Chapter 14 Lucky

Questions. Chanwoo’s mind was plague with questions the moment he opened his eyes the morning after he made the monumental realization that he had feelings for his hyung. It was a strange turn of events. One moment he was elated by happiness and drowned by the fluttering of his heart the night before, from when the sky was dimming and dropped the snow like a confetti until he laid to his bed and fell asleep with a stupid grin playing on his lips, but as he woke up, it all felt like a dream and now he needed to face reality. Maybe this is how it really goes, Chanwoo thought. Realization does not end confusion, it just gives birth to more questions and the first glaring question that he asked himself, as he blankly stare at the ceiling of his room, was – ‘Now what?’ and it’s just the top of his head.

What is he suppose to do now? What is he suppose to do with this feelings? Should Chanwoo tell Yunhyeong? He should, right? Maybe not now but if he wanted something to happen, he should confess. Does he want something to happen? How would he confess? Chanwoo is yet to admit his feelings to anyone but himself. Not that he never had a girlfriend, he had once but it never felt like a real relationship. It was more of they just both wanted to experience to be in one since most of their peers started dating. It does not apply to Yunhyeong. Chanwoo have genuine feelings to his hyung and more importantly Yunhyeong is not a girl. Does that bother him? He mulled over the thought of him liking a guy, repeatedly asking himself if he was fine with it. He was expecting that there should be at least some form of shock or denial on his part but he felt nothing like it was normal thing. Perhaps he did not know what to feel exactly about it or possibly because it was not just any other guy, it was Yunhyeong and to Chanwoo, he was special.

What about Yunhyeong? Is Chanwoo special to him? What does he feel about him? If ever Chanwoo found the courage to tell him about how he feel, would he accept it?

But Yunhyeong already loves someone else…

The thought of Hanbin was like a slap to Chanwoo’s face and he couldn’t help but frown. How could he forget about him? To Chanwoo, Hanbin’s name made him feel a lot of things like fear, intimidation and respect but it never crossed his mind that bitterness would come along with it too. Hanbin seemed to be a huge impenetrable wall between Chanwoo and all the possibilities he could think about Yunhyeong. His heart ached at the thought.

But then, Yunhyeong is moving on…

Will he ever moved on though? Chanwoo was there and he knew how much Hanbin, despite being oblivious to it, can make Yunhyeong feel, right from the moment he met his hyung for the first time at that grocery store to the time he saw Yunhyeong broke down on their basketball game. He witnessed it all, the wishful look, shifting eyes, the sunny smiles, the fake ones, the laughter, the pretensions, the breakdown, the yearning gaze and all the tears streaming down Yunhyeong’s face. How could Chanwoo compete to that? And if ever Yunhyeong finally managed to move on, will Chanwoo have a chance?

Is this how Yunhyeong felt after he realized his feelings to Hanbin?

Is this what yearning is?

He knew he was overthinking things but he never predicted that his relationship with Yunhyeong will be much more complicated than a simple friendship. Chanwoo sighed heavily as he get up from his bed and asked himself again.

What to do now?

***

Three days.

It has been three days since Chanwoo started to avoid Yunhyeong. He did not know how he come up with the idea but it somehow turned out like that. Although, avoiding was not accurately the right word, it’s better to say that Chanwoo was discreetly distancing himself to Yunhyeong. He think it would clear some of his thoughts and see things differently at length when there was some little space between them. So far, it was not as conducive as he wanted it to be, because he felt bad doing that to his hyung and that, he misses Yunhyeong’s company terribly.

“Ya! Jung Chanwoo!”

Chanwoo stop dead on his tracks and slowly wheeled around. He was greeted by Yunhyeong’s scowling face. He raised his hand send him an awkward wave. “Hi hyung,” he said with a sheepish smile.

“You said you have a late lecture at Science Hall.” Yunhyeong pointed out and crossed his arms, ignoring the pleasantries. “As far as I know, Science hall is at the opposite end of the campus.”

“W-well, it got cancelled?”

“Really?” Yunhyeong gave him a dry look. Chanwoo heard him release a long string of air when he avoided his gaze. “Are you avoiding me, Chanwoo-ya?”

“Me? Why would I do that?” Chanwoo replied still shying away from his senior’s accusatory stare. In his defense, it is true that the lecture got cancelled earlier. He just left that fact unsaid when his hyung asked.

“You tell me.”

Chanwoo remained tight-lipped, fidgeting stiffly but rooted on his spot as it was the question he had been carefully dodging for the past few days. Heavy tension loomed over them like dark clouds and Chanwoo blamed himself that it ended up like this but all those question continuously muddling his thinking, confusing him and backing him up to some dark corner of his mind.