a/n: this picks up from chapter 8 (the next morning
this time, we ~delve~ back inside sooyoung’s head, but instead of 2nd person POV & fourth wall breaks, sooyoung personifies her emotions, machinifies her mind, and just…talks to herself to process her feelings? lol
enjoy!...unless…?

6 days until SolsticeFest. Maybe Sooyoung should try to keep count.

She wakes up to morning sunlight streaming through the curtains, dust dancing in the air, and a weight sprawled over her.

The blanket had slipped down to their waists, barely covering them, and the limp arm resting over her stomach goes up and down with her every breath. Jiwoo’s striped pajamas peek from beneath the side, one of her legs draped over Sooyoung. She’s been ensnared in a snoozing Jiwoo trap, but who is she to complain? Jiwoo’s ideal to cuddle with, as Sooyoung has so luckily learned after waking up from perhaps the warmest night and best sleep of her life.

Turning slightly to look at the sleeping face nuzzled against her shoulder, Sooyoung can’t help her sleepy chuckle upon the sight of Jiwoo’s open mouth and mussed up bangs.

God, she’s even cuter when sleeping.

Her thoughts whir to life, even in her morning grogginess.

Sooyoung gently cups a hand over Jiwoo’s cheek, careful not to wake her. It’s nice to revel in the domesticity of things and contemplate the possibility of getting used to something like this. Mornings would certainly be a lot better if she’s waking up next to Jiwoo.

The last conversation they had before dozing off is still so clear in Sooyoung’s memories, and it’s one she can’t help but think about as she becomes transfixed on Jiwoo’s slow, calming breaths.

"Jungeun really hurt me, you know,” she whispers into what little space there was between them. “We never really fought, but I noticed she was being a little distant in the days leading up to graduation. I guess it's partly my fault for ignoring it and acting like everything was alright and perfect. But still, I think there was a better way to do it, you know? To the way she ended things. Better time, better place. We could’ve talked about it more. I keep thinking I did something wrong.”

Sooyoung isn’t sure why Jiwoo suddenly finds it in her to be so candid about this, especially with Jungeun sleeping just mere metres away from them, but perhaps it was the way they’ve talked all night, or maybe even the feeling of seclusion that being beneath this blanket granted them.  

Whatever it is, Sooyoung decides to listen. She listens to Jiwoo’s hushed confessions, reciprocating her timid gaze.  

“She really did try not to hurt me. I know it was hard for her too. We tried to be as amicable as possible. We’re best friends, after all, we could get through this. I tried my best to go back to normal.” Jiwoo takes a contemplative pause as her eyes wander away from Sooyoung’s, lost. “I still felt too much for her. I know that because I couldn't tell her how much she hurt me. She always hated seeing me sad, so…"

“You still haven’t told her, huh?” Sooyoung lets out an inaudible sigh. She reaches up to thumb at Jiwoo’s chin, seizing back her attention, tethering her back to the now rather than let her drift further into the past. “You still don’t want her to know how much she hurt you.”

Jiwoo looks back at her. “I don’t know.” And then her eyes drift away again, eyelids drooping in sleepiness.

Sooyoung lets Jiwoo fall asleep first. She doesn’t dwell too long on the possibility of Jiwoo still feeling something for Jungeun and surrenders herself to sleep soon after.

Beneath her uplifting exterior, Jiwoo hid far too much. It’s not fair to her; she can’t keep bottling things up for Jungeun’s sake.

I wish you’d stop putting yourself through this.  

The scuffling sound of slippers snaps Sooyoung out of her moment. She glances over to find Jungeun hanging awkwardly by the doorway.

“Oh, you’re up. Good morning,” she greets quietly, eyes travelling to the sleeping Jiwoo, lingering for only a second before returning her attention to Sooyoung. She shifts from one foot to the other. “Um, the others are already in the kitchen. I made breakfast.”

And then she quickly skitters away, as if she had just walked in on something she wasn’t supposed to and wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible.

Sooyoung’s still too sleepy to completely process what was just said. Something about breakfast, she guesses. Her gentle hold on Jiwoo’s face turns into featherlight taps as she rouses the younger girl awake, mumbling to her about how breakfast is ready.

Jiwoo just groans and snuggles sleepily into her touch.

“I’m not kidding, this is literally better than my mom’s omelette,” Hyunjin raves over a full mouth.

They’re lined up across the island counter with Jungeun standing on the other side like some hibachi chef proudly watching her patrons gleefully enjoy the food she’s personally prepared.

Jungeun cooked rolled omelette for breakfast because of course she did. And guess what? It’s spectacularly amazing. Much to Sooyoung’s chagrin.

To add more salt to the gaping wound on Sooyoung’s ego, Hyunjin keeps heaping praise over Jungeun’s cooking. Either she’s totally clueless and insensitive, or she has some sort of vendetta against Sooyoung that she doesn’t know about.

“Damn, why is this so good?”

For god’s sake, Hyunjin, please shut up about the omelette.

The voice in Sooyoung’s head has been very loud lately, thanks to last night’s film. For the life of her, she can’t remember the title of the first movie they watched before the action flick that knocked everyone out. Nor can she remember the exact plot, except for the fact that it was an animated film involving a moody child and five talking…things in her head representing her emotions.

Or something like that.

Frankly, she was too distracted by Jiwoo to really pay attention. Nevertheless, she selectively remembers just enough, and maybe this is silly and childish of her, but now Sooyoung can’t help but imagine little emotion critters skittering inside her head, doing an awful job of piloting her usually well-oiled thought machine of a brain.

(It’s oiled, just in all the wrong places. Terribly oiled. What’s gotten into her?)

For lack of a better word, Sooyoung calls them critters. It seems fitting anyway; whenever she heard strange noises beyond the ceiling of her family home, her dad would reassure her with, ‘those are just little critters in the attic, don’t mind them’.

(Weird way of euphemising ‘there are rats in our goddamn house’.)

Sooyoung’s extremely amused and entertained by the whole concept of personified emotions in her attic of a head. Even if she doesn’t exactly know what emotions each of the critters represent, it allows her to rationalise and sort out her feelings, albeit in a childish way.

Jiwoo’s been driving her thoughts crazy lately – she needs the organising. Thus, Sooyoung’s been letting the voice in her head run freely.

If a mind reader listens in on me right now, would they think I’m crazy?

Probably.

(For the record, I’m just having fun.)  

The personification of…whatever terrible feeling she’s getting from Jungeun’s spectacularly amazing omelettes is having a go at the control panel right now.

“This is delicious, Jungie,” Jiwoo says without much thought.

What the hell is a Jungie.

Sooyoung frowns at the nickname, then frowns deeper at the way Jungeun’s face lights up at it. Jiwoo’s too busy eating to notice Jungeun's smile, much less Sooyoung’s sullen look.

Nevertheless, Sooyoung loses her appetite.

“Is this your mom’s recipe?” Heejin asks.

Jungeun looks half-worried, half-amused at the speed Hyunjin’s going as she scarfed down the food.

“No, I just cook it often for my friends,” Jungeun replies with a chuckle and Sooyoung doesn’t miss the glance she sneaks at Jiwoo. “I’ve had lots of practice to perfect it, I guess.”

“Omff mmy godff,” Hyunjin garbles, shoving omelette pieces into like she had just returned from starving in the desert for three days. Swallowing, she turns towards Sooyoung. “Hey, you should ask Jungeun for her omelette recipe.”

Sooyoung narrows her eyes. Oh, so now Hyunjin decides to say something without a mouthful of omelette? Is it because of the mediocre omelettes she force-fed them last time? Does Hyunjin hold grudges?

Heejin hits her girlfriend on the shoulder, scolding her with a stern voice after noticing Sooyoung’s sour look.

(DESERVE, Sooyoung thinks.)

Hyunjin winces, frowning at her partner. “I’m just saying it’s yummy. This is how rolled omelettes should be like. Right, Chae?”

At the mention of her name, Chaewon stops mid-chew. She had been eating silently at the end of the counter, very unlike her. Her chopsticks hang frozen in mid-air, a fat piece of omelette pinched between it.

“Huh? Nope,” she answers unconvincingly. With a fervent shake of her head, she stuffs the last of her omelette into .

Hyunjin scoffs. “You’re literally it down like a vacuu-“

“Shut up, Hyunjin,” comes Chaewon’s garbled interjection, “it’s just average.”

She says it’s average but eats it like she’s at Burger King. A pout pulls at Sooyoung’s lips.

Chaewon, you traitor! You’re not even on my side? Is Heejin the only one I can trust around here?!

Sooyoung continues to pick at her food, rudely poking the omelette pieces on her plate. Her thoughts are abruptly cut short by a nudge from her left.

“Why aren’t you eating? Not hungry?” asks Jiwoo in a soft voice still tinged with morning drowsiness.  

Sooyoung shakes her head with a smile, eating one last bite of the spectacularly amazing omelette before offering Jiwoo a piece. The girl happily eats it off her chopsticks, scrunching her nose cutely as she pulls Sooyoung’s plate towards her.

“More for me!”

Sooyoung opts to watch Jiwoo eat heartily instead, ignoring the occasional glances Jungeun would sneak her way. She thinks about the talk she had with Jiwoo last night, the way her distracted eyes wandered and the uncertainty in her words.

A new critter takes over her thought machine. There’s something gnawing at her stomach from within, robbing her of her appetite, and Sooyoung decides she’s not really feeling rolled omelette this morning.

Weirdly, Chaewon’s shrieks nicely harmonize with the sound of running water.

Probably spurred by boredom, Hyunjin, Heejin, and Chaewon had decided to pick up their pillow fight from last night. By the sounds of Jungeun’s boisterous laughter, it seems like she too had been unfortunately roped into their spirited battle.

Despite being natural rivals, Sooyoung silently prays for Jungeun to survive Chaewon’s grudge-driven attacks. Hopefully, the girl didn’t sneak weights into her pillow or something. Sooyoung may not be the biggest fan of Jungeun, but it’s not like she wants her dead.

Meanwhile, Jiwoo and Sooyoung had volunteered themselves for dishwashing duty. ‘They get scary when we do pillow fights,’ Jiwoo had told her, willing to do anything to escape from participating in it.

Sooyoung’s earnestly scrubbing the dishes to distract herself when a finger swipes her face and she feels foam running down her cheek.

“Hey!” she whines, glaring at the laughing Jiwoo, “wipe it off!”

Jiwoo does as she’s told, using her own sleeve to clean Sooyoung’s face. Sooyoung goes back to washing the dishes so intensely, one would think her mother ordered her to do them.

Jiwoo nudges her again with a grin. Why is she being so playful? Any hint of morning lethargy had completely disappeared by now, inertia replaced by her familiar bubbly countenance after their delicious breakfast.

“What’s up?” she asks giddily.  

“Gas prices,” Sooyoung deadpans.

Jiwoo cringes hard. “Oh god…”

“Hey, you like my dad jokes.”

“Who says?!”

“The way you’re smiling says so.”

“I’m smiling because it was stupid, not because it was funny.”

Sooyoung shrugs with a small smile. “Same difference.”

Jiwoo rolls her eyes. “No, I mean really,” she prods, “what’s up? Ever since breakfast, you look like you’ve had something on your mind.”

“I do? It’s nothing. My mind is empty.”

Sooyoung ignores the weird spike of warmth in her chest at the thought of Jiwoo paying her enough attention to notice something. Ladies and gentlemen, Bare Minimum Sooyoung strikes again.

Jiwoo narrows her eyes, unconvinced. “Remember you promised me you’d have more faith in me? That includes trusting me enough to confide in me,” she says pointedly.

Sooyoung purses her lips. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

For a moment, silence falls over them and Sooyoung glances over to find Jiwoo staring at her intently. And then suddenly, out of the blue, Jiwoo breaks into the widest, most amused grin Sooyoung has ever seen don her pretty features.

She raises an eyebrow. “Why are you so smiley this morning?”

“Are you sure nothing’s on your mind?”

Sooyoung insists, but really, who’s convinced?

Let’s take a peek inside the headquarters of her thought machine, where critters are fighting over one another. What the hell is at the control panel? Much to her betraying insistence, her mind’s currently running a billion thoughts per second:

Great. Jungeun’s rolled omelettes must put her in such a great mood. That’s just ing fantastic.

Why would she cook rolled omelette…like, come on, that’s just diabolical.

Is she trying to win her back with her stupid omelette? It wasn’t even that good.

Well, maybe it was kind of good…okay, hell, it was a Michelin meal.

, I need to up my omelette game.

Self-reminder: call mom to ask for her rolled omelette recipe.

Or maybe I should ask Jiwoo’s mom for hers? No one can beat the mother’s omelette.

Wait, is that obsessive?

But I bet Jiwoo would love it if I cooked it for her…

It’d be better than Jungeun’s omelette. It’d be the best goddamn rolled omelette she’s ever ea-

“You’re jealous,” Jiwoo interrupts her thoughts with a smug voice, “and it’s hilarious.”

Sooyoung’s brain suffers an abrupt mechanical failure. She almost drops the glass she was earnestly washing, turning to Jiwoo with an incredulous look only to find the girl smiling at her stupidly. She looks giddy, like a little kid. -eating grins have never looked this innocent.  

“What? Who said anything about anyone being jealous? And over what?” Sooyoung mutters defensively.

(Jealousy. So that’s the tyrannical critter that has usurped her thought machine. Sooyoung finally understands what Chaewon meant by ‘little green-eyed monster’.)

“I did!” Jiwoo chirps, “and that anyone is you. The what is Jungeun’s rolled omelette.”

Sooyoung only blinks at her. And then she busies herself with the dishes again, picking up the glass she had almost dropped and giving it another intense scrub.

That’s stupid. I don’t get jealous. Anyway…die, bacteria, die!

Beside her, Jiwoo continues to giggle. She nudges her repeatedly on the shoulder, making Sooyoung rock back and forth on her feet.

“I was right! You’re totally jealous!” Jiwoo’s having a blast with this, for some reason. Seeing Sooyoung’s lips jut out in a childish pout, she tones down her teasing and softens her voice. “Why are you all pouty over some omelettes?”

Sooyoung shuts her eyes; Jiwoo softening on her is one of her biggest weaknesses. Well aware that she’s been scrubbing the same glass for the past five minutes, Sooyoung puts it down and decides to swallow her pride for once.

“It was better than mine…” she finally grumbles.

There it is: the admittance of jealousy.

At the wide grin breaking across her face, Sooyoung knows that Jiwoo is getting a massive kick out of this and braces herself for the barrage of teasing she’s about to receive.

Instead, Jiwoo just giggles.

“You’re such a baby,” Jiwoo coos.

With warming cheeks, Sooyoung narrows her eyes. “I’m older than you…”

“So? You’re an overgrown baby. Very cute.”

And so Sooyoung goes back to pouting like the overgrown baby that she is. She wonders if she has eradicated all the bacteria on this damn cup yet.

“This is childish, you’re all sulky!” Jiwoo tells her with an endearing smile. “Don’t get jealous over rolled omelettes. Didn’t I say yours was perfect?”

“You were eating Jungeun’s rolled omelette pretty deliciously…”

Jiwoo laughs. “I was hungry! All we ate last night was popcorn and candy,” she exclaims, suddenly drying her hands with a towel.

“…And you called her Jungie.”

Jiwoo pauses before breaking into a wide grin. “I’m sorry, force of habit. She’s my best friend, I’ve always called her that. Don’t look too much into it,” she answers, “Sooyoungie.”

Sooyoung’s lips quirk at the nickname – force of habit – but she shrugs it off and keeps her focus on the task at hand. Her heart, though, starts missing beats. 

She had finally moved on from the glass to the bowl, which was now enjoying its turn of intense cleaning courtesy of Sooyoung’s newfound passion for dishwashing. Here’s the thing with hard-working Sooyoung, who puts her all into everything she does: she really puts her all into everything she does, moreso when there’s something clawing at her from within. She’ll do anything to take her mind off of it.

Jealousy? Don’t know her! How about we destroy all the bacteria in the entire kitchen!?

(The critter in charge of…intensity? Passion? Distraction? Whatever it is, it’s hard at work on the thought machine and manifests in her actions in the form of earnest dish washing.)

“Stop pouting already,” Jiwoo teases.

As expected, Sooyoung keeps pouting.

Just as she was about to give the bowl another round of scrubbing, she feels arms snake around her waist, a body press against her back, and a chin prop on her shoulder.

Sooyoung freezes, her hands faltering at their new predicament. Her thought machine lags, unoiled parts squeaking. The gears sputter. The critters stop wrestling. Even Jealousy falters.

Daring to turn her head slightly, she finds Jiwoo smiling softly at her. Sooyoung can still sense the last vestiges of amusement in the glint behind her eyes, but the threat of teasing remarks has completely disappeared. It’s replaced by a certain fondness that only Jiwoo is capable of conveying with one look.

Sooyoung feels a furious blush coming on at their close distance.

Kim Jiwoo, the things you do to me…

“I like your omelette more.”

“You’re just saying that to make me feel better…”

“Well, yeah, but it doesn’t mean it’s not true,” Jiwoo says with a giggle, “I like yours better because you cooked it for me and me only.”

She snuggles into Sooyoung, tightening her hold around her waist.

Sooyoung puts down the bowl she had been washing in fear that she’ll accidentally drop it if Jiwoo keeps playing whatever game she has decided to play right now.

What happened to washing the dishes? They were supposed to be washing the dishes.

Well, two can play at this game, says a critter in her head. Whatever feeling it’s in charge of, it whacks the control panel back to life.

Sooyoung’s thoughts begin working again.

“Getting brave, Kim Jiwoo,” she taunts.

At the feeling of Jiwoo pressed against her, Sooyoung can only register sensations. Every part of her feels warmer than usual. In her head, the personification of joy leaps around, bouncing off the walls of her skull and flying around the space like a deflating balloon. There’s another part of her getting excited too, but Sooyoung prefers to keep that critter tamed (it’s for another day, another story, another narrative, something not G-rated).

“Your friends are in the next room,” Sooyoung warns, leaning into her, “aren’t you afraid we’ll get caught?”

Jiwoo hums. “They’re busy.”

“What’s gotten into you?”

Not that Sooyoung’s complaining. But it reminds her that there are sides to Jiwoo she still hasn’t met yet.

Jiwoo raises a teasing eyebrow. “Do you still refuse to believe me when I say I’m good at this?”

Damn right you’re good at this…whatever this is. You’re a goddamn expert.

Jiwoo’s got a certain way about her when she’s not the bubble of smiles she typically is.

Sooyoung can feel Jiwoo’s nose nuzzling into her hair and she thinks she could melt into her right then and there. If Jiwoo wasn’t holding her from behind, her knees might’ve given out by now. 

She lets the gears in her thought machine creak to a stop. Now’s not really the time to think.  

Just as Sooyoung feels Jiwoo’s lips begin to ghost over her neck, goosebumps rising at the trail, someone interrupts their intimate moment. It’s like a sledgehammer to a stained-glass window, the type that goes up in churches, shattering it to ten million pieces.

Well. Great timing, Satan!

“ACK!” comes the unwelcome sledgehammer: Chaewon’s shriek. Sooyoung flinches and the tingling current that was beginning to run under her skin dissipates.

“I’m not looking, I’m not looking! Don’t worry about me, you two can keep doing what you’re doing! I’ll see myself out!” Chaewon exclaims.

Well, so much for sharing a moment with Jiwoo. The two of them reluctantly turn their heads to find Chaewon standing by the doorway, hands over her eyes as if she had just walked in on her parents making her a sibling.

Startled by her shrill voice, the others come running to the kitchen.

Aaaaand here come Satan’s little minions.

“What’s wrong?” Heejin asks, eyes darting from the voluntarily-blind Chaewon to the two cozy dish washers at the sink, Jiwoo’s arms still firmly wrapped around Sooyoung.

“Nothing,” Chaewon sing-songs, “just some PDA. Hehe, nothing to see here.”

She slowly backs away from the doorway and ends up stepping on Jungeun’s foot.

“Ow-“

“Oops! Sorry!” Chaewon uncovers her eyes and gasps when she sees Jungeun wincing, “that wasn’t on purpose, I swear! If it was, I would’ve done it secretly!”

Jungeun narrows her eyes.

“I thought you two weirdos were supposed to be washing the dishes,” Hyunjin quips, amused.  

With everyone’s attention suddenly back towards them, Jiwoo detaches herself from Sooyoung with a sheepish smile. On second thought, Sooyoung’s grateful that the others interrupted them. Who knows where they might’ve ended up if Chaewon didn’t come swinging by on her wrecking ball. Sooyoung’s not ready for that.

Suddenly feeling energized and free of any displeasing thoughts that had been troubling her earlier, Sooyoung nudges Jiwoo on the shoulder.   

“Back to washing the dishes, Jiwoo,” she teases, as if Jiwoo wasn’t the one teasing her just minutes prior.

With her tongue sticking out, Jiwoo splashes her with water before returning to their task.

Sooyoung looks over her shoulder one last time, catching a glance at Jungeun sporting some unreadable expression on those pretty features of hers. It fades when she meets Sooyoung’s eyes, looking away at once. Sooyoung wonders what’s going on in her head.

Looking to the girl beside her, she sees Jiwoo smiling down at the plates she’s rinsing. Sooyoung wonders what’s going on in her head too, what critters run her thoughts and all.

Even if Sooyoung’s own critters aren’t always on the same page, her thoughts always end up leading to one thing and one thing only:

Just say you like me too, Jiwoo.

3 days until SolsticeFest. Sooyoung is definitely keeping count.

She feels like she’s been soaring through the air these past few days. The voice currently taking over her head is a cheery one, reminiscent of Jiwoo’s purple-haired junior Sooyoung met weeks ago, or maybe akin to a bubbly flight attendant addressing passengers.

Isn’t it time for her to just lay it all out? Take Jiwoo to the practice room after the festival and confess? Tell her how she really feels and ask her out on a real date?

The thought of it makes her heart jump.

Ladies and gentleladies – a.k.a. Sooyoung – welcome aboard. Thank you for choosing Cloud 9 Airlines. The weather is clear and sunny. Sit back, relax, and enjoy your flight.

Whatever critter currently in charge has turned her headspace into an airplane decked out in hearts and rainbows, silencing all other unpleasant thoughts. 

For the first time ever, she’s actually looking forward to this SolsticeFest thing as she counts down the days until she gets to see Jiwoo again.

Sooyoung wants to confess. What better day to do it on than on festival day?

Now that she’s got more than one kiss to think about, her mind never takes a rest. It invades her thoughts all day, keeping her up at night, keeping her awake in the morning, and keeping her energized in the afternoon, completely blissed out. Her terribly-oiled thought machine’s been busy.

Sooyoung has forgotten how nice it feels to like someone. And to believe that she’s got an actual chance, too. To have someone to think about and the possibility that they’re thinking about her too. Sooyoung thinks this must be what it’s like to literally float in seventh heaven. She feels high. Literally high. Jiwoo may be paying her with this whole fake dating arrangement, but in Sooyoung’s thoughts, where Jiwoo persists indefinitely, she’s practically living in her head rent-free.  

She wishes SolsticeFest was tomorrow. Who knew three days away could feel like three years away? Never in her life did she ever imagine herself being excited for SolsticeFest, of all things. Her friends would laugh at her for this. Fairs are a setting of her nightmares, after all, and they belong in the Memory Dump to be forgotten.

But well, as long as Jiwoo’s with her, she can get through it. She could probably get through anything with Jiwoo by her side.

Just when the girl comes to mind for the nth time of the day, Sooyoung’s phone buzzes.

from: kim jiwoo ♡
sooyoung
I need to talk to you

Speak of the devil angel. Something’s off, though. Jiwoo, a steadfast word-shortener and compulsive emoji-user, does not often text without acronyms and emojis that help get her point across. Sooyoung sits up.

Cabin crew, please be seated, comes the critter pilot’s threateningly calm voice.

to: kim jiwoo ♡
what's up?

from: kim jiwoo ♡
we should talk in person. are you free right now?

to: kim jiwoo ♡
yeah of course
where are you?

from: kim jiwoo ♡
I'll go where you are

Sooyoung texts her her address, ignoring the subdued uneasiness rolling in her gut. She knows she shouldn’t jump to conclusions, but this really isn’t a good sign.  

Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seatbelts. We are now entering a zone of turbulence.

Sooyoung hasn’t seen Jiwoo this jittery since their first meeting. She keeps averting her gaze, pacing briskly across Sooyoung’s living room. It certainly doesn’t do any favours for the million knots threatening to twist Sooyoung’s stomach.

“Jiwoo, relax,” she says, “are you okay? What’s wrong?”

Jiwoo comes to a sudden halt, fingers relentlessly fiddling with the hem of her skirt.

“Something happened,” Jiwoo tells her sheepishly, “two days ago. I did something I shouldn’t have.”

“What’d you do…?”

Jiwoo opens and then closes it immediately, biting down on her lip. Her nerves are buzzing. Behind the anxious eyes, Sooyoung can almost see the gears in her head working, the critters fumbling over the controls, wondering what she should say or how she should say it.

Whatever it is, Sooyoung wishes she’d just spit it out because sitting here, watching the girl pace anxiously back and forth, is as nervewracking for Sooyoung as it is for Jiwoo.

She gets up and holds Jiwoo’s hands to stop her from fidgeting with her skirt any further.

Sooyoung softens her voice. “What? Did you commit a crime? Shoplift? Rob a bank? Kill a man?” she jokes. It’s a poor attempt at brightening the atmosphere, just barely cutting through the settling uneasiness.

Jiwoo widens her eyes. “No! No, n-nothing like that,” she exclaims. She takes a step back, retracting her hands as if touching Sooyoung had burned her.

Sooyoung chuckles, and maybe it sounds a bit unhinged because now doesn’t seem like the right time to make jokes. But if Jiwoo refuses to fess up whatever it is she did two days ago, then Sooyoung doesn’t really know how else to get her to say it.

“Listen, just–“

“We kissed,” Jiwoo spits out.

Sooyoung stops mid-chuckle and it’s out of surprise, really, for Jiwoo to be bringing this up so suddenly after days of dancing circles around it. The amused grin remains on her face. “…Yes, uh, we did.”

And then Jiwoo shakes her head.

“No…” she murmurs, taking another step back as her eyes bore holes into the carpet beneath her feet. “Not we as in me and you. We as in me and…”

The grin falls from Sooyoung’s face.

Oh.

The realisation comes to her, but it’s almost as if her mind is actively fighting it, defensive critters shoving it back to whatever locked room it was hiding in within the many spaces of her head. But much to Sooyoung’s misfortune, the realisation triumphs and leaps out of in the form of a name, leaving a bitter taste on its way out:

“Jungeun?”

Jiwoo’s silence is as telling as any verbal confirmation she could’ve given.

Well.

Sooyoung stops in her tracks.

.

It’s then that the energy of the room shifts and Sooyoung’s mind, along with the rest of her body, experiences a mechanical failure, thoughts slowing down to a snail’s pace. Everything suddenly halts.

“You and her? Like…kissed kissed?”

Jiwoo can only give her a sheepish nod, reduced to an ant-sized human being with a flimsy fence around her rather than iron walls.

What the hell.

“Uh, okay…um…this is not good,” Sooyoung stammers. She swears her thoughts are still going stupidly slow and the suddenness is making it so hard for her to process anything properly, that she can barely form the right words to say. What's the right thing to possibly say here?  “And you just…you just decided to tell me this now because…?”

“I-I don’t know, I haven’t told anyone except Heejin and she– she thought I should tell you.”

“So you’re only telling me because Heejin told you to? You wouldn’t have otherwise?”

The uneasiness at the pit of her stomach is starting to feel more palpable now. Sooyoung plops down on the couch in a desperate attempt to alleviate the churning in her gut.

Unfortunately, sitting down doesn’t really do much to ease the nausea rolling through.

“No, it’s not that! I was going to tell you anyway, I just didn’t know what to say and how to say it and I don’t know, I guess I’m still processing it and–“ Jiwoo pauses abruptly, seemingly running out of words to say in the middle of her rambling.

“It’s not that hard,” Sooyoung finds herself muttering flatly. “‘I made out with Jungeun’. Clear and to the point.”

Jiwoo shifts on her feet uncomfortably. “I…that’s not– I didn’t kiss her–“

“What, you mean she kissed you?” Sooyoung suddenly rises from the couch with wide eyes. Oh, this homewrecking bit-

“I-I pushed her away! I swear!” Jiwoo retorts defensively, thinking over her next words for only a moment before she quiets her voice, “I kissed back…b-but I pushed her away once I realised what I was doing. I did!”

Sooyoung just blinks. Jiwoo’s insistence doesn’t really do much to mitigate the awful unease that’s on verge of wreaking havoc inside her. In a way, it feels like a calm before the storm.  

“Why would you…” she mutters. “You just technically cheated on me, you know.”

It seems like such a stupid thing to say right now, she knows that, but she doesn’t really know how to react. Her mind’s still going at an excruciatingly slow pace; out of shock, maybe, or denial, perhaps.

Jiwoo seems taken aback by her accusation. “I didn’t! I…w-we’re not even…dating,” she blurts out, “I’m not a cheater!”

Well, she’s right. They’re not dating. Sooyoung no longer knows what they are. The lines blurred a long time ago, before the melting kisses and the soft touches, before all the smiles and the gazes they exchanged.

They’re not dating, so Sooyoung can’t even justify the confusing feelings troubling her mind right now with that excuse.

But still. Jungeun doesn’t know that. She’s not supposed to.

“Well, Jungeun thinks we’re together. Yet she kissed you?” Sooyoung sighs. “Why would she do that?! Why did this happen?”

At a loss for words, Sooyoung just glances at Jiwoo, who catches her eye for a second and looks away in the next.

“I’m sorry,” Jiwoo murmurs, “I’m really, really sorry it happened, I know it shouldn’t have but–“

“But it did.”

“…I’m sorry.” Jiwoo’s voice tapers into silence as she bites her lip, keeping her gaze towards the floor. Her defensive body language makes it hard for Sooyoung to believe her.

Then another door in her head swings open and the thought previously hiding behind it bursts out to further provoke Sooyoung’s mess of feelings:

She’s not over Jungeun.  

Sooyoung suddenly feels her heart plunge to the floor. Whatever plane she was on, soaring smoothly through the air, was now nosediving straight for the ground, alarm sounds and red lights polluting the cabin in which she’s the only passenger.

Passengers, brace yourself for impact.

What’s going to happen if Jiwoo and Jungeun still have feelings for each other? Sooyoung knows she could just clear the air with Jiwoo right now, but realises she’s too scared to ask. 

Too scared to learn the truth behind Jiwoo’s feelings, despite weeks and weeks of desperately trying to see through her for any hint, any sign, that Sooyoung’s sentiment is mutual; that Jiwoo feels for her as much as she feels for Jiwoo.

She's scared. All the thoughts her head is conjuring up is taking too big of a hit on her confidence.

“Is that all you have to say?” Sooyoung asks bluntly. She wonders if it’s obvious, in her face or in her body language, in her voice or in her eyes, how much her resolve is crumbling by the second.

Jiwoo appears taken aback by her curtness. “I- what do you want me to say?”

“You can’t be serious, Jiwoo.”

Has everything we’ve done together all summer been in vain? All this time, have I been walking on air all by myself? Blinded by my own feelings and getting excited over what had actually been mixed signals all along? What the hell have we been doing all this time? 

There’s one emotion that succinctly sums up what she’s feeling: humiliation.

Humiliation, a shy little critter that doesn’t get a turn at the panel very often. It’s a foreign feeling to Sooyoung from how often she represses it in her daily life. She does so because it’s a compelling emotion, one that threatens the very persona she has carefully crafted for others; the charismatic Ha Sooyoung, brazen in her confidence and magnetic in her presence. Ha Sooyoung does not get humiliated.

But right now, humiliation is rearing its ugly head. It’s strong enough to mask the underlying tinctures of hurt and anger – feelings that Sooyoung has, but can’t comprehend well enough to actually admit it.

It’s almost as if confessing she’s upset and heartbroken is embarrassing, so she quells it, pushing those critters to the back of her mind for the sake of saving face.

Sooyoung lets a scoff slip past her lips.

Jiwoo catches it. Amplified by the loaded silence of the living room, every little noise rings out clear as day. Guilt flashes across her face. And then, like a switch has , she sets off on defensive mode.

“It was just a brief kiss, Sooyoung, I pushed her away immediately! I know this is something I should’ve been avoiding all summer, but I don’t know what came over me. I feel terrible it happened and I’m so–“

Sooyoung cuts her off, seeing no point in repeating what’s already been said.

“Do you regret it?”

Her question renders Jiwoo silent as she gapes at the older girl glaring at her.

Her lack of an answer, though, is more telling than anything. Sooyoung frowns.

“Just admit it, Jiwoo. If you don’t even have the courage to do that, think of how pathetic you look to me right now,” she snaps, momentarily losing control over her impulsivity as anger takes over her.

A frown creases Jiwoo’s forehead, hurt flashing across her eyes. And then she bites her lip to stop them from trembling, hands clenching to small, timid fists.

“Fine,” she mutters, “I don’t regret it. Is that what you wanted to hear?”

Sooyoung feels a pang spike in her chest, the stinging sensation spreading all the way to her fingertips.

“…No, not at all, but thank you for being honest,” she grumbles, jaw tensing.

“I don’t know what the right thing to say is here…”

“There isn’t one, Jiwoo.” Sooyoung sighs. “I don’t want you to tell me what I want to hear. Let go of whatever shame you feel and just tell me, honestly, how the hell this happened and why.”

Her gaze must’ve been desperate enough because it forces the words out of Jiwoo and they spill out of her, haphazard and uncontrolled.   

“It was an in-the-moment kind of thing. We were fooling around and teasing each other and it just…it happened.” The discomfort of recounting it is discernible in Jiwoo’s body language. “It didn’t mean anything! Besides, we were drinking and Jungeun had drank more than usual–“

“Really? You’re chalking it up to alcohol? Now?” Sooyoung balks at Jiwoo’s attempt to soften the blame. She scoffs, mind glitching with newfound frustration blurring her senses. “That’s a classic.”

“No, no, I’m just saying it was a factor–“

“Stop,” Sooyoung interrupts, shutting her eyes. “Just cut it out. For my sake, just cut it out and…stop talking.”

Jiwoo knits her eyebrows. There's a glassiness to her eyes that Sooyoung notices. “You asked me to tell you what happened, so I’m telling you! You won’t even let me talk?!”

Sooyoung blows out an exasperated sigh at Jiwoo’s rise in volume, running a nervous hand through her hair. “What you’re doing is defending her–“

“It was just a kiss! It was nothing!” Jiwoo exclaims, words springing out in some desperate attempt to defend herself. “Kisses don’t always mean something! Most of the time, they don’t mean anything! You should know that, shouldn’t you?!”

Sooyoung narrows her eyes in disbelief. “What’s that supposed to mean?” Did any of our kisses mean anything to you? Do you really think they meant nothing to me? “Okay, what, do you think I just go around kissing whoever I want to? To hell with feelings, right?”

Instead of hiding behind a curtain of bangs like she has been this entire time, Jiwoo stares back at her, eyes wide. “No, that’s– that’s not what I meant!” she exclaims, belatedly realising the weight of her previous words. “Y-you’ve said it before, kissing is not a big deal–“

“I haven’t kissed anyone since I met you, Jiwoo,” Sooyoung blurts out.

If that’s not a clearer indirect confession of her feelings, then Sooyoung doesn’t know how else to show it.

She can’t read the look on Jiwoo’s face. The girl only blinks at her, clouding whatever true reaction her eyes could show. “…You haven’t?”

Maybe she hasn’t been clear enough. “No.”

Jiwoo goes quiet. Sooyoung bites her lip to stop it from trembling. She doesn’t like any of the terrible feelings coming to wreck her mind.

It stings to consider that maybe the feelings that charged their kisses weren’t mutual. Maybe they meant a whole lot less to Jiwoo than they did to Sooyoung. Maybe she’s misread everything from Jiwoo all along. Maybe their hearts beat in completely different rhythms.   

No, it doesn’t just sting. It hurts way more than that.

That critter returns again, Sooyoung’s sworn enemy: humiliation.

Unadulterated, sheer humiliation. It has her feeling vulnerable, as if all her shortcomings have surfaced.

Just as she was feeling like she was at her wit’s end, Sooyoung catches Jiwoo’s pale gaze. Something in it urges her to get a better hold of herself. It isn’t her to look weak and defeated and hurt. She manages to regain the reins over the emotions that had been dictating her impulsive reactions, placating herself enough to ask Jiwoo a burning question with some semblance of calmness.

“Why did you kiss her back? Tell the truth.”

She braces herself for the answer.

Jiwoo takes one look at her before taking in a breath. “I don’t know.”

Sooyoung stares at her.

“I’m being honest! I don’t know. Maybe I was just reminded of the past. She kissed me and I just– I kissed back. Fell back into old habits, I guess. Something came over me…I don’t know what.”

It seems like impulsivity is a vice that Jiwoo has shared with her all along. She doesn’t even feel like she has the right to chastise her for that or else she’d feel like a hypocrite.

But people don’t just kiss in the moment unless it feels right. Sooyoung knows that well.

“That’s all? You really don’t know?” she asks quietly. For her own sake, Sooyoung doesn’t really want to pry, but curiosity is a steadfast killer and she knows that this is something both of them need to hear, loud and clear.

Sooyoung knows that if Jiwoo doesn’t talk her feelings through, they’ll end up wrecking her from within. So she puts her own feelings aside.

Jiwoo looks at her for a second before casting her eyes down as if she could see through the floor. Her voice lowers. “Maybe…maybe there was a part of me that wanted to do it," she hesitantly admits. "Maybe I just missed her. Maybe I haven’t let her go yet.”

There it is. The answer Sooyoung was bracing herself for.

“There you go,” Sooyoung can only murmur.

For a moment, she doesn’t know what to do. Time slows and silence rings in the air.

The fog in her head slowly clears up, thoughts becoming more and more clear. The critters slowly take form. Humiliation moves aside to make way for the other feelings that have been plaguing Sooyoung’s mind.

At the forefront is jealousy, a reasonable reaction for obvious reasons. There’s also gloom; after all, no one wants to hear about the person they like kissing someone else, much less an ex. And then there’s anger, making up for a stronger presence. She thought she had a real chance with Jiwoo, so there’s a part of her that can’t help but feel like she’s been led on.

Above all, there’s hurt. Her personal feelings about Jiwoo aside, it’s upsetting to think that maybe Jiwoo hasn’t made any progress on her own feelings this entire time. All summer, they’ve been working towards a clear goal of helping her move on. All of them; Heejin and Hyunjin had to eat a million mediocre omelettes and god knows what Chaewon had to do to snag those SolsticeFest tickets.

And just when it seemed like they were on a smooth upwards climb, hits the fan right near the peak – and down they tumble, right back to the foot of the mountain. It’s disheartening.

Sooyoung’s hurt, betrayed, and beyond disappointed.

She doesn’t want to, but she’s starting to doubt that Jiwoo really wants this to work out.

“I can’t tell anymore whether you actually want to get over her or not.”

Or whether you actually like me or not.

Jiwoo’s back to boring holes at the carpet, her toes curling in the way they do whenever she’s flustered. “…I do. Believe me, I do. But it’s not easy. I’ve never been through anything like this before, I’m going crazy trying to sort my feelings out.”

Maybe the critters in Jiwoo’s head are more of a mess than Sooyoung’s; maybe her thought machine isn’t oiled at all, coughing out smoke and errors.

But one thing’s clear to Sooyoung: whatever she’s been doing all summer to change Jiwoo’s mind, and heart, seemingly hasn’t been enough. And nothing hurts Sooyoung more than wasted efforts and hard work that doesn’t pay off in the end. She’s always been so earnest with whatever – and whoever – she pursues. Humiliation is a menace, but disappointment’s a whole different league.

Her living room is already small, but it feels more stifling than usual. Sooyoung wants to open a window, or maybe the door and just run out. Whichever it is, she just wants to escape this feeling of walls closing in.

Even after all this, she still feels too much for Jiwoo, still so wrapped up in her.  

(Infatuation is an unabating critter, dogged in its pursuit and unwavering in its existence, desperate to evolve into love.)

Sooyoung knows that because the promise she made to fulfill all of Jiwoo’s wishes still lingers in her mind and she’s troubled by the fact that she can’t fulfill one of them.

“Maybe I’m just a bad genie, but you’re making it very hard for me to have faith in you,” she murmurs quietly.

She had trusted Jiwoo enough to hang out with Jungeun when they wanted to, thinking they were making progress with post-breakup friendship, but that trust is out the window now. Are relationships always this fragile? Sooyoung should’ve known.

She wishes Jiwoo wouldn’t be so transparent right now, because all the guilt, shame, or remorse she feels shows on her face all too well. It does something to her. After all, she never liked seeing Jiwoo this way, it was why she created such a thing like OJ in the first place.

Operation Jiwoobilation. God, all of that feels so silly now.  

“I know I betrayed your trust,” Jiwoo pauses to her lips, “and I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.”

There’s conviction in Jiwoo’s words, but Sooyoung finds it in her to have the strength to stop herself from just forgiving the girl on the spot. It’d just heighten her humiliation if she reveals how weak she is to Jiwoo now. The last thing she needs is to give that critter a turn at the control panel again.

She straightens her back. She can navigate this. She’s Ha Sooyoung.

Have some ing backbone, Ha Sooyoung!

And so she listens to that inner voice, and doing her best to gather herself, she picks up and pieces together all her shattered courage. Sooyoung swallows thickly.  

“You should go home, Jiwoo,” she says, tone as steely as her eyes. In front of her, Jiwoo looks smaller than an ant.  

The girl doesn’t seem that surprised at being kicked out. “Sooyoung…I didn’t mean for this to happen. I’m sorry.”

Even after all that’s been said, there’s an honest ring of sincerity in her apology, more so than all her previous ones. Sometimes, you can’t control what you do – Sooyoung knows that better than anyone; she’s a pro at making all the wrong choices.

The look on Jiwoo’s face propels Sooyoung to soften her tone.

(Infatuation, after all, is just as compelling as humiliation.)

“I know you are. Just…sort it out, okay? Should I say it in wish form?” she says, pausing to take a breath. “I wish you could just be honest with yourself, and decide on what you want and what you don’t.”

Summer’s almost over. They can’t play like this forever. Sooyoung knows her limits, when to give up or when to keep going. She’d like to think that it’s easy for her to move on when she knows she has to – but she really doesn’t want to have to give up on Jiwoo.

When Jiwoo doesn’t say anything, Sooyoung walks over to the door and opens it. Much to her immense disappointment, the outdoor draft doesn’t do anything to lift the heaviness in the room.

“Jiwoo. Tell me you’ll at least fulfill that wish for me.”

Jiwoo glances at her, returning her gaze. “…I will. I promise.”

“Okay. Then,” Sooyoung pauses, “I’ll see you in three days for SolsticeFest.”

Jiwoo’s visibly conflicted and Sooyoung can tell the girl is struggling between staying to fruitlessly defend herself and apologize, or doing as Sooyoung advises and walk out.

Sooyoung prays for the latter. She doesn’t really want to listen to this anymore. Much to her relief, Jiwoo leaves, but only after glancing at her, almost as if she could read Sooyoung’s mind and see what the critters are telling her to do. It’s funny; they know each other far too well by now, yet at the same time, Sooyoung feels like there’s still so much she can’t read from Jiwoo.

The click of the lock when she closes the door is both unsettling and relieving.

Once she’s alone, Sooyoung opens a window and sticks her head out. The breeze sweeps her hair past her shoulders, but it does nothing to rid her of the tight feeling in her chest, nor abate the displeasing feelings plaguing her mind.

What can she do if Jiwoo still has feelings for Jungeun and all of this was pointless? What can she do if she isn’t what Jiwoo wants?

She can’t do anything.

So much for confessing on festival day. Having suddenly lost all the courage and energy to do it, Sooyoung considers that maybe she’s not the spunky go-getter that she – and everyone else – thinks she is.

I thought I’ve got it all figured out.

The voices of her head dissipate; they were only there to keep her amused at first, entertainment for her stay on cloud nine. Now that she’s back on solid ground, there’s no reason for the imaginary critters to play around in her head anymore.

Like OJ, they were only a childish creation of her impulsive happiness. Sooyoung got carried away with her feelings, lulled into a false sense of complacency. It’s not often she falls from her place at the top of the world, but maybe she needs to humble herself from now on.

Her terribly oiled thought machine sputters and buzzes back to life with a dull hum.

Idiot. I’m just an idiot.

3 days until SolsticeFest. Sooyoung’s starting to wish she never kept count.

a/n: alas, the angst. thanks for reading! catch me on twitter & cc