“Yo, I’m here again,” Siyeon popped her head in the room only to find a skinnier and paler Sua than the last time she checked up on her. Sua was wearing a hat and an oxygen tube around her nose. Siyeon had to swallow the lump in that quickly formed when she saw how progressively fast the chemo was affecting her. She hated how Sua who didn’t deserve such a disease is willing to leave this world without a proper motivation to fight but what she hated the most is the fact that after learning that Sua has someone in her heart she isn’t ready to move on.

“I figured you’d be coming into my room sooner or later,” Sua responded knowing that Siyeon would probably be the only one to visit her on a daily basis now a days. Siyeon smiled as her heart began to hope that Sua might look at her differently. A hope that Sua might be waiting anxiously for Siyeon to come and just be there for her. That she appreciated each and every visit as they get closer even if it’s in small increments.

“Well, someone’s got to make sure that their friend is listening to the doctor’s orders.” Siyeon half teased and the other half was in seriousness. She looked around the room and found that Sua’s food tray has yet again not been touched. What she also noticed this time was that Sua’s arms had so many bruised dots from the numerous times of injection for chemo and the IV. Finally, what hurt her the most was that the garbage can had tissues with sprinkles and blotches of blood on them. Bright Red. Siyeon’s eyes widen at the realization. Sua had just freshly coughed up another set of blood. How much did you lose? Did you call for help when you were possibly about to cough your lungs up? Why do you pretend to stay strong when your face shows deep sadness? Why can’t I ever put a genuine smile on your face? “Are you okay?” Was all Siyeon choked up after her eyes went from the trash can and Sua multiple times.

“Yeah, as okay as a cancer patient can be,” Sua responded with a little light joke however, she didn’t know that her words meant everything to Siyeon. Siyeon sighed and willed herself not to cry all while trying to be a good friend.

“So,” Siyeon inhaled as she really didn’t want to dive into the negative heavy stuff. “You think today is a day you want to share more with me?” Siyeon striked up the conversation as she wanted to dig deeper rather than what she learned on the patient’s file.

“There’s nothing to share,” Sua exhaled as she rested her head on her pillow. She really had nothing to share now that she was confined in the hospital room. She had no motivation, no goal, no aspirations in life, nothing to live for so what else is there to share. Everything she had that once sparked a life in her is gone so all she really had were the habits that she had that developed throughout her life.

“Come on, Suashi, you got to have a tale or two that might I don’t know... something funny or anything that is on the top of your mind?” Siyeon naturally tried to coax Sua into talking once more but all she seems to be doing is pushing her away.

“You keep calling me Suashi,” Sua avoided yet another question that Siyeon had attempted too many times. She knew that Siyeon was trying to be her friend and all, but she couldn’t find it in her to try. “I don’t understand why you gave me a nickname,” Sua continued but she really just wanted to be alone.

“Because, nicknames make a nice story to tell for the future,” Siyeon smiled knowing that Sua was at least interested in her but not in the way she had hoped. But, that little thing ignited a fire in her heart which she tried to calm down and move on. It did not make things easier whenever she would get Sua to smile and stuff. Her heart was always waiting for Sua to do anything to beat once more. All it wanted was to be noticed and Sua having no one to take care of her wasn’t making it any easier. It’ll be a great tale to tell everyone when she gets better. A tale that is not as cliché as others. Siyeon happily thought as she already hoped to have a future with Sua.

“Can you at least tell me how on earth I got the nickname Suashi from?” Sua inquired as she just wanted Siyeon to keep on talking while she can just listen to her. She was only doing that because she didn’t want to recollect the times, she had been with Jiu, but her mind and heart always seems to be getting the better of her.

“You know, its unique,” Siyeon nervously tried to avoid the subject as she was embarrassed to reveal her reasoning why.

“A lot of things are unique, Siyeon,” Sua responded as she remembered the way Jiu would have her coffee. Dark roast, 4 spoons of sugar 2 creams and 7 ice cubes. If that wasn’t unique then it must be the way where she would make herself a cup of ramen. Put in boiled water halfway then cool them by sticking in ice cubes. Or the way Jiu would put her teddy bears along the wall while making them do the handstand. Or the fact that she would crinkle her nose and smile while raising one of her eyebrows whenever she sees something weird on the documentary channel. Or the way she has those soft snores and rubs her nose against her pillow while quickly flinging her arms to cling onto someone or something to cuddle.

“I’d like to think that most things people so are unique to another. That way you appreciate them as time goes by.” Siyeon said as she loved the way Sua would look lost in the world but still manages to listen to her. She was falling in love with how her eyes become soft when she looks at her left hand when eating. Falling for the girl who would interlock her fingers together and smile softly. She loved that she would sleep for a small period of time and demand some sushi with the side of beer. Plus, she overheard Sua use a play on words for her name and Sushi. That’s why her name is Suashi. It’s embarrassing and creepy to know that I listen to her sleep.

Sua hummed in response as her mind replayed all those moments that she appreciated. It was a never-ending cycle of happy memories that made her heart ache more. She was supposed to be focusing on why their relationship didn’t work so said the internet and work through that everything happened and there was nothing she could do to fix it. Except she can fix it, but she doesn’t want to. She can’t go toying with Jiu’s feelings like a fiddle. Jiu doesn’t deserve to be put through so much suffering. So, having Siyeon around helped but also pained her in ways she can’t express. Her presence made her decision to stay clear of Jiu all worth it and for that she is grateful, but she won’t ever tell Siyeon that.

“Well. I don’t know you well enough to give you a nickname,” Sua finally responded and it was the truth. Why would she give Siyeon a nickname when she only knows about possibly 3 things about her? Her name, her age and her job, oh, and the fact that she is very stubborn.

“You can start in getting to know me more if you just… well… I don’t know… talking more to me instead of brushing me aside,” Siyeon responded in a gentle voice that way she wasn’t giving Sua a demand or an order but something to give her an option of choosing.

“I suppose,” Sua gave in and Siyeon thought she had heard wrong or was in a dream.

“Wha… you said… yes?” Siyeon had to confirm what she just heard but Sua shrugged as an answer. Siyeon fist pumped the air and cried. “Yes, she said yes!” She was so overjoyed that she may have people misinterpret what had just transpired in the room. Siyeon left the room to tell her other friend that was working along with her. “Handongie, she said yes,” She said excitedly as she looked like a kid that just entered the amusement park.

“Omo?” Handong said as she looked up from her patient’s chart. “I didn’t know you were taken,” She continued as she recalled Gahyeon telling her that Siyeon was single and apparently not so ready to mingle. Siyeon looked at Handong as if she had grown 2 heads.

“No, silly I’m not taken. Why do you think that I’m in a relationship,” Siyeon furrowed her eyebrows wondering how Handong could ever come to such a weird conclusion. If it’s not with Sua then I don’t want to date anyone.

“You just excitedly said that she said yes in a manner looking like it’s the best day of your life. Which I think she either said yes to a date, to be your girlfriend, or being your wife.” Handong explained as Siyeon rolled her eyes knowing that Handong has been watching too many soap operas.

“No, it was none of those, I just got Kim Sua to be my friend after months of trying,” Siyeon smiled as she told Handong. To say that she was happy was understating her emotions. She felt like her whole world just opened up to possibilities with Sua in it. This small step made her feel like she was on top of the world.

“Ah,” Handong nodded her head as she remembered asking her how she was doing but all she got was the cold shoulder. Sua was one of her complicated patients and she could see it in Sua’s eyes that she doesn’t hope to get better. She couldn’t do anything expect to respect her wishes. She can’t get too emotionally involved even when one of them seems to be affecting her friend to not think so rationally. “It’s good that she is opening up to you,” Handong commented but didn’t want to speak anymore as she remembered getting Sua’s file and trying to hard to get her to have some kind of support system.

“Hello, Kim Sua, I’m Dr. Handong and I’ll be your doctor until you get better,” Handong entered the room and pushed the sanitation bottle to cleanse her hands. She found Sua just looking out the window while fiddling with her fingers.

“Hey Doc,” Sua replied as she was nervous which Handong noted down in her mind. She didn’t know what her patient was nervous for some reason. “What’s the diagnosis?” Sua continued as she let out a heavy sigh. Handong gazed at her then at her chart then back at Sua.

“I have no other way to tell you,” Handong said as she knew that she had to be the harbinger of bad news. “You have lung cancer,” She breathed out as she waited to see what Sua’s reaction would be like. She looked and all she saw was shock then came the pain. She watched Sua bite her lip and clutched her chest as she cried. “We can bring you in for treatment. Is there anyone you want to call before I list off the ways we can treat you or possibly direct you to somewhere else, which is close to here?” Handong said as she seen Sua trying to suppress her cough but failed and ended up with a small trail of blood leaking out of . Handong grabbed a nearby tissue to give to Sua to wipe it off but she seemed too late as Sua had one in her pocket.

“It’s fine. I’ll take the treatment here but…” Sua stopped as she looked at Handong with pleading eyes. She was about to say more about her phone rang. “Is it okay I take this?” Sua glanced at her phone and looked at Handong. Handong nodded her head as she left the room so she could have some privacy with whoever called her. She heard bits and pieces of the conversation, but she could tell that the person on the other end meant a lot.

Sua poked her head out after a while and looked at Handong. “I’m done with my conversation. Sorry, it took a while,” Sua said shyly.

“No no, it’s fine,” Handong responded as she didn’t have any other patients that needed to be seen urgently. “So, have you decided who you want to tell since the treatment does have some side effects that would make you want to have someone there for you.” Sua only shook her head as she gave Handong a sad smile.

“I’d like to take this treatment alone,” She responded as Handong could only pray for the chances for Sua to beat it were to her advantage.

“I see, well, I’ll tell you what you need to do and then let a professional handle your appointments and others,” She concluded as she couldn’t do anything to change Sua’s wishes even if she knows that it’s better to advise someone to be there during her treatment.

“Well, I hope you have a good friendship?” Handong didn’t know how to reply as she never had to say anything when people make friends. It just happens so seeing Siyeon like this for being friends is different to say the least.

“Yes, Handong I will try to have the best friendship with Sua like no one ever has to her.” Siyeon nodded.

Back to Sua, she remembered the time she made friends with Yoohyeon. It was back in junior high school where she was left all alone to fend for herself since her mother went missing and her father wanted to be anywhere but there for Sua. They had just moved to a different part of the city which meant that she had to change schools. She knew no one and she hated the fact that she had to start a new. First day of classes and Yoohyeon bumped into her and just straight out asked her to follow her home since she finally found someone taller than her in junior high. After that was just standard history though at present time Yoohyeon became taller than her by too much but Sua still jokes how she is a bad role model to look up to.

“I thought you would do no one any harm but clearly I was wrong. It’s like you are a different person, Sua, what changed?” Rang in Sua’s ears as she bit her lip, knowing that she had pushed everyone who meant something to her away.

“The fear of making Jiu suffer is what made me change. I can’t take advantage of her kindness. I can’t be that toxic person in her life, so I made the sane choice and walked away in the most painful way as possible. It’s for the best, Tree, that you be by her side,” Sua squeezed her eyes to try and push down the feelings that overwhelmed her. “I can’t be there for her, but you can since you have been by her side as long as I have. You know how she should be treated. You guys will have a happy ending even if it started with a misfortune,” Sua responded to the question she kept quiet months ago.

Siyeon walked in as she saw a tear fall down from Sua’s eye and she quickly rushed over to brush it away. Sua closed her eyes and leaned into Siyeon’s touch thinking that it was Jiu’s.

“Everything was for your sake, love,” Sua whispered and Siyeon’s heart wrenched in pain as she heard the term of endearment that wasn’t meant for her ears. “I did it, so you don’t have to suffer with me,” Sua placed a hand on Siyeon’s but something felt off, so she opened her eyes. She flinched a bit but stayed in place. “You weren’t supposed to learn that part,” Sua stated as Siyeon clenched her jaw as she knew that this friendship was going to take a lot of work.

“You have a person to support you through this,” She ignored Sua’s words as she wanted to hear more about her and the past. She wanted to find the mysterious lover that was making her Sua in pain. “Why couldn’t you tell your lover about this?” Siyeon whined as she couldn’t be angry at a dying person. Sua dropped her hand and placed them on her lap.

“You heard me, Siyeon, I did it so she wouldn’t suffer with me,” Sua replied as she could already see Jiu’s devastated look if she were to say that she has lung cancer.

“It doesn’t matter if they are suffering at least you know that someone cares about you till your dying breath. Suffering shows how much you meant to them not because they like it. Suashi, it’s better to have someone by your side rather than rotting away in this room,” Siyeon explained as she just wanted to hunt the lover down and tell her the truth.

“I have you now as the person who’s beside me, don’t I?” Sua responded and although it maybe true how much time does, she have left.

“You’re right,” Siyeon was internally smiling as she could spend more time with Sua, but she didn’t like how Sua handled things. She wanted to make things right between whoever she seemed to have thought of this weird way of cutting ties. “But, it’s better to die without regrets,” Siyeon continued as she watched her just give her a painful smile.

“I’ve made my bed and I’m sleeping in it. There is nothing I can do to change the bed no matter how much I wish for it what’s done has been done.” Sua responded and my heart couldn’t handle the pain of it anymore.

“Please,” Siyeon’s voice cracked as she was ready to cry. “At least tell me what you have done,” She wanted answers no matter how painful it was. She can handle it but what she didn’t think about was how Sua would feel. All she saw was more tears coming from Sua’s eyes and finally got her answer.

“I brought my best friend and lover together while making them seem like I was cheating on my lover. I made her think that I no longer love her but we both know that’s not true.” Sua responded and Siyeon froze. “My death will cause nothing, but pain and she doesn’t deserve that so might as well have her hate me than go down the road of pain again,” Sua continued as she felt Siyeon remove her hand from her cheek. “It’s my turn to give her the life she deserves. Even if it means that she would be happy without me than so be it,” Sua concluded as she remembered that image of how Yoohyeon and Jiu looked like the real couple instead of her and Jiu.

“Then I guess we are going to make new memories,” Siyeon said as she grasped onto Sua’s hands. “I’ll be with you so much that you won’t even think about the past anymore. I will make you happy with or without those who you left behind,” Siyeon stated as her resolved burned brightly knowing that she would do anything in her power to make Sua hope again. To probably be hers and only hers. Whoever her lover is couldn’t see past the facade. No matter what Sua I’ll make everything right Siyeon thought as she pulled Sua into a tight embrace hoping to give her some form of comfort.