Chapter 19 Say it

Yunhyeong was laughing. It has always been a music on Hanbin’s ears to hear the laughter of his hyung ever since they were just shabby kids with dirty cheeks and their world would revolve around the four corners of sandbox in the playground. But even though their world now was bigger than just a mere box of sand, Hanbin could still hear it all the same, the same lightness, the same child-like innocence, the crescent of his eyes and the curve of his lips. Hanbin could feel a rush of reprieve washed over him that it was one thing that never changed despite the thousands of things that happened and the never-ending little changes that they were going through. He could hold on to that. Hanbin would hold on to that especially today and for the days to come.

Hanbin closed his eyes as he breathed in the spring-scented breeze and the distinct smell of Han river where the two of them were strolling aimlessly in steady pace and sudden burst conversation. They ended up there after spending most of the day together, doing thing they usually and not usually do, drifting along the sidewalks and parks, talking about nothing and everything in particular. It had been a good day after all the bad days the came before it even though that this was the day, the day when they would pick up all the messed up, crumpled and scattered paper pieces lying on the ground beneath their feet.

Hanbin breathed out and opened his eyes. He stopped on his tracks and turned around to face Yunhyeong, who was a step short behind him, with soft smile. He knew it was time.

With stray beams of pastel sunset light burning on his eyes, Hanbin said, “Hyung, can you hear me out this time?”

***

It was strange, Yunhyeong thought, how fast time flew by or how much everything has changed. A week ago, Yunhyeong still made Hanbin his favorite breakfast and the two of them went to school together. A week ago, they still sat beside each other during lunch with Hanbin nitpicking on whatever Yunhyeong was saying or doing. A week ago, Hanbin was still here with them, with him. But now, Yunhyeong would not have to go into his room to wake him up. Now, he would only set two plates on the table instead of three. Now, there would be nothing but empty space beside him when he walked to school every morning. Because it has been a week since Hanbin had boarded the plane that took him a thousand miles away from home, away from him.

“Yunhyeong-ie?”

The said boy snapped from his thought and was greeted by the curious eyes of Jinhwan, who was now a couple of steps ahead of him. He was so lost on his thoughts that he didn’t know he had stopped on walking.

“What’s wrong?”

Yunhyeong shook his head. He briefly smiled at his hyung as his eyes flickered to the sky. “Nothing. It’s just that… the weather is nice.”

“I know but it’s not enough reason for us to be late, eh?” Jinhwan smirked at him. He wheeled on his heels as he cocked his head towards the school’s direction. “C’mon,” he said.

Yunhyeong quickly jolted to his feet and jogged back towards the older guy who shoots him a weighted stare all throughout that short ordeal.

“What?” Yunhyeong asked, referring to the pointed gaze of the older guy.

Jinhwan sighed. “Don’t worry about him. It hasn’t been a week yet. He’ll call us soon.”

The last thing they both heard from Hanbin since he left for Japan was short message that he arrived safely to the place he would be staying for his entire trip. It was not that Yunhyeong was very worried. Knowing that Hanbin arrived safe and sound was enough for Yunhyeong. He knew that he had nothing to be concerned about because Hanbin was old enough and strong enough to take care of himself.

It was just…

“I know.”

“You better,” Jinhwan nudged him playfully, “Cause I won’t be the on the other end of the line once he starts his calling spree just to whine about everything he experienced there.” He turned to him with mock seriousness on his face. “I’ll definitely block his number just so you know.”

Yunhyeong couldn’t help but laugh at the Jinhwan’s ridiculous thinking. He gave the older guy a grateful smile for taking away whatever little doubt he may have as they pick up their pace again.

…It was just he wondered if the weather was nice there too.

***

Hanbin took Yunhyeong’s waiting silence as form of acquiescence. So, he took a deep breath as he poured all the things he couldn’t say before. “I deserve all the things that you said to me, hyung. I deserve your rejection and anger,” he smiled sadly as the memory of their previous confrontation hit him with familiar blunt sharpness again. “You were right. I’m guilty. I’m guilty for being stupid, for hurting you, for taking advantage of you for all these years, for being selfish. To that… I’m sorry, hyung. But… even though I know that you would still not believe it… I want you to know that what I feel for you is real.”

Yunhyeong stared at Hanbin, stone hard. “It doesn’t matter,” he said in low steady voice. “Hanbin-a, I told you I already –”

“– Moved on. I know,” Hanbin finished for his hyung. He knew what was coming for him. He knew Yunhyeong would hold his ground. He knew that this would never be easy. However, Hanbin also knew what he wanted, what he was feeling. Eyes never faltering with Yunhyeong’s cold gaze, he said, “But still… my decision is to not let you go, hyung.”

Yunhyeong frowned and gave him an almost pleading look. “But you should. Please, Hanbin… don’t be like this. Just forget about it and move on.”

“Just like what you did?” Hanbin countered. “When you said that you’ll take care of your feelings, I let you. That’s your decision and I respected that. This time, I want you to respect mine.” A smile. “These are my feelings, I’ll take care of it.” It was the same words that Yunhyeong said that day when all the dried leaves were dancing with the autumn winds around them and his eyes b with broken tears. The words his hyung said before he severed the strings of the kite he had been holding for a long time and let it go. But this time, it was Hanbin who needed to choose and his decision was not to let go. He decided to hold on.

“I’ll wait for you.”

“You’ll be waiting for nothing then.”

Hanbin smiled, eyes full of determination. “Are you sure about that?”

“This is serious, Hanbin.” Yunyheong’s eyes flashed angrily at him. “I’m serious.”

“So am I.”

***

Yunhyeong was quietly sitting on a bench by the field one Friday afternoon, waiting for Chanwoo. They agreed to meet after their classes to play some games. He still had some time to spare since his last professor ended his lecture short due to some meeting. He was a little lost on his own thoughts watching the students in the field that he failed to notice someone had approached him.

“Hi Yunhyeong sunbae! Are you here alone?”

Yunhyeong blinked out of his bubble just to see Dahyun smiling brightly at him.

“Oh, yeah. Uh, I’m waiting for Chanwoo,” he replied a little panicky being overwhelmed with her sudden presence.

Dahyun looked at him like she just found some gold. “I’m waiting for someone too!” She tilted her head adorably and asked, “Mind if I sit here with you, sunbae?”

“Not at all,” Yunhyeong answered with a smile after recovering from the short surprise. He scooted a little at his side of the bench to make space for Dahyun.

Dahyun bowed at him gratefully as she settled at free space at the opposite side of the bench. “So… is Hanbin-sunbae doing good?” She asked after a brief pause.

Yunhyeong glanced at her in mild surprise before grinning at her amusedly. “He’s doing fine. I guess?”

“You guess?”

Yunhyeong shook his head with a light chuckle. “Yeah. Well, he called yesterday freaking out that he locked his bathroom out when he saw some bug lurking there. As if I could help him from here, right? And no, even if I was with him, I can’t get rid of it for him. Bugs are where our friendship ends.”

“You too, sunbae?” Dahyun giggled cutely and Yunhyeong almost wanted to squish her cheeks. “You two are such kids. They’re just bugs you know.”

“You’re not afraid of them?”

“They’re harmless. There’s nothing to fear.”

Yunhyeong glanced at her in awe and admiration. Bowing politely, he said, “Teach me your ways seonsaeng-nim.”

“Don’t be silly, sunbae.”

They both laughed and felt at ease after that with Yunhyeong started on spouting all the hilarious and non-sensical reasons that Hanbin had called him for. He told her how Hanbin forgot to separate the whites form the colored clothes and now he had some of his shirt faded. How he messed up cooking some instant ramen. He told her how Hanbin almost combust when he ate some Japanese food and unaware it was very spicy. They both laughed when Yunhyeong told her how Jinhwan was right on blocking Hanbin’s number and how he should have done the same. It has only been two months since he came there and Yunhyeong had a foreboding feeling that it would only get worse for the remaining months of his stay.

“Then he said—” Yunhyeong suddenly stopped midway his anecdote of Hanbin almost getting lost in the campus when he noticed the big grin on Dahyun’s face. “Sorry for taking over our conversation,” he looked at her apologetically, scratching the back of his neck.

“No, it’s fine sunbae. I actually enjoy hearing all of it. You two are really close.” Dahyun stared at Yunhyeong and then giggled. “Even the look you two have when you’re telling stories is so strikingly identical.”

“Huh?”

The freshman looked at Yunhyeong with amusement dancing on her eyes seeing his confusion. She averted her gaze ahead as she told him things that left his mouth hanging. She started on describing the way their eyes would become distant, like they were peering back in time and that exact memory was replaying before them. The way how their face would glow with fondness. The way their voice would become soft and light when they speak of their names. The way they would be so lost in nostalgia that they become unaware how big their smiles were.

Yunhyeong could only gaped at Dahyun when she finished her spiel. He never expected everything that had been said. How could anyone notice all of those little things in so much detail let alone Dahyun of all people.

“I was with Hanbin sunbae during the first snow last year. He told me about how you’ve always been together on every first snow in the same and exact way on how you told me everything just now,” she explained, answering the unvoiced question that was painfully obvious on Yunhyeong’s face.

So, that’s how…

“And you know what I told Hanbin sunbae that time? I told him to be where he’s supposed to be.” Tilting her head, Dahyun glanced at him with playful and curious eyes. “I’m really hoping that he did.”

Yunhyeong was hit by sudden deluge of warmth and rustling of layers of winter clothing, the smell of winter breeze and puff of the chilly breath, the silver moonlight and amber streetlight. He remembered the face buried on his neck and the stubborn arms encaging him tightly.

“Well… I guess he did.”

***

Yunhyeong shook his head as he raked a frustrated hand into his hair. “You already know what I feel. Why are you being like this? Why are making this hard for the both of us?”