There’s this age-old proverb that stands the test of time, considered cliché and foolishly ambitious at worst, but pure wisdom at best: fake it ‘til you make it.

The very foundation to making fake relationships work, its succinct simplicity is what makes it so enduring and impactful. It’s self-explanatory: imitate confidence and competence and positivity and as such, they will materialise. Like an armless, helping hand appearing out of thin air to shove you from behind, jolting you to a realisation that hell, you can do this.

So hey, let’s give that a shot: despite the heartbreaking news of Jiwoo kissing Jungeun, there’s still a chance Sooyoung can come out of SolsticeFest feeling good, if she tries to look at things optimistically. If she believes it, she will.

However, in her attempt to curb pessimism by focusing on only the positive thoughts, she keeps ending up with just having no thoughts at all. So, she’s been trying to spin that positively too: better to not think about it at all, than to think about it negatively.

(It’s a winding rabbit hole, but Sooyoung can’t really bring herself to face it. Keep faking it, she tells herself, just keep going ‘til you’re not faking it anymore.)

Too bad it’s hard to ignore all the bad thoughts, though, when Jiwoo keeps texting her. Sooyoung had been doing a fantastic job of snubbing the girl, but Jiwoo’s been trying so hard to patch things up that it doesn’t take long for Sooyoung to give in and start replying.

Just straightforward one-word answers though. Sooyoung still has to maintain her dignity.

(Or so she tells herself.)

How are you? Jiwoo would ask one morning. Alright, Sooyoung would respond eight hours later (though she’d see the notification eight hours earlier). I’m sorry, Jiwoo would text often. I know, Sooyoung would send every time.

She still doesn’t understand what exactly Jiwoo’s apologising for, whether it’s for crushing her hopes or for failing to fulfill the goals of this entire fake dating thing. Maybe it’s both.

But to Sooyoung, one thing’s for sure, and it’s the fact that her expectation for something more to come out of this whole thing had seemingly been too idealistic all along. How can she fake optimism at this point?

She finds one-sided feelings more embarrassing than hurtful. Or maybe she’s just too fearful of being hurt and too prideful to admit she feels hurt.

See, fake dating was fun at first, until real feelings got involved – typical, that’s how all these things go, from the fictional stories to the teen romance films. Sooyoung really should’ve seen this coming. Maybe if she had just heeded the fine print in the first place; they did warn her from the start, after all.

Her phone rings. For once, she’s hoping it’s not Jiwoo.

Sooyoung breathes out a sigh of relief when she sees ‘spookytown’s saving grace’ flashing across her screen and answers the call.

“Sooyoung!” the other girl greets, sounding far too bright at this ungodly hour of– Sooyoung checks the time– 12:13PM. She still hasn’t dragged herself out of bed, leaving her limbs entangled in disheveled sheets. She was hoping they’d move on their own, but they’re still exactly where she last left them.

“Good morning Chaewon.”

“It’s past noon.” Something in her voice must’ve been telling because Chaewon catches on to it scarily fast. “What’s wrong? You sound sad.”

“I’m not…” Sooyoung says in a tone that completely betrays her words, “what’s up? Why are you calling?”

“You sound like your dog just died. Are you okay? What happened? Did you lose the tickets? Because I swear, those cost me an arm and a leg!“

“I didn’t! I already gave them to Jiwoo,” Sooyoung interjects. “Did they really cost you an arm and a leg?”

“Oh, you did? Okay, good. Um…I was kidding, it’s called a hyperbole, Sooyoung. I still have all my appendages."

“Chaewon, just tell me how much they were. Was it bribery? Sold your soul to the devil? Killed someone? Do you need any bail money?”

“I’m not going to prison!” From the other end, Chaewon huffs out a frustrated groan. “Yet. Haha. Joking. I mean you don’t owe me anything.”

“But I do.”

“You really don’t. Consider this an act of generosity from an saint. If you want to so bad, you can repay me by having a blast at SolsticeFest with Jiwoo. And I am not taking no for an answer.”

Sooyoung gives her a sigh in reply. “Are you sure?”

“Do I sound unsure?” Chaewon’s authoritative voice isn’t very intimidating.

Sooyoung concedes anyway. “…Fine.”

“Now that I’ve made it clear that I don’t want your filthy cash, want to tell me what’s going on? I’m calling because Jiwoo seems really bothered by something, but she won’t tell us, so I wonder if you know anything.”

Sooyoung shrugs, to no one in particular but herself. “Well…if she doesn’t want to tell you, then I don’t think there’s much I can tell you either.” 

“You’re keeping things from us now?! And by ‘us’ I mean Hyunjin and I, because Heejin clearly knows something too. We Scorpios are not blind, you know. We’re bloodhounds. We can sniff things out from a kilometre away.”

 “I can’t, Chaewon,” Sooyoung murmurs. She doesn’t want to tell her if Jiwoo doesn’t want her to know.

“Well, I do not want you two going to SolsticeFest with such sour moods, so if I need to waterboard someone, just tell me.”

“Water– what? No, Chaewon, chill. No waterboarding.”

Maybe not telling them is the wiser idea – for now, at least. The last thing they need is to feed the fire some more, and what better fire feeders than Chaewon and Hyunjin.

Through the line, Sooyoung hears a heavy sigh. She can’t help but sympathise with Chaewon. Jiwoo really is far too ironclad for her own good sometimes.

“Everything’s fine, Chaewon,” Sooyoung says, putting on her best reassurance voice. “We’re going to have a blast at SolsticeFest.”

“…Sounds fake.”

Sooyoung can already picture the girl from the other end: narrowed, shifty eyes with her arms folded across her chest, her usual look when she thinks her 700 billion braincells are onto something.

“Please don’t worry about it.” Sooyoung wracks her head for ways to ease Chaewon’s concern. “Just nervous, I guess.” There, not the complete truth, neither is it a complete lie.

She hears a snicker. “Wait, you? Nervous? Over a girl?! OVER JIWOO?!!” Chaewon’s voice gets so high, Sooyoung has to pull the phone away from her ear, bringing it back just in time to hear Chaewon call her a ‘lovestruck puppy’.

Sooyoung groans. “Shhh…”

If not even Chaewon, self-proclaimed psychic, can read past Sooyoung’s confident exterior and consider that maybe she’s got her own insecurities and reservations, then it just goes to show how far Sooyoung has gotten with faking it ‘til she makes it.

Chaewon’s laughing now and truthfully, Sooyoung’s just relieved the interrogation has seemingly come to an end. “Everything will be okay.” Now it’s Chaewon reassuring her. “This is the last spurt before the finish line, just give everything you have! Oh, and Jungeun’s going to be there so, like, you really can’t crash and burn now.”

Sooyoung shoots up from her bed.

Oh, dear Chaewon, if only you knew.

“Wait, are you serious? She doesn’t even go to our school! How’d she get in?!”

“Her cousin’s part of the organizing committee and got her a ticket.”

“You’ve gotta be kidding me.”

“I wish I was joking."

"Why would she even go?" 

"Dunno. Sounds like a terribly convenient plot device to get you guys in the same place, right?”

“What?”

“Nothing.”

Sooyoung narrows her eyes. “Does Jiwoo know?”

“I didn’t tell her. Like I said, she seems to have a lot on her mind. I’m guessing it’s got something to do with Jungeun. I figured I should just tell you.”

Sooyoung can only hum. Damn, Scorpios and their intuition.

“Anyway!” Chaewon’s voice comes through again, sounding chirpier than before, “oy vey, this sounds like a recipe for trouble, but whatever happens, just know I’m rooting for you. Promise me you two will stay out of Jungeun’s way, okay? PROMISE?”

Sooyoung rolls her eyes, but a smile plays lazily on her lips at Chaewon’s sincerity. “I promise.”

“Good. You two have fun, stay safe, and don’t do anything you can’t do!”   

With that, the phone call ends without another word. Chaewon’s got a knack for making everything she says sound like a premonition, but Sooyoung shrugs it off and congratulates herself for managing to keep it together. Well, now she has to have a blast or else she’ll feel eternal guilt for breaking a promise with someone who sacrificed god-knows-what for her.

It’s downright unfortunate that Sooyoung still feels like oo the ing fool over this whole Jiwoo-and-Jungeun-kissed fiasco, but it does put her mind at rest finding out just how bothered Jiwoo actually feels, enough that her friends are worrying about her. It’s like there’s comfort in knowing that the girl really does hold immense remorse over her mistake, that her apology texts and attempts at reaching out are sincere, and it shows even if Jiwoo isn't being specific. 

And alright, maybe it inspires a tiny ray of hope in Sooyoung.

(Because after all, her feelings for Jiwoo are still there, alive and resounding, no matter her attempts to quell them out of embarrassment. And they’ll probably be there for a while, even long after this summer is over.

Sooyoung’s a dweller when it comes to her emotions, no matter how much she thinks otherwise.)

Last spurt, Chaewon had said. Sooyoung debates whether she should hand over the reins to her impulsivity and let her feelings dictate her actions, like what she is so used to doing, what she had always done before Jiwoo entered her life and put a wedge in her routine.

Or if she should think things through, which is what she has learned to do all summer. And it’d be such a shame to throw all that progress away after working so hard to better herself.

Sooyoung has a lot to think about. But for now, the goal to prioritise is clear: try to at least have fun at SolsticeFest. For Chaewon, at least, and what she has possibly given up to get her and Jiwoo those tickets.

The secret to Sooyoung’s achievements?

She read it online once: success is about how one leverages their skills, or lack thereof. Faking it until you make it isn’t just a cliché, it’s a motto to live by, something Sooyoung dutifully follows.

Over the years, she’s gotten quite good at faking proficiency in whatever it is she needs to do in order to achieve a goal. It was more of an adaptation strategy, really, borne out of her impulsive tendencies landing her in unexpected situations that she needed to pull herself out of, somehow, someway.

It may not exactly be foolproof, but it can be convincing enough if you’re good at it. And at this point? Sooyoung’s a goddamn expert.

Honing her skill for faking it ‘til she makes it, the adage has worked for Sooyoung in miraculous ways. It has gotten her numbers from girls, 90s in her classes, an executive position in the dance club, loyalty from friends and juniors, and jobs that she never would’ve been able to get otherwise (like a fake dating stint with a really cute girl).

So, acting like nothing has happened in the past three days? No problem. Ha Sooyoung’s totally got this. Selective memory loss, boom, in a snap of her fingers. As long as she sees it as a necessary step to achieving her primary goal of making SolsticeFest worth her time. 

It’s totally logical. To Sooyoung, at least. Her one-track mindset comes in handy at times like these. 

And just like that, everything’s back to normal: her and Jiwoo are the happiest couple on campus again. No kissing other girls here, nope. 

They are totally a-okay. Right, Sooyoung? 

I've been doing this fake dating act the entire summer. This is cakewalk. 

It’s weird, of course, so even when she goes to pick up Jiwoo with the softest smile on her pretty lips, the look Jiwoo sends her way remains an uneasy one, moreso after Sooyoung leans over the console to plant a brief hello kiss on Jiwoo’s cheek the second she sits in the passenger’s seat.

It must be really weird, considering Sooyoung’s communication in the past three days has consisted only of succinct, emoji-less replies.

And suddenly, here she was, looking at Jiwoo like she hung the moon. It's funny, maybe scary, how quick she can ease into this.

“Sooyoung…are you okay?” Jiwoo asks, breaking the verbal silence ten minutes into their car ride. The timidness in her voice sounds amusing over the upbeat, beachy EDM coming out of the radio.

She takes this as a blessed opportunity to lower the volume of whatever Ultimate Summer Vibes Mix 2019 playlist was blasting from her car speakers (god, she’s been waiting to do that for ten minutes, but radio silence inside the tiny vehicle still seemed far more suffocating than tropical house).

“What was that?”

Jiwoo coughs, shifting in her seat. “I asked if you’re okay.”

“Never better. Why, do I look sick?”

“No, no, it’s just…you’re acting kind of weird…”

(Okay, so maybe Sooyoung’s ‘selective memory loss’ is more of a ‘shove-an-elephant-under-the-rug’ kind of thing and, as anyone might guess, it’s really not easy to hide an elephant under a rug.)

From the corner of her eye, she sees Jiwoo thickly swallow. “Listen…I wanted to tell you something about Jungeun and I-“

Nope, echoes a voice in Sooyoung’s head, not right now, please, not right now. Today is a Jungeun-free day. 

“It’s okay,” Sooyoung interjects with a shake of her head. “You don’t have to bring it up. Let’s save that for another day or- I don’t know. But for now, just…forget about it.”

Smooth, Sooyoung. If she claims to have mastered the art of faking it ‘til you make it, then this will be her toughest challenge yet. She figures if they can just push recent events to the backburner, they – well, she – can get through the day alright.

(But really, there’s a fact that she doesn’t want to admit: the cut is still fresh, she’s still dealing with it, and Sooyoung just really, really doesn’t want to be reminded of what happened, despite the fact that she left the argument making Jiwoo promise that she’d make up her mind.

Maybe she already has. But Sooyoung doesn’t have it in her to listen to the answer just yet, still far too fearful of what it could be.)

She feels like a coward and she hates every minute of it. But what can she do? Sooyoung settles for what she can: if it takes ignoring the issue – for now – to convincingly fake an excited mood for SolsticeFest, then so be it.  

She keeps her eyes straight ahead, even when they stop at a red light, but from the corner of her eye, she can see Jiwoo’s eyes are settled firmly on her.

Jiwoo speaks up, again. “I just don’t want you to get the wrong idea-“

Sooyoung interjects, yet again, not letting Jiwoo get another word in. “It’s fine,” she says, taking in a deep breath, “listen, it’s SolsticeFest day and you’ve been looking forward to this for ages. Let’s just enjoy our day, okay...?”

Sooyoung, as impenetrable as she is with her exterior, has cracks that emerge when she has truly felt wounded, triggering an onslaught of ready defence mechanisms to guard her exposed interior. One of those guards just happens to involve shutting the other person out, ridding them the opportunity and right to plead for themselves. She's quite skilled at cutting them off and changing topics. Far too focused on her own self, Sooyoung often becomes out of tune with those around her.

When Jiwoo doesn’t say anything, Sooyoung glances over and finds her still looking at her. The mix of worry and remorse in Jiwoo’s eyes is almost pitiful, striking a chord within Sooyoung.

She never liked seeing Jiwoo like this, no matter the situation.

(Because every bit of Jiwoo is infectious; from her bright grins down to her gloomy frowns.

But Sooyoung doesn’t want to be sad today. She’s already been sad for the past few days.)

She sighs, reaching over to grab Jiwoo’s hands and giving it a reassuring squeeze. “I know you feel bad about what happened, but I swear, I’m okay,” (maybe if she says it often enough, she’ll believe it too), “and I understand.”

Jiwoo’s eyebrows come to meet at the middle. “But I want you to know that I-“

“Jiwoo,” Sooyoung interrupts for hopefully the last time as she curves her lips up into a small smile, “I wish you’ll just let loose and have fun with me today.”

Jiwoo purses her lips and Sooyoung represses the completely unwelcome, ill-advised urge to lean in and plant a kiss on them because god, even with all that’s happened, her impulsivity lingers in the back of her head like a wolf hounding its prey, ready to lunge if not for the collar around its neck.

(Is she truly this inadequate with her feelings? Sooyoung’s embarrassed at the realisation of it. Jiwoo has revealed sides of her she never imagined she could have.)

“Promise me?”

“Fine...” Jiwoo concedes with a sigh, “but eventually, we'll have to talk abou-“

A jarring interruption by way of car horn cuts off Jiwoo’s words. Oh, the light has turned green.

Sooyoung lets go of Jiwoo’s hand and returns her focus to driving. Seems like outside forces are on her side today.

Even if it’s not at all her cup of tea, Sooyoung at least understands the appeal of SolsticeFest.

The atmosphere’s beyond euphoric. Like really, it’s just one big party. Besides, who knew the school campus – typically littered with undergraduate zombies and the suffocating miasma of stress – was ever capable of being this joyous?

Carnivals and fairs are a family affair; there, one would find both young and old, parents and kids and grandparents and cousins and first-cousins-once-removed. SolsticeFest, on the other hand, is exactly what anyone would expect from a gathering of late teens and twenty-somethings who are given the go (by administration, somehow) to rid themselves of any and every inhibition.

Sure, they have a few things in common; inflatable bounce castles and rigged carnival games, for instance. Except instead of ten-year-olds, the castles have sloshed shirtless bouncers, bare chests and arms streaked with the university’s colours. And the carnival games are crude, with bikini-clad caricatures being knocked down with baseballs rather than innocent-looking clowns.

(And only to college students does “at last year’s SolsticeFest, the paramedics responded to 34 patients, 20 of them intoxicated, 2 drug overdoses, and 7 traumatic injuries while the police reported 6 arrests, 11 charges, and issued 76 warnings” sounds like the dictionary definition of ‘fun’.)

It’s loud, it’s boisterous, and perhaps it’s a new circle of hell for every introvert, but with smiles all around, not a care in the world, and ‘WOOWA’ by DIA looping on the speakers for the seventh time, SolsticeFest is also, understandably, an absolute blast.

Loud and crowded places aren’t her thing, but even Sooyoung finds herself smiling mere seconds after entering the fenced-off fest. This is good; faking a mood is much easier when the energy is already so infectious.

SolsticeFest is exactly what everyone expects it to be, which is why she doesn’t understand why Jiwoo’s face lacks its usual, youthful glow of excitement.

Sooyoung notices her staring intently while she munches hungrily on her hotdog, which Jiwoo insisted on paying for. They’re seated by a food cart at a quieter part of the event – well, as quiet as SolsticeFest could get. Which is above family-outdoor-BBQ, but just below frat-house-outdoor-BBQ.

“Want some?” she asks, offering the hotdog. Jiwoo only stares at it for a few seconds before taking a massive bite, drawing a chuckle from Sooyoung. She knew the girl looked hungry.

She sighs as she watches Jiwoo chew, cheeks puffed out like a chipmunk.

“…You promised me you’d have fun.”

Jiwoo still has food inside one of her cheeks when she garbles out an answer. “I am!”

“No, you’re holding yourself back. I can tell,” Sooyoung says before taking a bite out of her hotdog.

“I’m not! I swear,” Jiwoo answers with narrowed eyes, “are you undermining my wish granting skills?”

Sooyoung rolls her eyes playfully. “Alright, if you say so.”

She really, really wants Jiwoo to have fun. That’s a genuine wish. Sooyoung knows how much she’s been looking forward to this all summer, so she doesn’t want recent happenings to dampen their initial goals. No matter how totally crushing those happenings are, Sooyoung set her sights a long time ago and she has no intention of failing to fulfill them.

But Jiwoo keeps acting too awkwardly, staring at her instead of the sights around them, brushing her hand against Sooyoung’s when they walk, refusing to get in line for rides in favour of staying by Sooyoung’s side, and insisting to pay for any and every disgusting fair food that catches Sooyoung’s eye.

Jiwoo’s giving her all of the attention in the world and while this would usually render Sooyoung into a hopeless pile of lovesick endearment, it’s just a little odd when they’re in the middle of something Jiwoo’s been dying to go to. There are a million sights to steal her attention, and yet…

“Can I ask you something?”

Sooyoung glances at Jiwoo, acutely aware of how their legs touch beneath the table.  

“How are you so good at this relationship stuff? You must’ve like…dated a lot of people before, right?” Jiwoo asks. She’s been looking intently for a while, Sooyoung just pretended not to notice.

Sooyoung shakes her head with a small smile. “I don’t know what you expected, but contrary to popular belief, I have never been a serial dater…” she admits. “Two exes. That’s it.”

The look of shock on Jiwoo’s face is amusing, to say the least. That’s something she’s quite good at, as Sooyoung has noticed: when to hide and show genuine feelings.

Jiwoo’s eyes expand into widened surprise, eyebrows lifting in suspicion. “No way. For real? You’ve only ever been with two girls in your entire life?”

“Don’t look so surprised.” Sooyoung laughs.

Her resume may have pages after pages of dating experience, but relationship experience? That’s a whole different section, one much shorter. Sure, she’s had her fair share of college flings and things that were something but not really anything. But of all the girls she’s ever been involved with, Sooyoung only categorizes two into the ‘Real Relationship’ category.

(It’s a category that doesn’t have much criterion, aside from how Sooyoung feels about them. Totally subjective, but it’s valid to her nonetheless; a convoluted, something-only-Sooyoung-understands litmus test of sorts that she takes pretty seriously.)

“Can you tell me about them?” Jiwoo asks tentatively.

Sooyoung’s glance towards her only lasts for a moment and she’s careful not to stare any longer, afraid she’ll repel Jiwoo just as they were finally starting to strike up a conversation. All day, Sooyoung’s been hankering for any semblance of normality between the two of them again, even if just temporary.

That’s what SolsticeFest is supposed to be, too; a temporary respite from the storm of stress.  

Luckily, Jiwoo’s blatant curiosity has always been so inviting anyway.

“In third grade, my seatmate asked me to marry her,” Sooyoung starts, chuckling at the way Jiwoo’s eyes consequently narrow in disbelief.

Storytime: the innocent Haseul Debacle.

Sooyoung’s third grade class was swept up in an innocent trend of playing house. It was a fever pitch of ten year olds passionately pretending to be adults.

Since third graders wholeheartedly believed that married couples are the foundation of every household, wedding bells would ring every other day as literal kids pretended to get hitched for the s and giggles. It didn’t help that their teacher was a completely willing accomplice, taking on the role of officiant because she thought this was a cute way to facilitate class cooperation and teach family dynamics.

Or something like that.

As expected within the inescapable trap of hetenormativity, there were boy-girl nuclear families popping up all over the classroom.

“But one person broke free from those awful snares and proposed to me,” Sooyoung explains as the memory of her seatmate Haseul giving her a toothy smile materialised in her head, “by way of banana milk and a Dooly pencil. I knew it was legit because she never let anyone touch her Dooly accessories, except me after we married, of course. She made me feel very special.”

Jiwoo can’t help but laugh, the corner of her eyes crinkling. “Sounds like true love.”

“Maybe that was my gay awakening,” Sooyoung jokes, “because I said yes and it always made me so happy listening to her proudly call me her wife, even with all our classmates’ attempts to invalidate our totally valid matrimonial union.”

“Your teacher really agreed to marry you two?”

“Oh, no, that witch refused,” Sooyoung replies with a scrunch of her nose, “it was valid because I said so! We remained husband-less in everyone’s eyes, but she still called me her wife when it was just the two of us…”

“That’s so cute,” Jiwoo says endearingly before her smile twists into a lopsided one. “Wait, are you saying your third-grade seatmate was your first ex?! Are you kidding?”

“Yeah! No, I’m not kidding!” Sooyoung retorts, “well, we were babies. But I liked her! I remember giggling whenever she kissed me on the cheek! We were real and we were genuine, no one can discount that otherwise.”

Jiwoo breaks into a wide grin. “Fine, fine,” she says, resting her chin on her hand, “but are you still technically married to her?”

“She moved away after third grade. We had a pretty dramatic divorce because of it too, like she didn’t even invite me to her farewell party. We were over.” Hence, the ‘debacle’ status.

Jiwoo plays along. “Oh, yeah, that’s definitely grounds for divorce. Total deal breaker.”

Sooyoung smiles, both wistful and amused at the memory of her third-grade memory. “I remember being so mad at her for leaving me, I threw a fit. I didn’t have any other friends. I thought it was so unfair to me…” She shakes her head. “My annoying, little entitled .”

“All kids are like that,” Jiwoo tells her with a small smile. “What about your second ex…?”

“Ah. Her,” Sooyoung starts, finishing her hotdog in one bite.

Storytime: the turbulent Vivi Debacle.

Sooyoung’s last relationship was a rocky on-and-off with an upperclassman named Vivi that took up a chunk of her freshman year. With her stubby little digits, she could probably try to count how many times they broke up and got back together, a task made more difficult by the blurry lines that defined much of their relationship.

“I was inexperienced and she wasn’t, but she was really into me. Because you know, I’m a bit of a catch.” Sooyoung shoots Jiwoo a cheeky wink and it’s reciprocated with an amused eye roll.

“Just a bit. What happened?”

Sooyoung shrugs a little. “We were on different wavelengths, had different goals and expectations, I guess. This sounds totally cheesy, but we just weren’t…meant to be?”

Jiwoo nods slowly, contemplating over her words. It’s then that something clicks in Sooyoung’s mind.

“It was a tough pill to swallow, but at some point in the relationship, I realised we were just grasping for straws and that trying to make it work was pointless. We were far better off as friends. I just wish we realised that sooner because by the time we broke up for the last time, too much stuff had happened between us,” Sooyoung recounts. She knows now that no amount of faking could’ve fixed the broken bridges with Vivi. “I haven’t really talked to her since, but it’s not good to haul around emotional baggage, so we patched things up as best as we could. We’re still awkward, though…I don’t know if we’ll ever go back to being normal friends.”

She’s never really had the chance to talk this intimately about her previous relationships and where they went wrong. Sooyoung isn’t one to dwell in her past, especially with decisions she has made, because she was afraid of having regrets.

But she has certainly spent a lot of time reflecting about her old relationships and what she has learned from them. When it comes to her view of things, nothing’s ever a waste.

“That must be tough if you two were so close,” Jiwoo empathises with a small frown.

“…I don’t want that to happen to you and Jungeun,” Sooyoung shares. And she means it.

She wants Jiwoo, but she doesn’t want to wreck a friendship in the process. That type of connection isn’t one two people can just easily replicate after a fallout, with that much history and emotions cutting to the core. Sooyoung knows that firsthand.

Somehow, her sentiment rings clear over the chaos of the fest around them. Amidst the blaring pop songs, deafening airhorns, and the whoops of hyped-up college students, their conversation is a glimpse of earnest candidness even in the most unlikely setting. 

Jiwoo’s a wonderful listener, as Sooyoung has learned. She takes in every word that leaves Sooyoung’s tongue and reacts honestly, which is why her gaze falls to the table at the first mention of her and Jungeun. Even when she's gotten good at showing what she wants to show, sometimes her true feelings sneak past the guards.

Suddenly, someone bumps into their table and drops his ice cream. Jiwoo lets out a reactionary gasp. The guy blurts out a few ugly curses, picking up the cone before grossly wiping the sticky mess on the table with his shirt. He stumbles away shouting haphazard apologies over his shoulder.

Well. What a totally disgusting reminder of where they are.

Sooyoung sighs, and then lets out a chuckle. “Okay, enough about me. This outing is supposed to be all about you,” she says, “we’re surrounded by games and rides and deliciously unhealthy fried food, and we’re here talking about my exes?”

Sooyoung didn’t know what to expect from today and a crash course on her unexpectedly ordinary love life certainly wasn’t one of them, but it helps keep her mind off other things.

At the change of Sooyoung’s tone, the look of Jiwoo’s brooding troubles is replaced by a small, timid smile. “Hey, SolsticeFest isn’t just about the rides and the food. It’s a group occasion, it’s about spending time with the people you’re with. That’s part of the fun, and why I was so excited for it. I never would’ve come here alone, you know.”

Sooyoung suddenly feels apologetic, realising that Jiwoo probably would’ve wanted to be here with her friends rather than her, and voices her worries.

“Stop that!” Jiwoo retorts, reaching over to playfully hit her on the arm, “I never once said I didn’t want to spend SolsticeFest with you. So don’t say that! It’s ridiculous that you’d even apologise for something like that. You're here and I'm happy about that, so don't you dare...”

Seeing the pout on Jiwoo’s lips pulling down the rest of her features in childish disappointment, Sooyoung lightly chuckles. “Okay, okay! Cheer up, I’m here!”

Jiwoo brightens at her words. “Yeah, you are,” she says softly. “You’re here.”

They sit there, letting the noise of SolsticeFest play over the settling silence between them. Sooyoung’s nodding her head along to ‘WOOWA’ (she has lost count of how many times it has replayed, not that she’s compaining) when Jiwoo speaks up.

“I still don’t get it,” she says with a tilt of her head, “two relationships in your entire life.”

“You find it that hard to believe? Jiwoo, I'm 22, not 40. This is normal!” 

“No, I know, it's just- well, you’re a total dreamboat with a great personality and you’re good with people,” Jiwoo blurts out.

Sooyoung lets out an uncharacteristic snort.

A bright red flustered hue flashes across Jiwoo’s face. “I-I mean, you're just so good at this relationship stuff and I don't know, maybe it's because I've only ever been with one other person, but you seem like you have the experience and since you must have a lot of girls chasing after you, it's just…nevermind." She shuts her eyes in embarrassment. "I'm just making dumb assumptions. I don’t know what I’m talking about. I'm sorry.”

“Oh, but I do have a lot of admirers though?” Sooyoung teases. (Would she ever stop someone from flattering her? Of course not. Came out of their mouth, not hers!)

But truthfully, Jiwoo’s assumptions aren’t new to her ears. Building an exterior isn’t just about having a solid understanding of her strengths and weaknesses, it’s also about being well-aware of what people think of her. And Sooyoung knows of all her rumours on the grapevine, from womanising narcissist to a skirt-chaser with commitment issues. It’s a colourful variety, but they all tout the same idea: Ha Sooyoung, player. It's misinformed and rash; gossipers aren't very original around here.  

“For the record, I’m far from being the hit-it-and-quit-it type, if that’s what you’re thinking,” she says.  

Well, that’s one way to get to the point.

Jiwoo raises her eyebrows. “I- what? No, I didn’t- I never,” she stammers, looking for the right words to say, “I never thought that...”

Sooyoung rarely feels like she owes others an explanation, but if she had to quell the rumours to anyone, it’d be Jiwoo. “It’s okay if you did. But trust me, my love life is as regular as everyone else’s.”

“I didn't," Jiwoo tells her, looking at her straight in the eyes in a way that makes it hard for Sooyoung to look away. "It’s just that you’re so good at everything you do,” she adds in a small voice, “and getting to know you, you’re just…so much more than you seem, I guess.”

Sooyoung laughs this time. “I have my shortcomings too. But yeah, well, you know what they say…don’t judge a book by its cover,” she points to herself, “and this book has lots of chapters to be read.”

Jiwoo raises her eyebrows, slightly taken aback, before breaking into a fit of giggles. Sooyoung laughs along, too amused to realise how really, really lame she sounded just now. But she always liked how she never felt embarrassed around Jiwoo, that lack of shame from showing her sides she never shows to other people who only see her carefully crafted fronts. 

“Does it? You know, I’ve always been an avid reader. I like a good book.”

And when Jiwoo plays along like this, Sooyoung’s reminded of how comforting it is to be around her.

Sooyoung smirks. “Really? You want to keep reading?”

Jiwoo’s smile fades into a sincere look. “I do.”

It’s just two words, but there’s conviction in her tone, a wonder behind her words, that startles Sooyoung for just a second.

She cracks a smile, curious at the implications of Jiwoo’s reply, but decides against dwelling on it any longer.

“Are you well rested now? Come on, let’s get off our asses and walk around,” Sooyoung urges, rising from the table, “I know you want to try dunking the business department’s student council president. You stare at it longingly every time we pass by. This is the only opportunity you’ll get all year to have the upper hand on your senior.”

Jiwoo breaks into a wide grin, nearly jumping to her feet. She nearly collides into Sooyoung when she skips to her side, looping an arm around hers.

Maybe SolsticeFest won’t be so bad after all. Sooyoung finds her feet moving on their own and her lips stretching without her realising.

Perhaps she has faked happiness and excitement so well that she’s convinced herself - or maybe for the first time today, her uplifted mood is genuine.

She isn’t sure, but does it really matter? Sooyoung’s enjoying herself nevertheless, and this is why faking it ‘til you make it works in her books.

“Grrr…” Jiwoo lowly growls.

Her head makes a worrying noise when it hits the glass for the fifth time in a row. She looks absolutely defeated, shoulders slumped over, but her blazing eyes beg to differ as they stare through the glass, glaring daggers at the plushie. The baby penguin inside the claw machine stares back innocently. Tauntingly.

 “Again!” Jiwoo exclaims with a stiff jaw, digging through her shoulder bag for more change.

“You’re going to blow all your change on this,” Sooyoung warns. Contrast to Jiwoo’s tense countenance, Sooyoung’s utterly amused, arms loosely crossed and tips of her lips quirked up in the slightest smile.

“I don’t care.” Jiwoo shoves the coins in, stretching her arms and cracking her neck. “I’m getting that plushie.”

They were just casually passing by the row of claw machines when Sooyoung casually snuck a glance and casually commented on how cute the penguin plushie was, which may or may not have been a subconscious comment revealing just how often Jiwoo’s on her mind.

After that, Jiwoo practically leapt over to the machine and has seemed to have made it her life’s mission to get that plushie for Sooyoung.

Needless to say, she’s endeared. And this seems like something she’d do for Jiwoo. But this isn’t necessary. “You can just buy it for me or something–“

Sooyoung’s words are cut off by Jiwoo’s triumphant shriek. She turns her head and finds the plushie’s in the claw, and then in the hole, and then in Jiwoo’s hands.

Oh. Well, look at that, she's gotten the darn plushie.

The girl’s determined expression has been replaced by a massive grin that fades into a small smile, bashful between glowing cheeks. “Here you go,” Jiwoo says, offering the penguin sitting in her hands to Sooyoung.

Sooyoung sighs, a light chuckle slipping past her lips as she grabs the plushie. “Thanks, Jiwoo.”

Jiwoo’s hands immediately fall to her sides as she rubs the side of her jeans sheepishly. “Anytime,” she breathes out, so only Sooyoung hears it.

Their eyes meet. Sooyoung holds it for a moment and she swears, she’s not the dramatic type, but it feels like everything around them slows for a second, the noise subduing to a muted hum, as Jiwoo looks at her. The warmth in her eyes almost renders Sooyoung speechless.

And then everything's on time again and the noise returns, their moment cut short in the middle of such chaos.

Sooyoung reaches for Jiwoo’s hand. “Come on, let’s go ruin your department head’s day some more.”

A plushie to take home and the faking becomes less of an act.

“Let’s take photos!”

Jiwoo tugs her over to a photobooth, dipping behind the curtains into a suddenly private space. Sooyoung can’t help the slight scowl as she looks around.

“Drunk couples probably make out in here,” she murmurs in disgust, failing to notice the way Jiwoo’s cheeks glow red at her comment.

“Um, well, we’re just here for photos, so smile!” Jiwoo exclaims before flashing the camera a bright grin beneath her crinkling eyes.

The noises of the booth taking photos prompts Sooyoung to pose along. Several things happen in succession: Jiwoo loops an arm around hers, urges her to make a heart with her, before accidentally bumping heads when they lean towards one another. An exchange of giggles, smiles as genuine as ever, they post some more, and then catch each other’s eyes again.

Sooyoung isn’t sure what it is about Jiwoo’s looks today, but her eyes shimmer more than usual. Or maybe it’s just the reflection of the light above them, or the camera flash, or the penetrating energy of SolsticeFest glowing beneath her.

Whatever it is, they’re magnetic, almost tantalising, and Sooyoung finds it hard to look away again, especially when Jiwoo won’t avert her glance either. Is there something in Sooyoung’s eyes that's drawing her in too? Her look of frozen, taken aback wonder?

But then Jiwoo does avert her eyes, but not anywhere far away. In fact, they flicker downwards. Sooyoung belatedly realises that Jiwoo’s looking at her lips.

And then she’s leaning in, inching forward ever so slightly, as Sooyoung remains still as a statue, suspended by the pipe dream feeling of it all.

Jiwoo subconsciously runs a tongue across her bottom lip and Sooyoung feels the hairs on her arms stand at the sight of it. Before she could even comprehend what’s about to happen, the camera flashes and then–

“HURRY UP IN THERE!”

They jolt at the unwelcome interruption, pulling back from each other before their lips could touch. Looking down, Sooyoung sees a pair of legs on the other side of the curtain, one foot tapping the dirt impatiently.

The curtain flies open to a man and a woman dripping in school spirit and blue gear.

Hets…you people ruin everything.

SolsticeFest is good for nothing except interrupting the best moments, it seems.

Sooyoung’s too busy glaring at the couple to notice Jiwoo looking sheepish, the shimmer in her eyes fading into some sort of gray disappointment, or regret, who knows.

“Out, gal pals, it's our turn,” the guy says, jutting a thumb over his shoulder.

Rolling her eyes, Sooyoung leads Jiwoo out of the photobooth. It’s promptly replaced by the two students proceeding to each other’s faces and Jiwoo shuts the curtain with a grimace, as if the two of them weren’t in that same situation (almost) just seconds ago.

Sooyoung grabs the strip of photos from their session. The first one sports blinding grins, the second a big heart over their heads, a few with silly faces, and then them looking into each other’s eyes, like a still from a cheesy romantic movie, except there’s no aquarium separating the two of them. The last photo has Jiwoo edged much closer – Sooyoung didn’t realise she ever got that close – with a steady gaze transfixed on Sooyoung’s lips.

Jiwoo stares at the photos, cheeks tinged with rose.

Sooyoung plasters on a smile, ignoring the warmth blooming in her chest, as she comments, “we look cute.” Then she stuffs the photos in her bag, reaches for Jiwoo’s hand, and pulls her away from the booth.

A photo of them almost kissing to take home, and the faking further feels less like an act.

It takes the business department’s student council president getting dunked three times, two rounds on the ferris wheel, multiple attempts at a rigged ring toss game, along with three cups from three different lemonade stands to keep Jiwoo parched and satisfied, until Sooyoung gets a chance to breathe again.

Having spent most of their time walking aimlessly around the fair in stuffy silence and brushing touches, their candid picnic table conversation from earlier seemed to have shattered the iciness surrounding them. Interestingly, things didn't get weird after the photobooth, but now there was this faint, stirring current coursing between them that had their hands firmly intertwined. 

Soon after, Jiwoo was being her usual bright self again, weaving through people with a cup in one hand and Sooyoung’s in the other.

All was well.

Sooyoung might actually come out of this feeling pretty good. She keeps glancing at her penguin plushie.

“I need to pee,” Jiwoo whines.

“I told you not to drink so much!” 

“But they always make the lemonade look so freakin’ good.”

Sooyoung lets out a small sigh. “Okay, but not the portable toilets...”

“I can’t hold it anymoreeee.”

She’s been trying to keep Jiwoo from using the nasty portable toilets. They passed by the row earlier; one had wretching noises from within, another was occupied by some guy relieving himself with the door wide open, and the one at the end had a couple stumbling out, lips firmly attached.  

Nauseating. Criminal. Unsanitary.  

The two of them veered away immediately, exchanging disgusted frowns.

“I have an idea!” Jiwoo’s face lights up, “I’ll just make a quick run for the social science building.”

“They’re not gonna let you back in once you leave the fair.”

“Found a gap in the fence earlier. I’ll sneak out and sneak back in. Easy,” Jiwoo tells her.

“Look at you breaking the rules,” Sooyoung muses, “should I come with?”

“No, no, you can stay here. I’ll be quick!”

Sooyoung purses her lips, considers throwing out the idea of the two of them just ditching the fair altogether and sneaking out right now, have a stroll around the deserted campus as the sun sets, talk their feelings out in The Practice Room, maybe slink into one of the empty buildings and kiss a little in a vacant lecture hall–

She blinks.

“…stay here, okay? So I can find you again.”

Jiwoo’s voice snatches her attention back from whatever illusory territory it had floated into yet again.

“Alright. Make it quick and don’t get caught,” Sooyoung advises.

Jiwoo squeezes her hands in reassurance before letting go. Sooyoung watches her slip through the spaces, keeping an eye on the back of her head until she loses her in the crowd.

With her attention no longer tethered, Sooyoung reaches an unusual state of unfamiliarity. After all, she’s never been to SolsticeFest, and with no Jiwoo to immerse herself in and keep her busy, she feels too much like a loose buoy drifting pointlessly in the middle of a rough ocean.

Some guy lets out a wailing whoop in her direction before running off to randomly yell at other people and that’s when Sooyoung’s reminded of why she’s always avoided the fair. It's loud, it's crowded, and it's frenzied. It's only been bearable because Jiwoo was with her. The early throb of a coming headache hits her temple. 

That is, until she spots someone looking at her.

Jungeun immediately turns away the second their eyes meet. Sooyoung had almost forgotten that the girl had slithered her way into their notoriously inaccessible SolsticeFest.

And that was all it took.

That exchange of eye contact for a fraction of a second was all it took for Sooyoung to abruptly remember why she’s been feeling so down these past few days.

A nanosecond for Sooyoung to lose all the composure she’s been so carefully taming, break the exterior she’s been faking so well, throw her inhibitions out the window, and march her way over to the girl who had promptly put a massive, halting roadblock on all of their efforts.

Chaewon’s advice from earlier (“promise me you two will stay out of Jungeun’s way”) enters her memory and then exits immediately.

So sorry for this, Chaewon.