Perhaps this is a redundant lesson for some, but banking hard on ‘fake it til you make it’ for literally everything is quite the slippery slope. Sooyoung should know that it’s not exactly the ultimate answer to life, but the advice has been working for her thus far and hey, in her eyes, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, right?

Spoiler alert, though: it’s about to break and reveal itself to be tragically flawed.

But for the moment, all that talk about faking composure has been thrown out the window. Something about seeing Jungeun triggered a switch. Sooyoung is on total autopilot, driven by the very energy she had been suppressing in her award-winning act of ‘faking it’.  

Jungeun doesn’t get a chance to disappear into the crowd because Sooyoung grabs her arm, pulling her away from the group of people she had been with.

“Hey, Jungeun,” Sooyoung greets with an extremely unconvincing front of warmth.

“Hi, Sooyoung…” Jungeun responds timidly, slightly taken aback from being singled out. Unfortunately, she’s got no one to help her escape this situation. “Um, how’s your SolsticeFest going?”

She’s feeling too many things at once, but anger’s the clear frontrunner, now that Jungeun’s in front of her. Sooyoung can only think about what she’s done to Jiwoo in the past and with Jiwoo in the past week.

“Fine until you showed up.”

Jungeun shifts uncomfortably as she puts her hands up in defence. “Listen, I don’t want to cause you any trouble, I’m just here because my cousin–“

“You know, I never really took you for being the homewrecking type, but here we are,” Sooyoung spits, unabashedly. “Now usually, I wouldn’t give a if you went and made out with your ex, but I do have to give a because your ex happens to be my girlfriend.”

“I–“

“You can’t just do that. I don’t know what it is you want or what’s going on inside your head, but you can’t.”

Sooyoung tries and fails at keeping her voice levelled, words armoured with irritation and impulsive brazenness. She has half a mind to pause, take a step back, and reconsider her abruptly inappropriate vitriol, but it seems something ugly has taken over her, a fire she let grow and shunned for the sake of faking it instead of properly snuffing it out.

At her sudden hostility, Jungeun’s eyes are wide. “Sooyoung, I’m sorry–“

“Have you ever been cheated on?”

“Sooyoung–“

“Answer me.”

Jungeun keeps staring at her, a subtle fear running beneath her strong front. “I haven’t, no.”

“It’s pretty ty. You feel both used and useless, and you suddenly lose all trust in the person you trusted the most.”

Jungeun swallows. All her features scream apprehension and guilt, but Sooyoung’s far too consumed by her own feelings to even consider Jungeun’s state.

“I know you’re angry, but this isn’t the place to talk about this, we can step aside and–“

“It , Jungeun, and I’ve worked way too hard to be stepped on and have my efforts spat at, so I’m pissed at Jiwoo and I’m especially pissed at you for waltzing in uninvited and ruining my progress because you couldn’t keep it in your pa–“

“Please don’t blame Jiwoo.”

Jungeun’s interjection has Sooyoung’s impassioned outburst come to a startling halt.

Maybe it was because she had gotten so one-track minded in her anger, but the interruption felt so discordant that Sooyoung immediately loses track of what she had been going on about.

“What?”

Jungeun shifts her weight to her other foot and keeps her gaze firm, unashamed in the way she returned the irate look in Sooyoung’s eyes. She’s got pride, Sooyoung can tell. An immense amount of it.

Sooyoung had gone from a muted anger to full on outrage in a matter of seconds, but Jungeun’s been doing her best to stay calm.

“I know what I did. I messed up. But Jiwoo didn’t do anything wrong. It was all me and I know I shouldn’t have done it, I’m sorry. You can take all your anger out on me, but don’t take it out on Jiwoo.” 

Sooyoung raises her eyebrows, unimpressed. “What’s this, you want to take the fall and be her knight in shining ing armour?” She scoffs. “So valiant, Jungeun, truly, but I’ve already expressed my disappointment to her. I got angry, rightfully, so it’s a little too late for this concern.”

“I’m just admitting that it was all my fault. You can’t give her heat when she doesn’t deserve it,” Jungeun carefully explains with a hushed voice, eyebrows tightly knitted in the middle.  

“No, I get it, you want to defend each other to your graves.” Sooyoung’s voice, on the other hand, grows increasingly exasperated as she barrels on. “But it doesn’t make what happened any less of a mistake, one that neither of you seem to regret. You kissed her and she kissed you back. You two made a choice and you both ed up.”

For Sooyoung, there’s something especially gutting about Jiwoo and Jungeun choosing to adamantly defend each other, going out of their way to ensure that the heat is being steered away from the other person.  

She knows it’s reasonable, hell, it’s even justifiable considering their relationship and history together. They’re best friends, sure, it’s natural to come to each other’s defense – but still, it’s no remedy for her hurt. Is there no place for her feelings?

Perhaps it’s that tiny voice in the back of her head again, resurfacing occasionally to remind her of who Jiwoo’s real priority may be, clouding her optimism with doubt and paranoia and dejection.

“I like Jiwoo a lot, alright?” Sooyoung admits with the steadiest voice she can muster, “I really, really like her. But that doesn’t excuse her from being held accountable for her mistakes. You’re both at fault here, so don’t tell me who to direct my anger towards. I’ll be mad at who I want to be mad at.”

Jungeun shifts uncomfortably on her feet. “I’m sorry, I understand. But look at where we are…” she murmurs, “I really don’t want to argue with you here…”

“We’re just talking.”

(‘Just talking’, like to the mothers of the boys she locked in the Spookytown bathroom; ‘just talking’, like to the teenagers she caught smoking in the Burger King bathroom; ‘just talking’ to her former roommate’s ex-boyfriend who accuses her of ruining their relationship.)

“Then can we just talk elsewhere?”

“Doesn’t really matter where we are, you’ll just continue to spout bull whether we’re by the food carts or outside the ing fences.”

Jungeun shuts her eyes in exasperation. “You’re too stubborn,” she says, “all I’m trying to do right now is protect Jiwoo.”

Sooyoung’s jaw clenches and Jungeun immediately realises that that wasn’t the right thing to say.

“She doesn’t need it! God, it’s like you’re more concerned with protecting Jiwoo than apologising to me, I don’t get it!”

(But you do, Sooyoung, you do get it.

You’d do the same damn thing if it were you.)

At Sooyoung’s rising volume, Jungeun cautiously looks around. “Okay, okay, I know, but please, we shouldn’t make a scene here–“

“You don’t care, do you? You don’t understand what you’ve done? You’re just happy to come here and finally take back Jiwoo for god knows what reason after hurting her the first time?”

“What? No, I said I was sorry! It was a brief kiss, it was stupid, it didn’t mean anything, and it’s not gonna happen again. Is that what you want to hear? I’m sorry! It was meaningless!” Jungeun hurriedly retorts in some thoughtless attempt to calm Sooyoung down.

Sooyoung suddenly feels like she’s arguing with Jiwoo again. All the emotions she was feeling at the time resurfaces before she even realises it.

She can’t fake composure here, no matter how hard she tries.

“It meant something to me,” she mutters, not caring whether Jungeun heard it over the bustle of the fair around them. She makes sure to raise her voice for her next words, though. “You’re still into her, aren’t you?”

Jungeun opens , but doesn’t answer.

“Are you? Because why else would you do this? You can’t just march in and out of her life whenever you want to. Why are you even here, Jungeun?”

“This is my hometown, Sooyoung, and we’re best friends. I wanted to see her. Am I not allowed to do that?”  

“Do you even know how you’ve made her feel? It’s manipulative. You’re being inconsiderate of Jiwoo’s feelings. Of mine, too.”

“I didn’t mean to hurt anyone,” Jungeun murmurs, the regret evident on her face. “I just wanted to…, I don’t know, all I can say is I’m sorry.”

Jungeun’s sincerity falls on deaf ears. Sooyoung on autopilot is far more interested in saying what she wants to say, rather than listening to Jungeun.

Her glare is steely, unshakeable; a cold look conflicting the warm atmosphere of the fest.

“I think you should just leave her alone and get the out of here.”

Jungeun’s eyebrows rise slowly as she can’t help but shake her head. “You’re too…you’re too hot-headed, Sooyoung. I know you probably don’t care about what I have to say, but Jiwoo’s not good with short-tempered people who won’t give her a chance to explain herself.”

“Stop trying to make me the problem here,” Sooyoung retorts. “You don’t get a say in what, or who, is and isn’t good for Jiwoo. How can you call yourself a friend when you clearly don’t know her as well as you think you do?”

Jungeun narrows her eyes, almost in disbelief, as her features slowly twist in offence. She had been trying to remain rational and even-tempered, but Sooyoung is relentless with her barrage of attacks, taunting Jungeun to fight back.

And so she does.

“And you do? You met her for the first time just a few months ago and think you know everything about her?” Jungeun says with a wavering composure, for the first time today, and Sooyoung knows she’s hit a nerve. “Who are you to tell me to leave her alone? You’ve known her for a few months, I’ve known her for years. Know your place.”

Sooyoung falters a bit. Bringing up their existing history is almost like a trump card for Jungeun, but it's unfair to weaponize it because Sooyoung has nothing of the same caliber to fire back with. Still, she pushes through and retaliates. “I’m her girlfriend. You’re the selfish ex. Know your ing place.”

One of those statements isn’t technically true, but Jungeun isn’t supposed to know that. Sooyoung can’t help it, but she shoves a finger into Jungeun’s shoulder. A petty, childish move.

Her finger’s swatted away immediately.

“Doesn’t change the fact that I’ll always know her better than you ever will.”

And again Sooyoung can’t help it, but she laughs – mocking and curt – because of all the time Jungeun has known Jiwoo, she still seems oblivious to what she has put Jiwoo through in the time since she broke off their relationship.

That, or she’s trying to mend her wrongs a couple months too late.

“My god, you’re clueless.” Sooyoung’s grin is wide as she looks around, pointing a taunting finger towards Jungeun. “This girl’s deluded!” she shares with passers-by who only send them a fleeting glance of amusement.

Her reaction obviously does no favours because Jungeun only grows increasingly irritated the more she’s provoked.

And Sooyoung is ceaselessly pushing her buttons.

Jungeun tries again to swat away her finger, but Sooyoung pulls it back in time. “Ah-ah, don’t touch me.”

Sooyoung’s too consumed to notice more and more people stopping to watch them with lingering eyes, eager to catch things escalate.  

Jungeun, on the other hand, is more than aware of the nosy curiosity. She lowers her voice. “Look, if you want to yell at me, fine, I deserve it, but are you literally out of your mind? You’re embarrassing yourself in the middle of a ing school festiva-”

“You’re a joke, Jungeun. I’ve yet to hear a genuine apology from you. I deserve one, don’t you think? What am I to you, aside from being the victim of your selfishness?”

Jungeun’s glare is unfazed. “What you are to me?” She raises an eyebrow. “Hot-headed, rash, and too wrapped up in yourself.”

Sooyoung snickers.

“I think you’re far more concerned over your own thoughts than anyone else’s, even Jiwoo’s. You only care about what you have to say. But you have a way with your words when you’re angry, it’s almost pushy. Overbearing. Aggressive. You don’t listen.”

Sooyoung’s amused smile falls with every word Jungeun sends her way.

“Like I said…I know Jiwoo. I know she’s often stepped on because she always puts other people’s feelings before hers and thinks what others say is the best for her. And you…”

Sooyoung speaks up before Jungeun finishes. “You don’t know me.”

“You’re awfully transparent,” Jungeun grumbles. Hyunjin said the exact same thing to her once. “So if you care about her too, consider letting her choose who she’d rather be with,” Jungeun pauses, ruminating on her next words for only a second. “And deal with it once you realise it isn’t you.”

Sooyoung blinks, speechless, and for a moment, it feels as if the air has been knocked out of her. She gathers what bit of mettle she has left, just enough to lift up the corner of her lips.

“Tell me you’re joking…you kiss my girlfriend and then tell her who to choose as if…as if we aren’t already together? Okay. Wow. Not only are you selfish, but you’re dense too, huh? Wicked combo, Jungeun.”

She shakes her head, but the look Jungeun sends her way is relentless and fiery, driven by a dogged determination that Sooyoung realises they share. For a moment, she wonders if maybe Jungeun has seen right through the act that is her and Jiwoo’s fake relationship.

She sees Jungeun’s jaw slacken for a moment before tensing again. “See? I knew it. That’s what you got out of everything I just said; the very last part, only because it concerns you.”

Sooyoung just looks at her, bewildered. “Because it’s– it’s bull,” she mutters unconvincingly, as if it’s literally not her biggest insecurity right now.

Jungeun’s gaining the upper hand and she’s not giving it up any time soon. “I kissed her. I knew what I was doing, but at the moment, it felt right. I know it was wrong and I’m sorry. I’m sorry we can’t undo what happened and I’m sorry to put you through this.” Then Jungeun’s eyes change. “But she kissed me back. And she wanted to. I think both you and I know that.”

That one strikes a chord. Jungeun’s flashed another trump card (aren’t people supposed to have only one of these?).

Sooyoung can’t help but scoff, hurt and offense falling from her lips as her stomach twists into all sorts of knots. She shakes her head, rendered speechless yet again.  

“ off…” she finds herself muttering. “ right off, Jungeun-“

 “YOU TWO LADIES!”

Just as Sooyoung was starting to fear that she was seriously about to throw hands with Jiwoo’s ex in the middle of a fair (and to the worst type of audience ever), the thundering voice smashes right though the tension looming over them.

Great. Yet another welcome reminder of where they are: Solstice-freakin’-Fest.

In the heat of resurfaced emotions and blinding exasperation, Sooyoung had literally forgotten, despite Jungeun constantly bringing it up.

(Maybe she’s right. Sooyoung really doesn’t listen when she’s on autopilot.)

“SEEMS LIKE WE’VE FOUND OURSELVES THE PERFECT PAIRING FOR OUR NEXT BATTLE!”

Wait. What?

Both Sooyoung and Jungeun turn to the source of the interruption.

Needless to say, both of them are equally less than pleased to find a young man donned in head to toe with the university colours pointing a megaphone – and a fat, provoking finger – right at them.

In front of her, Jungeun groans out a colourful curse.

Before Sooyoung could process what the hell was going on, they’re shoved through the crowd, helped up onto a platform, and hauled straight to the centre of the stage. In the midst of this chaos, the penguin plushie is ripped out of her hands by someone, who knows who, but Sooyoung’s ‘hey!’ is lost in the noise. She doesn’t get a chance to react because next thing she knows, she’s face to face with Jungeun again, a table between them.

The man puts down his megaphone to address them privately above the cheers of the audience gathering around the stage. He whips off his sunglasses dramatically, only to reveal a face Sooyoung was no stranger to.

Oh, my life.

She forgets about the plushie. She even forgets about the whoops of the crowd. Her face immediately twists into scowl; having to the deal with this guy now was literally the last thing she needed.

“Oh god, not you…”

Why do I have so many enemies on this planet?

“Hi, Ha Sooyoung!” he greets in faux cheeriness. His tiny teeth always made him look like he’s got dentures on.

At the friendly greeting, Jungeun’s face contorts in immediate confusion. “You know her?”

As does Sooyoung’s. “You know him?”

The Squidward-looking testosterone bucket stretches his blue arms to give them both a rough pat on the back.

Jungeun and Sooyoung simultaneously jolt forward.

And both simultaneously shrug his hand off their bodies.

Sooyoung grimaces at how in sync they are.

The guy’s grin is smug beneath the blinding floodlights. “Ah yes, I was searching for our next fated battle when, as luck would have it, my eyes stumbled upon my favourite cousin having what looked like a passionate discourse with none other than…” he says animatedly as he turns to Sooyoung, “…my favourite homewrecker.”

“No ing way,” Sooyoung scoffs. She shoots Jungeun an incredulous look. “This guy is your cousin?”

Jungeun ignores Sooyoung’s comment, far more concerned with her cousin’s words. She raises her eyebrows, head tilted in disdain. “Homewrecker? You? That’s funny…”

“I am not–“ Sooyoung purses her lips, already knowing what’s going through Jungeun’s mind. Before the girl blows her head off, she directs her attention back to the devil incarnate himself and jumps into automatic damage control. “For the last time, Kim Doah, I did not sleep with your ex-girlfriend.”

“Save the excuse, you took her in as a roommate when you only have bed, who does that unless you two were hooking up?!” the pitiful excuse for a human being, Doah, exclaims.

Jungeun’s eyebrows rise even further.

Sooyoung rolls hers. “She slept on the ing couch!”

Doah only gives her a mocking scoff in disbelief.

Now, record scratch. Not that there’s anything fatally wrong with her ex-roomate – she’s pretty, by Sooyoung’s standards – but some friends just feel so, so platonic that the mere suggestion of anything more is almost offensive. The thought of sleeping with the girl sends shivers down Sooyoung’s spine.

I mean…sure, I may or may not have used it as an excuse before…

…but that story properly belongs to a post-Doah era. They’ve been through way too much since then. She hates having to rehash this slimy feeling every time she runs into Doah.

(Why is it that even with her beloved ex-roomie away for the summer, the girl still manages to find a way to bother Sooyoung in her absence?)

Unfortunately, Doah, like a flat-earther, is a determined nonbeliever of the truth. “You two shared a one-bedroom apartment.”

(Also like a flat-earther, he hinges his entire stance on only one weak argument; in this case, it’s the square footage Sooyoung’s tiny suite.)

“God, your cousin’s skull is impenetrable,” Sooyoung grumbles to Jungeun before turning back to Doah. “You two were long over before she moved in. I had nothing to do with your breakup and I am not having this stupid conversation with you.”

Because one, they’ve already had this exact same back-and-forth so many times in the past that Sooyoung has lost count. Two, she knows it was a dumb idea to room with the girl out of pettiness, Sooyoung would like to stop being reminded of it. And three, a stage at SolsticeFest really isn’t the place to be bringing this up just as she had come off a different argument with a different person.

God, they’re cousins…I might just cultivate a vendetta against this entire family.

Doah leans in, baring fangs and masking unfounded courage with soju breath. “When are you just going to admit that you coerced her into cheating on me? It’s the least you could do for ing everything up.”

Judging by the grimace on her face, Jungeun’s full-on offended by now at the prospect of the girl who was just calling her a homewrecker a few minutes ago being a possible homewrecker herself.

But hold on, this is straight up slander.

Sooyoung may be many things, but a hypocrite is not one of them.

“And when are you going to admit that you just felt emasculated from being dumped because your girl realised she likes girls better?” Sooyoung counters bitterly, returning Doah’s glare. “I didn’t do anything with her. How dare you even say she cheated…she isn’t that type of person. You know that.”

Of course he does. “But…” Doah purses his lips as the two sole gears that operate his brain work out some retaliation. Sooyoung can almost hear the comical ding! when he finally comes up with something.

His face contorts into an ugly grimace. “But I know the type of person you are. Different people come out of your room every night. Aren’t you disgusted with yourself? Try having some self-respect, Ha, I’m worried for the girls on your floor. Maybe they should move you people to an all-male dorm.”

Oh . Well, that’s new.

Sooyoung’s eyebrows go up. Even Jungeun’s expression falters. Truthfully, Sooyoung’s more impressed than she is offended.

“Ouch. I didn’t know I was redeeming a low-blow combo deal today. You get more creative every time I run into you,” Sooyoung muses as she shakes her head. “You’re drunk, Doah.”

Sooyoung’s not completely ruthless, so she can’t help the momentary pang of sympathy she feels for the guy. Besides, he’s not nearly this nasty when he’s got less alcohol in his system. Doesn’t make him any less of a jerk, though.

By the looks of his paltry glare and responding silence, Doah seems to have run out of things to say.  

“She was done with you,” Sooyoung succinctly concludes. “I know you were hurt, but you need to get over it and move on. Stop blaming me just because it’s convenient.”

She returns her attention to Jungeun, who had been standing there watching her cousin and sworn-enemy-of-the-moment go at it, lips tightly closed in a straight line. The look she gives Sooyoung is uncertain, teetering between two different sides.

“I did not homewreck,” Sooyoung states defensively, throwing a narrowed scowl at Doah. “Your cousin’s a douche. He was a ty boyfriend to my friend and she’s much better off without him.”

She adds the last part confidently, feeling the need to justify the bitterness she had just spewed at him. To Jungeun, it’s Sooyoung’s word against his, after all. Who would she trust?

Much to her evident surprise, Jungeun lets out a little huff. “Well…can’t say I don’t believe that…”

“Hey!” Doah interjects, “ off, Jungeun, I got you in here, I can get you escorted out!”

“I’m kidding! Jesus.” Jungeun rolls her eyes to emphasize her disinterest. “Whatever, I don’t care about how you two know each other anymore,” she grumbles.  

“And I was about to root for you…” Doah mutters.

Oh right. They’re not here to argue on a stage, are they?

Sooyoung’s thankful the noise has drowned out their entire exchange, hoping that the gathering crowd construed the words they’ve just spat at each other as some pre-battle banter. Funny how she cares about not making a scene now when she was ready to pull Jungeun’s hair just a few minutes ago.

It’s almost like arguing with Doah smacked some sense into her, the familiarity and absurdity of it all reminding her that SolsticeFest is not the place to air out dirty laundry – whether it’s with him or Jungeun.

She heaves in a deep breath. 

“I’m leaving.”

That’s what she should’ve done when she first locked eyes with Jungeun. 

Sooyoung scans the gathered onlookers for Jiwoo, but doesn’t find her amongst the smiling faces. She wonders if Jiwoo got to the building alright, desperately wishing she wasn’t caught and sitting in some campus police office right now while she’s here arguing in front of people. “What the hell is this anyway?”

“Look up, idiot, it’s an arm-wrestling competition.”

Sooyoung does and sure enough, there it is on the banner hanging above them in bold, blue, taunting letters.

ARM WRESTLING

Oh no.

You’ve gotta be kidding me.

Just as Sooyoung was about to march right off the stage, Doah latches a hand on her shoulder. At the same time, she spots the bright faces of her dance club underclassmen in the audience, passionately cheering for her.

Noooo, no, no, no.

What now? Fearless Ha Sooyoung can’t dip out when the very students who idolise and look up to her are right there. She thought the universe was on her side, but maybe it isn’t after all.

Shutting her eyes in defeat, Sooyoung clenches her jaw and lets herself be dragged back to the table.

“You can’t just ditch with all these people watching you,” Doah chirps, as if he had read her mind.

This is diabolical…plain evil…divine punishment for every wrong thing I’ve done today…

She glances at Jungeun to gauge her reaction, hoping to see the girl looking equally displeased with their predicament. Instead, Jungeun’s face unexpectedly shows willingness, as if she’s actually down to arm wrestle to assert dominance, or whatever.

That, or the crowd egging them on is far too intimidating and pushy to run away from. As Sooyoung has already learned, Jungeun’s chockful of pride. She’s probably just faking confidence ‘til she makes it right now. 

That’s my thing , not yours!

(The more Sooyoung thinks about it, the more similar she is to Jungeun. Maybe Jiwoo’s got a type.)

 “I hate you,” Sooyoung grumbles, narrowing her eyes towards Doah, before reluctantly planting her elbow on the table. Jungeun mirrors her and she swears, the audience’s whoops just grow louder.

Well, there’s only one way to get out of this satisfied: win against Jungeun. Simple as that. It’s more symbolic of a battle than the average spectator would ever suspect.

THIS WAS SUCH A BAD IDEA.

Her brain is yelling at her. Sooyoung’s pursed lips keep back utterances of curses and grunts of pain. What on earth did she get herself into?

‘WOOWA’ is still blasting, its high-octane dance beats filling the air. Sooyoung keeps wondering who’s in charge of music and why they couldn’t have just gotten DIA to perform at SolsticeFest.

(In some sort of reverse psychology, she had hoped that thinking about such trivial things would improve her chances because it’d lead her away from pessimistic thoughts, like ‘this is impossible’ or ‘there’s no way I can win this’.)

There is absolutely no way I can win this.

(Unfortunately, her self-distraction strategy is not working.)

Jungeun has, unexpectedly, one hell of a forearm. Or maybe she’s just extremely fired up, adrenaline enhancing her strength.

Now, being a dancer, Sooyoung considers herself far from being a wimp. She works out regularly and really, her abs are to die for. Not that any of those things are relevant to one’s chances in arm wrestling, but being generally fit, she thought she had a pretty decent chance going into this.

(Sure, you can fake confidence, but can you fake strength?)

Despite that, with Jungeun’s trimmed fingernails digging into her hand and her wrist on the verge of snapping in a ninety-degree angle, Sooyoung takes a moment to rethink everything she has done leading up to this moment.

Her arm is killing her. She’s about to take the meaning of ‘limp wrist’ to another level. Jungeun has a hell of a death grip. Every part of her body is stiff as she directs all her strength into one arm.

In the middle of this spirited battle, she learns another thing about Jungeun: the girl hates to lose more than she loves to win. After all, the symbolism behind this arm wrestle isn’t really about winning over Jiwoo, but rather about losing her.

And Jungeun is certainly hellbent on not losing the girl she loves.

“There’s something off about you two,” Jungeun starts muttering through gritted teeth.

Sooyoung, who had been so focused on keeping her wrist upright, is taken aback by Jungeun’s sudden words in the middle of their arm wrestle. If this is some sort of distraction tactic, she can’t let it get to her.

“E-excuse me?”

Her eyes dart to Jungeun, whose own eyes are set firmly on their hands.

“We talked about you. Yerim, Hyejoo and I. We hung out a few days before the sleepover.”

Sooyoung's face twists in confusion, but then her mind matches the names to the faces. She fumbles a bit, grimacing when her arm falters for a second.

Yerim and Hyejoo. Jiwoo's high school juniors. And Jungeun’s, too.

Sooyoung tries her very best to hide her 'oh ' face with her ‘my wrist is going to snap and I can’t feel my arm’ face.

"They weren’t surprised when I told them you two were together, but it was news to them. Apparently Jiwoo introduced you as just a friend. Insisted, even. Nothing more, nothing less," Jungeun breathes out. "I thought that was weird. Jiwoo’s usually eager to introduce her girlfriend, especially to her juniors."

If Sooyoung was just a spectator, she’d be impressed with how coherent Jungeun can be in the middle of an arm-wrestling battle. Except she’s not a spectator, she’s a participant caught in the middle of the fray. She's a gladiator in the arena and the tiger’s prey is her.  

Jungeun glances at her for a response, but Sooyoung can't find the right words to say, unable to simultaneously think straight and keep her arm upright.

"Trouble in paradise?" Jungeun taunts some more, her tone calm but assertive, nostrils flared. "Or maybe the paradise was a mirage all along.”

A part of Sooyoung is going, ‘wow, how can she be so eloquent while trying to snap my ing wrist?’ while another part of her is going, ‘, does she know about us?!’

“I don’t know if you two are going through some rough patch or if you’re up to something behind her back…but I know Jiwoo. And I can tell she's having doubts. How do I know you haven't hurt her?"

That gets Sooyoung talking. “What? I-I haven't! I…I would never,” she manages to utter. I haven't. I'm the one who was hurt, aren’t I? “I’m not doing anything behind anyone’s back,"

"…I can’t wreck a home if it was already intended to fall, Sooyoung.”

And then a hand slams into the table.

“WE HAVE A WINNER!” comes Doah’s booming voice.

Sooyoung's arm had given out. When she felt her knuckles hit that table, her entire body went slack in defeat.

The eruption of reaction from onlookers ring like an echo in her head. Doah’s busy hyping up the crowd and jumping around the stage like a drunken frat boy, leading a passionate chant of his cousin’s name (does no one realise this girl doesn’t even go to their school?!).

Sooyoung tries to drown it out in an attempt to soften her humiliation, but Jungeun leans in and ensures her next words can’t be missed.

“Who Jiwoo wants to be with is no one’s decision but hers. If you think you know what’s best for her, take a step back and let her choose for herself.”

That’s obvious.

But Sooyoung figures that the only reason Jungeun keeps harping it is because she’s confident that who Jiwoo really wants is her. Not Sooyoung.

That’s been a nagging fear of hers, one always lingering in her thoughts, moreso after the kissing fiasco, and one that Jungeun has made so clear to her today. The more Sooyoung thinks about it, the more insecure she feels. In the façade of their fake relationship, Sooyoung’s earlier arguments don’t hold much water; she’s not Jiwoo’s girlfriend, never has been, so she’s got no real claims to having already “won over” Jiwoo, nor to being cheated on.

But Jungeun isn’t supposed to know any of that. It’s why Sooyoung soldiered on, faking confidence, spouting out arguments with her whole chest and retorting with words that were hollow beneath their iron exterior.

But what if Jungeun does know? What if she’s known since before the sleepover?

Sooyoung wants to hide her eyes and bury her head in her hands. She had one job…and she couldn’t even do it properly? They should’ve kept up the act when she and Jiwoo visited the high school. It was a careless mistake, looking back at it.

For her victory, Jungeun picks out a penguin plushie because of course she does. The pettiness level is astronomical.

Perhaps Sooyoung’s just reaping exactly what she sowed, though. She did, after all, fly into a rage, yelling at Jungeun’s face and provoking her until she was just as angry as Sooyoung. Maybe it’s her fault that Jungeun put on her mean girl armour. Sooyoung asked for it, in a way.  

It’s then that Sooyoung finally remembers the plushie Jiwoo had won for her. Her attention turns to the gathering crowd, eyes darting. It’s been lost. The thought of it being trampled on by any of the people watching them fills Sooyoung with inexplicable dread.

If things couldn’t get any worse, she finds Jiwoo standing right by the stage, having pushed through the spectators to get to the front. Confusion swims in her eyes as they dart between Jungeun and Sooyoung.

When did she get here?

Suddenly feeling extremely small, Sooyoung swallows her pride and hops off the stage, squeezing through the people and distancing herself from the whole thing.

She makes it all the way to the food trucks before she finally stops.

Maybe she should’ve just stayed home.

“Sooyoung!”

At the call of her name, she turns and sees Jiwoo running towards her.

“Are– are you okay? I just came back to you two up on the stage. What’s going on?”

Jiwoo following her is touching, but the barrage of questions is unwelcome.

“Nothing,” Sooyoung answers, “we got dragged into some dumb arm-wrestling thing. Sorry you had to see that.”

Jiwoo shakes her head, her face all twisted up in worry. “Tell me what happened.”

“I…um…ah, ,” Sooyoung stammers in whispers, unable to look at Jiwoo as her gaze drifts elsewhere.

“What’s wrong?”

“I’m sorry, I lost your penguin plushie…”

“Oh…” Jiwoo murmurs, “it’s okay, it doesn’t matter–“

“–it fell out of my hand, or someone grabbed it, I don’t know, but I should’ve held on to it. You worked so hard to get it and I just–“

“It’s okay, Sooyoung,” Jiwoo interjects, grabbing her arm to get the older girl to look at her. “The plushie isn’t important right now. How are you? Is your hand hurt?” she asks anxiously.

Sooyoung throws a quick glance at her hand and finds fading indents from where Jungeun’s nails had dug into, along with reddening knuckles. They don’t hurt as much as the sudden wave of embarrassment overcoming her.

“No, it’s okay,” Sooyoung says, dropping her hand and hiding it behind her back. She offers Jiwoo a sheepish smile. “I lost. How uncool is that?”

She pushes out a weak chuckle, but Jiwoo’s less than amused.

“In our first year of high school, Jungeun once arm wrestled all the girls in our homeroom and won against everyone,” Jiwoo murmurs, reaching for Sooyoung’s hand to get a better look at it.

Say what? That’s totally unfair. “Oh. Well, that would’ve been nice to know before I went into that,” Sooyoung jokes, but Jiwoo shoots her a look. “Sorry. It’s just a dumb carnival game, don’t worry about it.”

“How could I not? Why you two of all people?”

Because Doah is a massive douche and so is Jungeun, but I kind of asked for it- “I don’t know. Isn’t it funny, though? Your ex and your girlfriend arm wrestling? Well, I’m not your girlfriend, obviously, but-“

Jiwoo’s attention darts from her hand to her eyes. There’s still no hint of amusement on her face, despite Sooyoung’s efforts to lighten the mood. It’s a poor fail-safe when she’s not in the right mindset to fake-it-til-you-make-it herself out of the situation.

But Jiwoo sees right through her; Sooyoung’s just too frazzled to notice that Jiwoo knows.

“How did Jungeun even get in here?

“Her cousin got her a ticket.”

“Oh. She didn’t tell me that.”

Was she supposed to? Why would you care? Have you two been talking?

Sooyoung shakes her head. “Don’t worry about what just happened, it was stupid and I was just being rash, I should’ve never approached her,” she admits.

Jiwoo’s eyebrows knit tightly in the middle. “You approached her? Why?

“I…don’t know,” Sooyoung lies. “It’s not a big deal,” she lies again.

“What’d she say to you?”

“Nothing. I– we didn’t even really get a chance to talk, we got shoved to the stage immediately.” Another lie. Not her first and neither her last of the night, surely.

Sooyoung knows it’s her fault. Most of it, anyway. If only she never lost her cool and walked up to Jungeun in the first place, none of this would’ve happened. She should’ve just gotten a lemonade and waited for Jiwoo by the gap in the fence she snuck through, and then they could’ve gone on another spin on the ferris wheel and went home feeling alright.

Instead, her impulsiveness and temper got the best of her, yet again. Old habits really do die hard. And today, she let the worse of her take over.

“Really?” Jiwoo prods, looking uneasy, as if she can tell Sooyoung’s not telling her something. “…I can tell that you’re upset about someth– ” she starts, but Sooyoung’s quick to cut her off, defence mechanisms immediately activated.

“Um, is there anything else here that you wanted to do?” she abruptly asks, hoping that didn’t sound as forced as she had imagined.

Jiwoo purses her lips. “Sooyoung.”

“SolsticeFest gets more rowdy into the night,” Sooyoung continues, “I don’t want us to stay here that late. It’s dangerous.”

“Can we please talk?”

“No…I mean…god, I don’t know.” Soooyung closes her eyes. “I don’t want to, Jiwoo. I think we should just call it a night. I’m tired.”

She’s really had enough of this, and doesn’t even consider telling Jiwoo about Jungeun possibly figuring out that their entire relationship wasn’t (isn’t?) real.

Something flashes across Jiwoo’s eyes. She looks like she wants to say something, but she must understand the pleading look in Sooyoung’s eyes because she relents, pressing her lips into a thin line and nodding her head instead.

“Thank you,” Sooyoung says with a sigh, “let’s get you home then.”

Much like the drive to SolsticeFest, the drive from it is just as suffocatingly silent. Sooyoung doesn’t even bother turning on the radio.

Her mind is so far away that she fails to notice Jiwoo glancing over at her ever so often, concern clouding her eyes. The girl opts to sit silently and fiddle with the straps of her bag, far too timid to try and break through Sooyoung’s distracted exterior.  

Sooyoung’s head, though, is wracked with a million thoughts running in and out, passing by for a quick consideration before moving on to the next misgiving. She ruminates over what Jungeun said to her about letting Jiwoo choose who she wants.

This is exactly what she advised Jiwoo herself, but Sooyoung’s never had the guts to face the possibility of the choice not being her.

If it isn’t her…then who is she to be mad over something that’s out of her control?

I can’t be, I’ve got no right to…

…Jungeun was wrong to kiss her, wasn’t she?...

…Of course she was wrong. She knows Jiwoo has a girlfriend…

…But what if she knew, the entire time, that none of this was real?...

…Then there isn’t anything technically wrong with her kissing Jiwoo. There was no relationship. There was no cheating.

It’s all just a big of tug of war…

Only some of Jungeun’s words float into her head in a disjointed manner: you’re hot-headed…I know Jiwoo…pushy…she’s often stepped on…overbearing…she always puts other people’s feelings before hers…rash…she always thinks what others say is the best for her.

It’s a tug of war with Jiwoo right in the middle. That’s all it is. And really, are either of them being considerate of her feelings?

Wasn’t it Sooyoung who told Jiwoo that she never wanted to come between her friendship with Jungeun? That it’s one to be valued and carefully mended? All that before she promptly advised Jungeun to ‘just leave her alone and get the out of here’.

It’s spectacular how she has ruined what was a great day.

Jiwoo doesn’t deserve this.

They get to Jiwoo’s house before the next round of fears circles Sooyoung’s mind again.

Unlike Sooyoung, Jiwoo’s got a penchant for being in tune with the feelings of those around her, but Sooyoung’s change in attitude is obvious to anyone.

Jiwoo asks her if she’s okay.

“I’m alright,” comes Sooyoung’s automatic response.  

“Are you sure?”

“I am, Jiwoo. I’m really sorry about…today.”

Jiwoo shakes her head. “You didn’t do anything wrong. I had an amazing time.”  

That’s because you didn’t know I was three seconds away from dragging your best friend’s face through the dirt.

“No, but…” Sooyoung shuts her eyes. She knows how she’s acting right now isn’t doing any favours for their situation. “Nevermind…I’m really glad you had a good time.”

Jiwoo’s silent for a moment. “If you need to say something, I’m here.”

But Sooyoung doesn’t know what to say, nor does she even want to. Just give me time. “I’m just bummed out about losing the arm-wrestling thing,” she half-heartedly replies.

Of course, Jiwoo can tell there’s more to it than that. She opens to speak, but Sooyoung stops her. “It’s late, you should head inside.”

Her tone rings with a note of finality.

Jiwoo doesn’t really want to leave just yet, hesitation evident in her face. She wants to stay. She wants to talk. She’s got something on her mind and she wants Sooyoung to know. She’s willing to lay it all out there from the look in her eyes. Sooyoung can tell.

But an invading voice in her head tells her what to do, so she tells Jiwoo it’s late, urges her to go inside her house, tells her goodnight with the kindest smile she can muster.

It must’ve been convincing enough because eventually, Jiwoo lets out a small sigh and reaches for the door, her head turned away.

She’s giving Sooyoung what she wants. Or maybe she’s just finally grown tired of being shut out.

“Don’t worry about me,” Sooyoung adds for good measure, lifting the tip of her lips with that signature confidence of hers. Both of us need time.  

When Jiwoo glances at her, unconvinced, Sooyoung reaches over to place a reassuring hand on her lap. “I had a lot of fun today. I mean it. I’m happy you were with me and I really hope you had a blast.”

Much to Sooyoung’s relief, Jiwoo responds with a small smile, putting her hand over Sooyoung’s. “It was the most fun I’ve had in a long time. I don’t know if I can ever thank you enough for bringing me.”

“Good,” Sooyoung replies sincerely, “that’s all that matters.” Thank Chaewon.

 Jiwoo bites her lip, her hand still on the handle. “…If you really want me to go, I’ll go,” she murmurs.

Sooyoung’s stares at their hands. I need to give you time. “Goodnight, Jiwoo.”

She doesn’t look up to see Jiwoo’s face, but there’s a short pause of silence, and then Jiwoo lightly squeezes her hand, letting their fingers graze when she pulls away.

Jiwoo gets out of the car. Through the window, she waves a reluctant goodbye with a smile that stretches too tightly over her teeth, one that Sooyoung knows will fall once she turns around. Jiwoo disappears behind her gate with drooping shoulders caving in on her torso, wrapping around a heart she tried to show but was promptly snubbed.

Sooyoung, too, can’t keep her smile once Jiwoo’s gone. Pretenses linger and, much like their fake relationship, their entire interaction in the car felt too much like an act with reassurances given only out of convenience, moreso from Sooyoung. Jiwoo, at least, seemed genuine.

Sooyoung sighs and starts the car.

Here's the issue with faking it 'til you make it: you can only go so far with faking competence until it catches up to you like a raging wildfire, spreading until it’s uncontrollably burning, smoke blurring the line between faking and lying.

You can’t fake proficiency, or competence, or skills you don’t actually have. You can only fake behaviour or a state of mind, you fake ways of thinking until you’ve realised the very qualities you’ve been imitating.

Sooyoung’s good at winging it when left to her own devices.

But she can’t fake what she simply can’t do, no matter how hard she tries.

She can’t fake an optimistic attitude by shoving things under the rug because they always come crawling out. She can’t fake being okay in hopes of convincing herself that she is because she simply isn’t. And she can no longer fake her ability to win over Jiwoo because maybe she’s already lost her, maybe she never really had her. Maybe, maybe, maybe…

(There are fine lines between ‘should’, ‘would’, and ‘could’. Sooyoung would give up a fight when she could, but doesn't always know whether she should or not. It’s a lesson learned from a previous relationship, but there’s a caveat; she doesn't want to keep fighting if she has already convinced herself that it's futile, even if it may not actually be.)

So much for coming out of SolsticeFest feeling good. Instead of rehashing her usual fears, she switches her focus and thinks about the upcoming school year and the errands she’ll have to run. Sooyoung keeps the radio off on her ride home.

If only she’ll realise that she can’t solve things by ignoring them; that she hasn’t just been using the age-old art of faking it 'til you make it as strategy for success, but as a strategy for self-preservation too.

However, it’s a poor one at that, flawed and treacherous. Simply a screen for a false sense of security, or maybe an art of a different kind: a steadying circus act on a slippery slope. All her life, Sooyoung has traversed it.

But when your bravado is improvised, you're bound to lose your footing and tumble down.