Sooyoung wants to rip her own throat out.

It won’t stop itching and her nose is stuffy and her eyes are so watery, she feels like she’s been cutting onions for two hours. She lets out a sneeze.

Ha Sooyoung, please it up, you’re not dying. A voice in her head says.

Sometimes, this invisible figure appears on her shoulder. It’s not really an angel nor a devil, more like a companion that annoyingly chides her when she does something stupid, but also pats her on the back when she’s deserving of one. Inside her mind, a third-person perspective narrating her actions. Like someone sitting in front of a laptop, writing out the trials and tribulations of Sooyoung’s life and throwing in her own unwanted remarks into the story. 

Sometimes, Sooyoung wants to flick it off her shoulder.

Ha Sooyoung, you can’t get rid of me, I’m in your head!

When Sooyoung opens her eyes, she finds Jiwoo looking up at her, eyes wide and eyebrows knitted in deep worry.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m f-“ another sneeze, “-fine.” Sooyoung sniffles.

“I am so, soooo sorry,” Jiwoo whispers. They’re cooped up in the bathroom of Hyunjin’s house, with Sooyoung sitting on the toilet and Jiwoo kneeling in front of her. “If I had known you were allergic…”

Much to Sooyoung’s misery, one of Yves’ charming attributes that Jiwoo had so generously fabricated and told in stark detail to Jungeun was her love for cats, and in particular, her precious pet fur ball Milk.

Except Milk is actually Hyunjin’s cat and Sooyoung is, unfortunately, allergic to cats. In some greater of misfortune, Jiwoo had accidentally let Milk’s name slip in a conversation with Jungeun, who somehow remembered this detail and excitedly asked Jiwoo if she could meet Milk.

So Jiwoo precipitated a barely believable excuse on the spot: that Milk is with Hyunjin right now because she’s cat-sitting for the summer in a bet over who Milk likes more.

And that was how they found themselves one afternoon at Hyunjin’s house, with Hyunjin and Jungeun playing with Milk in the living room while Sooyoung almost-dies in the bathroom and Jiwoo tries to comfort her…from almost-dying. 

Sooyoung sneezes again and Jiwoo lets out a small concerned yelp, practically shoving the box of tissues into Sooyoung’s lap. Sooyoung may be almost-dying but Jiwoo is caressing her arm comfortingly and that, at least, makes things feel less awful.

Jiwoo looks up at her with big, wide eyes and worry etched on her face that can be seen from a mile away. It does absolute wonders for the suffering Sooyoung.

This girl can probably cure a disease with her smile.

“Do I need to call anyone? Or like, do-do you need anything, l-like those yellow things people stab themselves on the thigh with-“

“Jiwoo,” Sooyoung manages to say, “it’s fine. I’m not like, severely allergic or anything.” She coughs to get an itch out of her burning throat.

Jiwoo frowns as her shoulders drop. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have slipped up and mentioned Milk, I don’t even know why Jungeun remembered that Yves has a cat named Milk and I should’ve just shut up instead of rambling about how Hyunjin was cat-sitting because of a bet and it's just a lie on top of a lie on top of a lie and now you’re here dying because it turns out you’re allergic to-”

Sooyoung interrupts her because she knows once Jiwoo starts rambling, she threatens to become an unstoppable, derailed train. “Jiwoo. Calm down.” She puts her hand on the younger girl's shoulder. “I’m not dying and this is just another situation we have to deal with. There was no way you could’ve known what I was allergic to. Don’t blame yourself.”

Jiwoo pouts this time and Sooyoung can’t help but smile because this is the most attention Jiwoo has ever paid her. Not that Sooyoung’s usually the needy type, but Jiwoo has sort of thrown her aside lately, so this…

This is nice.

Her concern is far too endearing and Sooyoung just wants to squeeze her cheeks and give her the world and make all her worries disappear and kiss her pout away-

Ha Sooyoung, what on earth are you thinking?

Sooyoung coughs and it sounds more forced than necessary. Standing from the toilet, she helps Jiwoo to her feet. She hasn’t taken her eyes off of Sooyoung the entire time and this is probably the longest she's ever stared at her. 

“Help me look presentable before we go back out there.”

“Are you sure you’re ready to go back out?”

Sooyoung an eyebrow at her, smirking. “What, you wanna stay in here with me a little longer?”

The flirtatious undertone flies straight over Jiwoo’s head, who keeps looking at her with the same concern in her eyes. “Are you feeling better?”

Truthfully, she isn’t, but they can’t stay in the bathroom forever, having rushed here when her allergic reactions had become too much. Jungeun might get suspicious.

“I’ll be fine,” Sooyoung reassures her.

Luckily, there was Benadryl in the bathroom cupboards that Hyunjin had urged Sooyoung to use.

Fixing her appearance until Jiwoo approved of her look (“I’ll go back out once you say I look pretty” typical Sooyoung fishing for compliments at every opportunity), a final sneeze escapes from Sooyoung and they finally leave the bathroom.

Jiwoo’s gentle hand on the small of Sooyoung’s back is consoling. In the living room, they spot Hyunjin and Jungeun playing with Milk.

“Are you okay?” Jungeun asks her upon seeing them return.

“Yeah, just a bit under the weather,” Sooyoung says, sounding quite normal, “I must be allergic to something in Hyunjin’s house.”

“Sorry,” Hyunjin says, “maybe it’s one of my mom’s plants. Or maybe bunnies? Heejin likes to bring her bunnies over a lot so, like, there may be bunny…particles…or whatever, all over.”

A valiant attempt that somehow sounded sort of believable. Hyunjin was a decent liar; even if her choice of words may beg to differ, she could be convincing with her tone and disposition.

Jungeun seems to buy it, at least. “My aunt is allergic to house plants,” she even says.

Sooyoung suddenly steps forward and marches towards Milk, scooping up the live-explosive-disguised-as-a-fluffy-ball in her arms. Sooyoung will hate herself for this later. But she knows she must do it. 

The concern in Jiwoo’s eyes return, but it softens once she sees how gentle and casual Sooyoung cradles Milk, even daring to nuzzle her nose (still surely itchy) into the cat, as if all her love and affection belongs to this cat and this cat only.

They’re lucky Milk is a nice cat and can curl comfortably into any stranger’s hold, but when Sooyoung feels her eyes begin to water again, she shoots the subtlest SOS signal towards Hyunjin.

Hyunjin construes it immediately and grabs Milk out of her arms. Gratitude secretly floods all over Sooyoung, it almost clears up her sinuses. 

“Hey, give him back!” Sooyoung exclaims, feigning offence.

“Milk likes me more,” Hyunjin says, kissing the cat, “don’t you think so, Jungeun?”

Jungeun chuckles. “Looks like it.”

Sooyoung sighs and drags herself over to the couch. Jiwoo, still following her with the worry of a mother (or a girlfriend), plops down beside her. Sooyoung sends a tender smile her way. It’s supposed to assure Jiwoo she’s fine, but mostly it’s one of endearment from seeing the adorable concern and remorse on her face.

Jiwoo’s being so attentive towards her, even though Jungeun’s just a mere five feet away. Usually, when Sooyoung was with the both of them, Jiwoo struggled to divide her attention. The girl was still utterly drawn towards Jungeun, leaving Sooyoung having to remind her wordlessly and through actions that she’s the fake girlfriend. Jiwoo needs no reminders today, it seems. Even if it takes Sooyoung almost-dying, the attention she gets feels so healing that it's worth it. 

Damn, bare minimum much?

Another unwanted sneeze escapes and Jiwoo is there to readily clutch onto her arm. Sooyoung goes to hold her hand instead, intertwining their fingers, and Jiwoo responds by rubbing comforting circles with her thumb when Sooyoung sniffles. 

Sooyoung thinks she can get used to this. She’d like to.

Ha Sooyoung, did you catch allergens or feelings?

At this point, Sooyoung can’t tell.

“Let’s hang out.”

“I was just about to ask Jungeun if she wanted to visit our high school,” comes Jiwoo’s voice from the other end of the call.

Frankly, Sooyoung is getting tired of their phone conversations revolving around her trying to pull Jiwoo away from dates with her ex. 

Sooyoung pauses from tying her shoes and grabs the phone tucked between her ear and shoulder. “Why would you do that?”

“Uh,” Jiwoo starts, “because we haven’t visited yet…?”

“Take me instead.”

“What? Why?”

“Because I’m your girlfriend.”

“My fake girlfriend-“

“You’re taking your ex out way more than your girlfriend-“

“Fake girlfriend-“

“I want to see your high school!”

Jiwoo huffs. “But that place doesn’t even have any sentimental value for you!”

“But it does for you!” Sooyoung replies, “minus that memory of you getting dumped on graduation day.”

Jiwoo goes silent on the other end before her voice returns, small and whiny, to say a drawn out ‘stoooop’.

Sooyoung sighs, getting to her feet. “Sorry. I know it’s a painful memory, but you seem to have forgotten it happened, considering how much you hang out with her and how normal you guys act around each other.”

Sooyoung wonders if Jiwoo still remembers how she almost had an emotional breakdown over it in front of her during their first meeting.

“Because we’re still…friends,” Jiwoo says and even through the phone, Sooyoung can sense the sadness in her tone.

"Friends..."

"Exes can still be friends!"

"Sure, Jiwoo, but it won't work out if one is still pining after the other." When Sooyoung doesn't hear anything from the other end, she continues, "listen, I'm not saying you should unfriend your best friend. But you have a lot of work to do if you want things to go back to normal."

"...We're normal friends! And normal friends hang out regularly.”

“Well, all the more reason to take me," Sooyoung counters, "I know I’m just your fake girlfriend or whatever, but can we at least be, I dunno, real friends...?”

Sooyoung didn’t mean for that to sound more sentimental than it came out as, but it’s too late to swallow back her words now. 

Jiwoo seems to have been slightly taken aback too, considering her sudden silence, but Sooyoung waits for a response. They’re going to hang out, even if Sooyoung has to drag her out of her house.

“Of course,” Jiwoo says and the sentiment in her voice is unexpected too, as if she realized that she had done something wrong. She hasn’t, not really.

Sooyoung lightens her tone, sounding optimistic. “Great! I’ll pick you up in 10.”

Even on a weekend, there are students wandering about at Jiwoo’s school. As they dodge kids in uniforms rushing down the hallways, Sooyoung feels like she’s been dragged back in time to when she was still in high school.

Not that it was an unpleasant experience or anything, but for Sooyoung, who only showed up to school when she needed to (never came by on weekends, nor did she ever bother to stay after the last bell), she wouldn’t consider it a very significant period in her life. Naturally, she only remembers her high school years as a time of coming into terms with her uality and pining after female classmates who never fully understood her intentions.

Even if she’s gone through all that growing up and understanding herself, she still can’t help but childishly wonder if the two girls that pass by them, skipping hand-in-hand down the corridor, are just friends or something more.

Sooyoung held a lot of hands in high school, but they never meant anything. For them, at least.

Ha Sooyoung, a chance has opened up.

“Do you want to hold hands?” she suddenly asks.

Jiwoo glances over for a moment, looking down at Sooyoung’s outstretched hand before taking it in hers.

Sooyoung smiles, letting their linked hands sway lightly between them as they stroll down the hallway.

“Hm, don’t you think your hand just fits right into mine?” Sooyoung muses. That’s a line she used in high school when she was brave enough to openly flirt with her friends, but too careful to go any further. Their usual responses were flustered giggles or cringing groans – either way, Sooyoung always found it cute.

Jiwoo’s response is a first.

“They fit alright, I think,” the younger girl says, sending a small, cheeky smile towards Sooyoung before turning her attention to the club posters on the wall.

"You think so?" Sooyoung’s lips curl up. “Me too.”

The sound of music fills their ears, louder as they walk further down the hallway. Jiwoo hesitantly pauses in front of the music room and Sooyoung sticks her head in, peaking for only a second at the students practicing before Jiwoo’s already tugging her away.

“Hey- why the rush?” 

“It’s just the music room, nothing special,” Jiwoo murmurs, the music gradually quieting as Sooyoung is pulled further and further away.

“Didn’t you say you love music?”

“Mhm,” Jiwoo hums absentmindedly.

Sooyoung’s got an inkling feeling that the music room likely holds some meaning to Jiwoo and Jungeun's probably involved somewhere in its significance. Well, if avoiding it is helping her move on, then Sooyoung will let her be. For now, at least. 

“Can I hear you play piano one day?” she asks. It's a change of topic, but not a complete one. 

“You want to?”

“I’d love to.”

Jiwoo looks at her with a scrunched-up nose. “I don’t just serenade anyone, you know.”

“What, I’m not special enough?” Sooyoung asks, amused.

“Haha, nope.”

She frowns in jest. “That’s not very nice, I’m your girlfriend.”

“Fake girlfriend.”

Sooyoung purses her lips. “Do you have to point it out every time? It’s a given. Also a total character breaker.”

“Sorry, it’s just…a reminder, or something,” Jiwoo replies sheepishly.

“Neither of us should need reminders.”

Maybe Jiwoo hates her, maybe Jiwoo's playing hard to get, who knows. Sooyoung wants to do a good job with this fake dating stuff, but Jiwoo’s reactions can feel so stale sometimes that it’s discouraging.

Just then, someone shouts Jiwoo’s name with an excited gasp. Sooyoung looks for the source of the voice and finds a fresh-faced, cheerful girl waving at them wildly. The way she wildly runs towards them makes Sooyoung think she’s being chased by some animal, if not for the huge grin on her face. And do they really allow vivid purple hair at school nowadays? Oh, how times have changed. 

Jiwoo lets go of her hand to accept the bear hug that the student gives her.

“Jiwoo! Oh my gosh, I haven’t seen you in like, ages!” the younger girl says, breaking apart to give Sooyoung an equally excited greeting even though Sooyoung has zero clue who she is. “Hi!!! Who’s this?” She nudges Jiwoo teasingly, her eyebrows going up and down.

“This is Sooyoung,” Jiwoo says, “a friend.”

A friend. Sooyoung quirks an eyebrow before realising that maybe this girl with a permanent smiley emoji for a face doesn’t know Jiwoo likes girls.

“Nice to meet you!! I’m Yerim, Jiwoo’s favourite junior.”

“Who said that?” Jiwoo asks.

“I did!”

Sooyoung can’t decide whether their combined giddiness is tiring or contagious.

Ha Sooyoung, you’re smiling.

Maybe it’s contagious then.

“Nice to meet you, Yerim,” Sooyoung greets.

“You’re pretty!” Yerim tells her, still smiling up at Sooyoung like a wonderstruck child at the candy store.

And then suddenly, the kids multiply and a black-haired student suddenly pops up from around the corner, almost running into Yerim.

“Oof- Hyejoo, what did I say about watching where you walk?” Yerim scolds, her smile finally disappearing as it morphs into pursed lips. It’s still cute though, hardly intimidating.

“Hyejoo!” comes Jiwoo’s bright voice and she sounds like she never left high (middle) school. She envelopes the black-haired girl into a hug that’s weakly returned. “My favourite junior!”

Yerim pouts at that one.

“Hi Jiwoo, I didn’t know you were stopping by today,” she says. Despite the lack of enthusiasm, she readily returns Jiwoo’s hug. The contrast in character between her and Yerim is amusing, to say the least.

Maybe Sooyoung has a strong presence, or maybe Jiwoo’s high school pals are just kind enough to acknowledge her, because Hyejoo immediately takes note of her too.

“Is this your new girlfriend?” she asks Jiwoo. It’s a casual question, but Jiwoo breaks their hug apart immediately to shoot it down.

“What? No!”

“Jiwoo says she’s just a friend,” Yerim interjects.

Oh, so they do know.

Hyejoo just nods and looks her up and down. Sooyoung suddenly feels self-conscious. What’s this little punk looking at?

“You look like Jiwoo’s type,” Hyejoo says this to her this time.

That quirks Sooyoung’s interest, for obvious reasons. “Her type?”

Jiwoo’s quick to jump in. “What? How do you even know that?” she asks before shaking her head as if that wasn’t what she was supposed to say, “I mean- what are you even basing that on?”

Hyejoo shrugs; clearly a girl of few words and even fewer actions. She turns her attention back to Yerim. “Ms. Jeong wants to see you in the staff room. She wants you to stop drawing smiley faces on all the quizzes you help her mark.”

Yerim frowns. Unsurprisingly, it’s still cute. “What’s wrong with my smileys?! Ugh, okay. We’ll catch you later, Jiwoo! It was nice meeting you, Sooyoung!”

She skips away after an excessively excited goodbye hug. Hyejoo leaves them alone soon after, though Sooyoung wishes she called her by her name instead of saying, ‘bye Jiwoo and not-Jiwoo’s-girlfriend’.

“You have cute juniors,” Sooyoung muses when they’re alone again.

Jiwoo lets out a content sigh. “They’re annoying. But I love them.”

“You should’ve just told them I was your girlfriend.”

“We don’t need to keep up the act for everyone,” Jiwoo replies sheepishly. She’s right, really, so Sooyoung can’t even fight that. (Or is she?)

“Wow, am I that undesirable?” It’s only a half-joke, playful with her tone, but it’s also something she wants to get off her chest.

Jiwoo looks at her with widened eyes. “Huh? No! Not at all. It’s not that,” she stammers, “it’s just…I dunno. You’re you and I’m…me.”

Sooyoung raises an eyebrow. That makes no sense to her, but she shrugs it off. Why the sudden insecurity? Jiwoo just embodies uncertainty sometimes. Sooyoung’s sure she’s got a web of unpolished feelings within her, no doubt the still-stinging wounds of her previous relationship clashing with lingering attachment for the same person who gave her those wounds. Maybe she’s just hesitant of being in any semblance of a relationship, real or not.

Hey Sooyoung, Jiwoo probably won’t appreciate your weird psychoanalysis of her actions, so please keep it to yourself. We’re trying not to get fired here, remember?

“Is the prospect of dating me for real that unrealistic to you?” Sooyoung asks with a teasing smile on her lips, “I mean, I could see myself dating you.”

Jiwoo turns away from her, flustered. “I- thanks,” she mutters bashfully, “um, it’s just…if things were normal, I wouldn’t even have the courage to approach you anyway, so…”

“Why not? I’m just a girl, you know. Not some…untouchable deity, or something.”

Contrary to popular belief, professional narcissist Sooyoung is capable of being humble sometimes. Sometimes.

“Sometimes you seem like it.” Jiwoo starts walking down the hallway again. Sooyoung follows her closely from behind. “You’re thoughtful...and charming...and beautiful...and so good at acting like my fake girlfriend that even I start to believe it...”

Oh, really?

Ha Sooyoung…we got ‘em.

There’s a stupid grin that threatens to stretch across on Sooyoung’s face and she has to bite her lip to suppress it. God, she feels like a giddy schoolgirl; strolling down a high school corridor with the golden hour sunlight streaming through the windows and an easy breeze blowing through the curtains, she imagines they look like a scene straight out of a teenage romance film. Sooyoung feels like it’s all make-believe. She just can’t understand why.

Well, at least she knows she’s doing a good job. No firing today! Sooyoung survives another day.

Jiwoo keeps her attention towards the floor, hopping from floor tile to floor tile, as if she’s embarrassed to turn around and look. If only she did, she’d find Sooyoung trailing behind her with hands clasped bashfully behind her back.

“Well, don’t stop yourself from believing in it,” Sooyoung muses.

It’s a dreamy suggestion, but pragmatically, it’d also help their whole relationship seem that much more believable if Jiwoo just lets go of whatever reservations she has.  

Jiwoo seems to have run out of things to say as she switches from stepping on floor tiles to walking on the lines between them like she’s on a precarious but steady tight rope. In a way, it encapsulates the mood of their conversation: uncertain, delicate, and an unexpected sort of serenity. 

“So,” Sooyoung says, watching as Jiwoo holds her arms out to balance herself, “what was that about me being your type…?”

She asks it lightheartedly, hoping that whatever airy feeling settling around them sticks around for a while. Sooyoung’s never felt this content around another person before. 

Jiwoo loses her balance as she slightly jolts forward, halting her steps as if a gust of a wind had passed through. Sooyoung’s still peering at her from behind, but Jiwoo hasn't turned around.

“N-nothing, Hyejoo just likes to tease me…” Jiwoo murmurs.

“Come on, it’s fine to admit you like someone thoughtful, charming, beautiful, and so good at acting like a fake girlfriend.”

“Hey!" Jiwoo huffs cutely, “don’t start teasing me too!”

She spins around this time with knitted eyebrows and Sooyoung hardly misses the glowing flush of her cheeks. Has she been blushing this entire time? The thought of it pulls a chuckle out of Sooyoung.

“You’re just so easy to tease, Jiwoo.”

Ha Sooyoung, you’re on a roll! Don’t mess it up now!

She takes a step closer, lips pressed tightly together in a trying attempt to curb her amused grin. Sooyoung credits Jiwoo for maintaining eye contact even if her cheeks look like they're on fire.

The distance between them is a safe one and Sooyoung only leans in slightly as her eyes flitter around Jiwoo’s face, from her rosy cheeks, to her curious eyes, down to her parted lips.

Jiwoo doesn’t take a step back, nor look away. She watches Sooyoung just as carefully. “What are you doing?” she murmurs quietly.   

For once, Sooyoung holds back from doing something impulsive and instead, says it in words:

“I wish Jungeun was here so I could have a reason to kiss you right now.”