seeing as Sua didn’t pull away. “Yeah, but seeing you wake up makes up for it,” As Siyeon continued talking as Sua listened as if Yoohyeon never disturbed them in the first place. Though they both know that Sua was only friendly cause she knew her time was up, and her lies had been revealed. Both didn’t address it and began to delay the inevitable encounter that was soon to come.