Amber smiled as she laid on the king sized bed in Top's guest room. She took the opportunity to roam her eyes around the room and almost chuckled at his choice of colour.  Almost everything is either red or maroon. The curtains, the blanket, carpet and other room accessories were filled with her favourite colour. Amber frowned as she felt that Top knew red is her favourite and designed the room according to her taste.

 

 

 

  

 

 'I hope he didn't purposely prepare and decorate this room for me. I know his favourite colour is pink. Maybe it's just a coincidence that everything is red. But still...there is no trace of pink except red,' Amber thought deeply when a soft knocked was heard at her door.

 

 

 

 

"Amber ah, can I come in?" Top voice halted her thoughts. With curiosity, Amber called him in and smiled a little as Top made his way to sit on the bed next to her.

 

 

 

 

"What's up? Trouble sleeping?" she asked him.

 

 

 

 

"I'm the one who should ask you that. You have insomnia, remember?" he replied softly.

 

 

 

 

"Yeah...can't help it. Well, at least I could hang out with you till late at night and after we get back, I can still call you afterward to chat before you fell asleep. But sometime it's quite troublesome you know, because even when I'm dead tired, I couldn't sleep at all...." she replied.

 

 

 

 

"Tell me something Amber...what did you do after you lie on your bed and ready to sleep?"

 

 

 

 

"Mmmm…first…I toss around like this until I'm comfortable and then I just..." and her voice trailed off as she look past the window.

 

 

 

 

Top watched her and slowly he followed her gaze. Since it was cloudy outside, Top frowned a little and turned to Amber. Reality hits him and he narrowed his eyes knowing full well now that the girl was spacing out. He can guess why she was in that state. His anger surfaced when he saw her solemn look as she gazed at his window, lost in her own world while reminiscing her memories with the 'other person', leaving him out of the picture.

 

 

 

 

 

"Amber..."

 

 

 

 

Unfortunately his voice was unheard by the said girl.

 

 

 

 

"Amber stop...." 

 

 

 

 

Anger, sadness and jealousy formed in his heart. Out of those three, he felt sadness the most as he watched Amber trapped in her own guilt and memories. Top was desperate for Amber to be with him that he quickly shook the girl out of her reverie.

 

 

 

 

"Amber, please don't!" he shouted at her, failed to hide his sadness anymore.

 

 

 

 

"Huh? Top? W-What happened? What's wrong with you?" she asked, alarmed with his eyes and quickly sat abruptly before she pulled him into a hug.

 

 

 

 

"Amber, please..." he said desperately as he returned her hug tightly and put his chin on her shoulder.

 

 

 

 

"What's wrong Top? Tell me…what is it with you?" she asked again.

 

 

 

 

"You...your insomnia...don’t you really know why?" he asked softly.

 

 

 

 

Amber was dumbfounded at first when she finally realized the reason.  

 

 

 

 

 "T-Top, I'm sorry...I didn't know...”

 

 

 

 

“You can’t stop yourself from thinking about him do you?”

 

 

 

 

“I…” and she sighed deeply before continued, “All these years...all those nights… I couldn’t help but to remember the memories I had with him…” she said feeling dejected when it dawned to her that her own unconscious behavior was causing her so-called-insomnia all this while.

 

 

 

“And you couldn’t let go…” he then sighed deeply.

 

 

 

 

Amber was quiet for some time, debating whether she should tell him the truth. The statement he made was very personal and Amber couldn’t stop the tears that start b in her eyes. As she tried to blink the tears away, she realized that her relationship with Top had gone beyond any emotional barrier and to let him know everything is just the ‘right’ thing to do.

 

 

 

 

“Yeah…you’re right…I couldn't let him go...and I never actually let him go. But tell me something…how on earth can I do that Top? How can I let it go when I never forgive him for leaving me alone?” her voice cracked and Top held her tightly, leaving no space between them.

 

 

 

 

“Then stop…” he whispered slowly.

 

 

 

 

“Huh?”

 

 

 

 

“Stop thinking about him…he’s in the past…he’s no more Amber...he’s no more in this world.”

 

 

 

 

“I know that he’s no more! I know! But…I couldn’t…I don’t think I can…”

 

 

 

 

“Don’t!” he shouted that Amber flinched a little before he continued.

 

 

 

 

“Don’t talk about him anymore…don’t remember all the pain he gave you…just live your life right now…live your life with people that’s around you…people who loves you…people who needs you…your friends, your family…and me…I need you, Amber. I really do….So, please…don’t do this to yourself…please…”  

 

 

 

 

Amber was so overwhelmed by his plead that slowly her eyes filled with tears. It was not long after she let out small sobs and finally she cried and holds Top for her dear life. No one ever console her that way. Not when she was at Chris’s funeral where everyone were lost in their thoughts and later on continued their journey as if Chris’s death is another passing moments in their life.

 

 

 

 

But not her…Amber knew she was trapped in his memories and her feelings for him. By never missing Chris’s birthday, the date they met, the date she confessed to him and being rejected, the date Chris admitted to the hospital due to drug overdose and finally, the date he died in front of her, Amber stood her ground in front of Chris’s grave for every single event, to an extent making excuses to be release from f(x) schedule. During all those moments, not even once she shed a tear for Chris, afraid that the moment she cried for him is the moment she will forget about him like the rest.

 

 

 

 

But as she cried her heart out on Top’s shoulder, she realized that she could never forget Chris as he will always be her best friend and her first crush, but she knew that she was ready to let Chris go and forgive him…

 

 

 

Top slowly detached Amber at arm length when he realized that she has stopped crying. As if on cue, Amber looked up to him and smiled. Top heaved a relief knowing that Amber has found her peace and instead of wanted to take advantage on Amber’s fragile condition and declare his love there and then; Top wrapped his arms around Amber and lied down with her back facing him.

 

 

 

 

Amber was confused and tried to wriggle from his grasp when he tightened his hold against her.

 

 

 

 

“Sleep Amber…I’ll watch over you…just don’t think of him anymore…try to think of me…just me,” he said as his eyes began to drooped low.

 

 

 

 

Amber sighed, knowing full well she couldn’t refuse his request. So, after she made herself comfortable she turned her head a little till she saw his face.

 

 

 

 

“Top, can I ask you something?”

 

 

 

 

“Hmm,” he hummed, too lazy to open his eyes.

 

 

 

 

“Why this room is all red?” she asked and Top suddenly felt nervous.

 

 

 

 

“Huh? What’s wrong with that?”

 

 

 

 

“I dunno…it feels like somehow, somewhere you unintentionally read this article about how I love red and suddenly wanted to decorate this room based on that. Well, just my assumptions. It’ll be weird if it’s true right?" she chuckle softly and nudged his shoulder.

 

 

 

 

 But when there was just silence and no reaction from Top, Amber quickly snapped her head and stared at him fully as he diverted his gaze to the ceiling.

 

 

 

 

"Oh my gosh!! Top! You didn't!! Please don't tell me you do this because of me. Why on earth do you want to do that? "she asked, surprised to know that her thoughts were right all along.

 

 

 

 

"I...I want you to like my home Amber....I don't know what I'm going to do if you decided not to come here again. I seriously want you to come here as often as possible and probably who knows...you know..."

 

 

 

 

"Know what?"

 

 

 

 

"You know....if you perhaps...would like to...err...to stay here," he said as he looked away.

 

 

 

 

"Ehh?"

 

 

 

 

"As my housemate!!! Housemate!!! Y-Yeah, that's it!!" he said bashfully and tried to look at her reaction from the corner of his eyes.

 

 

 

 

Amber stared at him for sometime when she turned to look up to the ceilings as if in deep thoughts.

 

 

 

 

"Hmmm, I have my own room in the girls’ dorm and it's very convenient for us to move in a group, I doubt I want to stay away from other members. But since you made me love your home, I hope that I won't disturb you if I want to come here as often as possible. Is it okay with you?" she asked and deep down, she was touched his effort to spend more time with her.   

 

 

 

 

 Top was elated that his hand wrapped around Amber tightly leaving no space between them and whispered to her…

 

 

 

 

“Thank you so much Amber. It means a world to me…” and Top kissed her ear and trailed down to the side of her cheek before he settle himself at the crook of her neck and fell asleep. Amber on the other hand blushed furiously with his bold action. When his movements stopped, Amber felt a form of tranquility that she had never experienced before.

 

 

 

 

Smiling, Amber closes her eyes and suddenly sleep came easily for both of them…